SB22's rocky relationship UPDATE: Girls,what do i do now?

[AP]

precious-gift

The councils really drag their feet but i hear they are that tight just now. my council had 500 people bidding for 50 houses every week, so it seems hard!

It turns out OH's mobile was not on. I woke up this morning and got the delivery reports, followed by a phone call from him, sounding a bit taken aback by the messages and ultimatums I sent yesterday. he said his charger was at work all day yesterday and his phone died.

i sarcastically said thats a shame, because I thought the B&B he was staying in had everything, including a wardrobe. because his clothes havent returned from the previous episode.

He said they are next to him in work.

Whatever.

Anyway I totally let rip, and thanks to this thread and the girls here I knew exactly what to say.

rafwife I told him to man up lol!

OH is insistant that there isnt anyone else (personally I often have to remind myself why anyone would be stupid enough to go near him anyway as he is a twat in front of others and isnt exactly gods gift).

He says that he does want us but he is tired of the accusations etc. i told him he doesnt help himself sometimes.

Then I asked him how he slept at night, knowing hes leaving me alone and expected me to leave and give birth and bring a child up on my own. I asked him if it even sunk in that a baby is here and in one week its viable (woooo to that!)

He's angry with me and I'm angry with him. I think he will be back tonight, but somehow I feel like i dont want him to be now.

 

[AP]

Girls, can i ask a question, and i hope you can be honest as you can.

I am sitting here wondeing what on earth I should do. Is it advisable to patch things up, or should I just get the hell out?

I just want to do whats best. Maybe councilling could be an option if we did try?

I am scared to be alone girls, and I know i will have an awful time trying to buy buggies cots etc if I have to move out.

I cant beliveve I've trapped myself like this

 

[edinsam]

Sb sb don't be scared. Seriously it can be done. No one here can tell you the best thing to do hun, only you trully know how you feel about him. Whatever you decide you know everyone here will support people in any decision. Make the decision carefully Hun and for you and you only. Please however don't be afraid to take a hard decision as it means being single. Precious gift and I can testify to the ability of going it alone - not easy I know but it is do able and hey cots, prams etc can all be second hand - that should not sway your decision.

Think long and hard hun

If you want my mobile no pm me and you can have it.

Where in scotland are you?

Keep me posted Hun

Xxxx

 

[edinsam]

hey just a thought - precious and sb - do you think there is something in the water in scotland with our blokes or what???!!!? Tee hee

 

[misswren]

Hey hun
I would get yourself outta there and then of you feel you wish to rebuild your relationship then you are in a stronger position to do it.
I would also recommend you continue to write letters that you may not even give him as for one it will get it out of your system and calm you (which is good for babs) and for another, when he is mind fucking you with promises you can't be totally fooled with reminders.
Your baby just needs a happy mama. Babs needs NOTHING from this man. I agree that a supportive father and co=parenting is fantastic but it is not the only way.
You have support here, your cousin and your mum at the very least to talk to and I vote you focus on the positive and maybe arrange to talk to the eejit man after a month of nothing in a neutral place.
He can state his case, you can state what is and isn't acceptable. He can go on YOUR terms as the mother of his child or sod off.
So there.
Men, grrr, feel sorry for the good uns as they get tainted by this shower of scum...

Muchos to you lady.

 

[AP]

sam i am in the same city as you chick, where abouts are you in edin?

 

[AP]

He can state his case, you can state what is and isn't acceptable. He can go on YOUR terms as the mother of his child or sod off.

That, is something I must remind myself of today. thank you xxxx

 

[edinsam]

Morningside hun. If you want to grab a coffee or something let me know and we can get something sorted. I've been where u are so know what u going through. Happy to help where I can xxxx

 

[GersPrincess]

your council do actually sound as though they are trying to help you, which is amazing! Working for ours, I know how frustrated people in your situation get when they aren't helped or listened to.

Personally, if I were in your situation, whatever happens, I would go ahead with getting your own place. Far better that you remain on the list, as a priority, bidding for properties with the option to turn it down if you decide you dont need it anymore, than to decide to stay where you are for now, then have to re-start the process at a later date.

My best friend was in a similar situation when she hit 5 months gone last year, and her hubby randomly started shagging about fife. She was stronger than I am and left him. She moved in with her parents, and eventually got her own flat, by the time she'd given birth, she was able to forgive him, and he really made things up to her, but she was clear that as he was moving into HER flat things would be on her terms, and it seems to be working! They've been happy for the last 6 months. I think it helps her to know that if it ever happened again, her and her daughter are secure in their place, and he'd have to leave.

