Single mommy by choice

[milf2be]

Alright so I read all of your reply's and honestly am not going to sit here and reply to each one.
I am making a very educated decision to do this, I know what raising a child intales, and as hard as it is, its that much more rewarding. As a child of a single mother, In the back of my mind I always had assumed that I would end up that way and be unhappy like my mother, However, this is a choice I am making, knowing full well I am in this alone, I would never bring a child into this world if I thought it would struggle.
For me this is just the beginning of the rest of my life, being a mother is something I have always known I have wanted, I have no fabrications in my mind of this being easy, or fun or anything like that, In the beginning of something new it is always a little bit hard to adjust, now this really isn't going to be very new for me as I have been more of a mother to that child then his mother, I had never received any help with him, somedays I cried my face off because I was stressed, but the thing is, the reward of teaching that child something, that child giving you a huge hug, even the temper tantrums that he or she throws are something so special, even though parenthood is not always fun, it will never quit being rewarding.
Me choosing to become a mother is not going to change the way I live all that much, I am not like most girls my age, and my home/life is all very family oriented.
There will be changes obviously, but nothing that I am not 100% prepared for.
Becoming a mother is one of the most amazing things woman do, and is something that needs to be thought about long and hard.
I just want to make it very clear that I would never bring a child into this world to set it up to struggle its entire life. I would also like to say that I am an adult, and though I may be a young adult, that does not mean I am an idiotic young adult! I do appreciate the concerns some of you have, It just proves maturity, and a sense of caring. But my age does not define what kind of mother I will be, so please treat this subject the same way you would treat it if i was 30.

i know i probably wont change your mind (and i dont think you should change your mind based on some stranger from the internet either for that matter), but i just want you to have a think.

i found this post when i was looking for something the PP said about your nephew:

"Yeah, your right, i mean i want to give any children i ever do have a great life, and everything they could possibly need, I have so much going on right now, starting college in march and then im sure my mind will be too busy to think about having children lol i think right now i feel really useless and not needed for anything (im not working currently). But one day when i am completely ready i know i will be so much happier to become a mother and not have to struggle! just got to stay focused!"

this just seems to totally contradict what you've just said and was written only 10 days ago?

what happens when you start college in march? will they let you have maternity leave? what will you do for money during that maternity leave? what happens after you have had the baby, can you afford to go back to college? if you do back to college then who will look after the baby?same if you got a job, who will look after the baby and can you afford to pay for childcare? etc. etc. i had to think of the same things when i got pregnant, but luckily for me i have a OH who can afford to support us until i finish uni, its not easy but we get by.

as for the " i think right now i feel really useless and not needed for anything ", im sorry but thats not a reason to have a baby

im sure other mothers will agree with me when i say this - you cant be prepared for having a baby, it comes as a complete shock. its not the same looking after someone else's baby, even for the majority or the time as the case might be.

i really hope i dont get ripped to shreads for saying this, but im just trying to help

These are actually fantastic questions!!!!
Now, when I did make those posts I was still thinking long and hard about my decision, and basically giving myself reasons on why I should not do it.
Where college is concerned, It has a day care in the school, which has not cost at all, it is all based on marks in your classes, so this is something i do not have to worry about.
I live in Canada and here we get one year Mat leave, paid, from work, as long as you work the amount of hours you need to before baby is born!
I have actually decided to start school after the baby is born instead of while I am trying, and I will just be working for now.
I have put in a tremendous amount of thought as well as planning into this!

im glad you didnt think i was being nosy haha
wow thats amazing about the childcare, i get a bursary and they only pay up to 85% of childcare and thats the most. we dont what we get yet either, im still waiting to hear from them!
i dont know you, so i dont know if you truly are ready or not and im a big believer in no time is the right time. as long as you've thought things through and you are 200% sure and you have a lot of support around you, then nobody can say anything?
good luck
and if you want any help or advice or just a chat give us a message x

 

[mixedbeautyx]

To the op, I saw in one of the replies someone quoted you werent working, are you currently working now?

