Sensitive kids group

[Tacey]

I think a lot of those things you mention I'd probably be fine with. For example, the blowing out candles thing would be inconvenient for the waiter, but if he was fine with it, then that's ok. It's wonderful that he's so confident expressing himself to other people. If it's something you are really opposed to, I think you have to stick to it and just ignore any looks or comments from others (seriously, if you knew me in real life, you'd laugh at this. I'm the world's biggest people pleaser, but it's something I'm working on!). He's a bright boy, and will get the idea that sometimes things are ok, and sometimes they're not. There's a lot of talk these days about being consistent, but I think children can recognise that sometimes there are exceptions to rules. If you are enthusiastic with him, and join in the fun, you're a partner, rather than someone to outwit by getting others on side.


I have an issue that's sort of the flip side of this. If your child won't talk, how do you cope with it in public? I laugh it off at the moment, and say something like "not very chatty today!" or after a long pause answer for her. All these things are going in to her head, and reinforcing the behaviour, but I'm so stuck as to what else to do.

 

[DaisyBee]

Tacey - what a horrible thing to say! I don't know if I would have been able to bite my tongue! I've noticed when Megan is in a mood not to talk to family that she doesn't know well... They don't understand that at all. All kids have moments of not wanting to be talkative and moments of wanting their space. Making them feel bad about it isn't going to help the situation! Megan refused to talk to dh's grandma for a long time, we realized her age scared Megan a bit.

Omarsmum- my take on things in public... I've found that sometimes it's helpful to explain things to strangers. Like "we are trying to teach him how we act in a theater". I do pick my battles more in public and Megan knows it. But I've also found if I let her get away with things she knows she shouldn't do it just sets us back. So there are times I'll get weird looks from others but I figure it's part of the job as a mom. Lol our primary responsibility is our child. It's hard to deal with others not understanding our parenting, but really it's none of their business. Is some of your issue that he is talking to the other person vs asking you if he could do these things? If he gave you the opportunity to say yes/no first that would probably help. That may be what you want to talk to him about. But youll have to sometimes sAy yes or he will realize he never gets what he wants if he asks you first, lol.

Tacey - Megan flops back and forth between loving strangers and talking to them and not wanting to even have others look at her. As a child I was very shy with strangers. I remember blushing when others would talk to me. Yet at home I was very talkative. I really don't think pushing her will help. If in that mood where Megan doesn't want to talk pushing her before she is ready makes it worse and then she melts down. Sometimes I can act like the go between person and even come up with things I know Megan likes to talk about and say you could tell so and so about school or what the Easter bunny brought you, etc. I've also found that in those moods Megan does best when she feels more secure. If I hold her she does better than if she is walking. If the person gets on her level she actually feels worse as I think she feels like they are invading her space, as they usually get too close. She usually has the issues when she is feeling overwhelmed already.

 

[OmarsMum]

Tacey- I act playful & I join in, we even run & pretend that someone is following us when we do something "naughty". Like I didn't mind going up & down the elevator as it was empty, but in another mall where it's crowded I was able to convince him to switch to the escalator instead looool.

I don't mind when he asks strangers, it's good for building his confidence. But again there are things off limits & I struggle to deal with it when strangers are approving it. He asks me 1st when I say that the waitress, guard, etc will say no he goes & asks them. Most of the time I end up whispering to the person in charge to say no.

As for not talking with strangers, Omar is moody. Some days he doesn't answer. I just tell them he's not in a good mood & smile. I think all toddlers go through grumpy or shy moods.

Daisybee- agree with you, but some days I try to limit crying & public meltdowns. They are so annoying. I can distract him most of the time but other days I don't have the energy

 

[DaisyBee]

Yes I meant if he asks you first for permission, and then when you say yes he can ask the other person. I've found strangers are always eager to please the kids in the moment and don't seem to think about consequences or what it's teaching the kids. Some things are totally harmless and no issue.

I wouldn't let a stranger pay for food for my kids - if it was a friend then it would be ackward but I would allow it. Its funny he ate it! Lol My issue is people giving my kids candy, chocolate, anything with sugar. Megan doesn't handle those things well at all and it's not about limiting junk food, it really does affect her. Behavior and sleep wise. And yet they are so assumed to be normal for all kids to have. Sometimes acquantances have shown the treat and then I feel like it's my fault for being the bad guy and I can't say no as it's dangling it in front of her and then it would almost be unfair for me to say no. Sometimes I say we will save it for after lunch or something. At the library they give out suckers after every story time well for a while Megan then would ask them for a sucker every time we were there, not just for story time. They would either give her one or look to me and ask. Well she doesn't need to think every time she gets books she gets a sucker iykwim. So I then said no. She cried and had a total fit, but we left and she screamed the whole way home. The next times at the library she asked once but when I said no she didn't push it. And now doesn't ask at all.

