Pregnant by older guy, not sure what to do

[coucou11]

Hi sweetie - been stalking a little, you seem like a really strong person and you have done everything right so far in this situation!

Definitely go to the doctor, it will make it more real for sure but you need the support and care for the growing baby.

Also just wanted to share the option that if you aren't ready, you don't have to keep this baby. My sister gave up a baby boy she had when she was 17 for adoption. She now has two daughters. She is very happy with her decision, and she knows her son is happy too. Adoption is a beautiful, powerful, amazing gift and it could be the right thing for you.

Good luck!

 

[nic18]

just read through this whole thread, so glad you told everyone you needed to, bet it feels like a weight has been lifted?
please go to the doctors you need to get checked out & have a scan to make sure everything is ok.

good luck

 

[Eidson23]

^ It's just not completely normal for a 17 year old high school student who doesn't have a job and still lives with her parents to have a baby. I know it could have been worse, but it doesn't make my parents feel any better about the situation. To be honest, it doesn't make me feel any better either. I mean, none of my friends have babies. I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to college next year, not have a baby.

I'm just worried, what if I never become excited about it?

I know it's terrifying at your age. I was 17 when I got pregnant too. My son's father is a POS too. But your life isn't over. If you decide to keep the baby, you can still become a successful adult. It's a tougher road, but you'll be a better person in the end. I lived with my parents too. I am currently (and have been since I was 19) a 911 dispatcher for a police dept. I have the highest level of training I can have, not to mention now the experience to basically go wherever I want and get hired above anyone else. I go to school, online, for my degree towards criminal justice. I joined the military, thanks to my parents support at 23 years old. Something I always wanted to do and never thought I'd be able to because I was a single mom. My parents watched my son for all my training, and I'm now in the Air Force reserves. They pay for my school. My tuition assistance alone is $4500 per fiscal year, not including my GI bill which I'm saving for my son's college. I did all that, on my own, because I was driven to not just be a good mother, but the best version of myself. Your life isn't over.

If you decide to go the adoption route, you're still doing something that will be the most difficult thing you've ever done. But in return, you're giving your baby the best life you think they can have, and you're giving some family a gift they never thought they could have.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and seem much more mature than most 17 y/o. Right now it's a whirlwind of emotions. It'll calm down, and then you can make an educated decision that will be best for you and your baby. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to be confused. Everything you are feeling right now is normal. It will all be okay.

 

[heatherr]

I know you're scared and worried, but you will find a way does the father have a job? I assume you're in America as you said you're still in high school, so I'm not exactly sure, but even in America there must be financial help for you and as for college there's a lifetime to go back and study

Try not to stress out too much, you've done the hard part now. And whether you keep your baby or choose to put it up for adoption, stress will not be good for it.

Your parents are right, you do have to go to the doctor, not only for the baby's health but for yours as well! God forbid, but you never know if there might be a complications :/

You are doing well, try to focus on the positives of your situation rather than the negatives. I know what it's like to be in awful, life changing situations, and to deal with daily stress, and I know its hard to focus on positive things, but it really does help

Have you spoke to the dad since?

Yes I am in America. The father does have a job. I talked to him today. He said he's not sure about all of this. He wants to move, doesn't want to stay around here and now with a kid he'll have to.He was planning to go somewhere else for graduate school. He also said he doesn't know how he's going to have a kid with a 17 year old girl. He says it's just weird, the whole situation is not good.

But I think he is actually being nicer about it than he could be and he did say he just doesn't know what to do right now because he just still can't believe I'm pregnant, and he doesn't want to say something he'll regret or something to hurt me.

He just told me I have to go to the doctor and figure out how far along I am, that everything is ok, and what I want to do.

 

[calliebaby]

Just be careful. Someone mentioned that you are not underage/illegal. Technically, in America, anything under 18 is underage.

 

[Eidson23]

Just be careful. Someone mentioned that you are not underage/illegal. Technically, in America, anything under 18 is underage.

Not everywhere...most states the legal age of consent is 16...

 

[heatherr]

It is 16 in my state.

 

[calliebaby]

I'm glad to hear that.sounds like he's taking responsibility. I wish you all the best.

 

[skyesmom]

maybe have him come to the doctors appointment with you, if you're as far along as you think you are, you'll definitely be able to see the baby (and it looks like a real baby at 12 weeks for sure), and it may make the things more "real" to him (and to you as well). he'll be able to have some contact with his child which is not just your words. (i don't mean to be harsh or anything, it is how it is with all the pregnancies, the babies are real to women much earlier than to men, simply because they are inside of us, and they can't have any direct contact with them 'till the baby starts kicking, moving etc and is born)

 

[ClairAye]

I agree with inviting him to the doctors/ultrasound. It's the thing that makes a lot of people realise 'Omg, there is a baby in there.'

