Sleepover privileges for my 15 y/o and her bf?

[Foogirl]

I would certainly not allow my teenage daughter to have sex under my roof. No matter what the relationship, how mature it seems etc, as far as I am concerned 15 is too young to be in a sexual relationship. If my daughter chooses to do it behind my back, that would be her choice, but by allowing it to happen I would be tacitly condoning it and I would not be comfortable about it at all. In the UK it would be illegal in any case, but even at 16, I wouldn't do it.

I hear the "at least she is under my roof" argument a lot and I just don't get it. How far does that argument go? If she were drinking, would that be ok to allow in the house because then at least she would be safe? Or smoking? Or taking drugs? I believe as parents we have the responsibility to guide them appropriately and letting a child have sex in my house would seem to me like I weren't doing that. Of course, once it's been allowed it is hard to go back on it, but I certainly wouldn't be letting it happen regularly.

One thing to note though, if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is, she would insist on using condoms. And if he were the great guy you say he is, he would agree.

 

[sbl]

Totally agree with foogirl

 

[Missnurse]

As do I

 

[sethsmummy]

One thing to note though, if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is, she would insist on using condoms. And if he were the great guy you say he is, he would agree.

This.. is just rude. Its one thing to comment on the situation.. but you are totally putting her daughter (and partner) down there. You know nothing about her daughter so there is no need to say things like that.

 

[RaspberryK]

Well I completely disagree foogirl, I was allowed to drink alcohol at home from a young age, I knew my limits, didn't need to hide it and go behind my parents back, wasn't drinking in the park and on street corners and once I was old enough to go out in town I never got paralytic like the other 18 year old because it wasn't something I was suddenly allowed to do.
With regards to sex, alcohol, whatever, my dad always said yes he would rather I was home doing these things safe rather than god knows where doing who knows what.
I never rebelled because there was nothing to rebel against, I was treated as an adult and therfore I acted like one.
Had I been childish, started deceiving him then he would have taken appropriate action but I believe the way I was parented taught me respect and responsibility.
Xx

 

[sethsmummy]

Well I completely disagree foogirl, I was allowed to drink alcohol at home from a young age, I knew my limits, didn't need to hide it and go behind my parents back, wasn't drinking in the park and on street corners and once I was old enough to go out in town I never got paralytic like the other 18 year old because it wasn't something I was suddenly allowed to do.
With regards to sex, alcohol, whatever, my dad always said yes he would rather I was home doing these things safe rather than god knows where doing who knows what.
I never rebelled because there was nothing to rebel against, I was treated as an adult and therfore I acted like one.
Had I been childish, started deceiving him then he would have taken appropriate action but I believe the way I was parented taught me respect and responsibility.
Xx

snap! from the age of 14 we were allowed a drink at new year in the house when my parents had friends over and therefor i knew my limits. I moved out at 17 and NEVER went over my limit and to be honest going out and getting drunk wasnt something i wanted to do.. i went out around 6 times in my life. I will do the same wtih my boys from around 15 so they can learn their limits.

 

[Foogirl]

This.. is just rude. Its one thing to comment on the situation.. but you are totally putting her daughter (and partner) down there. You know nothing about her daughter so there is no need to say things like that.

Not at all, she does sound like a fairly responsible teenager, and the guy does too. The OP sounds like a good parent, however the point I made about 15 being too young to be in a sexual relationship is reinforced by the fact the girl is not using condoms. For sure she has her reasons, but to me it is an indicator that perhaps they aren't mature enough for the type of relationship they have. I don't see how that is being rude as I don't think any 15 year old has reached that level of maturity.

 

[Foogirl]

Well I completely disagree foogirl, I was allowed to drink alcohol at home from a young age, I knew my limits, didn't need to hide it and go behind my parents back, wasn't drinking in the park and on street corners and once I was old enough to go out in town I never got paralytic like the other 18 year old because it wasn't something I was suddenly allowed to do.
With regards to sex, alcohol, whatever, my dad always said yes he would rather I was home doing these things safe rather than god knows where doing who knows what.
I never rebelled because there was nothing to rebel against, I was treated as an adult and therfore I acted like one.
Had I been childish, started deceiving him then he would have taken appropriate action but I believe the way I was parented taught me respect and responsibility.
Xx

snap! from the age of 14 we were allowed a drink at new year in the house when my parents had friends over and therefor i knew my limits. I moved out at 17 and NEVER went over my limit and to be honest going out and getting drunk wasnt something i wanted to do.. i went out around 6 times in my life. I will do the same wtih my boys from around 15 so they can learn their limits.