I've found with Megan if I never hold my ground in public then she knows all she needs to do is throw a fit and cry and she will get what she wants. She behaves better for me if Ive held my ground more. She ends up testing her boundaries less. Then we are able to compromise. If she is close to meltdown I will never win as no matter what she will end up in tears. As even if she gets what she wants, something won't go the way she wants it to or she will get frustrated with something and cry anyway. Lol

 

[LaughOutLoud]

Hi girls, I hadnt realised you were posting here, had gone quite.

I just did a long post and lost it all thanks to my laptop playing up

 

[LaughOutLoud]

I havent managed to read all the posts so will just jump in....we were at a wedding recently and my child was already excited but all she did there was play and run around. I could see her but she hardly came to me she was so excited. She is fine with adults and older children but she loves adults and the intercation with them. Before we got inside the venue she went off to hold my aunts hand (she knew it was her granny). I felt redundane because I walked in without her and I was trying to get her back but she was happy greeting everyone. I do pick my battles when we are out but she knows she can get away with alot from her dad so will run off to him when im trying to deal with her. We dont parent the same unfortunately but like you OM i also play with my child when we are out. I must admit though I am a big kid but I couldnt care if it meant making my daughter happy and tbh she usually does want me with her playing.

Tacey - if my LO doesnt want to talk id just say something like 'oh we dont feel like talking today do?' and just let LO be. Its never happened to me but wouldnt be nice for LO to expect to reply at this age if they are tired for eg. Also, if LO is really insistent on doing something I dont want her to do then I do talk with my stern voice but generally I feel I am very controlling anyway and may be I need to let go. My daughter is full of energy and spark so its hard for me to let go because Im scared she'll get hurt. Its not like she climbs things or jumps off but is always just on the go and the one thing that really irritates me is when adults bump into smaller people...cant they watch where they are going?

Daisybee - well done for holding your grounds - consistency is always the way. Now if I was in that situation, it would work the same way whereas if DH was there, he would give in so my daughter would go straight to him. I need to work on this but cant see any options as we parent different.

 

[Tacey]

Daisybee, I think you're right about not pushing her to talk. It's a fine line getting the balance between making her comfortable, and encouraging her to talk.

I think the thing I worry about is that this is not a phase. She never talks to people outside of a very select group. She doesn't look shy, she looks angry. She scowls as soon as anyone tries to interact. If a child speaks to her, she avoids eye contact and freezes. I'm fairly experienced with littlies thanks to my old job, but she acts differently to most children I've come across in this respect.

LOL, I like the "don't feel like talking today" idea, as it emphasises that it's just a temporary thing. Alice often tells me "I don't talk to people" (or more often just "I don't like people" ) and I think it's fixed in her head that as that's the way things are, that's the way they'll always be. Explaining that things change over time is helpful for her.

I've started doing role play with her, and it's been a pretty miraculous change! She was given £10 for Easter, and I suggested she choose and buy things herself with it. We role played shops in the morning. I used the same phrases over and over throughout it. When we got to the shop, she took a toy to the counter, and clearly said "How much is it please?" She couldn't reply when the lady asked her questions about the toy, because they were off script' but hopefully that will come in time.

We did the same thing before the health visitor came to see Arthur yesterday. We talked about what the hv might say, and what Alice could say back. She said hello, and cheerio. Massive improvement! She's clearly really proud of herself too, so hopefully we can build on it.

We've had some very lengthy meltdowns and the screaming at night is back with a vengeance, but I think that's because there's a lot going on in her head lately. Her handwriting and reading is improving a lot. She read breakfast, tomato, bread etc. on a menu yesterday without prompting, which seemed to come out of nowhere, so I think she's having some sort of developmental leap. She's hard work, but we're actually getting on much better.

Hope others are having good weeks too!

 

[Quartz]

Sorry we have been very busy over Easter and have only managed to skim read!

Tacey - we found that role playing is so useful for us. We tend to role play important stuff so that she knows what to expect in situations. We spent months last year role playing preschool with her cuddly toys. Once she settled into it she actually told me she no longer needed to do it as she was happy at school. Now we are in the build up to big school we are role playing that again.

