Sensitive kids group

[hattiehippo]

Hope you feel better soon Omarsmum xx

Feel bad for all that ranting!

DaisyBee - just noticed your post from about 10 days ago about Megan being very sensitive to sugar ups and downs. Tom's tantrums are def being triggered by hunger or discomfort/pain. Within 5 mins of starting eating he's suddenly a different child or if he needs to wee/poo. The problem is that he will not admit that he needs these things once he's in a state and a couple of times I've basically had to stuff food in his mouth to get him to recognise he's hungry. Tom also like Megan just gets into a loop where everything single thing is wrong. Something little will trigger him - he only wants to wash his hands with cold water at the mo so public toilets with hot water caused a mega meltdown - but once he's going nothing will fix it or stop the tantrum until he is ready which is usually 30-45 mins. If you do manage to sort out the original problem he then moves onto something else because he just can't stop it. I've given up with timeout mostly because he gets hysterical and it's takes up to an hour to calm him down. But I also honestly don't believe he can control this behaviour yet - he literally gets stuck in the moment he lost his temper and discipline is pointless because he isn't in conscious control of himself to respond to it.

 

[cutie4evr01]

Hattiehippo I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough day. What you've just said about Tom getting so worked up for 30-45 minutes, even if the trigger was something small, and that he's not really in control of it yet, that sounds EXACTLY like Christina was probably a year ago or so. Since then she has gotten so much better at managing her emotions, and the meltdowns got shorter and shorter to the point where now she normally can manage to calm herself down in just a few minutes. I agree completely that during those times discipline is not effective, and I never felt it was right to punish her for her emotions because I believe they were out of her control, i.e. I would discipline her for her actions, such as not listening, pushing her sister, etc., but I would never discipline her for having a meltdown (I also don't give in to whatever she is having a meltdown over). During that time, a timeout for something minor would lead to hysterical meltdown that took 30 minutes to calm down from, so I'm not sure anything was actually learned from the timeout. Now that she can manage her emotions, timeout is much more effective for us.

I know you didn't ask this, but we spent a good deal of time trying to teach her methods to calm herself down. She has a couple of chew toys she bites on when she's getting sad/upset, she knows how to take deep breaths, and she knows she can squeeze or punch a pillow if she's mad. She knows it's ok to feel a knot in her tummy (anxiety) or for her heart to be beating quickly. We try to help her articulate what she's feeling. Of course it's important to talk about these things when she's calm, because any sort of conversation in the midst of a meltdown is futile.

Anyway, I just wanted to reassure you that we have been where you are and Christina has managed to grow out of the worst of it, so I have faith that Tom will too in time. I believe it has something to do with the physical connections in the brain that just haven't developed yet.

 

[hattiehippo]

Thanks so much Cutie for the reassurance...hopefully his brain connections are getting there!

He had been better recently and he is nowhere near as bad as a year ago when he was in meltdown for up to 5 hours a day some days. But I had hoped we'd turned a corner and then the last 2 weeks have been back to step 1 again. He's been volatile and difficult to handle since 13 months with better phases but tbh after over 2 1/2 yrs of it somedays I'm exhausted.

But I do think I need to focus on strengths as well. He is very clever and thoughtful, remembers absolutely everything he hears or sees, gives loads of kisses and cuddles and is such a lovely person outside of his mega temper.

 

[Jchihuahua]

Hattie, we are having a parallel life! I am really hoping this is a developmental phase. Like Tom Daisy is nowhere near as bad as she was a year ago but exactly as you said I thought we had turned a corner with Daisy as she has been so well behaved and we didn't have to give her behaviour a second thought in public for months and now suddenly here we are dealing with public meltdowns on a daily basis, aggression, rudeness, tears and screaming for pretty much no reason. I am struggling to keep my cool with her to be honest .

It is harder because Tommy is just such a delight and he is coming on in leaps and bounds with his speech and he's developing a real cheeky sense of humour and his own personality is starting to shine through more every day and we have to be so careful not to say how clever/funny/ cute Tommy is as it is making Daisy really jealous of him.

 

[OmarsMum]

I sent Omar to my mum's place today as I couldn't take it anymore

He was driving me insane with ongoing whining & screaming, he refused to touch his food, he wanted me to feed him but I said no, he screamed & pushed away his food. When he we t or my mum's he ate 2 plates on his own without making a fuss about it!!