I was never allowed to drink at home, nor was I allowed sleepovers with my boyfriends. When I became old enough to do both I never did either to excess. There was nothing to rebel against in my household either as my parents taught me respect and responsibility and I think that is the key. It's about the values you are raised with, rather than where you are allowed to do stuff. The bottom line is, if a teenager is going to do things which are ill advised, they will do them wherever. This is why for me it comes down to the message I want to send them rather than any attempt to change their behaviour.

 

[sethsmummy]

its just the way you wrote it hun.

if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is

it comes across as rude.

yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.

 

[Missnurse]

The same as foo girl just because some teenagers aren't allowed to drink in the house or have sex under their parents roof doesn't mean that every teenager not allowed those things rebelled.

I for one didn't touch a drink till I was 17 but i certainly never hung around street corners drinking or doing other things I wasn't allowed to so just because my parents said no. It's a bit unfair to assume that every teenager who isn't allowed to do certain things goes against the boundaries set out for them

 

[Aidan's Mummy]

I agree with foogirl on this one. Especially the condom comment as the pill isn't 100% in preventing pregnancy and it doesn't prevent STI's what so ever.

As for sex being condoned at that age in my eyes it's an absolute no, due to my own personal experience. I met my eldest DS's dad aged 13 and we were together for a few years when my mum decided it was best to put me on the pill (aged 15) and allowed me to have sex in her house, as she believed we were in a solid relationship amd mature. I took the pill but aged 16 I still became pregnant, I had my son and me and my then OH stayed together. It was hard, don't get me wrong I love my son and don't regret him one bit BUT if I could turn back time I would wait. Me and his father stayed together until he was 2.5 years old but unfortunately as we grew up and matured it was clear we would not work. Our whole outlook on life changed and we just didn't work anymore. No matter how mature a 15 year old is perceived it doesn't mean they still haven't got a lot of maturing to do and more often than not their outlook on life, views, wants, hopes, dreams and opinions will change. Now I am not saying that no couple who are together that young won't last but it is very hard and often couples at that age grow up and apart. My son now lives 170 miles away from his dad (he moved away) and see's him three times a year. Looking back I was far to young to be involved in such a intense, serious and committed relationship. Therefore due to this I would not allow my daughter or son to have sex under my roof at that age and I would also discourage such a intense relationship. As it can cloud their thinking and I don't believe it is the healthiest thing to have at that age. They have enough hormones raging without adding love into the mix.

 

[Bex84]

I have to say I agree with foo girl.15 is young, and sure there is mature 15 year olds but I personally wouldent want my daughter at 15 to be in a sexual relationship, its a lot to handle. I grew up in a home where we did not drink, have sex, hang about on street corners, I never did it behind parents back, I am t total, never went crazy at university and the only person I've been with is my husband who I have been together since 19. Its lovely op's daughter has a close relationship with her and I want to foster same with my daughter but I will also not be allowing what I feel is inappropriate under our roof for the thought she would do else where because I don't think that's the case. I would have serious talk about comdoms so as to protect your child's health. There are many 'nice' boys who turn out to be horrible. I saw a friends 'nice' boyfriend completely bail on her as she went through miscaridge when we were 15. Her parents had supported relationship and he turned out to be a horrible piece of work and I have seen friends when younger catch std's off serious boyfriends who were also seen as nice boys

 

[Missnurse]

I agree with bex 84 and that was what I was trying to get across just because myself, and other posters here, weren't allowed to do things out parents viewed as inappropriate didn't mean we went out and did them anyway and I'm sure plenty of other teenagers respect their parents wishes also

 

[Foogirl]

its just the way you wrote it hun.

if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is

it comes across as rude.

yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.

Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.

But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.

 

[NoodleSnack]

I would certainly not allow my teenage daughter to have sex under my roof. No matter what the relationship, how mature it seems etc, as far as I am concerned 15 is too young to be in a sexual relationship. If my daughter chooses to do it behind my back, that would be her choice, but by allowing it to happen I would be tacitly condoning it and I would not be comfortable about it at all. In the UK it would be illegal in any case, but even at 16, I wouldn't do it.

I hear the "at least she is under my roof" argument a lot and I just don't get it. How far does that argument go? If she were drinking, would that be ok to allow in the house because then at least she would be safe? Or smoking? Or taking drugs? I believe as parents we have the responsibility to guide them appropriately and letting a child have sex in my house would seem to me like I weren't doing that. Of course, once it's been allowed it is hard to go back on it, but I certainly wouldn't be letting it happen regularly.

One thing to note though, if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is, she would insist on using condoms. And if he were the great guy you say he is, he would agree.

If I drink alcohol, I would let my children drink it, starting out with a sip or two if they ask, to teach them how to drink responsibly in social situations. Binge drinking in anglo-saxon countries is awful because some people think they have to gorge as much as possible when they have the chance. Awful way to do it.

Drug and smoking are not to be done at anytime. Sex is natural and necessary for most people, so it's better for the parents to know and teach them how to go about it in a safe way, rather than treating it as something that's taboo.

