Painful situation: SIL has my Christmas due date. Please help.

[bostonblonde]

My sister-in-law got pregnant exactly the same time I did, so she is having her baby in December, around Christmas. I was really happy we were both going to have Christmas babies together... then I lost mine at 9 weeks. Hers is still going strong. I don't even want to think about how many weeks she is now, because i should have been that many weeks.

Here's the kicker: We are going to be with DH's family for a week or so this Christmas. I know for a fact that SIL is going to have her baby while we're over. I just know it. I know the whole visit will be completely focused on her having her baby, or if she's already had it, it will be all about the newborn. Our visit will probably be on the back burner even. It will probably even overshadow Christmas itself.

It's a nightmarish situation for me, because my DH hardly sees his family and it would be unfair to not allow him to see them at Christmas. It almost makes me cry to think how painful it will be to be around when she is having her baby, when I should have been having mine!

I am a combination of jealous, angry, frustrated and sad. How do I cope with such a painful situation this Christmas?

 

[kelster823]

WOW- I was in the exact same situtation as you

me and my bother's wife got preggos the same time.. my due was Dec 8th and her's was Xmas day..

I loss mine early and unfortunately she did too, a week and a half after me

I know it will be hard BUT I AM HOPEFUL you will be pregnant again by that time and it will make it a tad easier for you

only thoughts for you........as I know Dec will be a hard month for me as well

HUGE HUGS

 

[LucyJ]

I know exactly how you are feeling my SIL is pregnant with her second baby and is due three days after what would of been my due date. We found out at our 12 week scan that our little one had died at 10 weeks my SIL pregnancy is going fine all though she had an inital scare. I'm finding the whole situation really hard my brother keeps on asking me when I'm going to go down and see them but I can't bring myself to I'd love to see my nephew but the thought of being around my SIL is just to much as I should be heavily pregnant just like she is. I know I'm going to have to deal with the situation eventually especially as by Oct I will be auntie again which will be lovely but I should be getting ready to be mum.

I dont think my brother understands how difficult the situation is for me and I dont really know how to explain it to him. What I want to say is I'd love to see him and my nephew but I cant be around his wife at the moment then I feel so guilty.

I can't offer much advice but to say that I understand. All I would say is take it one step at a time and if you really cant cope with it then to talk to your OH and explain how you feel or make sure there is a lot of other people around you. I know when i do see my SIL and brother whether its now or after baby is born I won't be on my own will have hubby with me and others possibly my Mum someone who understands how I feel and can provide support for me as well as them, if that makes sense.

You can PM me if you want to talk further.

 

[Starry Night]

So sorry you have to go through this.

I was expecting a Christmas baby too and I know at least 5 or 6 other couples who are expecting babies around then. We used to all make jokes like, "what's in the water" or "what was going on" around our conception dates. Now Dh & I are no longer a part of that joke. Also, there are three girls (including me) at our church who have the same first name and all three of us were pregnant. Now I'm not. And one of the other girls is due when I would have been. It's soooo hard. I can't even look my pregnant friend in the eye.

Sorry that I don't have any real advice. I don't see how you can get out of the reunion but just make sure you have "escapes" if it ever gets too much for you...like a reason to get out of the room or take some time for just you and hubby.

 

[dan-o]

Same thing also happened to me, we were due the same week in September 2009.

My SIL's little girl turns 1 at the beginning of October. I've seen her once, and that was not by choice.

I'm still TTC & I feel it's like a constant reminder, fate can be so cruel sometimes.

 

[ljo1984]

i have been in this situation, my SIL was due the week before i was in my 1st pregnancy. i had a MMC at my dating scan and my world fell apart. we had booked a holiday for when we were 26 and 27 weeks, and obviosly as we had already paid it seemed a shame to cancel it!! it was the week from hell, ive sort of erased it from my memory lol. i spent the week watching someone holding and rubbing a bump what i should of had, crying behind my big sun glasses several times a day, and crying myself to sleep at night! i hated every second (making it even worse she would drink in front of me, while i wouldnt dare touch a drop thinking it might stop me falling on that month!!) and i kept telling OH i wanted to spend some time just us two but it never happened, he just goes with wnat everyone else wants to do. i had the same feelings you have, jealousy, anger and frustration. i was very bitter towards her, i didnt want to know or talk about her baby, not when i didnt have mine, and it didnt help that i couldnt talk to her about my feelings! she kept saying stupid things like at least you can have cocktails on holiday or even worse, at least you'll look good in a bikini (WTF, that was what i was looking forward to showing my bump off!!).i got my BFP a week after we came back but i still didnt see or talk to her much until just before her LO was born, even then been 4 month pregnant myself i felt my brain go into over drive seeing her bump. i was suprisingly ok going to see her baby for the first time but i do find it sad to say i havnt really bonded with her like i did with her elder child or my friends babies, but thats just me and how ive reacted to it all. sorry for the essay but i found the situation horrible so if anyone is in the same boat i like them to know there feelings are totally normal. thinking of you during this time, im sure you will be pregnant again by time xmas comes round, it does make things soooo much more easier. xxxxx

