PAL after Recurrent Losses - come join us!

[loeylo]

Got everything crossed for you. I totally get the fear - I'm still terrified, even though my scan was only 4 hours ago!

Has anyone taken cyclizine hydrochloride for sickness before? I'm on 50mg three times a day.

 

[SweetV]

loeylo - that's awesome! congrats on the great scan. It's amazing how quickly they look like little humans.

Florida - there are no words. I'm so so sorry

Dairy - I hope your feelings are just the PAL anxiety and your scan shows a brilliant heartbeat. That's why I love seeing my doctor after. All I need to hear are those words. I've known since 12dpo and it feels like an eternity for me as well.

 

[dairymomma]

Thanks ladies but I'm heading further and further into limbo. Discharge stopped briefly but it's back and it's pink cm with red streaks now. Back aches too but I'm feeling sick for the first time in 3 days. I've also been up more this afternoon and busy painting bedrooms when the pink/red stuff started so there's part of me wondering if it's activity that's causing this but I'm not doing anything more or less than what I was doing before either. So nothing to scream 100% miscarriage but nothing that says it's not... The joys of PARL. Didn't call the dr today because everything stopped earlier but I'm calling tomorrow. Part of me wants a scan but at 6+1, I know it's unlikely they'd see much of anything so I would be okay with a blood test too. I just hate this not knowing.

But I've decided that I'm not going to sit here wallowing in my fears. Those rooms need painting, I am going a wee bit insane worrying, and I might as well do something productive to (try to) keep my mind off of this. So back to painting I go and hopefully tomorrow I'll have some answers.

 

[wookie130]

Dairy...take it easy painting. Go slowly, and just be careful and sensible about it. I hope the discharge and light streaking is just a fluke. You do have a great attitude about it...if you wait a bit longer, the ultrasound will be far more telling. But, I would try to push for another hcg blood draw. That right there can tell you quite a bit in the meantime.

 

[DSemcho]

So talking about realationships. I can't remember if I told you already but last September DH admitted cheating on me...with guys, and then proceeded to tell me that he was gay...should have seen that one coming since our sex life was pretty much inexistent, like we DTD to have kids and that was it. it took everything to get him to ''perform'' and was never fun...

He made a public announcement about his homosexuality (we both agreed to it). We decided to get a divorce, because I just don't see myself spending the rest of my life with a room mate, because I am disgusted that I waited all these years, thinking that I had done something wrong, only to find out that he had 2 affairs with guys!! We are still friends, but there is no way I could ever touch him again, let alone have kids with him. And pretty sure he wanted us to separate; he actually told me that he was maybe considering a same sex relationship at some point. We are both Christian, so are his parents, and they are devastated. They think we didn't try hard enough to save our marriage, didn't go to councelling long enough (well at 160$ a session why didn't you pay for it) They are using the girls as an excuse to prove us we are making the wrong decision, because they're worried they won't see them anymore. I think that children from divorced parents can do just fine if there is a good communication between the parents, and we don't want to raise the girls in a lie. And they're not stupid, they would know something is off, like ''why is daddy staying with mommy if daddy likes men and not women?'' What the heck are you supposed to answer to that? ''Because they got married and that's that.''?!

Anyway sorry for the rant Now I just hope that I will find a heterosexual man who will love the kids and want more...

This... This right here... Wow... MINDBLOWN! Was not expecting this today... I'm sorry you're dealing with it. What were the first signs?? I'm sorry to ask, but I've been convinced my whole marriage that my husband may actually be gay.. We only have sex once a week sometimes once every 2 - 3 weeks - but he watches porn frequently and whacks it.. And on top of that, I found out last May that (EXTREME TMI bit)

Spoiler

he had been using my anal plugs without telling me.. so.. we've experimented a bit with that and I've rather enjoyed it; even got a strap on and we've used it a couple of times - however he's told me he'd be interested in having sex with a guy and giving a guy a blowjob... and I don't know how I feel about that bit.. so.. It makes me nervous...

btw.. this is the ONLY time I've told ANYONE about this....

Thank you everyone for being so supportive. Unfortunately it was another traumatic terrible experience. We went in to have the scan and my bladder was full they said they found a hb only 103 baby measuring small. Of course dh got excited because he doesn't get it but I emptied my bladder and had another scan. It showed my uterus with a huge hematoma almost on top the baby. Baby passed away at 7+1 a possible polyp and who knows what else. Life is cruel.

Florida I'm so sorry hun. I know there is nothing I can say to help with what you're going through but know we are here to support you.

Thanks ladies but I'm heading further and further into limbo. Discharge stopped briefly but it's back and it's pink cm with red streaks now. Back aches too but I'm feeling sick for the first time in 3 days. I've also been up more this afternoon and busy painting bedrooms when the pink/red stuff started so there's part of me wondering if it's activity that's causing this but I'm not doing anything more or less than what I was doing before either. So nothing to scream 100% miscarriage but nothing that says it's not... The joys of PARL. Didn't call the dr today because everything stopped earlier but I'm calling tomorrow. Part of me wants a scan but at 6+1, I know it's unlikely they'd see much of anything so I would be okay with a blood test too. I just hate this not knowing.

