Sensitive kids group

[polaris]

Tacey I don't know whether or not a diagnosis would be helpful, it might be but that would depend on what support services would then be available and whether they were any good or not. I am largely against diagnosis really because people are individuals and often don't fit neatly into boxes. However it does have its place and its uses. I'm so sorry that it seems that Alice isn't happy at the moment and also about the childminder's comments, I'm sure that was quite a hurtful thing to hear given how much thought and care you already put into your parenting, although I'm sure she meant well by it. I know you've said in the past that you are worried about possible Asperger Syndrome or similar. Maybe a diagnosis, if appropriate, might help to stop you doubting yourself to some extent? In that you and others would realize that you are not "to blame" for Alice thinking and behaving differently to other children (not that you are even if she doesn't meet criteria for a formal diagnosis, these things are on a continuum anyway and the cut-off points are rather arbitrary to be honest).

Another point that may or may not be relevant is that in adult services we do quite often come across adults with probable Asperger Syndrome who were never diagnosed as children. Many of these individuals have read up on the condition and come to their own conclusions; however it is extremely difficult for an adult to get a formal diagnosis and it is a much more complicated assessment than for a child because it is dependent on the accuracy of the developmental history that you can get from parents. That probably has little bearing at the moment as Alice is still very young but possibly something to bear in mind for the future.

ETA - Just read back over this post and realized that it makes it sound like I think she does have Aspergers, I didn't mean it to come across that way, just that I know it's a possibility that you are concerned about. She actually shares quite a lot of personality traits with Thomas and I'm certain that he doesn't have Aspergers.

 

[OmarsMum]

Tacey - she saw a paed today, she was with me online few mins back, I'm still not done talking to her.

The paed told her everything sounds normal, some kids are not social & they do have their moments, in fact the paed told her that this behaviour is due to his intelligence & not every intelligent kid suffers from asperger. Smart kids have their traits & we don't have to expect them to fit in in normal situations. I will update once I'm done with talking to her.

As for giving in for tantrums, I'm using a different approach, Omar is using tantrums to his favor to get what he wants, I don't give in anymore, & I do show him that I'm irritated & I'm using threat. It's against my earlier beliefs in soft decsipline, but this kid needs some control. Like for example, when he throws a tantrum when we're in the car I ask DH to pull over as Omar should go down, DH plays the good cop & starts saying "no no he will stop crying".

At home when he's out of control I ask him to stop or I will shout (bad I know) but it's working. He stops immediately & he starts to talk instead of screaming at me, he needs boundaries & he should not take me for granted.

My cousin is highly sensitive, he's 6, his mum never had control on his tantrums, she never set boundaries & she always gives in to get over his tantrums, until now he throws tantrums & he screams if he doesn't get what he wants. I can't deal with a 6 yrs old who have ongoing tantrums.

My brother is 19 but he's still whiney & he looses control, my mum still gives in & she does what he wants to avoid his temper. She was too soft with him as he's the youngest.

As for playing alone, many of my friends' kids who are almost 4 prefer to play on their own, Omar prefers to play on his own those days, he spends a good time in his room moving from one toy to another.

We had a good day today, he enjoyed the play, then we went to a restaurant by a boat, he was a bit picky but he ate his pizza & tried a piece of sweet. He ate on his own & he asked to feed himself. He fell asleep in the car as he was exhausted.

Yesterday we also had a good time at the birthday party, he wasn't shy, he played alone for some time & he joined the kids in some activities, it went really well.

 

[Tacey]

Thank you both. I feel like I go round and round in circles with this. We've had a rubbish 3 weeks or so, and I have a tendency to start projecting my fears on to the future. Polaris, yes, Aspergers is my main concern, although I am not at all qualified to identify it! Your reply was really helpful, and didn't come across negatively. I've been reading around on aspie forums, and although I've found a lot of striking similarities, I've also felt reassured that there are ways through it, and that I can help her develop coping strategies to help her fit in a bit better.

Omarsmum, I wasn't very clear in my last post. I don't give in to tantrums, and never have (although I am very selective about what I make a stand about.) My issue was that the CM was questioning how I react. I felt she was assuming that Alice behaves badly because of how I parent. She's a lovely lady, and trying to be helpful, but I'm feeling very sensitive about the whole thing.

Alice melts down when she can't cope. She doesn't do it to manipulate. In fact, my parents have been known to give in to her, and can't understand why the meltdown continues. They can't grasp that it's gone beyond the original issues and she's just unable to control her emotions.

I know her quirks, and I spot early warning signs. I know how to phrase things and how to get her back on track. It's exhausting, but I can mamage it now I have these two mornings off. The problem is, the CM can't possibly do this. Alice is starting a new dance class on her own too, and I'm concerned about her behaviour there. She is a delight much of the time with me, but it's like having a ticking time bomb. I need time away from her, but nobody else can manage her like me. Even DH struggles. The CM has started to say she won't be able to continue if the meltdowns keep happening. I've worked really hard at getting time for myself, and getting through anxiety and depression, and I don't know what I'll do if she can't look after Alice any more.