Samy is interesting with interacting with adults. She will happily talk to them if she starts it (often commenting on hair colour, clothes etc) but wont respond if they talk first - I find I often repeat the question and I am trying to stop that.

Reading is coming on although she sometimes hides how much she can read. Socially we are getting there and she is making friends. Interestingly I think sometimes she finds children in her class her own age dont know as much as her (I hope that does not sound boastful). We went on a playdate on Monday with two of her school friends (one just 4 and one just about to be 4) and one of their sisters who has just turned 6 and she loved the 6 year old and could interact with her much better. We saw them again today at swimming and the 6 year old was very pleased to see her too. I wonder if maybe intellectually that is the level she feels she is at.

One thing I have noticed though is how much more sociable charlie is compared with Samy/ Friends will ask for cuddles and its on the tip of my tongue to say no its ok (Samy always use to cry) before I remember he loves it and smiles at people.

 

[Tacey]

Quartz, I've found the same with older children. My friends' children who we see most often are younger than Alice, and I've realised that's actually quite frustrating. I'm trying to shift the balance so she meets older children more often.

I know what you mean about automatically thinking your younger one won't want cuddles etc before realising they're ok. We had a family party today, and Arthur was in his element!

Do you know which school Samy is going to yet? Is she excited about it?


The miraculous transformation continues in our house. She went to the dance class again, and loved it. We then went for tea and cake at a cafe, and totally unprompted, she started talking to the waitress! She struggled a bit when she was asked questions, but answered audibly. The odd thing was, after the waitress left, Alice clamped her hand over her mouth and wriggled in her seat. She spoke to two people when we were there and even ordered her own cake. After we got outside, she then did a short yell - no words, just noise. I didn't comment. I don't know if I'm trying to connect too much, but when I do something that challenges my anxiety, such as answering a phone call, after it's over I get a rush of adrenalin, and feel antsy, and if I'm on my own I might shake my hands and feet or make a loud shushing noise... I realise this makes me sound like a total loon! I do wonder if Alice is experiencing something similar though.

The brilliant thing is she has so much 'evidence' that she can do it now. If she says "I'm not talky" I can refer her back to those times when she was. We had a family party today, and she was amazing. I guess she came across as a typically 'shy' child, but there was no odd behaviour (or no more odd than most 3 year olds!). She had a bit of an incident with her cousin, but after I took her out, she was able to get back on track.

I am learning that she never does things gradually. Change for her always seems to be dramatic. I hope this one is here to stay.

 

[DaisyBee]

Tacey - yay! What progress! Do you think it was the role playing? Is she sleeping better? Maybe she has been going through one big long growth spurt and come out the other side!?

Megan has had a really good week. We think she really is ready to give up the nap this time. Most nights has slept really good. Last night she woke at 2:45 though and never went back to sleep. I got her up for the day and she was crying so brought her into our bed then and she eventually fell asleep. Normally she doesn't sleep well in our bed so I don't try it usually until last resort, but maybe I should revisit that if she wakes.

We've realized we've been at my parents house too much. Its starting to affect all of us. We think we are going to need to spend more time just with the girls. We've wanted to go to the zoo and haven't yet, we were wanting to go on a mini vacation to the waterpark. I think we are going to need to spend some weekends doing things like that.

 

[OmarsMum]

Hi ladies

Small update- Omar ate eggs he didn't touch it for the past 1.5 yrs. he also managed to drink out of a straw & now he loves milkshakes & smoothies

Other than bad sleep, he's doing great!

We're traveling to Thailand on April 29th

 

[polaris]

Yay, that's brilliant that Omar ate eggs and is generally doing well! How long will you be in Thailand, is it for a holiday?

Tacey, it sounds like Alice is really making huge progress, I'm so pleased for you and for her. Thomas has made a similar change socially recently, he has just become so much more willing to talk to people and even to play with other children or at least alongside them. We still have days when he's not willing to do any of that. But it's definitely changing. I feel now that he will be ready for pre-school in September whereas that had been a big worry for me.

Everything is OK here but we have gone back to napping. After a great start for the first couple of days, Thomas gradually became really over-tired again and it was affecting his night time sleep. I think part of it was that I couldn't get him to bed early enough in the evenings because of dealing with Clara. He was also falling asleep every time we were in the car and just generally cranky and irritable. I thought he might be OK with a nap every three or four days but I actually think now that he still needs the nap most days but would be OK skipping it maybe a couple of times a week. Limiting the nap to an hour wasn't helping because it was just too difficult to wake him up so I am limiting the nap to 1.5 hours and letting him have a later bedtime if he has napped. He has had a nap the last two days and he's so much easier to manage and his behaviour in general is so much better when he has napped. So although I would really love to have him in bed early and have my evenings back, I have reluctantly accepted that he still needs the nap at the moment.