Dairy - I'm hoping the streaks are nothing bad! I had pink/red streaks when I thought I was six weeks and they did an ultrasound and found I was 5+3 and that it was probably him implanting more. I was also having considerable back pain. At 6+1 they'd at least see if there is a yolk sac and a fetal pole - possibly a kidney bean.
But I've decided that I'm not going to sit here wallowing in my fears. Those rooms need painting, I am going a wee bit insane worrying, and I might as well do something productive to (try to) keep my mind off of this. So back to painting I go and hopefully tomorrow I'll have some answers.

AFM - nothing huge. Except I was talking about how I was trying to convince my husband to get me a gift for mother's day since I will be 27 1/2 weeks along then. I want a specific Michael Kors bag - only because I won one last night at Bingo but opted to get the money instead because we are moving and can use the money more than I can the purse. But I had two people tell me that I shouldn't celebrate mother's day because I haven't "walked the green mile yet"... I told them my justification is at this point in my pregnancy, if I were to have a loss I would have to go through childbirth. But they even said, even then I am not a mother until I've had to take care of my own infant. I was crushed... Like seriously? I considered myself a mom the minute I made it saw it looked like a real baby at 10 weeks.

 

[Hope39]

Oh goodness DS - that's a bit too much info for a Friday morning . I've about fallen off my chair in shock!!

 

[DSemcho]

hahahaha that's why I've hidden it!! I was hoping Melfy had some advice. I don't know anyone else who has gone through that kind of situation or could give advice.

 

[Tasha]

I wasn't expecting that either. Honestly sounds like he is bi-curious to me, nothing you wrote leads me to believe he is gay.

Melfy, tell the IL's that you deserve to be loved not just in a platonic way but in you are my world, I want to emmerse myself in you way. And that your ex deserves happiness too. That their relationship with the grandchildren will only be affected if they continue to push the ex away by forcing him to be something he's not.

Florida I'm sorry sweetie x

Dairy, everything crossed hun x

 

[DSemcho]

I was also considering maybe bi-curious. He seems freaked that I enjoy the play I'm surprised I enjoy it honestly. But I can't share lol. I'd be fine with it if he was - hells bells I'm bisexual so it would be hypocritical of me.

 

[melfy77]

DS: wow that's a lot to take in before having my first coffee hahaha. I think when I look back, I was just in denial, didn't want to admit that something was wrong. We both lived in a lie, but I am happy he came out now as opposed to 20 years down the road. As for your DH, he could be bi, or, like the others said, just be curious. That being said giving everything if he's opened to talk about it I would ask him. Because I imagine how hard it must have been for DH, trapped and always pretending to be someone he's not, and I don't think it's fair. It's not fair for you either. Some men just have a lower sex drive, but with the porn and evertyhing (DH was also doing porn and I had no clue about it), I would try to figure things out. IMO I would have been totally ok if DH had been bi, but he's not, and there's not a whole lot I can do...now I just steer clear of handsome guys, they're hiding something I am so sorry you're going through this, it's not easy!!

Tasha: wow just noticed it's almost your V-day

 

[dairymomma]

Dsemcho-wow. But I'm glad you two are able to talk about things and I think I'd lean towards the bi-curious angle too.

AFM-I'm still firmly in limbo though I'm almost certain it's another loss. I passed a clot last night and had red staining (like red wee, not discharge) on the tp before I went to bed along with some pressure and aches down there. No actual cramping though and it's brown this morning, but it's still there. I am feeling pressure and a pinch on the right side though so I'm going to call the dr today and ask/beg/plead/outright lie if I have to (I'm desperate so give me a break...) for an emergency ultrasound today. I'm certain it's going to confirm the loss but my biggest fears (molar or ectopic) are back and I want to make sure it's just a regular old loss.

My birthday is in a couple of months and my only wish this year (and every year from here on out as well as any wishes I make on shooting stars, four leaf clovers, and at wishing wells) will be to have one more successful pregnancy without ANY complications whatsoever. None. Nada. Nein. I told DH last night that I need to have one more baby. I NEED to have one more baby successfully. This is just getting too hard but I NEED to have my pg 'career' end with on a happy note and not with a loss, you know?

 

[Tasha]

Great advice mel.

I know it's crazy to me especially when you consider that marks 13 weeks until baby is born. It's a tough old weekend for me really because the 21st March 2007 my waters broke at 28+6 with Honey that turned out to be the beginning of the end for her, then 22nd March 2011 was my anomaly scan for Riley Rae which was bad as she was so small and little waters, it was pretty obvious she wasn't coming home. Then gestation wise 24 weeks is when RR died, 24+1 it was confirmed and 24+3 she was born, so I deal with all of that over the next few days too. I have a scan on Wednesday (24+3) so hopefully that will offer reassurance.

