NEED ADVICE!!! about OH mother

[lissagayle]

I hope those of you that read this dont judge me.

So my OH mom is mentally challenged and also married a man that is challenged as well. They are so excited about the baby coming. I am so excited for them as well being that this will be their first grandchild. Both of the soon to be grandparents work and are able to drive. My OH actually lived with his mother and grandparents, in his younger years his grandmother actually took care of him.

Now that I am futher along with the pregnancy I am becoming more concerned and nervous about the situation with his mother and step father. Both them and OH have mentioned when the baby goes over there and they babysit. I really dont know if they will be able to handle a baby and i dont feel comfortable leaving her with them alone.

His mother was actually talking to me about breastfeeding and didnt understand the concept that I would be able to store milk and use a bottle if needed. She was so concerned saying that she was just going to get formula to use at her house so I wouldnt have to be there to feed (I dont want my baby to fed formula). Also she wants to purchase newborn diapers. The way that she was talking surprised me it was almost like they expected the baby to be at her home for the first few months of her life. I told OH about what she said about breastfeeding and she was just going to feed formula and he said well I will talk to her about it.

This being my first child I doubt that I will want to leave my child alone with anyone for a long period of time when she is a newborn. I dont know how to approach the situation to my OH or with his mother. I dont want to hurt anyones feelings or make them feel like I look down on them, because I dont, I just want my baby to be safe. And I want that peace of mind when I leave her somewhere for a lil while that she will be okay and happy.

Another thing that bothers me is that they have a cat. I love all animals. Just with them they rarely clean the litter box, the smell is almost unbearable sometimes. Plus I dont want the cat getting to close to my newborn, and scratch her.

I dont know how I should be feeling about this if I should say anything or not. Really concerned and dont know what to do. I have been worrying over this for the past few weeks in my head and I just want my mind to be at ease and everyone know what to expect after she is born so there wont be any hurt feelings. Or should I just not say anything and keep the baby from staying over there???

 

[booflebump]

Its a difficult one. Its obvious they are excited and want to be part of their grandchilds life - but I think you need to be firm and set boundaries now, before bubba comes and everything happens too fast. While you are breastfeeding, it is quite acceptable to say that baby has to be with you at all times as she needs to be fed and cannot be given a bottle. This will at least give you some leeway without having to bring up the other issues? xxx

 

[nattshants]

I'd be the same as you sweetie. Set the rules now and maybe say 'I think I'll want to be with the baby and we'll decide if and when we let people babysit' Like me you're be a new Mummy, and are protective. We're all learning and it's a difficult situation for you...xxx

 

[jojo2605]

I agree, this is a difficult situation. But I do think you would be fair in saying to your OH that you wouldn't want to leave little one with anyone for a long while due to breastfeeding and just generally wanting to take the full responsibility of your child at least for the first few months. You don't necessarily have to say that it applies only to his parents, just that it applies to anyone really! You could just explain to OH's mom if she asks that little one is your little bundle of joy and you want him/her with mommy and daddy at all times until you feel ready to be apart. I really hope you manage to sort it out, and before baby is born so that you aren't dealing with the stress on top of the big responsibility of a new baby! x x x x

 

[Cazza89]

My oh's dad has offered to babysit. I've said no. I feel so protective already. I wont be breastfeeding so can't use that as an excuse but have made it extremely clear i want to be the one taking care of our baby. I know i'm not going to want to leave the little on with anyone at all?

 

[NuttyJester]

Both our families seem to think the baby's out on loan daily for the first year or two! I'm afraid I'm not very tactful though, and already it's starting to get me a little stressed/annoyed. E.g. Someone has given my mum a bath to give to us (a few hundred miles away) and she's decided it might as well stay at her house for when the baby's there - yes, a few hundred miles away!!!

