Pregnant and in boyfriend limbo

[Orchid83]

In short, my bf and I fell pregnant by accident, I am now 8 weeks. At first his reaction was far from ideal (he was an utter jerk!) and he said he didn't want to be with me.

When I didn't chase after him i think it was a shock, and he slowly came around, and has started to make an effort, seeing me, planning things, being very affectionate etc. Basically started acting like the man I fell in love with in the first place.

This is all great, but it doesn't stop me from feeling in limbo. He has told no-one of the pregancy, I have told only my best friend and mom. He hasn't metioned us moving in, hasn't bought anything for the baby etc...he hasn't even mentioned New years or xmas plans which makes me sad, as people are beginning to ask, and share their plans...

Since I'm now making a massive effort to be confident and not needy, preassuring/whingeing/demanding is out of the question. But it's hard when I want to make plans and decisions before the baby arrives in July, and I have no definite answers from him.

We're both going to the first ultrasound on thursday, which he wants to come to. He's being affectionate constantly, and acting as if he wants to be with me...but he has a history of volatility which means I'm still on edge!

How do I deal with this situation?

 

[Starbucket]

I think you need to think about what you want from this relationship for yourself and your child. Do you want to be with this guy? If the answer is yes, then sit him down, explain to him how his actions are making you feel..

 

[Sweetie]

I think you need to think about what you want from this relationship for yourself and your child. Do you want to be with this guy? If the answer is yes, then sit him down, explain to him how his actions are making you feel..

Good advice here^^

 

[bek74]

I think your only 8wks along so there is no need for him to be going out shopping for the baby, you haven't even had your first scan yet. My hubby has NEVER bought anything with any of my pregnancies, but after our usual 18wk scan we both go out TOGETHER and do some baby shopping, I enjoy that time.
Hubby and I aren't telling anyone about the pregnancy until we know we are past 12wks, and I don't want him running about telling all his family and mates.
I think if he is making the effort and your enjoying the time together than just go with it. Talk with him, why does he need to be the one to bring up Christmas Plans or New Years plans, you can bring it up. Most men just seem to think the women has it all sorted and goes with the flow.
AS for moving in together, maybe he isn't ready at the moment, you said this pregnancy wasn't planned so give the guy some time to adjust.
You can't do a HPT and expect him to move in, tell his family and mates and get on with the baby shopping, I think that is a big ask.

I think communitcation is the key to a healthy relationship so I think that should be your focus, not baby shopping or him moving in. Focus on talking, getting connected and time for you BOTH to adjust to the massive change that has taken place in BOTH your lifes.

All the very best

 

[myfirst]

don't worry about him buying stuff yet. it's super early yet.
moving in? from what i understand, you two are on the younger side. do you two have jobs that you can support an apartment and bills with? just asking.

 

[Orchid83]

Young at heart maybe? hehe. I'm 26, he's 35. We're both living seperately at the moment, individual rent, bills etc

 

[myfirst]

oo jeeze. thot you two were younger by the way you were describing your situation this entire time! sorry

 

[Orchid83]

Well, to be fair his reaction initially would have been far more age appropriate were he a teen...

I wouldn't say he was immature...but he isn't mature either...one of the young in heart an body types who likes his care-freeness and his boy toys. A baby is a big threat to that I guess.

He always said he wanted to be a father, but later. I don't know how long he was planning on waiting.

 

[aliss]

How long have you guys been dating? I'm the same age as you, I can't imagine going through that

 

[Orchid83]

We've been dating for 9 months (ironic!).

It hasn't been easy, but I just keep telling myself me and the baby will be fine no matter what. Of course I would love him to step up to the mark completely, commit totally, propose, move in together, be a family...but dreams don't always come true, and even when they do, it's not always easy sailing...

 

[poppykat]

Our baby was also a 'happy accident' and my boyfriend took about 3 or 4 weeks to get used to the idea. Although we live together he was extremely quiet and distant. I really worried he was going to leave me and didn't want me or the baby but it was just his way of dealing with things and getting his head around the fact his life is going to change forever. I think it comes a bit more natural to women and our maternal instincts just kick in when we find out we are pregnant.

