Single mommy by choice

[ashliee]

It's not meant for you to wrap your head around, it's not your life! If you can't support her in her decision, then move on. Obviously she isn't going to change her mind, and last time I checked she was an adult who could make her own decision.

Would I do what she's doing? No, but I'm not her. As long as the baby is taken care of and loved, that's all that matters. Hell, some babies with 2 parents don't even get that.

Thank you very much for this reply, I am not expecting everyone to understand fully, but I did expect to receive respect, which I am a little shocked to see a lot less respect compared to people who feel the need to tell me reasons why i shouldnt do it! so thank you!

 

[ashliee]

I just have to say...... For goodness sakes people!! This lovely young woman posted here to look for support on her DECISION not put downs on how difficult it's going to be etc etc.... She has obviously made up her mind. She wants a baby! That's why we are all here isn't it???? Single/gay couple/lesbian couple/straight couple It doesn't really matter what kind of relationship you have, if any, as long as that baby is loved....... who's to say if she deserves a child or not??!!

You know I am 23 and I know I was born to have children!! I have always wanted children and I'm grateful enough to have a wonderful husband now who wants children with me.
When I was 16 I had a little 'accident' with my ex boyfriend and had a little scare - from then on I couldn't wait to seriously sensibly start trying for a family. Luckily I met my husband only a matter of months after my ex broke up with me, and we have been together ever since.
I just want to say this.... If I hadn't met my husband and was single I would DEFINITELY be looking in to sperm donors!!! I want a baby so so much and am quite aware of the ups and downs etc etc. I've been impatient to have children for so many years, yes I know you might say, I'm young but I KNEW what I wanted. Needless to say 12 months of TTC I'm still waiting for my sticky BFP.
Quite a few of my friends have been bought up by just their mum and have 'turned out' just fine.

If this is what you want to do hun - don't let ANYBODY get in your way!!
If you have a link to your blog/journal I would love to follow your journey!!
I wish you all the very best!!
xx

Thank you SO much for this reply its heart warming to see that someone understands where i am coming from! thank you from the bottom of my heart!
My blog is here:
https://lifeswonderfulchanges.blogspot.com/

and my Youtube account which is going to have video updates and such is here!:
https://www.youtube.com/ashliee001

 

[ashliee]

Didn't say it was my life, there isn't any need to get straight on the defensive, jeez... it isn't just her life. It will be a baby's life as well. Guess I'm just wondering if baby WILL get the chance to know his/her other half of parentage, that part really hits home for me that's all. Sorry I didn't ask that in the first place.
And it's not the norm to be a single mother by choice, why wouldn't I try to see it from OP's POV and fail and say so? There isn't anything wrong with me not getting it, and I'm obviously not the only one. We all question what we don't understand don't we?

My baby will be given the opportunity to seek out his or her sperm donor when (s)he is 18 years old. IF the child wants. It will always be open for him or her, and I would never deprive him or her of that right.

 

[ashliee]

You sound like me, OP. I'm 24 and I met DH when we were both 18, and ever since we met all I've wanted to do is move FORWARD. Sometimes I have to remind myself that life doesn't have to be finished by the time I'm 30, but I have a hard time slowing down.
We waited 4 years to get married (which practically killed me), even though I knew from the beginning that he was "the one". But now that I look back, our timing was perfect. We are in a much more stable place financially right now than we were at 18-22. But ever since we got married, I've wanted to ttc. It took a little over a year to get DH to agree to it, but once again, the timing is perfect for us right now and I'm so glad I didn't push him into something he wasn't ready for, because I love seeing his excitement now that he truly wants to be a daddy! We're in the middle of month 3 right now, so I don't know how long it's gonna take.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I know what you mean about "time running out" because that is kind of how I live my life, even though I know I'm young, etc. Good luck with whatever decision you make, sweetie. Well, it sounds like you already decided, so I wish you well with the whole process.

Awww, thank you so much dear, And i wish you all the baby dust in the world, It is so fantastic that things are going so great for you! I hope you conceive your beautiful little baby very soon! you deserve it!!! Congrats on TTC

 

[bdawn8403]

I may seem a little rushed, but I really want to have children at a younger age, I do not want to be an older mother, this is just personal preference, and also how I have been raised, My family all had children pretty young, and it is just what I am accustomed to.
I am not opposed to some day finding a man I do fall in love with and want to have children with, I just plan to already have a child by the time that happens, I feel that any man who falls in love with me will have no problem falling in love with my child as well.