I feel for you... unfortunately it just winds me up and I can't offer any nice advice/ideas!! x

 

[Pippin]

I actually totally agree with your concerns and I too have the same concerns based on your information here. I think it'll be easier than you think, you can always be firm at the time ad make excuses. They can see the baby with you maybe even quite often but when you plan to go out, which really won't be anytime soon after it's born lets face it, you can conveniently get an offer from a friend or other family member that could come to your house so lo doesn't have to go anywhere because you 'don't want her worried being in a new environment just yet' . It's your baby hon and I'm sure your OH will understand if you explain. As for the cats be firm, say your not happy about them being in the same place, I'm going to say that about my cousins dog! As for the nappies, let her stock pile some you can just use them when you go round. Sod the milk it can go off!!!! You'll work it out hon, that mothers instinct will kick in

 

[moomin_troll]

My brother has special needs and i wouldnt trust him to look after zane at all so i no how u r feeling. i dont have any advice for u but this is ur baby and u want it to be safe so if u dont trust them then put ur foot down.

 

[lissagayle]

Thanks to those who have responded so far. I'm glad that some of you have the same concerns, not really the same situation that I am in, but with just leaving your baby with someone else. I guess its just a mom thing.

 

[lisalove]

This lo will be my 3rd, and I will not be leaving them with anyone! I normally smile when my friends offer to babysit, and say 'we'll see' (you will use this term more and more as your lo grows up too..lol). It seems to let them know, I am not saying an outright NO, but I have reservations.

As for parents having supplies at their own houses... it works really well for us. We live in a different country so when we visit we cant take everything with us. Its handy to have stuff there ready and waiting... besides, we dont leave the lo's overnight, we just stay at their house.

Besides, getting out for an hour is a big difference to leaving them overnight. I do appreciate the offers of watching them while I take a bath etc... cos it does get hard and you do need the 20mins to yourself - to remember your still you!
:

 

[Laura H]

Hi lissagayle...I already have a little boy and another on the way. At the time of my sons birth I had a mother & father in law. He sadly passed away a year later. Anyway, they were both completely deaf and FIL was partially disabled, MIL has ill health which is sometimes real and sometimes made up (if u get me) MIL's mental health has gotten worse over the years. I have been subjected to many years of comments such as 'I wish I could look after Josh...I wish I could do all the things that your mum does with him' etc etc! But you have to be firm hunny. I have never said to her 'no, you cannot look after my son'. I have just never given her the option/opportunity to do so and I think she has just learnt to understand that there is a reason for this! Just be tactful but firm and try not to worry xxx

 

[h702]

i dont really want my mil to look after ours(will be our 1st), and she doesnt have mental health issues!! well, we caught her feeding our neice out of a old pet hamsters food bowl.

so can totally understand where your coming from. i guess once baby is here you will be able to stand up to them more as you have baby to think about. im going to be tough, if im not happy with something i WILL say!! ..... i hope!

good luck! x

 

[Sarah88]

Before Savannah was born I had my MIL buy her own bottles and stroller to 'take bubbles for walks'. I've never told her no but i've never given her an opportunity to watch Savannah. I don't particularly trust her to watch her and also my FIL is an awful awful man and I don't want him near bub.

 

[MishC]

I can't really give you anymore advice it looks like it's all been covered. I would be exactly the same as you i wouldn't leave my daughter with them either but to be honest i probably won't leave mine with anyone for some time.

 

[spidey]

I'm having the same sort of issue with my MIL. She is a very nice lady but she does not clean her house so I really couldn't trust bubs to be inside her house without me holding him/her. Also, she has some mental health issues and I just don't trust her. She's not speaking to us now because she asked who would watch the baby when I go back to work (I get 3 months maternity leave) and when she found out it was my mom, she went on a tirade. But oh well, you need to do what's best for your family (you, DH, and bubs) and cannot worry if you hurt other people's feelings. I plan to do supervised activities with my MIL, like go on walks with bubs, or go to the mall. I hope that makes her happy, and if not, it's her loss.

 

[Seraphim]

Lisa, I'm sure you'll find your groove once bubs is here.
Until then, try not to stress yourself.

If MIL jumps the gun and wastes her time and money... then it's her look out. You've got more important things to worry about.
Your concerns sound normal and founded, mental issues or not.

Hubby might feel more comfortable if its put less as in relation to her problems, and more about your wishes as a new mum... but I'm sure you'll have a good sense of that.

I always fret ahead of time, but its wasted energy