Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[heatherr]

I promise, it won't get any easier as time goes on. You need to tell them ASAP. These are your parents. Do you really think they're going to throw their pregnant 17 y/o daughter out on the street? The worst thing that could happen is they get angry. You can't tell me your parents haven't been angry at you before, even had full blown screaming matches? They will eventually have to come to terms with it if they want to be a part of their grandchild's life. The sooner the better, because it's only going to get harder and give them less time to process it.

It's not that I think they will kick me out. My parents aren't like that. Yeah my parents have been mad at me before, but I've never done anything like this. I'm such a "good girl" all the time. I've never given them any reason to worry and I'm usually always responsible. It's just how angry and disappointed in me they'll be. I just feel like it'll be really awkward once they know. I'm like the perfect daughter in their eyes.

 

[KFrey]

Hi Heather,
I have been following your posts and not chimed in yet because I never knew what to say. For starters, you are human and you make mistakes and you will always be your parents little girl. You are right that it will probably be awkward at first but I think you might be surprised of their reaction... or maybe their "after reaction" reaction... because they are human too and may not react the best. By the way you describe them, they sound like great people who really care and love you.

Everything will be okay and I think you will feel a lot better once you tell them. It is really important that you see a doctor ASAP. I don't think I would be able to tell both parents at the same time... I would probably do it one at a time or tell my mom and she would help tell my dad. That's what I did with my daughter and I was 26.

Good luck to you hun! You are strong and can do this! Whatever "this" might be to you.

 

[Feronia]

Hi heatherr, it's unfortunate that you don't have a Planned Parenthood near you. Can you search around to see whether there are other options for pro-choice clinics? When I was a teen, I went to a free clinic in California that did not tell parents anything you didn't want them to know, and they offered a variety of options in terms of reproductive health and free contraception. There might be something like that in your area.

 

[Eidson23]

I promise, it won't get any easier as time goes on. You need to tell them ASAP. These are your parents. Do you really think they're going to throw their pregnant 17 y/o daughter out on the street? The worst thing that could happen is they get angry. You can't tell me your parents haven't been angry at you before, even had full blown screaming matches? They will eventually have to come to terms with it if they want to be a part of their grandchild's life. The sooner the better, because it's only going to get harder and give them less time to process it.

It's not that I think they will kick me out. My parents aren't like that. Yeah my parents have been mad at me before, but I've never done anything like this. I'm such a "good girl" all the time. I've never given them any reason to worry and I'm usually always responsible. It's just how angry and disappointed in me they'll be. I just feel like it'll be really awkward once they know. I'm like the perfect daughter in their eyes.

I understand that, of course. I was the same exact way. I am also the most like my mother out of 4 kids, so when I got pregnant she was disappointed, but she also became my strongest supporter. Honestly, she handled me being pregnant so young better than she did me coming out as gay. It'll be tough to get it out there, but I promise, if they are the type of parents I think they are, they are going to support you even if they are disappointed.

 

[heatherr]

I think I'm officially the worst daughter ever now. So I have been working up to telling my parents for nearly a month now, since I found out. I have been trying to figure out howto say it and when, but every time I try I just can't do it. So a few hours ago I was in the shower and decided I was just going to come out and say it. So after I got out of the shower and got dressed and everything I just went downstairs and said "Well, I'm pregnant." My parents and sister were both just sitting there and I blurted it out. I don't think they even realized what I said for a minute. They thought I was joking. I showed them my stomach and told them to look, I wasn't lying. My dad just had a shocked look on his face and my mom almost immediately started to cry. Then my dad was like "What the hell do you mean you're pregnant?!" I told them I took 2 tests like a month ago, and that surprised them even more and when I told them I think I'm 12 weeks they were even more mad and my dad continued to yell and asked if I was planning to tell them when I was giving birth. My mom said she did know something was going on with me, but she didn't think something like this - so I was right about that. She knows I don't like to talk about things, so she didn't push it because she never thought it was something this serious. Then like I'm a little baby myself they sent me to my room, I guess because they couldn't even look at me. That's how it felt at least. They didn't even ask me any other questions at that point, which surprised me. Then when I was in my room I could hear my mom crying downstairs. So then they told me to come talk to them and of course they asked me who the father was. I had to tell them the truth. I'm trying not to lie to anyone anymore. So, I told them that I sort of dated this guy over the summer and I lied to him about my age. They freaked out over that. My just kept getting more and more upset and yelling at me, about how stupid I was, what was I thinking, all that stuff. I kept telling them I was sorry, but they wouldn't even accept that. So, I just sort of ran back to my room and they haven't talked to me since.