When we went to pick him up he started to act up again! He was fine when we weren't there but once he saw us he started to act in a naughty way, at home he was so whiney, he didn't want to wash his hands after he used the toilet, I was too tired to argue, so I have him wipes, he refused to wipe his hands & started to scream wanting to wash his hands, at that point I couldn't take it anymore & I shouted at him! He got scared & asked me to stop while giving me hugs, he wiped his hands & sat on the floor to get dressed on his own.

I'm trying to he nice & gentle but it seems that he doesn't listen unless I scream at him

 

[hattiehippo]

God it's hard isn't it!

I feel like Tom just doesn't listen most of time until I get angry and i hate being cross with him all the damn time. Yesterday he spent all day playing with his 7 yr old cousin who is as difficult and stubborn as him - we joke they are the same person in boy and girl form! But not a single meltdown cos he disappeared off with her and did pretty much whatever he wanted all day. She has cerebral palsy and a mild developmental delay so plays more at a 5 yr level which means they spend all day playing mummies and daddies happily.

He's at nursery today so he'll have a good day with his friends and hopefully be a bit happier again.

JChihuahua it must be so hard when Tommy is being so lovely and Daisy so difficult. It sounds like you're doing a great job of trying not to let her get jealous or cast as the 'difficult one'.

 

[OmarsMum]

Omar loves his 7 yrs old cousin, they have very similar personality, both are whiners

Last week when he visited us, they had a very good time, Omar is much better around older kids.

I think the kids are a bit bored? I'm not sure. Omar is much better outside the house, he doesn't throw tantrums when we're out unless he's tired or hungry, I make sure to have someone with us, he asks for friends those days, he loves to play with other kids. We're done with classes & we're not planning to go back as I think it would be overwhelming with school starting after few days.

 

[hattiehippo]

Feeling very sad tonight and need to get it out.

My good friend came over with her boy who's the same age as Tom. It was her house where he had the mega meltdown and threw things last week. We've been friends since they were 9 weeks old and stayed together through her LO screaming constantly till he was about 9 months old and then Tom kicking off from not much afterwards. She's seen some of his worse meltdowns and still been there...I thought she understood that, that's just Tom and nothing I do really helps when he's struggling. Not that I don't try, I do but its like trying to stop a flood when he's totally out of control.

Today she arrived and straight away said to Tom that he had to behave nicely and not scream and shout like last week or they would have to leave. I get that her son was not very happy after Tom was so bad last week but he's no angel either and often has a strop or kicks off whilst we're over. Then she starts asking me why do I think he's so good at nursery but thinks he can get away with it at home - 'we don't always give into him do we?'

It just makes me so sad because I thought she knew how hard he can be and how his behaviour is related to getting overstimulated and that neither me or him or anyone can control his meltdowns. When he goes into one I am pretty much powerless to do anything but keep him out of danger and or stop him hurting himself by running into a road etc. Of course we don't give into him but I can't spend my whole life fighting with him and I do want a loving close relationship with him however hard this is sometimes. And yes he does behave well at nursery but the fallout at home is horrible if he's had a bad day - like lots of kids, he keeps it in and then lets it all out where its safe.

Just feel very alone at the mo.

 

[polaris]

Hattiehippo
I'm so sorry that your friend has made you feel this way by her comments. To be honest I think she is overstepping the line.

Personally I think it is a really good thing that Tom is able to manage his behaviour and emotions while at nursery. It is a really useful life skill to be able to do this. But as you say, of course he will let it all out when he's at home and he feels safe. It's not just kids who do this - I would be tempted to ask your friend if she's never had a tough day at work and come home and snapped at her husband.

 

[Jchihuahua]

I don't blame you for feeling sad about that. It must be hard to think your friend really understood Tom and then it suddenly seems that she doesn't. It is a shame she bought up his behaviour on the previous occasion as that should have been forgotten and it isn't fair on you or Tom to do that.

I had similar issues last year when friends would comment on Daisy's tantrums and ask if we let her just get away with it. They were so far from the truth and it is hurtful when people question our parenting. I know for me (and perhaps you get this too) it is doubly hard because friends know I am a teacher and seem to assume I should be some expert with my own kids.