 

[OmarsMum]

I know what you mean in terms of having quirks, as their mothers we kind of expect the overwhelming & loss of control. We know how to deal with it, but someone from the outside might not have the patience or experience to deal with those situations.

What's good about kidville is that they know that kids are different, they understand emotional breakdowns. Almost all the kids there are difficult, but they know how to mother them. I saw the manager carrying around many kids trying to sooth them, most of those kids are 3+ , it's the most expensive centre here, I found most of the mums there are the desperate ones with kids that don't "fit"

I had a long talk with a mum who has a 2.5 yr old. She was so clingy, she didn't want to join in she almost cried when the class was over & she ran out. I saw her outside & we had a talk. Her daughter is similar to our kids she has her moments, she's very smart but she's different.

DH also struggles most of the time, he gets frustrated when he can't handle omar's tantrums.

It's not the way you're parenting, I think you're doing great Hun, don't be hard on yourself.

Did you consider pre-school? You never know she might fit in & surprise you.

 

[Tacey]

I spoke too soon about being the one who can manage her! She's just had a meltdown for just over an hour. Full volume screaming. She's so hoarse now poor thing.

No, I don't think preschool is an option for us really. She's not going to school anyway, so I think it would be confusing. She might surprise me, but I think it's too risky. She'd be going to school in September, so she'd only have one term.

Has anyone got a fiercely independent little one? From being very tiny, Alice doesn't really look to me for comfort. She might be hugely uncomfortable in a situation, but she doesn't appear to care if I stay or go. She still kisses only rarely, and I'm never allowed to kiss her back. Some things are great - she has dressed herself since she turned 2, eats independently, potty trained early. She'll stay with anyone and not cry for me. It just strikes me as unusual for a child her age. Frankly, it hurts a bit. It's awful but I give so much for her, and I'm desperate to hold her and cuddle her, and get that affection back, but there's nothing. I feel so selfish saying it, as I shouldn't expect anything from her. It's even harder as Arthur is the cuddliest child ever, and crawls to me, beaming and gives me big open mouthed kisses. It is so much easier to bond with him than Alice who screams in my face or acts like a miniature, repressed adult.

I'm so ashamed of feeling this I want to delete it all, but I guess you lot will understand most. I've touched on it before with my mum, who I discuss everything with, but she is horrified and pretty much tells me how wonderful Alice is, and how I must stop feeling that way, which is probably right, but hurts.

 

[DaisyBee]

I wanted to reply sooner but we've been busy with a bday party for Jordan with my inlaws yesterday. It ended up being with just the 2 of them which is ok. We are having another party at my parents house next sat as they thought it would be easier for dad not to travel just for a bday party.

Megan has been overstimulated since thurs night class. I didn't see it at first but looking back I think that's when it started. She has had trouble falling asleep and low on sleep, dark circles under her eyes, not napping. It's only been a few days now but it's getting worse quickly. Meltdowns, she takes her clothes off a lot when overstimulated we've realized ( as in wanting to be naked vs changing clothes), and also the panic feeling when changing shirts is only there when she is feeing overstimulated. That sense that she is overwhelmed and not at baseline. Not quite herself and not sure how to get her out of this overexcited state.

Cutie - I think having both girls in preschool part time this summer sounds like a good way to go. If you aren't liking whats going on with their current daycare I would for sure be looking at other options. Easing Christina in before fall sounds like a great idea as well. I would use dh's summer work schedule to your advantage!

I'm going to send and then respond more, I've been having internet issues and don't want to lose what I write!

Omarsmum- can you describe a tantrum... When you talk about the 6 year old tantruming and getting his way, etc. What types of things are the tantrums over? He's not getting his way so whines or screams til he gets his way?

Tacey - big hugs. Im very glad you've decided to let us in on this and not deleted it all. It has to feel better to have others to talk to about it. Your going through such a lot with her and it's not good for you to just bottle everything up. I would call Megan independent but not to the extent of what you say Alice is like. It really varies depending on megans mood. Sometimes she refused help for everything and other time she wants help getting dressed or even helping her going potty. She has never accepted help eating, refused to be spoon fed anything ever again after 9 months. She is much more feisty and stubborn, where Jordan will get that way occasionally, but much more mellow. Jordan also is more cuddly. Megan does hug and kiss but besides when we read books she doesn't sit on our lap, she isn't "cuddly". Recently is the first time I've seen her playing with dolls and pretending to take care of them. Is alice tantruming or is she melting down? From the little of what you've described I'm thinking it sounds similar to Megan with things when she gets overwhelmed. It would be worse around people and things like daycare and parties would really bring it out in her as she would get even more overstimulated. Dh and I just had a conversation where we discussed how different Megan is. Little things from how she and Jordan are so different. Megan at jordans age was very curious, very fiesty, very intense. She seemed much older at 12 months than jordan does at 12 months. We looked at some old videos. Megan already seemed mature for her age then. Megan getting overwhelmed with things and noticing everything. She takes everything in, she picks up on my mood, she was listening to books at an early age which Jordan doesn't do ( Jordan is into the touch and feel books and books with just a pic and word which is what my daycare kids were into at this age... We were reading to Megan tons already at 12 months... She had so much more interest.)
Ok lost a big section... Ill try again!
Anyway - Megan is different. Just with inlaws over yesterday she was so over the top excited. She can't regulate herself or something. When excited she is very excited, when mad she is very very mad, etc, very intense emotions. And then afterwards has a hard time winding down. Hard time sleeping after a busy day and then it gets in a cycle of not sleeping, not winding down, and then she just stays in this "alert" state until she figures out how to wind down which takes days. I really wonder if her major issues after Xmas with clothes, washing hair, eating were because she was overstimulated for an entire month? Possible? She was not herself at all that month and I wanted to pull my hair out. Everything was just such an ordeal all day long and it was very frustrating. When she is overwhelmed as well social things just make her cry and get so upset. She can't handle being around people when she is feeling that way. So at my parents house if she is overwhelmed or overstimulated or whatever to call it... People have a hard time with her and she doesn't want to be around anyone. But when she is not in that overwhelmed state and she likes to be with people and very social. At school she isnt shy at all. But the whole experience makes her very excited and she is so busy taking everything in and it ends up being a bit too much for her even though she loves it. She asks for school daily and LOVES going. We've decided to only do 2 days of preschool in the fall, I think that will be enough for her right now, as I really worry about too much being overwhelming and then her not coping. For her it's very cumulative. If she doesn't have enough time to wind down it just builds up over time.