 

[Eidson23]

I'm sorry it's so hard it is going to be hard for a while...but you did the right thing. I can already tell you're going to be a good mother and I promise your parents will come around. Right now they are angry, disappointed, shocked. Let them feel like that. Now that you have taken care of all that, you need to take care of yourself and your baby. You're already 12 weeks dear, if not more. Are you able to buy prenatal vitamins from a local drug store or Walmart? I would do that first chance you get.

Your parents will come around. They may even apologize for reacting so harshly. They will become your biggest support system, it'll just take some time.

 

[MummyMana]

Well done for telling them! I'm actually pretty shocked by their reaction, but I take it it's not uncommon :/ I think they were probably more upset that you waited so long to tell them, I know that can make things worse... You did well though! Now you have that our of the way you can start planning and looking forward to your baby make that Dr appointment

 

[skyesmom]

good job for telling them!!!

sure, their reaction was harsh but they'll come around, you'll see. as pp said, they are shocked, disappointed and angry - all normal feelings to have as well, when someone breaks the news like this.

they'll come around though. it may take some time until the calm down and take it all in. but you did the right thing. it can't get any worse than this with them now, the worst storm is over and you'll see they will come around. they'll understand that their anger won't change the things and make them better.

it is just a lot for a parent to accept, especially if they didn't even know you were dating over the summer. they see you getting pregnant as their own failure at parenting, and no one likes to process, feel or admit that.

they may as well take it out on you not telling them earlier, and telling both to you and themselves that THAT is what made them most angry and disappointed... but it's not. it's just a very comforting lie they may hide behind, as i am sure they'll feel bad for reacting the way they did and not being supportive to you in this situation from the first moment on. but they'll digest even that, i promise.

how time to get that doctor's appointment done. and well, get the baby daddy to meet your parents. I'm saying this as seeing your baby on the ultrasound, no matter how shocking it is for everybody present, is as well a magical and bonding moment and as hard as it is, it sucks to have someone close to the baby miss out on a moment like that.

 

[ClairAye]

To be fair, most parents aren't going to jump for joy at this situation, my dad didn't talk to me until I was about 25 or 27 weeks with my first, my mum did come around after a few weeks though. Well done though, and now it's out of the way you can get yourself to the doctor and get an ultrasound booked!

 

[heatherr]

Well done for telling them! I'm actually pretty shocked by their reaction, but I take it it's not uncommon :/ I think they were probably more upset that you waited so long to tell them, I know that can make things worse... You did well though! Now you have that our of the way you can start planning and looking forward to your baby make that Dr appointment

I don't really know any parents (at least of my friends) who wouldn't act like mine did. Most people we know don't get pregnant at 17. In fact, I don't think we know anyone close to us that's had a kid at 17. For this reason, I feel like they will be ashamed of me or embarrassed that I got pregnant. I don't blame them, because I feel that way too.

Another problem is that I'm not looking forward to having a baby. I don't know if I'm going to be a parent to this baby yet. I'm just not sure. I'm not happy about it at all - I don't feel anything positive about it.

 

[KFrey]

Good for you for telling them! You will through this. Please make that doctor's appointment.

There are so many people out there that would love to have a baby... don't rule out adoption!

Your parents will come around... it is only a matter of time. I say you should keep looking forward from here on out... you can't change the past and your previous decisions but you have completely owned up and that is far wiser than any 17 year old I know!

 

[KFrey]

Please let us know how the ultrasound goes!

 

[MummyMana]

There's nothing to be ashamed of, really! Bringing a baby into this world is the most beautiful thing anyone can do - you are using your body to create a whole new human being! Pregnancy and childbirth is a completely natural part of life

To put it into perspective, you could've come home and told your parents you are a third or a drug dealer, but your not.

You really have nothing to be ashamed of, after all if having a baby was a bad thing, none of us would exist!


It's hard to imagine yourself as a mother when you first find out, but as time goes on you will begin to become excited

 

[heatherr]

^ It's just not completely normal for a 17 year old high school student who doesn't have a job and still lives with her parents to have a baby. I know it could have been worse, but it doesn't make my parents feel any better about the situation. To be honest, it doesn't make me feel any better either. I mean, none of my friends have babies. I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to college next year, not have a baby.

I'm just worried, what if I never become excited about it?

 

[heatherr]

I'm sorry if I have a bunch of types. I'm on my phone.

My mom is going to make a doctors appointment for me. She said I have to go. I begged her to wait a little longer. I'm scared of going to the doctor. That made her even more mad.

