Well it's been awhile. Where have I been? LOL I'm not even sure.
Well needless to say, this past year was the worst and best year of my life. After losing Max and then having Evan enter our lives - well was overwhelmingly sad, wonderful and ... well a lot. I thought I was handling life well. I got a new job in November but not without some health scares in August and September. What I thought were heart attacks and trips to the ER...was actually grief that I hadn't processed yet. They were panic attacks which I never experienced before and from August to December I was dealing with fear and anxiety but feeling happy. So my brain was really giving itself mixed messages. I was ultimately diagnosed with PTSD.
So in an effort to rule out heart attacks and death
- I started doing Yoga 5 days a week, therapy twice a week, medicine, meditation, iron, potassium...everything you could think of and well...my heart attacks started going away around early January. Who knew!
So right now all my doctors are trying to get me through April 14, Max's one year anniversary. The last two months I feel incredibly strong and healthy. I still cry. I still think of him. But I do feel incredibly whole with what I have. My husband put an angel baby statue under a tree in our backyard that is illuminated by lights at night. It oddly helped. I think my biggest fear is that Max would be forgotten. I know now that he won't.
Sooooooo how is everyone else? DH is amazing and really has been a great support - a lot through his humor, which well, we all need. And I love him for it.
S turned 17!
Where has the time gone? She goes to prom next month and is looking at colleges. She really wants to be a hairdresser. But we just want her to go to a 4 year college first. She's completely on board and I'm really proud of her. She's doing really well...And is so good to me.
L is turning 4 in June! And she is my little sassy pants. She cracks me up and has a huge personality. She LOVES her brother, I found her in his crib this morning playing with him. She will definitely keep us on our toes.
E, well E, is the healing force in my life. He is the most amazing human being in this world. A lot of my guilt comes from loving him as much as I do but I realize my heart has love for all my children, including Max. I can't explain it but I feel like he was made for our family. There is this energy around him that defies what you might think of adoption. He is ours but delivered differently to us than the girls. I am whole heartedly head over heels for this little boy as he is for me. His first words were mom, he smiles every time I walk in the room and crawls to me when he first sees me. He slobbers me with kisses and it amazes me how quickly we both bonded with each other. I wondered if babies know we aren't biologically each others...but there is no doubt it doesn't matter. I am his and he is mine. He has completed our world.
The adoption. It's not final yet.
It's been 9 months and I don't think everything will be final for a couple more months. In all honesty, our attorney kind of dropped the ball but we are back on track. I'll keep you all updated. I think a lot of my anxiety will subside when we walk out of court with his final birth certificate in hand.
I also want you to know...I have thought of all of you through this. Knowing when I returned, there would be wonderful updates to catch up on...and I appreciate all your unconditional love. xoxo