I wanted to have children when I was young too because I don't want to be an older mom but that is no reason to rush into it. I didn't get what I wanted because I was mature about it. I could've ran out and done the same thing but I chose to wait and be smart about it. About the whole contract thing, just because you have a piece of paper making the other party do something doesn't make it okay. If he doesn't want to know the child it will come across as that. All that paper can do is make him meet the child, nothing else. You are setting yourself up for heartache and future issues with this child.

So basically your child has to wait 18 years to know their father?!?!?!? How does that not sound crazy to you? I, honestly, think that you just want someone to love you and think that having a baby will fill whatever void you have in your life. That is not a good reason to have a child and certainly not a good environment. How are you paying for all of this anyway? You are "starting" a job. Do you have money saved up for this procedure?

Obviously, you are going to do whatever it is you wanna do but you came on here for whatever reason, you didn't honestly think we'd all be rootin and shouting go for it did you? I don't know of any person who chooses to be a single mother or a father. We, as humans, have the need and want to procreate but we also have the need and want to have someone with us in our lives. Choosing to be a single mother isn't the norm and actually kind of disrespectful to those who are single parents when they didn't choose that and it is very hard for them and their child and yet you want that? Strange.

 

[ashliee]

Best of luck to you on your TTC journey..I just sincerely hope this baby isn't born with the job of making you feel loved and happy.

I am not having a baby to make me feel loved or happy.
I am having a baby because I feel that I am ready to bring a beautiful child into the world, and show he or she a fantastic life full of opportunity's, I am ready to raise a child, care for this child when he or she is sick, discipline this child when its needed, show this child all the love and respect possible. This is not a game, this is a life changing decision I have made.
This decision is not one I have made to cause harm to my child. Being a mother is a full time job, And the most amazing responsibility a woman can possibly have. I am taking this very seriously, and would never do anything like this if I was not 150% positive that it is something I am ready for in all aspects. It apauls me that you would even have the thought that this child is just something I want to make me feel loved and happy? That is NOT my childs job. That is MY job as a mother to make my child know he or she is loved, and give him or her every opportunity and show him or her happiness. This is not about my feelings. This is about me wanting to be a mother. not just a mother, but an amazing mother.

 

[ashliee]

I may seem a little rushed, but I really want to have children at a younger age, I do not want to be an older mother, this is just personal preference, and also how I have been raised, My family all had children pretty young, and it is just what I am accustomed to.
I am not opposed to some day finding a man I do fall in love with and want to have children with, I just plan to already have a child by the time that happens, I feel that any man who falls in love with me will have no problem falling in love with my child as well.

I wanted to have children when I was young too because I don't want to be an older mom but that is no reason to rush into it. I didn't get what I wanted because I was mature about it. I could've ran out and done the same thing but I chose to wait and be smart about it. About the whole contract thing, just because you have a piece of paper making the other party do something doesn't make it okay. If he doesn't want to know the child it will come across as that. All that paper can do is make him meet the child, nothing else. You are setting yourself up for heartache and future issues with this child.

Im not sure that you understand anything I am saying.
The donor i choose, is one that wants the same things as I do, I have hundreds to choose from and I plan to choose the one that best suits my wants and needs with this.
Just because you decided to wait to have a child does not make you any more mature with your decisions.
And just because I choose to start my family this way opposed to waiting for mr.right to come along makes me no less mature then you thank you very much.

 

[bdawn8403]

Im not sure that you understand anything I am saying.
The donor i choose, is one that wants the same things as I do, I have hundreds to choose from and I plan to choose the one that best suits my wants and needs with this.
Just because you decided to wait to have a child does not make you any more mature with your decisions.
And just because I choose to start my family this way opposed to waiting for mr.right to come along makes me no less mature then you thank you very much.

Okay, you aren't listening to me or understanding. People change!! Sure he may want that now, like you, but years down the line (when he probably has a family) since most of these donors are probably young like you looking for money. He could very well change his mind. He will probably have a wife and children of his own and then this kid pops in? That won't go over well with some people. Do you understand that? The fact that you don't shows your maturity level. You are only 20 years old, you don't know anything about people or life really. It doesn't work like that. People change, life changes, personality, thoughts, beliefs all change. I am sorry to be so harsh but you really need it.

You need to think of others, like this baby you plan on having, rather than yourself.