My ideas for you... Weighted blanket. It is the best tool for us ever with meltdowns. We use to have hour long meltdowns but we don't anymore. It helps her calm just enough that she isn't melting down. We sometimes use white noise during meltdowns. Very similar to when she was a baby and melting down for 3 hours. Shut the lights off if it's really bad. Weighted blanket, talk about breathing, soothing words. I keep very calm during her meltdowns and that helps her. Before I understood them I reacted more to them and that made it worse. She likes if I sing lullabies sometimes as it soothes her, very familiar, and it's my voice, she doesnt do well with CDs or things during those times. A weighted blanket or lap pad might be very helpful at daycare.

Down time is my other suggestion. One on one time. Having her miss a few social things and days at daycare. Time to decompress and during that time spend lots of time showing her how special she is and have calming time together but yet on her terms.

Polaris- big hugs to you too! Can't imagine what you are going through with Clara right now. I really do think sleep training would be so beneficial to you all. I am a huge fan of sleep training and can't imagine where I would be right now without it. Jordans sleep was so difficult and I wasn't coping at all until we did sleep training. And I would consider Megan to be the most stubborn child I know, and I said it wouldn't work for her. She was 13 months when we did it with her, but we saw results very quickly and I don't regret doing it at all with either of them.

 

[DaisyBee]

Omarsmum - I like what you said about with being their mothers we expect the overwhelming and loss of control. That is very very true. Megan opened an Easter gift (summer pjs) from grandparents later in the day yesterday and she freaked out about her arms getting stuck as she wanted to put them on right away. They weren't stuck but she was overwhelmed so was upset before they could get stuck and it made it worse. Mil was pulling the shirt over her head and Megan couldn't handle it. Mil didn't understand at all and reacted totally different than I would and it was making the situation worse.
I'm so glad you've found kidville. Sounds like a great place!

Im so hoping megans teacher next year is as good and understanding as this one is! Her issue with smoke detectors really has us concerned... How she will handle that during school hours?

 

[OmarsMum]

My cousin screams nonstop when he doesn't get his way, he starts talking nonsense like his parents doesn't love him, & his screams are really annoying. He whines nonstop, he always looks miserable & has something to complain about. He's very dependent, he thinks he's the centre of the universe. Until now he refuses to eat alone & he expects his mum to hold his willy down when he needs to use the toilet! My 3 yrs old knows how to it! His brother who's 3 can do it but he doesn't even try!

When he has a full tantrum he climbs ups & down the stairs while screaming nonstop, he will not stop until he gets what he wants.

 

[Tacey]

Thank you for your lovely response Daisybee. You're right that it helps to get it out to all of you.

The big, hour long sessions are meltdowns. She does tantrum, which can lead to a meltdown. How does Megan (and others) act when melting down? For Alice, it seems to largely be anger. She goes purple and almost roars rather than screams. She goes rigid and hits out of anyone goes too close. I guess by the time she's got to that level, it would be tricky to get in with weighted blankets etc. I think I need to be more on the ball for early signs. A lap pad would be ideal for when she's with the CM, and maybe a cue for the other little boy to back off if she's using it. He's a sweet boy, but the opposite of Alice. Very touchy feely. I think you're right about down time too. We've had a busier than usual week, including a few new things, plus we've got snow. We've been doing yoga, and I think building that into a daily routine could really help. Child pose seems particularly useful. I've told her in a difficult situation she can do that. May look a bit odd in the street when out with the CM, but better than the screaming!

She's also been naked most of the time at home. It's been driving me nuts, as I don't want to crank up the heating. I hadn't considered it could be a sign of overstimulation. Thanks for this. I feel like I can be genuinely sympathetic towards her rather than frustrated.

Do you think it's the parties/birthday plans that has got Megan hyped up lately? I hope you find a way through it before long. The PJs incident must have been frustrating. Do you tend to step in, or let others muddle through? It's an issue I wonder about a lot.