 

[BlueBoo]

It is so reassuring to know that other people feel the same way - I have been made to feel like some kind of monster because I can't cope with family pregnancies. Both my own sister and OH's sister in law are due to have their babies within the next few weeks. I found out about both their pregnancies over Christmas last year, when I had been TTC for a year and a half and was getting ready for the IVF journey. I was meant to go to OH's family for Christmas but just couldn't face it, OH didn't understand, we had a huge row and spent Christmas apart. It was bad enough then, when I was trying to cope with all the infertility stuff, now though I have had a mmc in June (managed to conceive naturally before IVF) which makes me feel even worse about seeing them when the babies are born. I just know that they're going to arrive in the same week and it will be nothing but babies on both sides of the family. I had been so relieved when I was pregnant myself because I thought, thank goodness I will be able to share in their joy without feeling any pain or sadness, but now I am absolutely dreading it. I don't think I will be able to hold a newborn baby so soon after losing my own. I have actually fallen out with my own sister over it now, as she couldn't manage to show any empathy with my situation and was p'd off with me for not showing enough interest during her pregnancy. People seem to think that just because you find it difficult to handle, you aren't happy for them.

 

[mlyn26]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I personally wouldn't be able to cope with that and would actually tell DH to go to his family and i'd stay with mine. I wish u luck with whatever happens. Xxx

 

[svetayasofiya]

I can understand much of what you are going through. I found out 5 days after my MC that my friend was 5 weeks pregnant. Albeit she's not family, but they live down the street and we used to see each other 3-4x a week. I had a massive melt down when I found out of her pregnancy , and everytime I think I am getting better I can't help think of her and her fiancee all happy and swooning over her pregnancy like my husband and I should be doing. Her due date is a month after mine would have been. I am having a particularly hard time right now, as she is like a day or two passed where I was when I had my mc. I just can't deal with it at all actually, so my solution is not see them. I feel bad, because her fiancee is my husband's best friend. He was best man at our wedding 5 months ago. At this point I could really care less if I ever saw them again. I hate being like this and feeling like this. I wish I were a better person and could be happy for them. It's not like I am not happy for them, I just don't want to celebrate with them. To make matters worse, another friend of ours who she is particularly close with has the same due date as her. It pains me to think of them hanging out together and being all pregnant.

I am actually on a break right now from TTC because I just can't handle being in their shadow.

 

[maaybe2010]

Oh hun

I'm going to be honest. . . .
If I was in your situation I wouldn't go.
I couldn't put myself through it

 

[wannabe mam]

I am in the same situation my bwst friend at work got pregnant exactly same time as me and our babys were due around the same day early October but I lost mine at 11 weeks. Its been hard seeing her grow every single day at work. I am totally jealous sad and frustrated as you are. My neice was born few days ago and I am bracing myself for seeing her this weekend I know I love her already I am just so jealous of my brother and SIL, especially as I was due in 8 weeks.
Your situation at Christmas is difficult. Try not to worry to much now or you will build it up to be worse than it is. You will probably have to go and see his family but I would see how you feel about being around the baby. I am dreading seeing my neice but at the same time I am hoping it will be quite soothing when I have her in my arms. It is so unfair for us coping with losses as it seems everyone around you is suddenly pregnant. I am dreading my original due date so know exactly how you feel about that as I seem to put myself under pressure to get pregnant again before then so I can handle it better. At the end of the day this date is going to come and we need to be strong but we are entitled to mourn over our lost angels.
I think you should go but see how you feel about visiting the baby, by then you may realy want to see the baby even though it will be hard. Please dont stress over it and see how you are feeling nearer.
Good luck xxx