 

[Jchihuahua]

Hi Ladies,

Great to read all the progress our little ones are making!

Daisy is continuing to do great. We had a parents evening and report from pre-school just before easter and the whole thing was so positive. They are pleased with her in every area and say she is a happy, friendly and animated little girl who is a pleasure to have there and is always making them laugh. Pre-school has been the making of Daisy definitely! She also goes to ballet and tap lessons which she absolutely loves. The group is pretty formal and I am amazed at how well she copes with that and how good her listening skills are. I could never imagine her conforming in a situation like that not so long ago. Sleeping and eating are still MAJOR issues for her but her behaviour is amazing compared to this time 6 months ago!

Tommy is walking confidently and talking so much and is a proper toddler now!

 

[DaisyBee]

Hi everyone. We just got back today from a trip to the waterpark. We needed a break from things. Megan was very overwhelmed by things - a theme park area with a ferris wheel, carousel, mini golf, but mostly lots of loud and bright machines was the worst. It was 2 stories in one and very loud and echoed. The neon was enough to give anyone a seizure. Well dh took Megan one morning while jordan was napping in the room with me. By the time Jordan and I showed up Megan was a melting down mess. Dh says well she was ok til I showed up... Lol like it was my fault? overall Megan had fun, just a lot for her to take in. She doesn't like watersides as she was afraid of getting her face wet. We asked her favorite thing in the trip - and she said the picnic on the floor. Last night everyone was tired and they didn't have a place in our room for Jordan to eat without us just holding her on our lap, I suggested laying a blanket on the floor and having a picnic. It was a huge mess with BBQ food and dh was annoyed and wishing we would have eaten out so Jordan could have been in a highchair. Lol and his expression when he heard today that it was megans favorite part. Made him realize more about things than when I showed him how easily the mess from dinner was cleaned up ( a washrag and shaking the hotel blanket out on the balcony).

Megan is loving her class and has been crying when it's time to leave. It's made us question whether 2 mornings was really the right decision for next fall. She absolutely loves everything about the class which they have set up very similar to how preschool is. It's in the room next to where this class is run.

Jordan is pulling up on everything and anything and just starting to cruise a bit. She is much easier going than Megan. She spent the week flirting with every waitress and lifeguard. Her goal was to get everyone she saw to smile at her, and she rewarded them with the biggest smile.


Megan is back to napping sometimes as well. I'm waking her though if she does nap. Jordan didnt nap at all in the car on the way even though it was during pm nap. But today coming home she was so exhausted she fell asleep for a late morning nap.

I've decided I am going to find a babysitter for this summer so I can take Megan to swimming lessons ( the parent gets in the water) and to some morning classes and Jordan can stay home and nap. Its finally going to be good weather tomorrow. We had snow earlier this week! Its been a horrible spring here. Hasn't felt like spring yet.

 

[Tacey]

I think the role playing helped give Alice the kick start, but mainly I think there was some major rewiring going on in her brain. The progress has continued. Just in time actually, as she's going to be a bridesmaid next month, and I was wondering how she'd manage the attention! Another lovely development was that Alice spoke to a girl at dance class, and waved at another one. I think it helps that they are older than her. I'm going to try and get her involved in more of the home ed group activities going on as I think she's ready for it now.

Good news that Omar is doing well. Hope you have an amazing time in Thailand!

Polaris, the nap transition is so difficult. It seems like such a big overlap when they are nearly ready to stop but not quite. I find it threw all our routines out the window for a while. I'm starting again with Arthur as he seems to be dropping his second nap already . I hope he's ready to drop it soon, and that you get evenings to yourself again!

Brilliant news JC! It sounds like Daisy has been coming on in leaps and bounds.

I think I'd be overwhelmed at the waterpark too Daisybee! I'm so glad you managed to get a break. Do you think it's helped?
Will you have an opportunity to increase Megan's hours at preschool if you think it would suit her? The babysitter sounds like a great idea. I've been pondering swimming. Alice hasn't been in a pool for over a year (and she spent almost all the time on the side crying...) but I'd like her to be able to swim. I'm thinking of taking her at the weekends. Hooray for good weather! I thought it was finally looking like Spring here, but we had a huge hailstorm yesterday. Can't wait for warm days in the park!