 

[ashliee]

Honestly, we sound very similiar. I have always wanted children, even when I was barely a teenager. I practically raised my niece and one of my nephews. My niece currently lives with me. I know how the feeling is to want a baby so bad and all you have is taking care of others, however, I knew when I was 20 years old that I was not capable or even prepared to have a child. I, too, thought I'd never get the opportunity and never find someone to spend my life with but you are only 20 years old!! I am now married, I'm 27 so it wasn't that long ago. I am now more stable in life and have someone I can share the experience of having a baby with. I have plenty of family who would've helped me if I did the same thing that you are wanting to do but that isn't really fair to them and certainly wouldn't be to my child. I wouldn't want them growing up wondering about their father and asking questions that really don't need to be asked. Children should know both their parents, whether they are in their lives or not. They should be able to see them, to know them personally and talk to them. That doesn't really work with a unknown donor. I think you are maybe a little emotional now, being so young and wanting things that don't come as soon as you demand it. I know I've been there, still am there as I am still ttc.

I can't say from personal experience that you are never prepared, however, I agree with another poster and with so many family members around me and what I have seen that you aren't ever prepared for it. You say you want the best for your child, you should probably get the best then and consider a more fair option for them.

Good luck.

Well you see, I do agree with you that every child deserves to know who their father is and at least have background on him.
This is one of the reasons I am leaning more toward using a donor off of the website I have mentioned.
All of the possible donors for me are willing to meet the child (if the child wants) when they are of age to make that decision.
I am also planning on giving the donor two yearly updates on the child including pictures and such, so my child will not be in the position of most children who do come from donors.
My child will not be in the dark of how I conceived him or her, I plan to be honest, and would never keep them from seeking the man I do choose out.
Im not interested in my child knowing nothing about his or her biological father, I feel it is his or her's right to have knowledge of where they come from and the opportunity to form a relationship with this person if they choose.

 

[MrsBroodyPant]

Hi,
I posted earlier...........I don't know my dad because he died before I was born and I so wish that I could of met him - after all he is a part of me!

My mum has given me an amazing life! I have everything I've ever needed and she has been both a mother and a father to me. Ive done well in life and own 2 businesses and a lovely home. Not having a father has not hinted me in anyway, shape or form..........

Other people, think I've got a perfect life, but I think that it wasn't perfect from the moment I was born because I was missing a daddy!!! Even though I can say all these positive things about my mum being a fantastic single mother to me. I'd of loved a father so very much. My mother didnt have a choice, as my dad died from cancer, but you have a choice to give your baby a father.

You may meet a fantastic man in a few years time after u finish your studies. I know you have thought this through, but id encourage u to keep on thinking about it....

 

[ashliee]

I know this isn't the supportive yeah that's a real good idea post you want to see and not to sound like a total bitch but have you thought about the future child? It sounds like your only thinking about yourself but you need to think of the possible baby and does that baby deserve the best opportunity it can have? I feel bad for kids that were born from sperm donors cause they'll never know their dad. Even if parents break up the kids can still have a relationship with both parents. I'm not even gonna go into that its sounds like your young and all that.....geez....good luck

Sperm donors are not "dads". Any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad. That is my opinion on that. However, my child WILL have the opportunity to get to know his or her biological father if they choose to do so, that door will never be closed for him or her.

 

[bdawn8403]

Well you see, I do agree with you that every child deserves to know who their father is and at least have background on him.
This is one of the reasons I am leaning more toward using a donor off of the website I have mentioned.
All of the possible donors for me are willing to meet the child (if the child wants) when they are of age to make that decision.
I am also planning on giving the donor two yearly updates on the child including pictures and such, so my child will not be in the position of most children who do come from donors.
My child will not be in the dark of how I conceived him or her, I plan to be honest, and would never keep them from seeking the man I do choose out.
Im not interested in my child knowing nothing about his or her biological father, I feel it is his or her's right to have knowledge of where they come from and the opportunity to form a relationship with this person if they choose.

I don't know, I just think if this was my mother and she told me "hey you were conceived by a donor who I didn't know, I picked off a website but you can meet him if you want" would tell me that you were a little selfish and just wanted a baby and maybe didn't think about my well being before I was conceived or maybe what may happen in the future with potential mates for you. Also I would feel a lack of being loved, its much different if you end up being a single parent than choosing to because you can't wait life out a few more years, anything can change day by day. Just like a little over a week ago you weren't sure about it and were so down on yourself and knew you wouldn't be able to but now, a mere 10 days later, you are?? How is that possible?

