pushing it here. anyone else over 45?

[Mellybelle]

I just typed a huge post and it disappeared!!!!
Basically what it said was:
Ruth. There is no getting over it. You lost your baby. It is devastating and it takes a great toll on your physical and emotional health.

After I lost baby Kyle last year I was in a very bad way. I would really have benefitted from counselling and I probably needed anti-depressants. No one wanted to talk about my loss with me, everyone wanted me to get over it. I know I was on the edge of insanity for a long time.
After we lost Evie I was more prepared for what i had to go through. It certainly wasnt easier doing it all again, but I knew what questions to ask, what I wanted from the hospital etc. I was also determined not to have anyone think it was 'just a miscarriage'. She was out little girl and we loved her. We had a cremation and memorial service for her and I played a video that I had made.
Here is evies video.....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJt9JoGSmbc

Might be a good idea not to watch it if you are feeling emotional. I still cry every time i watch it, but good tears iykwim.

Sorry to crash the thread a little,but I like to post Evies video as often as possible. I want lots of people to see it. I'm hoping it will stop a lot of people from thinking 'just a miscarriage'.

It helped me a lot to make the video. Do you have a memory box or a journal or something Ruth. I know some people just want to forget, but I find it healing to remember.

 

[Macwooly]

To all you wonderful ladies who have had to say goodbye too soon to your darling sons and daughters

 

[angifi]

Ruth, I certainly understand how you feel. It is devastating. Last time (my first miscarriage), I felt completely bereft. I was in a dark place, and my DH really feared for my sanity.

Can you talk to someone about it? A counsellor?

I was amazed at how insensitive people (especially health professionals) could be. It helps to talk to others who are sympathetic, or have been there.

This time, and it is still very raw, I am equally as sad, but I seem to be coping very differently. Perhaps it is because I know I will get through it, maybe it is because I still hold out hope for a future with a new baby in it. And I think knowing what to expect really helps. At first I felt very cheated, and really angry that I would have to feel the pain all over again. I still feel majorly pissed off that I have to go through two due dates without a baby in my arms.

But I think it makes me all the more determined to try again.

I'm not sure how I'll go if it happens again, but I think I am more realistic about the chances of it happening again.

Mellybelle, thanks so much for the list. I will take it with me when I see my dr in three weeks. By then she'll have the results from the testing of the baby too. I hope she'll agree to the blood tests, or refer me to a specialist. I live in the country, so I don't know if I'll have to travel to the city, but I think it would be worthwhile.

I agree, it is good to have memories of your baby. We all have such beautiful hopes and dreams for our babies. It helped me to keep a journal, and to write a poem.I wanted to post a link, but I can't because I haven't posted on this site enough.

I'll try to copy the poem:

A Poem for my lost baby
I'm going to make a pillow
to lay my grief upon

I'll collect all the little reminders
and stuff it full
with everything
that I made for you

silken soft, the mohair silk tiny cardigan
half knitted

The pretty peach, green and turquoise patchwork quilt
the top finished, just waiting for the backing.

The squares of fabric, perhaps a little dress?Or pants if you are a boy?

The tiny little socks,striped orange and turquoise.
Your little white growsuits and other tiny clothes.

My recently purchased maternity clothes, waiting for my belly to grow.

And the ultrasound DVD.The one I couldn't watch on my mac because it is pc compatible. I want to see your heartbeat again. But I can't play it...

Because my little one, you're never going to wear the clothes
The quilt will not adorn your bed
my belly won't fill out the stretchy tops.

Instead I shall lie down
and I'll remember how I saw your future,
how I could see your smiling self, giggling with Charlie, running on the beach,
squeezing my hand with your chubby little fingers.

I longed for your growth.
To feel you move in my belly.
To have your siblings watch you move under my skin.

I longed for your birth. That first cuddle.

The first long look at you, the marvelling at your perfect beauty, your newborn softness.

Instead I put away the reminders and I have say goodbye.

But I'd really rather not.

