September loss thread, TTC our rainbow babies

[StillPraying]

The closer I get to Feb the harder it is for me.

well off to the gym because I need something else to obsess over!

 

[HelenJane]

Ive been thinking a lot about February too. It will be here before you know it. I am not looking forward to that day at all. My girl, Alice we called her...not sure if I mentioned that was due on 9th February.
Yes i am trying not to think about the dates and things! Im just so sad. I want another baby of course but I wanted MY Alice. I hope if I do get pregnant that i don't feel like I am replacing her.
No way can she be replaced but I just don't know how I will feel. Any advice?
I will be thinking of you in Feb too StillPraying and your baby Luke

 

[StillPraying]

I've worried about that too, but honestly I don't think it will feel that way. Every baby is different. So I think you bond with them differently.

Helen I was due Feb 7th

 

[Myshelsong]

Omg I had a sad day today out of the blue after going shopping.I was thinking of how pregnant I was suppose to be, and how only a few months ago I was like "wow this is one of the last times I will be shopping without an infant" and bam the waterworks ..... we were due Jan 31.
I hate this. Hope we all get our rainbows soon.

 

[HelenJane]

God me too. What makes it worse is that i wrote on my calender every week untill the end of the year how far along i would be so every week i am reminded
Mind you, i would remind myself anyway when something or nothing triggers it but still... It just keeps hitting me so hard whats happened. My heart wants to change what happened and make it right again but that can never be and i am struggling to accept that. I hope its early days and normal to feel like this.

 

[Myshelsong]

Helen I did the same thing to our kitchen calendar.
thankfully i had a back up calendar in the office so I broke down last week and threw the one with the dates out and put the office calendar in the kitchen. It is just easier not to remind myself ever time I walk by it, which is always because it was above the cats dinner bowl. Oh the small stupid things that get us eh?

So it looks like our fertility clinic appointment is on Dec 3 - I thought it was the week after so that is good news. And the nurse said I can call on my cd 1 next cycle to start my investigation cycle even if it starts before the doctors appointment! That means we might be able to do the FET in January .... holy shit.

We are still trying this month but it is good to know that if it doesn't work the wait to move forward won't be as long as I thought it would be.

 

[StillPraying]

Myshel great news about the possibility of January!

 

[Myshelsong]

Thank you. It is bitter sweet to see the time pass but I am glad that time is going as quickly as it is right now and that I can have some "hope" mixed in with the sad days. Trying to stay positive and move forward.

where is everyone in there cycle? Is anyone testing soon?
Anyone doing anything fun this weekend? We have a party for my friends 1 year old on Saturday in Toronto, so that should be fun and emotional. Going to try to and have fun it is going to be the first time we see some friends since the loss.
We are on CD16 now, I previously ovulated on cd17-20 so looks like we are in the peak time if we do ovulate this month. I am not one that tests before af comes, makes me feel to crazy.

 

[StillPraying]

Are you doing OPK or just going off of calendar?

I'm 7-9dpo... BFNS for days of course. Honestly I don't think we caught this month, but I'm actually okay with it. After this cycle we will be preventing so if it isn't meant to be it isn't meant to be.

 

[Myshelsong]

I didn't have any opks left last year and when we went to IUI's and IVF I never bought any more. Didn't even think of it when we lost Blue. They make me crazy anyways so I am just going with the flow.

You are still really early to see a positive, I will send you happy positive thoughts!

 

[MorgansMom09]

Myshelsong
Hi I tested Tuesday actually because I had woke up that morning and ran to throw up. Unfortunately it was a BFN. 😭
So now as far as cycles go I just got my 2nd AF today. On top of my sister announcing her pregnancy and my other sister having her newborn, I'm a wreck.
I've spent the last 3 days sobbing. Today I cried while rocking my niece to sleep because I couldn't help but think I was supposed to be doing this with Morgan right now.
And I know it seems silly to hope I would've been pg but having my AF arrive today added another wave of sorrow. And then I let my mind wander and I just make myself cry more thinking about everything that should've been but now possibly never will be. You see my older sister (I have 4 sisters lol) has recently been getting help to conceive her second child and is not seeing good results. So that knowledge makes me wonder if I'll have too much trouble too.
I guess you could say I'm having an extremely "selfish thoughts" week. I'm angry at the world and yet trying to fake positivity for everyone around me.
As for fun weekend plans I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow morning. Then I'm making scarfs for my nieces cheer team.
Sending love and luck for everyone this month❤❤

 

[Myshelsong]

Morgan - Cry it all out Hun. scream, cry, beat a pillow until it is dead because it isn't fair. I don't even know what I will do if I see an actual baby this weekend, I am still so raw from it all.

Sending you lots of love and positive energy. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

 

[HelenJane]

Well I cried on the way to work today. Just thinking how far along i would have been then thinking about everything that happened.
Then i cried on the way home because a song came on the radio that was playing in the car when we picked her ashes up. I now call it Alices song and started thinking crazy thoughts, like, when its MY. funeral i want that song played...crazy thoughts but things to think about.

Morgansmom its not silly to hope. Hope is we survive on. Its ok to have a selfish day or week. Its self preservation. Its your mind reminding you that you should care about yourself.

I am due my 3rd period and i do not want it but we only did it once in my "window" so im just praying it worked but something is telling me no.
Its frustrating since you hear u should be extra fertile and yet nothing
Because u think that you think it should be easy, right?

Im due at end of the month.

 

[StillPraying]

How is everyone?

 

[Myshelsong]

Had a good weekend so far! Went to a friends kids first bday party and didn't have a melt down so score one for me. Then played around at the aquarium in Toronto, it was beautiful but so full, like crazy busy with families. I wish I lived closer, apparently there is morning yoga at the aquarium how amazing would that be?!

I think my fertility window is over I am no longer getting ewcm, so hoping we caught an egg if there was one. Not sure if I should test before af shows up or just wait and wait and wait. I think it my cycle lasts longer than 35 days I will test just to see what happens, but still so unsure of everything. If I get af hopefully I won't breakdown too much.

 

[StillPraying]

I'd say wait as long as you can at least just to avoid the disappointment of a bfn if you test to early.

AFM last night I got an obvious positive on my wondfo test, but then a bfn on this mornings test (first signal) but a positive opk? I hate limbo.

 

[HelenJane]

What is a wondfo test?

I keep doing ov tests every time i wee just to make sure I'm not ovulating late or miss it. All been definately negative.
Stillpraying im so happy you have a positive!! Get doing it lol.

 

[StillPraying]

I'm 10dpo. Wondfo is a brand of pregnancy test. I've had 2 positives now, still faint though

 

[Myshelsong]

Ahhh still a faint is still something!! Fingers crossed this little bean sticks for you Hun. Sending sticky happy vibes your way

 

[StillPraying]

Just hoping it isn't another chemical. Hard to get too excited.