Nobody can tell you what you should do in your relationship, but you really need to give yourself space now to think about whether you believe that he loves you and wants you both, whether you are prepared to forgive him for what he has done to you so far, whether realistically you can both move forward from this, and whether you trust him or not.
I know he says it's you that's causing the probs by accusing him, but like you rightly say, it doesnt make sense that he would keep running off to a b&b and his clothes never come back.
Unless he can be honest with you, you're never going to be able to sort things out.

But whatever you do, please put your feelings and your best interests over and above his. xx

 

[AP]

My concern is that with my priority, once I am offered a house, I MUST take it. Theres no going back.

Sam I'll PM you, I'm not far away babe

 

[precious-gift]

lol maybe it is the scottish water!!

sb only you will know what is the right thing to do for you and your baby, whatever decision you make, you can be sure of support on here. the support iv had on here has been fantastic, we will be there for you.

take care of yourself and your baby

xx

 

[edinsam]

hey SB - just wondering if any update from yesterday and him returning last night?

Thinking of you

Sam
x

 

[TLT]

Honestly, do you want to try again? If he's like this now, what's to say he'll be any different once baby has arrived? Only then moving out will be much more complicated. I can appreciate that depression isn't cut and dry but if he's not helping himself, it's completely out of your hands. Perhaps move out and see if you can work on things whilst living apart? it doesn't have to be permanent but it will give you security and at least you'll know where he is in the evenings.

A lot of people see moving out as being a bad move but sometimes there isn't a better option. When my parents went through something similar to this (her making cutting remarks/accusations and him running away and making himself look even worse) my father decided to move out, got himself a 6 month rent contract on a 2 bed flat, not far from the family home, and took the time he kept saying he needed to think. By the end of those 6 months, my mum was happier and stronger and my father was utterly miserable and begging to come back home. In the meantime they had both been through individual counselling. He's been moved back in for nearly a year now and they've never been happier. Dad seems to know what he wants now and treats my mum with more respect. Mum is happier and feels like she has less to make cutting remarks about.

It's not always the beginning of the end, but if it is... once you realise it you wont care anyway.

 

[AP]

I'm a little numb, and have been able to reflect on things since hes been back, spent a day with him, and now hes at work.

I decided to stop feeling so bloody shitty and sorry for myself on saturday. Chucked on a dress and spent some time just looking after myself. Not only that, but i wanted OH to know what he'd be missing.

He came in, and I think he was rather taken aback. He asked me how I was, followed by "you look really nice"

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

I kinda ignored him at first, suddenley I just felt a lot stronger and I didnt shed a tear at all as i felt myself getting emotional and angry. I looked him straight in the eye as I said exactly what I thought of him, and it felt good to see him back off a bit.

I think with him being away and my imagination running wild, I don't 100% think he's been playing away. I dont know why he'd bother so much to straighten things out the way he has the last 2 days if he didnt want this to work.

However I am not going to give my all to him. i have become protective of my feelings and baby, and I dont want him to hurt us any more than hes done.

Granted I know personally I need to change some things I do too to make this work, but I cant take another walk out, its as simple as that.

Just gonna take it a day at a time.

 

[Chaos]

Personally I'd get the hell out of dodge. Hes pretty much proven he's not capable of dealing with your pregnancy, whats he going to be like when the kid is here?

You don't need the stress. I think part of your hesitation is .. you don't want to be alone pregnant. And that's fine, *anyone* would feel that, but I think that after a couple of weeks in your own place and you're settled and in a routine you'll realise how strong you are.

Once you're sorted out, make him prove him self to you. You said that when you were strong it shocked him, you should try that again. Prove to him you DON'T need to depend on him. You'd like to be with him, but if hes gonna treat you like shit, then you can do it alone.

Good luck

 

[Fluxuspoem]

Hi there

I think you are doing the right thing by taking each day as it comes and be protective over your feelings and the baby. You need to try and see if this can work before you walk out, as you need to see if you can offer your baby a good solid family.

However, now that you are aware of the dangers in the relationship, I think you will be better equiped to spot problems and deal with them in an effective way. You will not let him walk all over you, I am sure you wont, as your protective mother instict has kicked in.

I hope that you get the best possible outcome and that he sorts himself out. When we get strong and powerful and confident that is when they realise how much they will miss out on if they are not around.

Stick with your plan hon xxxx