After we had an early scan at 8 weeks and he saw our baby moving around he has been amazing and so so supportive. He is really excited about being a daddy now.

It is good he is trying to be more affectionate and making more effort. MAybe he just needed some time like my boyfriend did?

Hope everything works out for you xxx

 

[lauren10]

I agree with bek...even my husband, who was more eager to start a family than me is still a little cautious about the whole thing. It's really early on so we're taking things one day at a time. Neither of us have bought a thing for the baby...that will come later!

I think you should just go about your way, and if he's making an effort then great! Still be the confident person you want to be...men supplement our happiness, they doesn't make it!

 

[moggymay]

Give him time and be patient, it is a big shock to most men - especially when you arent TTC. Seeing your baby on the scan will most likely bring it home to him what is happening, he will see his baby and for many men that is what makes the situation REAL.

As far as Christmas/New Year plans - what are you doing? Are you thinking he will be there or does he celebrate with his family? Many couples who live apart come together for some of the hols but then do their own thing for some of the rest. He is still in living alone male mode - they dont think that far ahead!

Maybe you should go to the scan and then have a nice meal TOGETHER and TALK about what you BOTH want of the future - short term ie xmas and longer term once bubs is here.

If you know in your own mind what you want - tell him - men often need a hand in starting to talk as left to their own devices they often dont want to rock the boat. At least you know he wants to be a Dad one day, maybe his idea of one day is sooner than you are giving him credit for. He may want to do it his way and just doesnt want to get excited and plan until he sees bubs himself and you are passed 12 weeks

 

[beatnick]

In all fairness sometimes it takes a man (who is maybe not been trying for a baby) to get his head around being a dad.

This could be the beginning of something great or the end.

You need to sit down with him and have it out with him. Ask all the questions you might be afraid to know the answer to. Do you want this baby? Do you want to be with me? Would you be ok about sharing responsibility if we were not together?

You need answers. You should not be trying to not be needy! This is the most needy we have been as women since we were kids! You have a right to be needy!

Get the picture clear- be honest with each other about what you want and work it out. This is no time to be vague.

 

[Loki]

In short, my bf and I fell pregnant by accident, I am now 8 weeks. At first his reaction was far from ideal (he was an utter jerk!) and he said he didn't want to be with me.

When I didn't chase after him i think it was a shock, and he slowly came around, and has started to make an effort, seeing me, planning things, being very affectionate etc. Basically started acting like the man I fell in love with in the first place.

This is all great, but it doesn't stop me from feeling in limbo. He has told no-one of the pregancy, I have told only my best friend and mom. He hasn't metioned us moving in, hasn't bought anything for the baby etc...he hasn't even mentioned New years or xmas plans which makes me sad, as people are beginning to ask, and share their plans...

Since I'm now making a massive effort to be confident and not needy, preassuring/whingeing/demanding is out of the question. But it's hard when I want to make plans and decisions before the baby arrives in July, and I have no definite answers from him.

We're both going to the first ultrasound on thursday, which he wants to come to. He's being affectionate constantly, and acting as if he wants to be with me...but he has a history of volatility which means I'm still on edge!

How do I deal with this situation?

I have noticed a lot of posters have told you to "sit down and have a conversation with him." Bad idea. Men are like puppies: they have to be shown. The reason he came round in the first place is because you didnt chase him. Be standoffish, be a bit indifferent. I guarantee you he will be even more affectionate. The moment you give in to him, or show weakness, he's going to realize he has control again.

Take it from a guy (me).

 

[Orchid83]

Thankyou all for your wonderful and varied advice.

I have often and mostly tried the direct talking approach, which usually makes him clam up, because I think he just feels I talk at him, I'm being too pushy/demanding, and I dont care what he says (not true, but true to him).

So...I have continued to be positive, live my own life, let him call, text, plan stuff. I haven't gone on about the pregnancy, or baby stuff or 'needing answers'. And so far so good. We spoke over the phone tonight and he asked me out to dinner tomorrow, and also invited me to his family christmas...

So maybe Loki is right....I'm just going to continue as I am. Scan is in two days!!