 

[DaisyBee]

If we wanted to switch to 3 days a week I would have to try to do it right now... If they still have space available in that class. Yesterday Megan was so tired out she slept in the lazy boy chair in the living room til 11am I brought her out of her room, trying everything to get her to wake up as was hoping she would nap. Nothing I did could wake her up she was so tired. So my light sleeper girl slept through dishes, cleaning, phones ringing, me talking on the phone, etc. Its an open floor plan so everything I did was in the same room as she was... And she stayed asleep. At 4 pm was asking for a nap which is not like her at all! We pushed through til bedtime.

I looked into lessons and im not impressed with what they are offering the little kids. Our town just built a new outdoor aquatic center and it will be done by beginning of June. Maybe I will look into private lessons. As she really isn't ready to learn to swim, she has to get used to water on her face first.

Megan has a new fear, flies. 2 came in our house yesterday while we were going in and out ( since it's so nice out!!!) and she was freaking out. Terrified that they were going to "pinch her and pinch her eyes!!" it's going to be a long summer if this continues.

 

[Cleo]

Hi girls.:wave: OmarsMum and Polaris invited me to join your group after reading my post:
Delicate/Sensitive 3 years old

It describes F pretty well, my sweet, amazing and oh so delicate guy! I hope you don't mind if I join you? I've been on bnb for awhile so I recognize most of you, but I'm only an occasional poster so you may not know me. (I don't change my avatar in hopes that I'll be easier to recognize with the ducks!) I could use some advice, or just a bit of understanding really, with F as he's going through the argumentative three year old phase and he kind of needs to be handled with kid gloves.

I've been reading through your thread a bit, mostly the beginning where you all describe your kids, and I can definitely see some similarities although I didn't score very high on the quiz at the beginning. F only scored 6 of those, so perhaps sensitive but not highly sensitive? I think it's the way he reacts to things and his neediness which make him seem this way. I think I'd like to check out the book you recommend, to see if it offers advice on how to approach discipline.

Thanks ladies. I appreciate any input or friendly ears.

 

[Tacey]

Hello!

Lovely to have you here - it's been a bit quiet of late, but it's such a helpful group.

I can definitely empathise with the handling with kid gloves comment! The past year was undoubtedly the hardest for us. In the past month or so, we have seen a big change. Although we did a few things, I think the main improvement resulted from her just maturing and coping better. I think it's easy to blame yourself, or question how to change them, but I'm convinced it's more to do with nature rather than nurture. I wonder if it's especially hard for boys, with many societies' expectations on them to be tough and active and not 'over' emotional. It's clear from your post that you know he's amazing, and that the sensitivity he has is likely to be a great strength as he matures. I think we all value men who are emotionally literate! It's not always easy parenting a sensitive child, but the rewards are high!

 

[polaris]

Hi Cleo, welcome!
I just wrote a long reply on the other thread so I won't repeat myself. I really enjoyed the Highly Sensitive Child book just to give me more of an understanding of Thomas's temperament. I'm surprised your LO only scored 6 on the quiz to be honest because he definitely sounds sensitive from your description.
I find the girls on this thread always give great advice, so if there are specific things that you are struggling with do feel free to ask and I'm sure that people will have useful suggestions or at least an understanding ear!

 

[Cleo]

Tacey - thank you. I read your post going yes,..yes,...yes! I agree with everything! I think maturity will play such a big part. I'm sure so much of it is nature, as neither DH nor I are shy (although DH may have been as a child, but he's no where near now!) and we try to encourage F's involvement so much. I was about to write that I don't think I blame myself, but then I remembered I cried last week to DH bc F wouldn't even go on the teeter totter with a little girl at the playground and I thought maybe I didn't take him out enough when he was younger. So I guess I do sometimes blame myself.

Polaris - I know, only a 6 is weird hey? He fit for complaining about clothing and labels, learning better from a gentle correction, hard to get to sleep after an exciting day, not doing well with big changes, wanting to change clothes if wet or sandy, and performing best when strangers aren't present.

I don't really find him intuitive, or mature for his age, he doesn't use big words, I don't think he notices distress of others...truthfully I just think he's a different kind of sensitive? He's the kind of sensitive that others would call wussy... Or perhaps I just haven't come to terms with a few things or haven't really seen them in full force? My judgement of some of the answers may be a bit skewed?