Gosh Omarsmum, your cousin sounds like a handful! Giving in certainly doesn't make for happy children, does it? I know Alice is happier with clear boundaries. I'm not sure if I wrote about this earlier, but a while back I was reading Alice her bedtime story. I have a rule that it is just one per night, as I have the baby to put to bed too. This night, the whole routine had been very smooth, Arthur was happy too. She asked (as she usually does) for another story. I said yes, just one more, and she was so delighted. I reached the end and she asked for another. I said no, and instead of accepting it like usual, she freaked out, writhing around, throwing books. It was awful. It makes it very difficult for me to step outside our routine, but I guess that's just what we have to do for this phase in her life.

 

[OmarsMum]

Omar jumps up & down while screaming, he runs around without control. Thankfully we don't have those tantrums anymore , the worst are at the end of a long day out, he throws a tantrum in the car on our way home, he talks nonsense asking his dad to stop at a signal that is not there, he fights to sit in the carseat so I end up strapping him using the back seat belt. I have to sit in the backseat. He asks to go for a walk when we are in the car on our way home, it calms him, but most of the time I'm too tired to go for a walk as he ends up with a meltdown once we go back home.

When we stay at home we don't have any tantrums, he's well behaved & calm in general,he whines a bit when he's bored but he occupies himself most of the time. He goes out of control when he's hungry, he gets tired & he starts screaming, this is why I try to offer him snacks during the day to keep his energy up.

We have the same issue with books at bedtime, it's one book only & the same book every night. It's called Time & at the end of the book all go to bed, if I change the book or agree to read another book, he will end up screaming wanting more.

He looks into details in books, he notices flowers, butterflies, leaves, colours, etc. he concentrates on the pictures more than words. This is why I stick to the same book or he will get overwhelmed

 

[DaisyBee]

Omarsmum - your cousin sounds like such a handful! So they just keep giving in? Sounds like such a tough situation.

Once pjs are on Megan gets 3 more books. We read 2 and then brush teeth and then the final book. Never the same books every night. She has more issue when dh does bedtime as he isn't quite as firm about things and she knows that and they struggle more with bedtime then. If I do bedtime routine but he is the last in her room kissing her goodnight she tries to manipulate him, wanting to stay up longer. She knows she won't get away with that with me. Dh is working on it as he wasn't realizing it was causing her such boundary issues. She feels more secure when knowing what to expect.

Megan is a very well behaved child. I've noticed compared to other kids we've been around. Overall she listens and she isn't aggressive. She doesn't really tantrum much at all. She is very smart and witty and clever. She is great with sharing and usually very very good with jordan. She likes things to be fair and she genuinly cares about other people. And yet somehow she exhausts me and she makes me work so hard as a parent. She is so creative and curious and wants to do anything a grownup would do. She needs to know the reasons why she shouldn't do something. I do pick my battles with her and she knows the rules, she also sees if she can get away with bending them. We use timeouts on occasion, loss of something she enjoys or wanting to do, and incentives like you do this first and then we will do that. I also count to 3 which for some reason works for her, I get to 2 and she will come to put pjs on or whatever.
Her overstimulated state is chaotic. It's hard to manage and I feel like I'm constantly managing things so that she doesn't get overstimulated. During her overwhelmed state she seems very alert, almost manic even? A sign of her needing to decompress and have down time. She has more quirks when overstimulated. The overstimulation can go on for days. I know just by being around her usually that she is being normal Megan or overstimuated Megan. Im sure if I told others irl that they would think she and I were both crazy. Lol Her meltdowns occur way more often when overstimuated. They go hand in hand. When overstimulated, she gets very easily frustrated and flustered - Things bother her. She notices hunger more, being hot, tags. Her meltdowns to me don't seem like anger. She doesn't hit or lash out but just loses control of herself. She is in freak out mode with tears. Just can't cope and nothing left to do but feel crazy and out of control. It's not a tantrum as it would happen if we were witnessing it or not. Her meltdowns have improved a ton since starting to use the weighted blanket for them last fall. Having a plan and it's what we do every time seems to help her as she knows what to expect. She has to get herself calmer.

And the being naked thing... She strips when feeling overwhelmed but also being naked overstimulates her so it makes it worse. I don't let her run around naked as it makes it worse. Also things like playing dress up, imaginary play, and sensory play ( even washing hands, brushing teeth, etc) make the overstimulation worse. I can't stop those things, but I limit water play especially if she seems overstimulated. We read books for down time, books don't overstimulate her. During time ins which really are usually for meltdowns and not a punishment we read with the weighted blanket. And writing this I'm realizing I need to try to have her use her weighted blanket more in the next few days and see if it helps.

And yes the bday and Easter are probably a big cause of her issue this week. Mil babysat last weekend. Dh and I left after dinner just to go to a movie - with things with my dad I've been so busy and not a moment to myself so we thought it would be good for me to get out. Mil was having the girls dance, she bought new books for Megan, she tried to lay with Megan when she was falling asleep, and then she brought Megan to the couch in the living room with lights on and cuddled her trying to see if she would sleep out there. so we came home and I told dh... You know I bet Megan is still awake. And yep - she was. so saturday night she went to bed so late and then woke early. She has been not napping much even though we've been trying to have her nap. Then school thursday night she was so excited and then didn't fall asleep til very very late as she couldnt shut her brain off. She has been talking a lot about the Easter bunny. Today she was a mess after the party yesterday which we were expecting.