 

[KFrey]

Heather,
When is your doctor's appointment? I am looking forward to hearing how it goes!

 

[wookie130]

Hi, Heatherr...I'm not a teen by any means (far from it...I'm 36! LOL!), but the title of your thread jumped out at me, and I've read through the entire thing.

First of all, You are a very brave young lady, both for coming clean to the father, and also to your parents. It is very natural for your parents to be angry with you right now, and they too are only human, and are behaving out of shock and disappointment. I know the last thing you want is to hear that you've disappointed them, but, that's a natural response to this situation, and it will most likely improve. If they didn't love you, they wouldn't be angry...it makes it harder for you, of course, but you need to know that the anger comes from a place of love.

Secondly, I don't feel that anyone should be attempting to swaying you one way or another in terms of whether to keep the baby and raise it, or give it up for adoption. This is a choice that is solely up to you, and the father of the baby...no one else. This is not something that your parents, your friends, the father ALONE, or people on a message board can decide for you. You must act from a place of both responsibility, both for the baby and for yourself, and from your heart. What will the best thing for this baby be? Do you feel that you're in a place emotionally, financially, etc. to raise a child? Or, is it in your heart that the baby would truly be better off being raised by someone with more stability, etc.? Also, if you did choose adoption, is it a decision YOU could live with? There is time for you to ponder these issues, and perhaps you need to speak to a counselor of some sorts to help you make these decisions. Again, it is up to no one but you, and the father...a decision needs to be made TOGETHER. And perhaps that means that you don't come to the same agreement on what should be done, but then you both must agree on how to proceed with your differences in opinion, etc.

Good luck, sweetie. You sound like a good kid with a solid head on your shoulders. You can and will get through this, but do not be afraid to ask for and accept help along the way. Your parents will come to terms with this somehow...but it may take a while. Just know that they love you, regardless of their reaction, and again, this is a choice that rests entirely on you two, the parents of this baby.

 

[heatherr]

Heather,
When is your doctor's appointment? I am looking forward to hearing how it goes!

It's next Thursday. My mom is going with me. I don't know what to ask the doctor or anything. I don't think I will invite the dad to this appointment, unless he shows some interest in going. I tested him and told him when it was and he just said "good."

 

[heatherr]

Hi, Heatherr...I'm not a teen by any means (far from it...I'm 36! LOL!), but the title of your thread jumped out at me, and I've read through the entire thing.

First of all, You are a very brave young lady, both for coming clean to the father, and also to your parents. It is very natural for your parents to be angry with you right now, and they too are only human, and are behaving out of shock and disappointment. I know the last thing you want is to hear that you've disappointed them, but, that's a natural response to this situation, and it will most likely improve. If they didn't love you, they wouldn't be angry...it makes it harder for you, of course, but you need to know that the anger comes from a place of love.

Secondly, I don't feel that anyone should be attempting to swaying you one way or another in terms of whether to keep the baby and raise it, or give it up for adoption. This is a choice that is solely up to you, and the father of the baby...no one else. This is not something that your parents, your friends, the father ALONE, or people on a message board can decide for you. You must act from a place of both responsibility, both for the baby and for yourself, and from your heart. What will the best thing for this baby be? Do you feel that you're in a place emotionally, financially, etc. to raise a child? Or, is it in your heart that the baby would truly be better off being raised by someone with more stability, etc.? Also, if you did choose adoption, is it a decision YOU could live with? There is time for you to ponder these issues, and perhaps you need to speak to a counselor of some sorts to help you make these decisions. Again, it is up to no one but you, and the father...a decision needs to be made TOGETHER. And perhaps that means that you don't come to the same agreement on what should be done, but then you both must agree on how to proceed with your differences in opinion, etc.

Good luck, sweetie. You sound like a good kid with a solid head on your shoulders. You can and will get through this, but do not be afraid to ask for and accept help along the way. Your parents will come to terms with this somehow...but it may take a while. Just know that they love you, regardless of their reaction, and again, this is a choice that rests entirely on you two, the parents of this baby.