Dairy I won't ever get the uncomplicated thing but finishing with a rainbow is my aim too, I couldn't live with all the sadness being the end, hopefully this will be for both of us.

 

[Ummi2boyz]

DS: I don't celebrate mother's day, as it should be celebrated every day.
however, you are a mother as soon as you know you are pregnant. This LO you are carrying is alive and you are feeling for him, providing for him so it doesn't make you any different from other mums who have their baby in their arms.
Sorry I can't comment on the other issue, I have absolutely no idea. Maybe it is just a fantasy? At least he's talking to you about it.

Florida: thinking of you hun.

Dairy: just saw you're last post.
if it is another loss, then I hope it goes as easily as possible on you and there's no complications.
But I do hope it's a sticky bean you have there.

I would like my journey to end on a positive note and I think I would not have stopped ttc until either I get a rainbow or menopause. If I come home with my baby in my arms, I don't think I will ttc again. I'd be too afraid of ending the chapter in a bad way. I just hope I won't get broody again.

 

[SweetV]

DS - I agree that was a lot before 2 sips of my coffee. I think whomever said to ask him is right. Just ask... If he out and out lies at that point you have done what you could. If he is truthful even if it isn't what you wanted to hear you have opened those gates. I also agree that you are a mother. The minute the test comes back positive you are a mother, you would give your life for theirs, have already given up so much. You deserve that bag!

Dairy - I laid in bed this morning coming up with things I could say to have that ultrasound like right NOW! Fx that they listen to you and that everything is perfect

Tasha - It's so hard when you know that Vday isn't what it should be. Huge hugs and fx that you make it over this hurdle with strength. I wish I could go from 21 weeks to 30 as I am going to be a disaster.

 

[DSemcho]

Lol I didn't mean to shock everyone. It was like 11am/12pm here at the time.

 

[SweetV]

I need some advice ladies as this kept me up all night.
I think I told you about the expectation that I work 80+ hours/week. In April/May it goes to 100-120 hours/week. My boss just handed in his 2 weeks notice yesterday and my biggest fear is that they are going to ask me to be his replacement. This means no assistant (as that's what I am) and at least 120+ from here until the end of May. I don't know what to tell them. If my ultrasound goes well on Thursday I'm asking to be put on a sick leave as soon as possible or to ask for modified duties. I am afraid though that I turn down the promotion and then miscarry again and I will feel like an idiot. I am prone to mmc which means everything could look good on Thursday and a strong heartbeat found and then everything goes bad. I don't know what to do. I knew my boss was thinking of leaving but I was hoping that it would be after May. I haven't told anybody yet that I'm pregnant just DH as I have told them about 4 of my other losses and it's heartbreaking to have to go back later and say "yep, failed again...." so I was going to hold off as long as possible. My brain is a mess.....

 

[hopeful23456]

sweetv- what do you do for a job? that's ALOT of hours

dairy - so sorry to hear about the clot passing

happy vday Tasha hope scan day comes quickly and all is great. so hard to go through what you've been through

 

[dairymomma]

I'm actually doing better this time with the bleeding aspect this pg I think because I've had spotting at least once a week since I found out so it's sort of 'ho-hum, what else is new' feeling. And so far nothing more today other than light tan discharge and a few strings of brown cm. Trying to psych myself into hoping again but it's fizzling atm even though my bbs feel HUGE, I'm sick to my stomach, and no cramping/pressure. I just feel so defeated atm. Especially since the dr pooh-poohed my worry over a molar or ectopic and refused my request for an ultrasound. His reasoning? (You'll love this...) "You can't see anything until the hCG is over 6,000." Uh, no? I've seen a baby and hb as early as 6+1 with an hCG of less than 3,000 and at the very least, we'd see the sac and probably the fetal pole at this point. Plus, with my hCG at 1500 a week ago, it's more than likely my numbers would be high enough now. But nope. Begging and pleading with his nurse (even let a few sniffles sneak into the phone when I was talking to her) and bringing up ectopic more than once wasn't enough to pursuade him to change his mind. So I got a blood test. Which may or may not tell me anything... What I wouldn't give to have that portable ultrasound machine DH was talking about getting for the cows right about now....

 

[dairymomma]

Well, I'm calling it over. Cramping is amping up a bit and I passed another clot (or at least something that looks more like a clot than red cm) just now. Aching back and belly is constant too. Think it'll be fully over by morning. It wasn't my sticky rainbow this time. But I'm going to wrap myself in my thick blankets, cuddle up with my kids, and take the next few days to just breathe. There's time enough for the real world to intrude later. Right now, I just want my family and lots of hugs.

I won't lie though. I am DREADING telling my mom because I know it's gonna cause her to worry and I didn't want her to worry about me when she's got my brother's situation to deal with. But maybe worrying about me will take her mind off my brother? One can only hope, right?

 

[Squig34]

Dairy, I'm so sorry