 

[ashliee]

Im not sure that you understand anything I am saying.
The donor i choose, is one that wants the same things as I do, I have hundreds to choose from and I plan to choose the one that best suits my wants and needs with this.
Just because you decided to wait to have a child does not make you any more mature with your decisions.
And just because I choose to start my family this way opposed to waiting for mr.right to come along makes me no less mature then you thank you very much.

Okay, you aren't listening to me or understanding. People change!! Sure he may want that now, like you, but years down the line (when he probably has a family) since most of these donors are probably young like you looking for money. He could very well change his mind. He will probably have a wife and children of his own and then this kid pops in? That won't go over well with some people. Do you understand that? The fact that you don't shows your maturity level. You are only 20 years old, you don't know anything about people or life really. It doesn't work like that. People change, life changes, personality, thoughts, beliefs all change. I am sorry to be so harsh but you really need it.

You need to think of others, like this baby you plan on having, rather than yourself.

Okay well first of all, donors in Canada receive NOTHING for donating. It is against the law.
There are donors of many different age groups, and most of them are married, and do have familys already.
I understand what you are saying but I also see how uneducated you are on this subject. You truly dont know what you are talking about and for you to act as though I am doing something like this without fully thinking this through and knowing the risks involved is very ignorant. You are entitled to your own opinions however nothing you are saying is changing my mind? And you are NOT educated on this subject at all. If you want to try and change my mind you are out of luck. And if you dont like that then please click the little red x. I am not here to fight about this with anyone this is my choice and my child of which I am fully capable of making decisions for.

 

[ashleyann]

Best of luck to you on your TTC journey..I just sincerely hope this baby isn't born with the job of making you feel loved and happy.

I am not having a baby to make me feel loved or happy.
I am having a baby because I feel that I am ready to bring a beautiful child into the world, and show he or she a fantastic life full of opportunity's, I am ready to raise a child, care for this child when he or she is sick, discipline this child when its needed, show this child all the love and respect possible. This is not a game, this is a life changing decision I have made.
This decision is not one I have made to cause harm to my child. Being a mother is a full time job, And the most amazing responsibility a woman can possibly have. I am taking this very seriously, and would never do anything like this if I was not 150% positive that it is something I am ready for in all aspects. It apauls me that you would even have the thought that this child is just something I want to make me feel loved and happy? That is NOT my childs job. That is MY job as a mother to make my child know he or she is loved, and give him or her every opportunity and show him or her happiness. This is not about my feelings. This is about me wanting to be a mother. not just a mother, but an amazing mother.

Don't be appalled it's a legitimate concern seeing some of the things you've said yourself..Your minds made up tho so so be it. Nothing anyone says is going to matter but you shouldn't be shocked that people don't understand a decision like this at your age. You need to think long and hard about it and if you already have you should do it again. And again..and then have at it. Best of luck.

 

[bdawn8403]

Exactly why did you come on here? Like I said you can't possibly think many would support this kind of on a whim decision. You may not realize it but someday you will realize that we do know what we are talking about.

Don't come on here expecting everything to be peaches and cream because it won't, you either wanted opinions or you wouldn't have posted. You got them. Good luck in this path.

 

[pinklightbulb]

Didn't say it was my life, there isn't any need to get straight on the defensive, jeez... it isn't just her life. It will be a baby's life as well. Guess I'm just wondering if baby WILL get the chance to know his/her other half of parentage, that part really hits home for me that's all. Sorry I didn't ask that in the first place.
And it's not the norm to be a single mother by choice, why wouldn't I try to see it from OP's POV and fail and say so? There isn't anything wrong with me not getting it, and I'm obviously not the only one. We all question what we don't understand don't we?

My baby will be given the opportunity to seek out his or her sperm donor when (s)he is 18 years old. IF the child wants. It will always be open for him or her, and I would never deprive him or her of that right.

I was more wondering if the donor would be someone you knew and would take some role in the child's life growing up. I am glad to see you wouldn't deprive your child of the basic right to know his/her parentage. You say you want to do this alone and want no input-- will you have a male influence around in the child's life at all?

 

[ashleyann]

Fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Fact.
They are also twice as likely to drop out of school. Fact.
85% of children with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes.

Daughters of single parents without a Father involved are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 711% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth and 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.