Thanks for this response. It means a lot to me for some reason...it's like all of the things I have been thinking about. I know I have time to make a decision, but it doesn't feel like I do. In a way I do wish someone else could just make the decIsion for me. Up until yesterday I did not want to have this baby at all. Then today I wasn't even really thinking about it and I just got this really strong feelings out of nowhere that this is my baby and how could I not keep it? I think it's the first time I was able to process that it's an actual baby and not just this problem and secret. But then as soon as i had that deep feeling I felt so scared because I don't know how I can be a parent. I have never even had a job! I also don't know if I am ready to dedicate my life to a child. I guess I am also scared of the whole situation. I just don't know how it'll work out with the father and I always wanted to have kids with someone I was actually with.

 

[MummyMana]

He may well feel awkward about asking if he can come, I would just bite the bullet and say "you're welcome to come along if you want"

Not sure what to suggest as for what to ask the dr, they will probably just be referring you to the midwife it America equivalent, that's what my first drs appointment was "I'm pregnant" "ok we have a midwife appointment available in Tuesday at 11" "great thankyou", the initial midwife appointment they take blood to check you are immune to everything, blood type etc, and ask you a million questions about your families medical history (you may need the father there for that one as I'm guessing you wouldn't know his family's medical history)

Good luck with the appointment I'm sure it will all be fine

 

[heatherr]

He may well feel awkward about asking if he can come, I would just bite the bullet and say "you're welcome to come along if you want"

Not sure what to suggest as for what to ask the dr, they will probably just be referring you to the midwife it America equivalent, that's what my first drs appointment was "I'm pregnant" "ok we have a midwife appointment available in Tuesday at 11" "great thankyou", the initial midwife appointment they take blood to check you are immune to everything, blood type etc, and ask you a million questions about your families medical history (you may need the father there for that one as I'm guessing you wouldn't know his family's medical history)

Good luck with the appointment I'm sure it will all be fine

It's not that I mind asking him, I just don't really want him there. I rather have my mom with me and I don't want both of them there because it'll make it too awkward. I have yet to address him meeting my parents, but my mom is already threatening to call him herself. I swear she will steal his number from my phone if she can.

 

[MummyMana]

I'd say it sounds promising that your mum wants to meet him if you feel more comfortable going without him that is fine, I just thought you were worries about asking him! Do try to make him feel included though, if he feels pushed out he may not want to make an effort to be around, as he will feel he "isn't wanted" or isn't needed...

Oh and in regards to your other post, no one knows how to be a parent until they are a parent 50% is instinct, 30% is learned on the job, and the rest is just improvisation everybody has the capacity to do it, you just don't know that until you have a baby in your arms then they turn into a toddler and it's like starting from scratch lol

 

[Eidson23]

My son is almost 8 and I still question if I'm a good parent and doing things right. My wife is pregnant, and I'm scared to death of starting over again sometimes. I don't even know if I know how to hold a newborn anymore!

If you don't want him there, then don't force yourself to ask him. Your mom is the best support system at this point anyways. Everyone always grows up hoping to be with the person that they have children with and it will all be perfect, but things don't tend to work out that way. My son's father is a piece of shit, and I still can't regret being with him because my son is just the best thing that's ever happened to me. It sucks I have to deal with his dad for the rest of my life. I guess I'm trying to say, things don't always work out as planned. You have time to decide, and you seem very capable of making an educated decision about this. Either way, it'll be hard on you forever. You're taking all the right steps so far, even given the crazy surprise it was.

 

[Feronia]

Oh and in regards to your other post, no one knows how to be a parent until they are a parent 50% is instinct, 30% is learned on the job, and the rest is just improvisation everybody has the capacity to do it, you just don't know that until you have a baby in your arms then they turn into a toddler and it's like starting from scratch lol

This is so, so true. You can never really know until you do it! I was 25 when I became a mom and before then I had never been around babies or kids. The first baby I ever held was my own, and it was scary, but I picked up the whole "parenting" thing. Though I still don't really feel like a "mom."

There's a learning curve no matter what age you are, and it's going to be there whether you're 17, 25, or 35. Babies don't really need that much in the beginning except milk, diapers, and love, and you really do pick it up as you go along.

 

[wookie130]

Perhaps seeing the baby a few times via ultrasound will make your decision easier, either way. You do have time, but definitely try to speak to someone...I would expect your feelings on what to do may become more clear as your pregnancy progresses.

Age does not make motherhood easier, but I'm glad I waited to have my life (career, marriage, finances, a home) all sorted before I added kids to the equation. This doesn't mean that life has to follow that linear sequence in order for you to be a good mother...for many, kids come first, and the rest comes later. Either way, there are plenty of resources available to help you along the way.