You need to remember that your opinions are not always shared by others. If they were both virgins and they trust the pills then they wouldn't see themselves as not taking responsibilities so it's about changing their outlook not condemning as irresponsible, that would be inaccurate and highly detrimental to a parent-child relationship.

 

[Natsku]

its just the way you wrote it hun.

if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is

it comes across as rude.

yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.

Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.

But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.

Now I agree with you absolutely about the condom thing, but I'd like to point out that countries like the UK and US, who have a more prevalent attitude that teens shouldn't and must not have sex, have a much higher teen pregnancy rate than countries that are much more relaxed about the whole thing. The idea might be good but it doesn't work unfortunately (statistically speaking, obviously in individual cases it can work but on a whole it doesn't).

 

[Foogirl]

its just the way you wrote it hun.

if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is

it comes across as rude.

yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.

Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.

But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.

Now I agree with you absolutely about the condom thing, but I'd like to point out that countries like the UK and US, who have a more prevalent attitude that teens shouldn't and must not have sex, have a much higher teen pregnancy rate than countries that are much more relaxed about the whole thing. The idea might be good but it doesn't work unfortunately (statistically speaking, obviously in individual cases it can work but on a whole it doesn't).

I think there are a lot of complex issues which lead to our high teenage pregnancy rate. There have been many different initiatives we have tried which emulate those in countries with a lower rate of teen pregnancy, and it hasn't worked, in fact rates went up. Just like we haven't been able to reduce binge drinking by introducing continental drinking rules. The issue is with society's general attitude to both. The excesses of binge drinking and casual sex are part of our culture for adults and tinkering around with initiatives for teenagers isn't working. I haven't got the figures but I suspect our unwanted pregnancy rates for adults are probably the highest too. I believe that the best way we can address it is to lead by example. It's likely I don't drink to excess because my parents were never drunk in our home. And their attitude to sex being something adults do in a loving relationship has stayed with me too. I don't think it is as simple as introducing them to it at an early age.

 

[Bex84]

its just the way you wrote it hun.

if she was as responsible and mature as you claim she is

it comes across as rude.

yes she might not be using condoms but she is religiously using her pill.. which is a heck of a lot more than what 90% of teenagers would be using. We don't all know who our partners have been with or if they would cheat on us but not all adults use condoms.. we run the same risks yet we see ourselves as being responsible and mature. This is exactly the same in my eyes.

Just because some adults don't take birth control seriously, doesn't mean it's ok for teenagers to do the same. The biggest difference is, adults are better equipped, certainly emotionally, to deal with the consequences of STI and unplanned pregnancy.

But the same is true for everyone, no matter what the age, if you can't use the word condom, you shouldn't be having sex with the person you are with.

Now I agree with you absolutely about the condom thing, but I'd like to point out that countries like the UK and US, who have a more prevalent attitude that teens shouldn't and must not have sex, have a much higher teen pregnancy rate than countries that are much more relaxed about the whole thing. The idea might be good but it doesn't work unfortunately (statistically speaking, obviously in individual cases it can work but on a whole it doesn't).

I think there are a lot of complex issues which lead to our high teenage pregnancy rate. There have been many different initiatives we have tried which emulate those in countries with a lower rate of teen pregnancy, and it hasn't worked, in fact rates went up. Just like we haven't been able to reduce binge drinking by introducing continental drinking rules. The issue is with society's general attitude to both. The excesses of binge drinking and casual sex are part of our culture for adults and tinkering around with initiatives for teenagers isn't working. I haven't got the figures but I suspect our unwanted pregnancy rates for adults are probably the highest too. I believe that the best way we can address it is to lead by example. It's likely I don't drink to excess because my parents were never drunk in our home. And their attitude to sex being something adults do in a loving relationship has stayed with me too. I don't think it is as simple as introducing them to it at an early age.

I totally agree with this, my parents don't really drink, maybe a glass of wine at Christmas so social drinking was never normalised for me. They stressed importance of relationship and trust (something not covered in school sex education which was about the biology not the emotional consequences), I have never seen my parents drunk and they would never touch drugs. My mum gave up smoking and that in it self set a good example as my mum was very open in that she wished she never started. The biggest thing my parents taught me was to respect myself and things like drinking, having sex etc is not what makes you cool at young age. The thing I want to teach my lo is strength to say no

 

[Bex84]

Maybe I'm just a prude lol, I know people who don't see a difference between kissing and sex. When my daughter is 15 I want her to have lots of friends and if she likes a boy group dates so she can enjoy childhood

 

[sethsmummy]

I think the big thing with making our judgements when our children are younger.. if you are closed off to the idea of being open about these kind of things with your child... we dont know what kind of person they are going to grow up to be, what kind of personality they are going to have etc. xx