Also you say you will never let them not know the sperm donor but you kind of already are. Sperm donation is NOT the same as someone having sex and having a baby. Most of the time there is some sort of love or even like between 2 people who conceive a baby therefore making it easier to want a relationship with them or even know them. How do you know that years down the line this donor will have his own family and not want anything to do with this child? That would hurt even more. That does happen no matter what the donor claims now.

 

[Rachel789]

I am sure you are sick of all these comments but I think we are all just baffled by your decision.

I do not want to sound condescending and we all know you are going to do what you think is right but what is the harm in going to school and if you still feel the same way in a few years then reconsidering it? I do not understand what your rush is you are so young and you have so much time. I know when I was 20 I felt like I was very mature and knew everything but looking back ( I am currently 29) I cannot believe how much my views have changed from age 20 to 25 and now to age 29. Its amazing how many changes your personality goes through in your 20s.

And for me I never had any real relationships until I met my now husband when I was almost 21 years old. I never thought I would find the right man. I know it sounds cliche but it happened when I least expected it! Just because your mom was in this situation does not mean you are doomed to be too. Having a child with someone you love is such an amazing experience I would hate for you and your child to miss out on that!

 

[ashliee]

Alright so I read all of your reply's and honestly am not going to sit here and reply to each one.
I am making a very educated decision to do this, I know what raising a child intales, and as hard as it is, its that much more rewarding. As a child of a single mother, In the back of my mind I always had assumed that I would end up that way and be unhappy like my mother, However, this is a choice I am making, knowing full well I am in this alone, I would never bring a child into this world if I thought it would struggle.
For me this is just the beginning of the rest of my life, being a mother is something I have always known I have wanted, I have no fabrications in my mind of this being easy, or fun or anything like that, In the beginning of something new it is always a little bit hard to adjust, now this really isn't going to be very new for me as I have been more of a mother to that child then his mother, I had never received any help with him, somedays I cried my face off because I was stressed, but the thing is, the reward of teaching that child something, that child giving you a huge hug, even the temper tantrums that he or she throws are something so special, even though parenthood is not always fun, it will never quit being rewarding.
Me choosing to become a mother is not going to change the way I live all that much, I am not like most girls my age, and my home/life is all very family oriented.
There will be changes obviously, but nothing that I am not 100% prepared for.
Becoming a mother is one of the most amazing things woman do, and is something that needs to be thought about long and hard.
I just want to make it very clear that I would never bring a child into this world to set it up to struggle its entire life. I would also like to say that I am an adult, and though I may be a young adult, that does not mean I am an idiotic young adult! I do appreciate the concerns some of you have, It just proves maturity, and a sense of caring. But my age does not define what kind of mother I will be, so please treat this subject the same way you would treat it if i was 30.

i know i probably wont change your mind (and i dont think you should change your mind based on some stranger from the internet either for that matter), but i just want you to have a think.

i found this post when i was looking for something the PP said about your nephew:

"Yeah, your right, i mean i want to give any children i ever do have a great life, and everything they could possibly need, I have so much going on right now, starting college in march and then im sure my mind will be too busy to think about having children lol i think right now i feel really useless and not needed for anything (im not working currently). But one day when i am completely ready i know i will be so much happier to become a mother and not have to struggle! just got to stay focused!"

this just seems to totally contradict what you've just said and was written only 10 days ago?

what happens when you start college in march? will they let you have maternity leave? what will you do for money during that maternity leave? what happens after you have had the baby, can you afford to go back to college? if you do back to college then who will look after the baby?same if you got a job, who will look after the baby and can you afford to pay for childcare? etc. etc. i had to think of the same things when i got pregnant, but luckily for me i have a OH who can afford to support us until i finish uni, its not easy but we get by.

as for the " i think right now i feel really useless and not needed for anything ", im sorry but thats not a reason to have a baby

im sure other mothers will agree with me when i say this - you cant be prepared for having a baby, it comes as a complete shock. its not the same looking after someone else's baby, even for the majority or the time as the case might be.

i really hope i dont get ripped to shreads for saying this, but im just trying to help

These are actually fantastic questions!!!!
Now, when I did make those posts I was still thinking long and hard about my decision, and basically giving myself reasons on why I should not do it.
Where college is concerned, It has a day care in the school, which has not cost at all, it is all based on marks in your classes, so this is something i do not have to worry about.
I live in Canada and here we get one year Mat leave, paid, from work, as long as you work the amount of hours you need to before baby is born!
I have actually decided to start school after the baby is born instead of while I am trying, and I will just be working for now.
I have put in a tremendous amount of thought as well as planning into this!

