September loss thread, TTC our rainbow babies

[Myshelsong]

So my cycle started today five weeks and four days after I delivered my baby boy.
I don't know how to feel, I don't know how I am feeling right now. I am glad that my body is "working" and that there is a chance we can get pregnant again, but at the same time I ache knowing that he is really and truly gone. There is no more of him or my hormones that sustained him left in my body.
I knew this would happen, I knew it would bring up emotions but I am just having a hard time processing them right now.

Helen that was a great quote and very true. Good luck on baby making month!!

Hey stillpraying- how are you holding up? I am seeing a chemical on your signature are you Ok? Big hugs

 

[MorgansMom09]

Hi all,
Man have I got baby fever bad today. Like really bad, my sister came to visit today with the new baby which was nice and I'm doing really well with her, but I think it just made me want a child more. I should say a live child, I miss my son terribly especially when my sister visits. I read him a story today at least, it was a nice morning with his garden.
Still praying, as far as cycles go today is supposedly an ovulation day. But I doubt I'll be having sex. Hubby worked both jobs today so was gone at 7am and won't be home till 11pm.
We had decided originally not to track anything and just have sex and if anything happens it happens, but I really want a baby. So I downloaded an app that tracks your period but also suggest your ovulation day.

I'm also super eager (like more than normal, has anyone else felt this at all?!) so im worried he will think I just want him for his sperm and not because my mind is like a teenager who just discovered sex. I mean honestly it's both, but sometimes it's hard to tell. Sorry if my posts seem to get a bit rambly, this is one of the few places I can openly vent and it's been really helpful.

 

[HelenJane]

Me too morgan. I do sometimes feel awful like im using him for his sperm lol! He does feel the same though as he wants more children.


I have to say ladies i am still having a super tough time grieving. I had a massive cry tonight and for the first time in 2 months since it happened, i got her box out and cried even harder hugging her and telling her how much she is loved.

I didn't expect to be even more emotional 2 months on but its just hitting me hard what with others pregnancy announcements and celebrations in general this time of year. Im just so heartbroken
I will continue to greive but as Stillpraying said to me all those weeks ago, the only way to properly heal is to have my rainbow baby and now i know that is true more than ever. As nothing compares to that feeling you get knowing or finding out your pregnant

 

[StillPraying]

Morgan I think maybe just not telling him about O day so as not to make him feel that way. I've made the mistake of telling DH before and I could tell he wasn't completely into the bding that night

Myshel I'm glad your body is going back to "normal" but I know what you mean about feeling like it really is over. It's like a very physical slap in the face that your baby is gone. I felt the same way.

Helen how did the force of baby making go?

AFM yes I had a chemical last month. very disappointing. At the same time, I had 2 females at work come to me and tell me they accidentally got pregnant (ACCIDENTALLY?!) and neither of them are in a stable relationship. so I've been struggling to stay positive. I also have a dreadful cold and my voice is gone. But AF is gone now so on to OPKs.

 

[MorgansMom09]

Me too morgan. I do sometimes feel awful like im using him for his sperm lol! He does feel the same though as he wants more children.


I have to say ladies i am still having a super tough time grieving. I had a massive cry tonight and for the first time in 2 months since it happened, i got her box out and cried even harder hugging her and telling her how much she is loved.

I didn't expect to be even more emotional 2 months on but its just hitting me hard what with others pregnancy announcements and celebrations in general this time of year. Im just so heartbroken
I will continue to greive but as Stillpraying said to me all those weeks ago, the only way to properly heal is to have my rainbow baby and now i know that is true more than ever. As nothing compares to that feeling you get knowing or finding out your pregnant

Helen I'm sorry to hear that today was rough. I'll let you in on my secret. Those first few days and weeks even, I set aside time to mourn everyday. Sometimes it was only for a min other times it was for up to two hours. I said anything I wanted to no matter how ugly or mean or unloving it sounded, but I also had nice days too where I talked about everything I had wanted for Morgan (that was my son's name btw Morgan Adams McCully, mines Nicole) and how I know he at least lived only knowing love.
Now almost 2 months out I still cry, but not everyday and I still think about everything I wanted for him but I also focus on what I want in life for his future siblings. And I talk to him about them. But I'm sure you already do something like this, but who knows only we know what is the best way for us to grieve.
Ps. I still smell his clothes and blanket he was wrapped in. They were in the box the gave me. I refuse to wash them because I don't think I could ever live without that scent. Sometimes the scent makes me cry other times it fills me with hope. Hoping we all get BFP's soon.❤❤❤

 

[MorgansMom09]

Still praying yeah I didn't want to put added pressure on him, but I'm more worried about me because I know it could be happening and if we don't do anything I'll question whether or not I should have told him. Idk, maybe now's not the right time either, but I can't think like that. You see Morgan was a surprise oops BC baby. But he was so wanted once I found out, now I'm afraid I've lost my chance because we weren't trying before and I still got shafted, so why should I even be given another chance when were trying. This probably doesn't even make sense to anyone but me but it does start the waterworks. So I think I'm cutoff on forums tonight. Good luck and lots of love everyone ❤

 

[StillPraying]

Morgan my baby Luke was also a surprise oops. And I felt like I was being punished when I lost him. I completely understand how you feel about feeling like you've lost your chance and being shafted. It makes sense to me hon.

 

[Emma241179]

Hi everyone, sorry to jump in so late but I'm kind of new and looking for some shoulders to cry on! So sorry for all of your losses.. losing a baby at any stage is simply the worst feeling in the world.