Are you finding Tom needs more sleep at the moment? Daisy has gone back to needing a short nap in the afternoons and it is over a year since she had naps. We had quite a good day today but yesterday was one long tantrum from 5:45am until bedtime .

 

[hattiehippo]

Thanks Polaris and JChihuahua, I'm glad you don't think it's just me being over sensitive.

I think it's just she's being much more hard line with her son's behaviour and he does respond to this approach but I thought she'd understood from seeing what happens with Tom that this approach just doesn't work well with him. What he really needs is support to learn to control his temper and recognise when he is overstimulated not being shut in his room constantly or shouted at. But clearly she is thinking we indulge him and let him 'get away' with behaviour we should clamp down on

Tom is very tired at the mo and I don't think it's helping. But then he spends t least 3 hours a day at the mo screaming and shouting and that's got to be exhausting for him (and us!). He's not napping again but is totally sparked out for 10-11 hours a night.

 

[hattiehippo]

I don't want to jinx anything BUT we have had a meltdown free weekend.

Tom's been very whingy when tired and was very bad on Friday with 3 mega tantrums but nothing all weekend. He's generally done what he's been asked to, backed down most of the time and for the 1st time since at least mid July has actually been happy most of the time

He walked yesterday when we were out at a county park with minimal complaining, he's been using please and thank you, he played on his own for nearly 30 mins today....but best of all no screaming!

Please don't let it be a blip, I've enjoyed having an 'easier' child for 2 days

 

[DaisyBee]

Im sorry everyone I've been crap lately at keeping up but wanted you all to know how much I am here for you and to support you. I think we are all having some difficult times.. Not all at the same time but because our kids are not easy kids I think we are all going to have a tougher time parenting than some others with kids not so sensitive. I had time only to skim the past few pages and tomorrow is a holiday so won't be on tomorrow at all either. Hattie - your friend sounds exactly like everyone I know who has no idea what it's like to have a sensitive child. Overstimulation isn't a word in everyone's vocabulary. And it's hard. So hard. I hate that not everyone gets it. I can't even get family members to understand

Megan starts preschool a week from tuesday. I am so hoping to have her in a decent schedule by then, now my dad thinks he would like to come visit us this Thursday and Friday. Im very surprised frankly that he feels up to it. It's 2 1/2 hr drive each way! I'm so worried that it's going to throw Megan all off and there is no way she will be recovered by Tuesday, and yet don't feel like I can tell my dad no. We just got back from a trip to see them tonight and I'm exhausted like usual. I feel like the weight of the world is on me sometimes and I've turned into a major witch and grump. My poor husband. I've not had any sense of humor at all recently and I cant figure out how to lighten up. I've just been so emotional and tired and I've realized that I'm having a hard time grieving when I have no time away from the kids. Im always so busy being mom that it's hard processing what's going on fully with my dad and then it comes out in spurts. I'm basically a mess.

 

[hattiehippo]

Lots and lots of Daisybee. It's just really hard to cope with everything sometimes. You really sound like you need a bit of time to yourself even just an hour or so

It's really hard when family and friends just don't get it. My family are great because my brother was the same with tantrums etc but with the added difficulty of a severe speech delay till he was nearly 7. My brother's daughter also has the nasty temper, volatility and sensitivity so they all know it's not bad parenting or indulgence that causes the meltdowns.

My in laws on the other hand are totally useless and actually hid behind menus in a restaurant last year to avoid dealing with Tom in total meltdown. They probably couldn't of helped much but they could have at least tried!

Anyway lots of . I really hope Megan is ok with starting preschool. Tom has just gone to the preschool room at his nursery today. I was expecting screaming etc but with a bit of persuasion he was ok.

 

[Jchihuahua]

Daisybee. It sounds like it is a really tough time and you have a lot to cope with so I am not surprised you are feeling the stress. I agree with hattie, you need to try and get a bit of time for yourself. Easier said than done though. I hope Megan enjoys pre-school and settles quickly.

Hattie: I'm glad Tom had a good weekend. Has today continued to be a good day for him?

We also had a pretty good weekend with Daisy. She had a tantrum this morning though because we wouldn't let her get up at 4:30am. She wouldn't stay in her room or come in our bed or let one of us get in her with her, she was adamant she was getting up and tantrummed for ages. Poor Tommy got woken up and none of us got anymore sleep after Daisy's screaming. It was my first day back at work today after the 6 week break too so I could have done without that early start .