im glad you didnt think i was being nosy haha
wow thats amazing about the childcare, i get a bursary and they only pay up to 85% of childcare and thats the most. we dont what we get yet either, im still waiting to hear from them!
i dont know you, so i dont know if you truly are ready or not and im a big believer in no time is the right time. as long as you've thought things through and you are 200% sure and you have a lot of support around you, then nobody can say anything?
good luck
and if you want any help or advice or just a chat give us a message x

Oh no of course not! those were very valid questions! I am blessed with the college I am going to, for it to have this opportunity is just a pure blessing, there is nothing better then having amazing childcare in the same building that you are in, they also highly encourage breast feeding and the whole school is just very parent friendly!
We also have child care subsidy, which basically if you are in school the province will cover most, if not all of your child care needs

 

[bdawn8403]

That is so true Rachel. I am very mature, always have been. I am 27 years old now and act like a middle aged woman most of the time. I am an old soul. My views have changed on many things since I was 20 years old. Personality not so much but I have different beliefs and thoughts than when I was a young adult.

Also with my husband we "dated" for a few months, some issues occured with an ex of his and then got back together a couple of years later. Both of these times it was completely out of the blue. I wasn't looking, too busy working and sulking that I didn't have anybody when I had free time to do so

 

[ashliee]

Well you see, I do agree with you that every child deserves to know who their father is and at least have background on him.
This is one of the reasons I am leaning more toward using a donor off of the website I have mentioned.
All of the possible donors for me are willing to meet the child (if the child wants) when they are of age to make that decision.
I am also planning on giving the donor two yearly updates on the child including pictures and such, so my child will not be in the position of most children who do come from donors.
My child will not be in the dark of how I conceived him or her, I plan to be honest, and would never keep them from seeking the man I do choose out.
Im not interested in my child knowing nothing about his or her biological father, I feel it is his or her's right to have knowledge of where they come from and the opportunity to form a relationship with this person if they choose.

I don't know, I just think if this was my mother and she told me "hey you were conceived by a donor who I didn't know, I picked off a website but you can meet him if you want" would tell me that you were a little selfish and just wanted a baby and maybe didn't think about my well being before I was conceived or maybe what may happen in the future with potential mates for you. Also I would feel a lack of being loved, its much different if you end up being a single parent than choosing to because you can't wait life out a few more years, anything can change day by day. Just like a little over a week ago you weren't sure about it and were so down on yourself and knew you wouldn't be able to but now, a mere 10 days later, you are?? How is that possible?

Also you say you will never let them not know the sperm donor but you kind of already are. Sperm donation is NOT the same as someone having sex and having a baby. Most of the time there is some sort of love or even like between 2 people who conceive a baby therefore making it easier to want a relationship with them or even know them. How do you know that years down the line this donor will have his own family and not want anything to do with this child? That would hurt even more. That does happen no matter what the donor claims now.

In my personal opinion I feel that this decision shows nothing but love for the child, there are steps you take to ensure things do not change over the years, for example a contract will be signed by both partys to ensure things like the donor changing his mind on being open to meeting the child do not happen.
I honestly can not agree with your logic on the child maybe feeling unloved, this child will be loved with every inch of me, and for someone to assume anything differently is a little bit rude in my honest opinion.
Just because I am planning to do things different then most does not mean I am doing something wrong. As an adult I am entitled to making decisions for myself, and any future children of my own.
I feel as though you are assuming this process is not going to be well thought out and or prepared for, and I must inform you that you are wrong.
This decision is not one anyone should ever take lightly, and it takes a lot to go through with something like this. But for me this is what I want and what I am going to do, and I can assure you my child will be well aware of how wanted and loved he or she is.

 

[Rachel789]

That is so true Rachel. I am very mature, always have been. I am 27 years old now and act like a middle aged woman most of the time. I am an old soul. My views have changed on many things since I was 20 years old. Personality not so much but I have different beliefs and thoughts than when I was a young adult.

Also with my husband we "dated" for a few months, some issues occured with an ex of his and then got back together a couple of years later. Both of these times it was completely out of the blue. I wasn't looking, too busy working and sulking that I didn't have anybody when I had free time to do so

Thats the better choice of words and what I meant. My views changed, I am still me though

 

[ashliee]

I am sure you are sick of all these comments but I think we are all just baffled by your decision.