 

[Jax41]

angifi - that's beautiful

Ladies - I really hope you don't mind me reading your very personal and emotional messages. I can't begin to image how you must have felt, be feeling at any time in amongst all this sadness

 

[Butterfly67]

Ladies, I also started reading this thread to say that yes, I am 43 but am trying for my first.

But I'm not really sure what I can say now - you are all so strong (I guess you have to be) for what you have gone through and I wish I could give you all

I really hope that you all get your sticky beans.

When I started this I was excited and hopeful but I think I was fooling myself that this would be easier than it really is and I'm now not convinced at all that it will happen at my age.

 

[Macwooly]

Ladies, I also started reading this thread to say that yes, I am 43 but am trying for my first.

But I'm not really sure what I can say now - you are all so strong (I guess you have to be) for what you have gone through and I wish I could give you all

I really hope that you all get your sticky beans.

When I started this I was excited and hopeful but I think I was fooling myself that this would be easier than it really is and I'm now not convinced at all that it will happen at my age.

Please don't think like that it can and will happen for you regardless of your age

 

[Garnet]

If there is any hope there was a lady on other thread 35 pregnant that was 46 or 47 that had a healthy baby. I've had two MC and am 43.

 

[Desperado167]

Melly I cud not watch your video today as I am struggling to cope ,but I will be strong enough one day I lost my little son at 19 weeks to downs ,I wouldn't let them take him away from me so I carried him in my tummy even thou I knew his little heart had stopped beating for six weeks ,,everyone thought I was mad but I just couldn't bear to be parted from him ,in the end my placenta attached itself to the lining of my stomach and I lost 6 and a half pints of blood and nearly bled to death ,at that stage I didn't care if I died as I knew then I would be with him for eternity,at that stage the grief was so bad I wasn't thinking straight ,I had my four children at home who needed a mom and my wonderful husband who needed me,but at the time I just couldn't think of anything else but him,it took me a very long time before I could venture out ,I lost a lot of friends that said it was for the best as he would be too much to handle and it was a blessing he had died,I could never forgive them ,but I now realise it was just how they felt and everyone is different,I have since lost seven other babies ,six of my babies didn't make it to 8weeks and y poor twins passed away at just past three months .I thought I would never be able to cope but I have ,its been bloody hard ,so Ruth please don't be hard on yourself ,you just lost a much wanted and loved child,and u will never get over it,the pain will lessen over time but u will never ever forget ,give yourself time to grief ,we are all here for u and we all love you,I wish I could do something else to ease your pain,remember I am always here,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Butterfly67]

Melly I cud not watch your video today as I am struggling to cope ,but I will be strong enough one day I lost my little son at 19 weeks to downs ,I wouldn't let them take him away from me so I carried him in my tummy even thou I knew his little heart had stopped beating for six weeks ,,everyone thought I was mad but I just couldn't bear to be parted from him ,in the end my placenta attached itself to the lining of my stomach and I lost 6 and a half pints of blood and nearly bled to death ,at that stage I didn't care if I died as I knew then I would be with him for eternity,at that stage the grief was so bad I wasn't thinking straight ,I had my four children at home who needed a mom and my wonderful husband who needed me,but at the time I just couldn't think of anything else but him,it took me a very long time before I could venture out ,I lost a lot of friends that said it was for the best as he would be too much to handle and it was a blessing he had died,I could never forgive them ,but I now realise it was just how they felt and everyone is different,I have since lost seven other babies ,six of my babies didn't make it to 8weeks and y poor twins passed away at just past three months .I thought I would never be able to cope but I have ,its been bloody hard ,so Ruth please don't be hard on yourself ,you just lost a much wanted and loved child,and u will never get over it,the pain will lessen over time but u will never ever forget ,give yourself time to grief ,we are all here for u and we all love you,I wish I could do something else to ease your pain,remember I am always here,xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[animalcracker]

When I started this I was excited and hopeful but I think I was fooling myself that this would be easier than it really is and I'm now not convinced at all that it will happen at my age.

I felt exactly the same way. We started TTC April 2010 which isn't that long really. Got pregnant quickly in July 2010 and suffered a MMC in September.