I am already a mum to my beautiful boy who is 2 and a half- DH and I conceived him very easily and I think perhaps this has unrealistically raised my expectations of TTC the second time around..

I have now had two 'chemical' pregnancies back to back- one in September and one as we speak.. both between 5 and 6 weeks. I know this is very early on and it must be so incredibly hard for those miscarrying later on; but I'll be honest.. I feel crushed. I can't shake the feeling that there must be something wrong.. Why I am I conceiving successfully but then failing to carry? The NHS (I'm in England) won't investigate until your 3rd MC and I feel like its such a huge leap of faith to try again in a bid to get answers. I had IUGR (Intrauterine growth restriction) and oligohydroamnios (low fluid) with my DS and I keep thinking perhaps there is something underlying this and my two early losses?

Has anyone else experienced several early losses and then gone on to be successful?

Desperately searching for hope..

Love to you all,

Emma xxx

 

[Myshelsong]

Hi Emma, sorry for your losses. I don't have any suggestions, but have you talked with your doctor about progesterone? I know they had me on that up until 12 weeks....

Ok so I am wanting to be in this baby train now! We are going to try naturally after this af leaves, here's too hoping. We were diagnosed with male factor, so maybe my uterus environment will be extra nice to his swimmers and we can make this happen before the schedule FET.

Anyone having some .... anxiety of actually having sex? We havent been intimate in what feels like forever and I am kind of terrified that this is going to be weird and might trigger some deep emotions and I am going to cry...

 

[StillPraying]

Myshel I cried after the first time we dtd post delivery. But it wasn't weird, and honestly I found sex very comforting.

 

[MorgansMom09]

Myshelsong I cried after sex the first time too. But mostly because it was the first time in six weeks that we were able to be that close. It didn't feel weird at all, it just felt right.
Emma sorry for your losses and I'm sending hugs your way. Unfortunately I am not familiar with chemical pregnancy so I don't know too much about how all that works. However after my loss I researched hundreds of pages on infant loss and TTC again and many women who posted on those who mentioned a chemical pregnancy did eventually get their rainbows. So don't lose hope!🤗❤

 

[ChanyMarie]

Hi ladies,

I haven't been very successful with responses to my posts in the past, but I am really struggling with this loss, and would like to hear how you are all coping and getting through this painful time and when we can start trying again? I lost my first through early MC at 5w,and I am still suffering through it.

Sending strength and love to you all

I'm so sorry to hear that u are going through this as well. I lost my little one on 9/21 at 5+3. Trying to conceive again, had one af in October since and have done the bd within the window to see what luck we have but I'm not sure if anything was accurate just yet... I still have fears and often think about that day 😔 Hoping your doing better xxx

 

[Myshelsong]

So we are officially back on the baby making train. I can't believe that we are going through this again, I can't even really believe we were pregnant and lost it and trying again. It feels so surreal, but here we are.

We are trying to stay positive, being hopeful but also trying to enjoy ourselves ... ? Ugh, this is so weird.

 

[StillPraying]

Totally get you myshel. It is weird.

 

[Myshelsong]

So I got a new lipstick and outfit to spice up the night life in the house, hahaha
How is everyone else doing this Weekend? Anyone ovulating soon?
Our plan is to try every other day until the next af comes, I have no idea when I will ovulate after the loss. I think we are CD 11 today and I normally ovulate a bit later like cd 17.... but who knows

 

[StillPraying]

My opks confused me and now I don't know how many dpo I am *sigh* my body is wreck lol

 

[Myshelsong]

I hate opks so much!
Sorry Hun, do you temp as well?

 

[StillPraying]

No temping made me crazy and my sleep isn't consistent enough either.

 

[HelenJane]

So ladies...I bought some cheap ovulation tests off Amazon. Like, 50 in a pack plus 50 preg tests too. The stick ones. I've never had those before but I really wanted to track every day and see what its like.
Anyway they came on Thursday afternoon and by Thursday night i think I'd used about 10. I was a mad woman lol. I just couldn't help but do one every time I went to the bathroom.

Anyway, my fertile week was Monday- Friday according to my calendar. We had sex Wednesday and when i was doing the tests Thursday i thought they were good but not good enough. They looked nearly as dark as the control line but not equal (i thought)...but when i did them on Friday the test line was much lighter, if anything.
Now Friday was supposed to be my highest fertile day so I was confused...maybe Thursday was the day.
But i thought it wasnt dark enough to the control line....so maybe Wednesday was my day...and Thursday was showing as good but not quite there because the time had passed...?
We didnt get to have sex on Thursday as my OH was feeling poorly and tierd and Friday was showing nothing basically so i wasn't bothered then lol.

So yea these stick ovulation tests are very much down so a judgment call i think. Maybe Thursday was the day but i thought it wasn't dark enough.....you never know.
I hope it was Wednesday though!

What i though about doing next month is one a day or two a day and keep them lined up somewhere (no idea where) for the whole month and see what it shows.
BUT fingers crossed for this month as Wednesday could have been Thee day.

I have not done anymore ov tests since because they were getting on my nerves but I wanted to ask.....IF we did get pregnant on Wednesday and now we are in the two week wait....will the ovulation tests show as negative as ovulation has passed? If u are preggo when will they start to show this?

 

[StillPraying]

Ovulation tests only tell when your surge is and don't confirm if you od. If you never got a positive testing that frequently you may not have od. I'd keep testing.