I try to let mil do things and not step in as I've always thought that in some way it is good for Megan to deal with others and not have things always the same way. But last night after she got her shirt off I comforted her and talked to her before she put the top on. As mil wasn't trying to calm her down at all and it was just escalating.

 

[OmarsMum]

Omar doesn't get overwhelmed until the end of the day, he copes well when we go out, we do 5 days out 2 days at home. When we go out ' finish an activity he asks "what's next"

We start our day by setting a map (similar to Dora). So he knows what to expect during the day. But we can't change the plan during the day, he's not that flexible, he will cry if we don't go by the plan. He copes well with tiredness but when it's close to bedtime when we're out he has his car meltdown. I prefer to go back home close to bedtime as he sleeps in the car. If he doesn't ' we reach home it shifts his bedtime to a very late hour as he gets stimulated at home &' he refuses to go to bed which might lead to another meltdown.

Imaginary play doesn't other stimulate him. He lives in a make believe world all day, he's always pretending.

 

[DaisyBee]

Imaginary play only overstimulates Megan if she is already overstimulated. She also pretend plays all day. But when overstimulated she gets very over the top with it and very over exaggerated and too excited with it. Does that make any sense?

Megan getting overstimulated isnt at certain times of the day. It's very dependent on what's going on internally. We can spend a day out and doing things and she doesn't get overstimulated at all, but another time we will only do one thing and it overstimulates her. And sleeping doesn't seem to stop the overstimulation. She can sleep 12 hrs straight through and still wake up still not back to baseline. She loves going out and she has been going places with me and dh and totally fine. But all those activities and things build up for her. She needs more time to decompress afterwards. Megan couldn't handle being out all day 5 days a week. She would be constantly overstimulated.

Megan pretend plays all day as well. I didn't explain that very well. If she is already overstimulated pretend play tends to get a bit over the top and she just gets way too overexcited. If too much exciting pretend play too close to bedtime and her mind doesn't shut off for bedtime and she will lay there for hours and talk to her imaginary friends about whatever pretend things from before and then it just goes on and on. She has a hard time shutting her brain off and her imagination is so much a part of her. She really doesn't do or say anything these days that doesnt involve pretend play. But closer to bedtime I try to be suggestive about what type of pretend play and have it be not too intense. And if she is really overstimulated I try to find other activites for her like coloring, blocks, something that isn't quite so mind racing.

 

[cutie4evr01]

Polaris, good luck with the sleep training - I remember vividly how difficult those nights are but of course it's worth it in the end as they always feel so much better once they are getting good sleep (and mom and dad do too!)

Tacey Hope you are doing ok. I'm so sorry to hear your CM insinuated your parenting was to blame - I hope you manage to let that go in one ear and out the other. These traits are certainly not the result of anything we have done/not done as parents, and aside from having patience, recognizing the signs of impending meltdown, and doing our best to teach coping strategies, I think all we can do is wait. It has something to do with brain development and nervous system wiring, right? So until they develop the appropriate neural connections to cope and control emotions, I think we just have to bear with it. I honestly have no idea about the different disorders and diagnoses, so can't offer any advice there, but if you think a diagnosis may get her some needed support, it couldn't hurt to take her for an evaluation somewhere.

Christina too has been having a lot more meltdowns lately, just when I was starting to think she was figuring out how to control her emotions. Even worse, she's having them at her daycare lady's house also, and her sitter can't spot the warning signs and has less patience than I do, so the meltdowns end up lasting much longer and more intense than at home. I think in part they are tied to sleep, as she hasn't slept well lately. Similar to Megan, once she has one night of poor sleep, she doesn't sleep well the next day and so on as the sleep deficit continues to accumulate. Meanwhile she is more easily thrown off and prone to meltdown.

For comparison sake, I'll try to address how Christina acts in some of the situations you asked about. She does not play on her own. She will now play in another room from me for about 3-5 minutes, but for the most part she prefers to play with me or at least in the same room. When she's really on edge, she wants to be sitting in my lap all day. Christina also melts down when she can't cope. She may begin with a tantrum over whatever the issue is at the moment (she didn't get what she wanted, etc.), but we can tell when it quickly turns into her not being able to deal with her emotions and the original issue is forgotten. Her scream/tone changes somehow and we know she's gone into that meltdown state because offering her whatever she wanted in the first place doesn't bring her back down (we try not to offer what she wanted in the first place, but sometimes when she gets so so worked up, we are desperate to try anything to calm her down). Christina is not independent. She's happy to dress herself, but she is not happy to go anywhere or stay with anyone without me. I think we have the other extreme in that she is TOO attached, but only to me. She doesn't even like staying with DH, although she'd choose him over anyone else aside from me. We had a huge public meltdown at church this past Sunday because I was doing some readings during the service and she wanted to come sit with me on the pulpit, which of course is not appropriate. So for 10-15 minutes DH was holding her in the fellowship hall as she screamed and kicked "I want Mommy. Mommy mommy mommy" Of course he felt awful and everyone felt bad for him, but really that is an accurate depiction of our life at home also.