It took forever to get pregnant again (we recently found out) and I'm terrified. I'm 39.

All of you ladies out there wanting a baby in your 40's - don't give up. A woman at work just got pregnant naturally with her 2nd and she's 44. She was told there was no chance of her having another baby, but she proved her doctors wrong. You can too.

 

[Mellybelle]

Angifi - your poem is beautiful and made me

Despie - your story is heartbreaking. I know that people dont say things to intentionally hurt, but for someone to say "its for the best" is unforgivable. Its never for the best.

 

[Angelicdragon]

Melly I hate that too. The well meaning people who say it was for the best and there was something obviously wrong with the baby so nature took care of it. WTH? so why should it always be my babies it happens to? When will I get a break and nature do what it is supposed to do and create a baby!

How can….

How can you say goodbye, before you could say hello.
How can you lay her down to sleep, before she could even play.
How can you kiss closed eyes in sleep before they saw the light of day.
How can she lay so silently before she could even cry.
How can her limbs be so still and never know how to run and skip.

How can so many dreams be lost.
How can so many tears be cried.
How can a heart break into so many tiny pieces.
How can such a tiny person make such a huge hole.
How can anything ever be the same.

I wrote that for my daughter Annabelle who was stillborn at 31 weeks. She was so beautiful and so perfect. She stopped moving so we went into the hospital and her heartbeat was very erratic but I was left overnight to be monitored and her heart stopped at 2:15am. Finally the On call OB was called back in and pronounced her gone at 4:30am. The midwives had spent all that time trying to find her heartbeat. I was induced at am and went into labour quickly but had to have an emergency c section at 11:08 pm. That was April 5th 2002. And not a day goes by I still miss her.She would have been 9 now.
It's snowing here and we are having fried rice for tea so I had better move off my chair and do something.
hugs to you all.
Jude

 

[Mellybelle]

That is beautiful Judy...

 

[Angelicdragon]

To give some of you hope I got my BFP with Samuel for my 40th birthday and then with Daniel when I was 44. I had just turned 45 when he was born. All natural, no assistance other than vitex. So you can do it over 40 even up to 45.. tis after that I think the road gets even harder and the climb steeper.

 

[Jax41]

Ladies, I also started reading this thread to say that yes, I am 43 but am trying for my first.

But I'm not really sure what I can say now - you are all so strong (I guess you have to be) for what you have gone through and I wish I could give you all

I really hope that you all get your sticky beans.

When I started this I was excited and hopeful but I think I was fooling myself that this would be easier than it really is and I'm now not convinced at all that it will happen at my age.

Please don't think like that it can and will happen for you regardless of your age

Macwooly's right Butterfly, please don't give up on your dreams

 

[Desperado167]

Judy,I wish I could give u a big hug :Butterfly,Please don't give up,u and me will do it together,

 

[Ruth2307]

Melly - Just watched your video. Couldn't do it yesterday. Stilled bawled my eyes out this morning but it's beautiful.

Angifi and Angelicdragon - I loved your poems. Very heartfelt and sums up how I feel too.

Thank you all for posting and sharing. It helps to know that I am not alone quietly going mad with grief over 'just a miscarriage'. Everyone keeps telling me 'at least you know you can get pregnant' or 'it was nature's way'. Sorry but that just isn't cutting it with me! I would rather have been still trying than to have fallen pregnant only to lose my baby.

Today I feel a little brighter (slept for 9 hours!!) and the sun is shining again. Hopefully today will be a better day.

Lots of love
xxxx

 

[Butterfly67]

Mellybelle, Ruth, angifi, wooly, Despie, Jax, Garnet, animalcracker, AngelicDragon thank you all for sharing and for your support.

(really hope I haven't missed anyone )

 

[Desperado167]

Ruth,am glad u feel a bit better today,I think a good nights sleep makes all the difference,remember u are never alone,we are always here,

 

[Mellybelle]

A good nights sleep really can do wonders. Glad youre feeling better today Ruth, even if its only for the day. Go outside and soak up some sunshine. Soak some up for me too. Its 9.30pm, cold, windy and horrible here.