 

[dizzy65]

i had my DS when i was 20 got pregnant when i was 19 and im now 21 and trying for my second.. and getting married in May.. OH works away for a week at time.. so like 70% of the time i am alone.. and with out him coming back to take bubs away from me for a bit i dont think id be able to do it.. it is really stressfull to be the one that is always with him and when you need a break if your single you dont have that option.. not that im saying anything against it.. i know how you feel wanting a baby so young.. OH and i had our first "oops" at 16 that ended in a m/c .. everything happens for a reason thou i believe.. if this is really what you want and you are for sure you can handle this.. just think thou of the bigger picture.. what that child will be like growing up the extra stress and expensce, doing it alone.. and how that child is going to feel with out a daddy.. you do have plenty of time to find that "special some one" there is no need to rush into this.. trust me having a baby actually having it is far differant than anything you could ever think off.. im constantly exhausted DS hes running now so im always chasing him around im lucky to have other people to help with him and i in all honestly would have a hard time with it just being me.. i hope for the sake of the baby that u are in a good financial state as well ... any how.. if it what you want go for it.. your the only one that can make that decision and good luck!

 

[bdawn8403]

Fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Fact.
They are also twice as likely to drop out of school. Fact.
85% of children with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes.

Daughters of single parents without a Father involved are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 711% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth and 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.

Wow, that is very interesting.

 

[Anais]

How do you plan on supporting this child Ashleigh? Are you able to do this without government assistance? I mentioned earlier that I had thought about using a donor but I live in my own home and would not need any assistance from the government as I have my own money.

I'm sorry but you won't get much support from people who go to work and pay taxes...

 

[ashliee]

Exactly why did you come on here? Like I said you can't possibly think many would support this kind of on a whim decision. You may not realize it but someday you will realize that we do know what we are talking about.

Don't come on here expecting everything to be peaches and cream because it won't, you either wanted opinions or you wouldn't have posted. You got them. Good luck in this path.

You know what I expected people to be more understanding, and much less opinionated. How many times do I need to tell you that this is something I have thought about, this is something I am taking VERY seriously, and something that means the world to me.
You coming in here and telling me everything you think is wrong with it is not what I want or care about to be honest.
I am not a 15 year old kid making a stupid decision. I am an adult and am in a place where this is right for me. Leave it at that.

 

[ashleyann]

Fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Fact.
They are also twice as likely to drop out of school. Fact.
85% of children with behavioral problems come from fatherless homes.

Daughters of single parents without a Father involved are 53% more likely to marry as teenagers, 711% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth and 92% more likely to get divorced themselves.

Wow, that is very interesting.

I thought it was..and I could have gone on and on and on. Seriously.

And I'm not trying to be rude at all..I didn't write this or make it up to mean. It's fact. I just don't think anyone should set their child up to these kinds of stark statistics. Of course there are always exceptions I just don't feel this is one.

 

[dizzy65]

i didnt read threw all the posts was going to tell i relised there was 10 pages of it lol people are going to have there opinions its something you open your self up to in anything one posts.. dont let what the others have to say to affect what you want to do and i wouldnt take it to heart either.. its your decsion and if you feel this is what you want....

 

[ashliee]

Didn't say it was my life, there isn't any need to get straight on the defensive, jeez... it isn't just her life. It will be a baby's life as well. Guess I'm just wondering if baby WILL get the chance to know his/her other half of parentage, that part really hits home for me that's all. Sorry I didn't ask that in the first place.
And it's not the norm to be a single mother by choice, why wouldn't I try to see it from OP's POV and fail and say so? There isn't anything wrong with me not getting it, and I'm obviously not the only one. We all question what we don't understand don't we?

My baby will be given the opportunity to seek out his or her sperm donor when (s)he is 18 years old. IF the child wants. It will always be open for him or her, and I would never deprive him or her of that right.

I was more wondering if the donor would be someone you knew and would take some role in the child's life growing up. I am glad to see you wouldn't deprive your child of the basic right to know his/her parentage. You say you want to do this alone and want no input-- will you have a male influence around in the child's life at all?

The donor I choose will be someone I get to know and trust and am able to see myself keeping contact with. He will not be playing a role in my childs life though, as that is not what I want.
I want to get pregnant on my own and raise my child on my own- HOWEVER. I am not saying I am never going to find someone I want to spend my life with. I feel as though anyone who wants to be with me with accept my child with open arms. and if not then i dont want to spend my life with them.
My child will have many male role models, I have a huge family and we are all very close. And we all play very big roles in the lives of the childen in our family. My child will be surrounded by a huge loving family