 

[MummyMana]

I know you're scared and worried, but you will find a way does the father have a job? I assume you're in America as you said you're still in high school, so I'm not exactly sure, but even in America there must be financial help for you and as for college there's a lifetime to go back and study

Try not to stress out too much, you've done the hard part now. And whether you keep your baby or choose to put it up for adoption, stress will not be good for it.

Your parents are right, you do have to go to the doctor, not only for the baby's health but for yours as well! God forbid, but you never know if there might be a complications :/

You are doing well, try to focus on the positives of your situation rather than the negatives. I know what it's like to be in awful, life changing situations, and to deal with daily stress, and I know its hard to focus on positive things, but it really does help

Have you spoke to the dad since?

 

[skyesmom]

it's good that your mom took that initiative. and please, go to that appointment. you need to get checked and know if the baby inside of you is ok. whether you decide to have it or have it adopted, they have their right to proper care.

of course, feeling like a total failure in this situation is normal. but you've kept it in and dealt all alone with it so far, and had no support system so no wonder you couldn't get excited.
you already did the toughest part of telling your ex and your parents all by yourself - and that within just a few days - give yourself a break, it takes time to take this all in, also to you.

and yes, children change your life for good and having a baby at 17 and be the only one to have it among your friends can be a challenge but it doesn't mean your life is over or that you can't take your chance at college and higher education anyway. it will be harder then without a child, but it is not impossible. and if you got a good support system, managing it all together is doable.

try taking it one thing at a time. for now, go to that appointment. and whatever decision you'll take, take your time to really think about it and also talk to your ex as he should be a part of this too.

 

[Feronia]

You seem very mature and I'm sure that whatever decision you make will be the right one. Don't let anyone -- not your parents, not the father, a doctor, or your friends -- pressure you to make any choice that you do not feel comfortable with making. Every choice has an emotional consequence, and only you know yourself and your situation enough to decide. If you decide to keep the baby and raise him/her yourself, there is probably help out there for you and plenty of women in your situation have gone on to complete their college education. It's tough, and you'll have a level of awareness and maturity that your peers will not have, but you can get through it if you put your mind to it. I'm sure you're aware of your other options and the emotional and physical consequences that come with them.

It's great that you'll seeing a doctor, but I think the important thing is that you start taking a prenatal vitamin and eating healthy if you aren't already. You don't need an ultrasound -- that may or may not even be standard care in your area -- but it will probably be done for dating purposes since you're unsure. Best of luck to you, and I hope your parents come around!

 

[skyesmom]

ah and one more thing (to all the teen mommies here):

there are certain advantages to having your children early, that you don't see now but you will discover later, and that's mainly:

- by the time you're in your late '30, your children will be grown up and independent, or well way more independent than a toddler is... meanwhile, you'll still be young, energetic and active to enjoy your life and your new free time you'll have on your hands.. with a bonus awareness of how precious that is. you may miss out on some clubbing and drunk nights in your '20s, but i assure you, partying when you're a bit more mature in your head just gets better.

- your kids have young grandparents. a thing NOT to underestimate at all - my own folks had me in their late '30s - which means that if i end up doing the same, they will be approaching 80 years of age when my own baby will be born - which can mean much less support in any sense. (fyi: i had two losses so having children before i turned 30 didn't prove so easy-peasy, anyway, never give up on your dreams!)

- by the time your kids reach college, you'll be in your mid 30s, which means full power working force with experience, meaning also a lot more money-making years before you hit pension, which makes it easier to be there as a financial security both for your kid and for yourself.

- a smaller generation gap, with all the cultural and mentality changes this brings.

- a chance to have your second or your third baby without the pressure of the age.

by this i don't mean to encourage anyone on getting pregnant as a teenager - it is a fragile phase in your life even without being pregnant, and not being financially stable or emotionally ready ain't no joke at all and puts a lot of strain on you, your life and all your relationships... i'm just speaking to the ones who are already there and may have a bad day or feel overwhelmed by the whole thing.

(AND i don't mean to discriminate or judge anyone who is in their 30's-40's or later and attempting to have a baby. there are many advantages to that as well, but i find people mostly point those out as they're quite obvious, and not much of this is said for the teens or young mommies)

 

[ClairAye]

I'm the only person out of my old friends who had a baby/got pregnant. I got pregnant to someone I had known about two months, I had no job, I was living in a fairly unstable environment away from my parents. It's terrifying, scary and emotional, a lot of people on the forum have been there too College can wait too, I'm hoping to go next year after having two kids, I'll be 20 and if my plans go the way I hope I'll be at uni at 21 and finished uni at 24, there is still time for these things!

You need to go to the appointment though, you don't need to be scared!