Her day improved though and she was SO excited to be back at pre-school after the summer break. She ran straight in and was showing her key worker her new shoes and tights and ran off to play without giving my hubby a second look! She got stung by nettles so cried at pre-school for a while apparently (she doesn't cope well when she has been hurt and can tend to go over the top a bit) but the staff said other than that she has been so smiley and happy and enthusiastic to be back!

Polaris: Was it Tom's first day today? If so how was it?

 

[polaris]

Daisybee I really feel for you at the moment trying to cope with your dad's illness on top of everything else. It is so hard when you don't have time to yourself away from the kids and especially in your situation at the moment. It sounds like you need to prioritize your own needs though at the moment, you sound quite burnt out and run down with everything, not surprising given how much you have going on. I don't know exactly what that would involve for you, but I think it requires changing your focus occasionally and thinking about what YOU need with the same level of consideration and creativity that you show in making sure that your girls' needs are met. I hope Megan gets on well in preschool and that it is actually a breather for you. Would there be any chance of getting somebody to mind Jordan for maybe one of the mornings that Megan is in preschool?

Thomas had his first day at preschool today and it went well. His teacher said that he got on well and was very chatty! He was full of chat when I collected him, mainly he was very impressed that they have a large collection of sea creature toys including a squid (which is his latest obsession). He said that he didn't like the "silly songs and silly dances" but it wasn't a big deal. He seemed to like the teachers. I really hope the rest of the week goes well! I am only going to send him three to four days per week until Christmas and then four days after that when I am back in work. I had been worried about whether the preschool would be OK with that but I said it to the teacher today and she was fine with it. So that was a huge relief to be honest. I just hated the thoughts of sending him five mornings!

 

[hattiehippo]

I'm glad Thomas's first day went well...fingers crossed for the rest of the week Polaris.

And I hope Daisy was better today for you JChichuahua. 4.30 is not good be especially not when you've got to go to work.

Tom was good yesterday and until this evening coping well with moving to the proper preschool at his nursery. Tonight he was shattered and had a mega meltdown with 45 mins of solid screaming in his bedroom before he backed down and accepted it was bedtime.

2 steps forward and then 1 back again I think!

 

[polaris]

Today was pretty tough for us too. I think he is just a bit overwhelmed with starting preschool. When I arrived to collect him, his teacher said cheerfully that "he's just sitting there in a daydream", he was just sitting staring blankly into space, he had just shut down from overstimulation I guess. Which is fine, it's a coping mechanism for him. So we went outside and he was going sort of blindly to all the buggies looking for our buggy, but I had left Clara at home with OH having her lunch, Thomas was upset because he wanted to go on the buggy board instead of walk home. I think it just triggered something in him and he was absolutely bawling crying for the next ten minutes or so, not a tantrum, just literally sobbing, I just sat and hugged him on the street.

All week he has been wanting to play this role playing game where he pretends to be a snake and I have to pretend to be out walking in the jungle and I meet the snake and I have to pretend to be scared at first but then it turns out that he is a friendly snake. Over and over and over again. But today when he was playing the game, he told me that he was a scary snake and that all the snakes in this jungle are scary. I think it's just tough on him to find how he fits in with the other children, he really doesn't know how to play with other children yet. I guess that is what I hope he will get from preschool.

His mood was very up and down all day and he was quite clingy and found it very difficult to get to sleep both for his nap and at bedtime, despite looking absolutely exhausted.

I'm so glad that he will have a day off on Thursday, I think he will need it. I know he needs to go through this but it's just tough on him I think.

Omarsmum, did Omar start yet?

 

[OmarsMum]

Hi Polaris

How's Thomas doing? I just saw your post in the other thread so I thought it would be better to update here.

Omar will start tomorrow , I have a lot going on, will update & comment on posts once we're back from school. Wish us good luck xx

 

[polaris]

Good luck tomorrow Omar!! I really hope it goes well.

Thomas is doing well. He did four days last week and I am only sending him three days this week. I think I might only send him three days until Christmas and then four days after that. Does that sound reasonable?

He seems to enjoy it and talks about it quite a lot, he has been teaching me all the new songs that he is learning! He doesn't really mention the other kids much but I was expecting that at this stage. He likes the teachers so that is really the main thing I think.