I can totally understand how a lack of affection could lead to a difficulty in bonding. You have given so much of yourself to her, even more so than an average child, I imagine, because you have learned to anticipate her needs and do all in your power to keep her happy and healthy and yet get no acknowledgement. It certainly is a thankless job, but try to keep in mind she is still very young. Even though she's not cuddly, she may develop other ways of showing her appreciation as she gets older. Is she sensitive to your feelings or those of others around you? Christina is very empathetic and often says she's sorry in response to a slight change of tone, or randomly says thank you for things (such as "thank you Mommy for making me this yummy pancake"). Things like this make me feel appreciated, but I don't think they're that common amongst the 3-yr crowd.

When Christina has a meltdown, it seems to be mainly anger also. She's usually screaming and if we come close asking if she wants me to pick her up (which is usually what works to calm her down), she shouts "NO" and swings her arms at us and continues screaming so I generally leave her alone a few minutes and then approach again asking her if she wants to be picked up (and repeat, repeat, etc.). She doesn't really move around much, usually just stays sitting or laying wherever she's melting down. We have chew toys that help her calm down, but only if I catch her in her aroused but pre-meltdown state. I can tell when she's getting too stimulated because she starts acting a little hyper and changing moods quickly, also sometimes more defiant. Christina also does best with a set routine with clear boundaries. She's pretty well-behaved in general, especially in public. Her meltdowns often coincide with other states that affect all toddler moods, like tired, hungry, etc. Her meltdowns at her sitter's house are always the result of her not wanting me to leave, so she's already crying/ and worked up when I drop her off which quickly escalates to a point of no return. Once she's calmed down and started her day, she's usually fine the rest of the day. She also pretend plays most of the day too - she has a very active imagination.

Also, she doesn't play with other kids except for Caitlyn, at least not that I've seen firsthand. One older girl at church tries to play with her and sometimes she will oblige, but she never initiates play with other kids, and usually when kids come ask her to play or even just say hi, she just stares at them without saying anything at all.

 

[DaisyBee]

I'm tired today and going to bed soon but wanted to talk about jordans week. She started pulling up on Monday on her birthday! And now today she did some hands and knees crawling! She is babbling nonstop all day and saying new words " dirty" " baby" " cheese" "bread". Needless to say her naps have gone to pot this week! Lol it's been fun with all the new things she is learning all at once.

I signed Megan up for next school years preschool. 2 mornings a week is what we decided on. We figured if it doesn't seem like enough I can find another activity or class for her.

Megan has had a pretty good couple of days. It's been nicer outside and the snow is starting to melt a bit. It's been so much snow that it's been hard for her to even walk in it before now as we got quite a bit the past month. It's supposed to just keep getting warmer thank goodness! She isn't sleeping well though again so I'm sure it will start affecting her by tomorrow. And we have a playdate in the morning, hopefully she decides tonight she should sleep.

Planning a long weekend at my parents house for Easter and having another bday party for Jordan with my family. Megan has been excited for the Easter bunny even though I haven't said anything about it and haven't told her it's when it is. But she found an Easter basket full of plastic eggs and it's been part of her play all week. Today she found both girls Easter baskets I was putting together in my closet. Haha she never opens my closet and I put a blanket over things incase, and she still found it. Oops!

 

[Tacey]

Cutie, thank you so much for your reply. The description of Christina's meltdown's is certainly very familiar here! It's encourafing to be reminded that is isn't my fault,. My MIL made some well intentioned, but pretty unhelpful commnts suggesting that my social anxiety (which is under check at the moment) stops me taking Alice to big toddler groups, which is making Alice more sensitive to them. Grr.

On the emotions front, this is the thing that makes me shy away from thinking she might be on the spectrum. She is very aware of my emotions. She seems to find them very overstimulating, so we get into a vicious circle where as I get more cross/upset, her behaviour worsens and so on. We're going to my parents' over easter, and I think Alice will stay on for a couple of nights on her own. I feel like we could both do with some time away from each other.

The staring at other children who want to play made me laugh it was so familiar! It can get a bit awkward. Poor Alice cried when I dropped her off at the CM's today because a little boy was telling her over and over where they were going to go to. She wasn't acknowledging, so he kept repeating it. The CM's 3 boys are there today too, who Alice usually loves to be with, but I think the noise and numbr of people overwhelmed her. I wouldn't be surprised if I get a phonecall asking me to pick her up early.

I hope your phase of meltdowns is over soon. It must be so exhausting, especially if you're the only one she wants. How does your DH feel about that? I imagine it's hard for him too.

Daisybee, I'm sure they have homing devices for secrets! Alice is excited for easter too. We've been doing lots of crafts together, which has given us some much needed bonding time. Great news that she's had a good few days. Hopefully sleep will improve. It's amazing how much it affects their mood. Jordan is coming on so quickly! I love that age. They learn so much and you can see their character developing. 2 mornings a week is what Alice does with the CM usually, and (despite recent hiccups!) it's been great. Enough time to still do other things too, which gives a good balance to the week.