I do not want to sound condescending and we all know you are going to do what you think is right but what is the harm in going to school and if you still feel the same way in a few years then reconsidering it? I do not understand what your rush is you are so young and you have so much time. I know when I was 20 I felt like I was very mature and knew everything but looking back ( I am currently 29) I cannot believe how much my views have changed from age 20 to 25 and now to age 29. Its amazing how many changes your personality goes through in your 20s.

And for me I never had any real relationships until I met my now husband when I was almost 21 years old. I never thought I would find the right man. I know it sounds cliche but it happened when I least expected it! Just because your mom was in this situation does not mean you are doomed to be too. Having a child with someone you love is such an amazing experience I would hate for you and your child to miss out on that!

I may seem a little rushed, but I really want to have children at a younger age, I do not want to be an older mother, this is just personal preference, and also how I have been raised, My family all had children pretty young, and it is just what I am accustomed to.
I am not opposed to some day finding a man I do fall in love with and want to have children with, I just plan to already have a child by the time that happens, I feel that any man who falls in love with me will have no problem falling in love with my child as well.

 

[ashliee]

To the op, I saw in one of the replies someone quoted you werent working, are you currently working now?

I do have a job, Its just in the town in which i am moving to, I start there next month!

 

[Rachel789]

Well it sounds like you have made your mind up and you thought this out already. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Want2bemommy4]

Good luck sweetheart. Being a you mom can be challenging, but even a older mom is challenging too. Just make sure you have support from family and friends so you are not alone..

 

[ashliee]

Good luck sweetheart. Being a you mom can be challenging, but even a older mom is challenging too. Just make sure you have support from family and friends so you are not alone..

Thanks dear! I have an amazing family who is great support for me, they always have been, As well as my close friends! I havent mentioned my plans to my family as of yet but my closest friends know and are ecstatic, which really helps so that I dont feel as though im making a mistake.
Im one of the last of my friends to become a mother, and they have told me time and time again how great a mother i will be when i choose to become one.
Its really nice to have support and just positive thoughts ! Im extremely excited to begin this amazing journey!

 

[TryinFor1]

Good luck hun.

I am 20 also and ttc, although I am not single. But I give you props! You sound like you have everything properly planned and the baby is going to grow up with much love and support.

I do hope some bad situation doesnt arise with the donor, whatever situation that may be. I can just see how that would be an accident waiting to happen because peoples minds change. BUT I pray that everything goes smoothly.

Hope you get a bfp without trying for too long!

 

[ashliee]

Good luck hun.

I am 20 also and ttc, although I am not single. But I give you props! You sound like you have everything properly planned and the baby is going to grow up with much love and support.

I do hope some bad situation doesnt arise with the donor, whatever situation that may be. I can just see how that would be an accident waiting to happen because peoples minds change. BUT I pray that everything goes smoothly.

Hope you get a bfp without trying for too long!

Thank you so much! and I hope you get your BFP very soon!!!! good luck!

 

[mod19]

When I was 20 I couldn't wait till I was 21 so I could go to the bar!!!

OK, I read through all of these posts, and I'm sorry, but can still not agree. I was lucky enough to have both of my parents in my life who are still together. I would not be half the person I am today without my father. My parents offset each other perfectly, so if I only had one or the other, I'd be completely different. When I was 21 I had an "oops" with my then boyfriend. I was completely freaked out...I was only 21, didn't have any money saved up, lived with my parents, and had only been with the guy for a little over a month. I didn't end up having the baby as my pregnancy ended up being ectopic, but I don't believe I would have been as successful and so ready now for my first child.

I mean, do you have a bank account set up with some nice cash in it for when that baby comes? What if (and I hope this doesn't happen) your child has medical problems that keep you home from work and you can't make any money? There will be no one else there to support you. I made sure I had a house and a reliable vehicle before I even thought about having a child. I could never do it alone, plus, I know OH will make a wonderful father! He wants a girl so he can say "that's my girl!" when she's old enough to race and she beats the boys on the race track. Don't you want to have anything like that? Not only will your child miss out on having a father, but you'll miss out on having that other person to share the love of the child with. It's not the same to compare having that OH to having a supportive family.

Just my opinions I suppose...

 

[21Rach]

I found being a single mum so much easier than being in a relationship good luck your a strong character, all a child needs is love. Period. Welcome to ttc xx