If I'm 5 months pregnant and still have no answers then that in itself is an answer! Why reward bad behaviour with attention? I'm just going to smile, and keep going...

 

[bek74]

Thankyou all for your wonderful and varied advice.

I have often and mostly tried the direct talking approach, which usually makes him clam up, because I think he just feels I talk at him, I'm being too pushy/demanding, and I dont care what he says (not true, but true to him).

So...I have continued to be positive, live my own life, let him call, text, plan stuff. I haven't gone on about the pregnancy, or baby stuff or 'needing answers'. And so far so good. We spoke over the phone tonight and he asked me out to dinner tomorrow, and also invited me to his family christmas...

So maybe Loki is right....I'm just going to continue as I am. Scan is in two days!!

If I'm 5 months pregnant and still have no answers then that in itself is an answer! Why reward bad behaviour with attention? I'm just going to smile, and keep going...

Honey thats what we have been saying. Just take each day as it comes and give him space and time to adjust to everything. I mean you wanted him shouting to the world your pregnant, going baby shopping, moving in with you and making holiday plans all at once.
Loki is right, give him time to adjust, let him come to you. My theory was that if you had a question about christmas and new years then ask, don't pout in the corner thinking the worst.
In the end what will be will be so take each day as it comes. Good luck with your scan

 

[bek74]

I have noticed a lot of posters have told you to "sit down and have a conversation with him." Bad idea. Men are like puppies: they have to be shown. The reason he came round in the first place is because you didnt chase him. Be standoffish, be a bit indifferent. I guarantee you he will be even more affectionate. The moment you give in to him, or show weakness, he's going to realize he has control again.
Take it from a guy (me).

I don't think that is how it should be, it isn't about control well at least in my home it isn't, We are equal.
To say by sitting her boyfriend down gives him control AGAIN is childish. I like my man to have a back bone, to be able to talk to me, to tell me what is bothering him, or to say, I don't know what I am feeling at the moment but when I get it sorted I will let you know.
My hubby and I talk about everything, gee I am 36 next month and already have 3 children and 3 dogs I don't need to babysit and puppy train my husband as well.
I am glad my hubby doesn't have the IN CONTROL factor and feel every conversation is a sign I am weak and he is my super hero.

 

[Loki]

I have noticed a lot of posters have told you to "sit down and have a conversation with him." Bad idea. Men are like puppies: they have to be shown. The reason he came round in the first place is because you didnt chase him. Be standoffish, be a bit indifferent. I guarantee you he will be even more affectionate. The moment you give in to him, or show weakness, he's going to realize he has control again.
Take it from a guy (me).

I don't think that is how it should be, it isn't about control well at least in my home it isn't, We are equal.
To say by sitting her boyfriend down gives him control AGAIN is childish. I like my man to have a back bone, to be able to talk to me, to tell me what is bothering him, or to say, I don't know what I am feeling at the moment but when I get it sorted I will let you know.
My hubby and I talk about everything, gee I am 36 next month and already have 3 children and 3 dogs I don't need to babysit and puppy train my husband as well.
I am glad my hubby doesn't have the IN CONTROL factor and feel every conversation is a sign I am weak and he is my super hero.

Bek, her bf doesnt WANT to talk to her. As she herself stated, when she's standoffish, he comes to HER: that's what works. Its great that you and your husband can talk as you do, that he doesnt have to be in control, etc, but that is not the case, it seems, with Orchid and her situation. Sometimes love involves playing games, and that's the cold hard truth. Childish, as you say, my statement may have been, Orchid agreed that is the best approach, a necessary evil.

 

[Orchid83]

I have taken a bit from EVERYONES advice. I don't believe that I'm playing any games by simply not pushing the issue. He obviously has started to come around when he felt the preassure wasn't ovepowering, and I believe that as bought about more EQUALITY. We are both letting the other be who they are, and not pushing or demanding as a result of fear.

My partner is like everyone, different in different situations. Sometimes he talks about his emotions and is very verbally communicative. Other times he communicates far better through body language and actions when the preassure is off.

I guess it all comes down to reading the situation, and letting things take their time.