Alice had her boosters yesterday - and was a complete star! The nurse is the most wonderful woman. I always try and get her. She talked so respectfully, and kindly to Alice, and is so quick at giving the jabs. The first one, Alice didn't even cry, although the second one stings (MMR), and she cried and cuddled me. She didn't say a word all the way home, but perked up before bed (sigh!).

Please feel free to tell me if you think I am overanalysing and being too keen to find a label. Honestly, I don't know if I have a tendency to over think things. When I was teaching, I had a little girl in my class who had selective mutism. It occurred to me that this answers a lot of the quirks Alice has when in social situations. What I've read suggests it's often picked up on in preschool, but as she's not going it falls to me to spot if she needs more help. They also say the sooner it's addressed, the better. It fits her, right down to how when under stress she talks to me in a weird husky voice, or only says the first syllable of a word. I don't know if I'm clutching at straws trying to diagnose her with something, and whether she'd be better off being seen by someone or being left to develop in her own time. Stuck.

 

[gingajewel]

Hi all I just wanted to give you all a little update on Megan. We had a meeting with the psycholgist, Megans Key Worker at Nursery and the SEN leader last week and it was so positive. Megs key worker has said that now Megan will join in with an activity and will also play with other children (she had one friend at nursery and would only play with that little girl) Meg is still not good with big groups of people but now doesn't need one on one play and can quite happily play with three or four children at a time.

Meg is a complete chatterbox at home but her key worker said at nursery she is now the same and will chatter all day long. She is no longer afraid to ask for things (eg a drink) and will also make decisions about what she wants to do rather than sitting by herself. Her key worker also said that one morning last week Meg was the only girl in nursery and she wasnt overwhelmed by this and quite happily played with the boys (who used to really frighten her)

She will be starting pre school september so once a week she will be going to the pre school room with her key worker for half an hour to get her used to the new environment. I am so happy for her and also the nursery have put so much hard work into her, im really pleased.

Last week she had to go to the doctors (another chest infection) and for the first time ever she let the doctor look in her throat and her ears and didnt seem overly fazed at all - i was so proud of her.

She seems to be coming out of her shell alot - she is slowly getting more confident and its making life so much easier!!

 

[DaisyBee]

Ginga - I'm so glad Megan is doing so well! That is great news about nursery and the dr!

We've been so busy it feels like. We were at my parents again last weekend for a long weekend. We had a bday party for Jordan and had Easter dinner with my family. We went to the town easter hunt which instead of looking for eggs they give everyone a number and you drive around and look for your number and that business has a whole Easter basket for you. Megans was in the first place we looked which was nice, and it was in an assisted living place. The whole main commons room had the baskets hidden. It was a large and quiet room, no one else was in there. It was perfect for Megan. She also saw the Easter bunny who gave her cheetos and she gave him a high 5. The cars driving on roads scare her if she isn't in the car so my mom carried her and megan loved that.

We colored Easter eggs with my parents and that really overstimulated Megan. She then was too wired after lunch for napping and then it was jordans bday party with cake and she was just really fun to deal with by that point. lol sunday she hunted for plastic Easter eggs with a jellybean each in them. She found them as soon as she had come up the stairs and I asked her to wait for grandma to wake up. So she picked up all the eggs in 10 seconds and put them all on a side table waiting for grandma in order to open them. Lol it's not what I meant... And realized we didn't hide them well enough at all. This weekend we are having the Easter bunny coming to our house and we will hide things better! We had told Megan that the Easter bunny was doing grandma a favor and coming early for a special egg hunt.

We've had a few playdates recently and also I had a 2 1/2 year old boy here yesterday all day for daycare even though Im not open but was doing a favor for a friend. Megan loves seeing all the kids, but she tends to get too excited. Hard time going to sleep those nights. She has been disappointed in that the other kids don't want to just run off and play with her, and also none have had half the imagination she does. One boy was even older than she was, but he was more interested in playing with his mom than Megan. Lol he did play with her, but not quite to the extent Megan wanted.

Noticed while reading Megan is noticing letters. Which is new for her. She has known her shapes and colors since before 2, but not much interest in letters and numbers. She counts but doesn't know all the numbers by sight. She will point to a D and say that is D for daddy and dog, etc now. We had gotten her some new books to open as presents when Jordan was getting bday presents. So Megan wouldn't feel left out and yet since they are books, not a big present. She has been loving dr suess and goes around the house repeated rhymes out of those books. She also is playing dr a lot recently. Quite obsessed. And playing with her dolls more than normal. And constant singing. Also likes to change words in songs. So twinkle twinkle little chicken, and then subs chicken in correctly through the whole song. She will change multiple words sometimes and I'm surprised she doesn't get her substitutions all mixed up. Lol she is using big words while she is talking. She talks about being disappointed, and having a diagnosis, examination, etc.

Jordan has been pulling to stand a lot now, rarely hands and knees crawling though. Still prefers her army crawling. She has been going through lots of separation anxiety and fine as long as I devote all attention to her. So days have been lots of whining it seems.

We've been trying to convince my dad to go on vacation with us, but not sure that he is up for it. We've also been trying to plan some long weekends away at the waterpark and zoo. Next week is my dads bday and we are trying to plan a party next weekend. My brother would like to do a family week in a cabin somewhere. Somehow there is just never enough time anymore.

Hope everyone is doing well.

 

[Tacey]

Great news on Megan, Ginga! She's coming on in leaps and bounds! Hopefully the transition to the preschool room goes smoothly.

Daisybee, it sounds like a lovely Easter. Megan seems to have made some big developmental leaps. Do you think that could be part of the overstimulation she was having recently? I bet she'll enjoy playing with older children, as they'll probably be more likely to join in her games better.

It's been quite up and down here. I had a very low patch before the weekend when Alice's behaviour was all over the place. Shrieking and laughing one minute, screaming in anger the next, then sobbing for long periods after that. I honestly had no idea how to help her, and at one point, I was crying along with her and Arthur. Thankfully, we stayed with my mum and dad over the weekend, and Alice asked to stay on a couple of nights while DH, Arthur and I went home. Just what everyone needed. She got their undivided attention, and I got a break and a couple of decent nights' sleep. Since she got back, things have been easier. She seems calmer, and the biggest thing is how affectionate she's being. In the past 2 days, I've had 3 kisses and she's even sat on my lap for a few minutes. A very big deal for her.

On Easter day, my grandparents, Aunt, cousin and her little boy (aged 2) came to my parents' for lunch. Alice shut herself in her room and said she'd only come out when 'all the people' left. I left her to it for a bit, then asked again. She said she'd come in but only if nobody looked at her. My grandmother is like a bull in a china shop and kept trying to get Alice to respond to her. In the end, in front of Alice, she said "What a funny child. I should take her back to the shop and get a better one." I had to try very hard to remind myself she's 83 and bite my tongue, but seriously, how could anyone say that?! Families eh?

 

[OmarsMum]

Ginga- Sounds great hun, Glad she's showing progress. Hope the transition goes well

Daisybee- Aw, sounds like a lovely Easter break, glad it went fine & you had fun. Well done for recognising letters!

Tacey- Omar used to shut himself out when we have visitors he's not familiar with, especially if they have kids. Dont let the comment bother you Glad you enjoyed the break.

We're ok, it's up & down for us. We have very good days, but when we stay at home I struggle sometimes. He's into everything & he doesnt accept no for an answer. He's spending good hours playing on his own, he's doing great at classes, he asks me to leave when I drop him. This week there was a summer camp so the classes had around 15 kids, he wasnt scared or bothered, he joined in & he did great. He's very social those days, he talks to people & he's very social.

I need your advise, it's not related to sensetivity, but as your kids are similar I guess you will understand more what I'm trying to say

Omar is so cute in public & he gets loads of attention.

Few days back I took him to the movies, I took him to buy popcorn, I told him that I'm buying the big one to share, but he told me "no mummy, buy the big one for you & the small one for me, I dont want to share", I tried to explain to him that we should share but he ignored me & he went on talking directly the girl selling popcorn, he told her that he doesnt want to share & if he can buy a popcorn for himself & one for mummy. The lady thought he was cute, so she gave us a big one & she filled a small bag for him for free.

At the movie, he was making loads of noise talking & laughing loudly, I asked him to stop, but he said no I want to talk, the lady sitting next to us was watching him & smiling then she started to talk to him instead of watching the movie. Again she wasnt bothered about the noise & she thought he was cute.

When we were done, we went out, there was a CInnabon shop, he was tired & he wanted to sit, so he told me that he wanted to drink orange juice, I told him that he doesnt drink juice, & this shop sells sweets, he said but I want sweets & orange juice. People thought I was a bad controlling mum who didnt want to buy juice & sweets for her kid there were no empty tables, a lady heard our conversation, she told us that she's leaving & we can have her table, then she asked the waitress to get him those small cinnabons. SHe wanted to pay but I told her no it's fine, I'll pay for it. He sat there & ate it! he deosnt even like sweets, it was the perfect way to embarrass mummy in public

Yesterday we went to a mall, he wanted to go up & down the elevator (the mall wasnt crowded & no one was using the elevator) , I told him it's not allowed, he went to the security guard & said "excuse me, can I go up & down the elevator?" , again the gaurd thought he was cute & said yes you can go for 2 times only.

When we went for dinner in a hotel, the place wasnt open yet for dinner, there was an artificial river with fish & turtles in it. He went to the waitress when we were waiting & said "Excuse me, can I hava a piece of bread to feed the fish", again she thought it was cute she told him she's not sure if it's allowed to feed the fish, then she went to the kitchen & got him a piece of bread. He also blew out all the candles around, & the waiter told him it's ok & he even started to light more candles for him to blow out.

I'm strict with him, but I kind of struggle in those situations in public. How do you handle similar situations in public? he's not naughty & he's well behaved.

If I say no to all this, I will get nasty looks from people as they think it's cute & he's only a toddler playing around, if they say it's ok & I say no it's not, he will get confused & end up crying. He's very smart, & he knows he gets attention in public, this is why he uses it.