Sneaking back in...

[BelleNuit]

Well, have a bit of tan cm. ever so slight, but I suspect this is the start of the end. I think I'll fill my femara prescription on Thursday. AF is due Friday.

I don't even feel sad this month. I think I'm just over it. My brother is getting married in May. His fiance already has 2 kids (6 and 7 yrs old) that they can barely take care of. They're already talking about having a baby together. It will destroy me if they get pregnant before I do. They both have so many health problems (mental health & physical health) and can barely handle the 2 they already have. I would rather all of my friends become pregnant all at the same time then have them get pregnant.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that I can handle AF this month, I can handle AF next month and the month after that. I can handle a lot. But I don't want to have to live through that.

I just hope something will finally work for us.

 

[MKaykes]

Sorry Belle, hope is not AF on the way! I too hope you get your baby before your brother does! It just doesn't feel fair though, does it?

 

[WishnandHopn]

Belle I'm really sorry that it seems like the spotting might be starting. If it is the first sign of the witch, I am excited that you're giving the femara a go! I know you are underwhelmed by the stats on drugs working for unexplained, but just maybe it will help overcome a subclinical hormonal or ovulation issue the doctor hasn't been able to detect with the usual tests.

I really really really hope you get pregnant before your brother's fiancé. I would be pretty shocked if any of my younger siblings had babies before me. My sister has had 2 abortions and her boyfriend has a 20 year old kid and doesn't want any more, my brother has a lot of problems and lives at home with my parents...and well my baby brother because he is a decade younger than me and even though he's a cop and a grownup...well he's still a baby to me.

I'm having lots of O pain today and my OPK was pretty close to positive this morning. We BD'd last night and will go again tomorrow. Seems like I will O very soon if I haven't already and won't have to worry about BDing while the inlaws are visiting this weekend. Yup, super fun weekend ahead for me.

 

[BelleNuit]

Thanks MK and Wishn, you guys always understand, even when I'm feeling at my worst. Good luck with your O Wishn!

Spotting is the faintest pink today, so its the start of the end. I am excited to give femara a go, just trying to keep my expectations realistic. My acupuncturist says it will likely help me O multiple eggs and that if I have a stronger O there will be a better corpus luteum which should help with progesterone. My progesterone is within the normal values, but she says that maybe if it increases a bit the spotting might stop. I'm also hopeful that it will help thicken my lining. Who knows, maybe it will fix some small problem that is hard to test for.

Even though we didn't get pregnant, I do feel good about my decision to wait to try. I would have felt hopeless if I was just finishing up my 3rd femara cycle now as I'm just not ready for IUI. We have a 45% chance of conceiving in the next year, which is about as high as our chance would be of conceiving with IUI/IVF, so I think it makes sense to hold off on things for a little while. As frustrating as that is

As far as I know, the last time DH smoked weed was Dec 11. So by the time we're ready to try again it will have been 7 weeks of living clean (reduced alcohol too). I know it takes 3 months for sperms to turn over, but surely there will be some improvement even in 7 weeks.

 

[Pleasance]

Hey ladies.
Been a rough week or so. My DH and I had a doggy loss Friday and AF arrived Monday.

MK - to answer your question about work: I decided to do exactly nothing. I really didn't want that job as a team lead. And the job in the other department was transferred to a different state (which is the one I actually did want). So I'm just hanging out doing my job.

Got my clomid refilled and today is cd4 so it begins again. I set my alarm and am using Gavin Degraws song Medicate the kids. Don't know why but it felt right somehow.... maybe it's the first few lines...

I started looking at adoption today out of curiously and got kind of weirded out by the fact that this place had an online catelogue of kids. It just seemed wrong. These aren't new pants, they are humans! It upset me more than anything and I stopped looking into it after about five minutes.

Wishn I hope all goes well with the in laws. I like my in-laws but would be super stressed if they were staying with me.

 

[WishnandHopn]

Pleasance I'm so sorry to hear you've had a terrible week! Losing a pet is so hard. Is this your second cycle of clomid? The idea of a baby catalogue really weirds me out. It's even weirder than a sperm donor catalogue I think. I hope we all get our babies and don't have to go down those roads.

Belle any more spotting? 7 weeks of no weed and clean living is awesome for the swimmers! Here's hoping that combined with femara it will be your magic bullet. I was looking at that list of supplements you posted on the Jan testers thread. I am taking most of the stuff they recommend, but my DH is taking every single thing on the list! And he exercises 5 days a week and has only 1-2 drinks/week. And still his sperm is not awesome. So who knows?

MK how's the wait treating you?

I'm about to join those of you in the tww...I'm going to say O day is today since it seems like I've been Oing 2 days after my positive OPK (or else my luteal phase has decided to lengthen to 15-16 days these last two cycles). I'm going to *try* to forget my dpo and not test until Feb 3. I actually really like my inlaws so this weekend should be fine. I just kind of wish they would leave Monday, but they're staying till Tuesday. I don't like having company during the week, it messes up my routine.

 

[BelleNuit]

Pleasance I absolutely shudder to think of that catalogue of kids online. I think adoption can be a wonderful option for a lot of families. I work in children's mental health so I have seen my fair share of wonderful adoptions... children with special needs whose parents and extended family rally around them and advocate for them to get them what they need! But I've seen the other side of the story as well, adoptions where the child went wild and the parents ended up ruined, or adoptions where the parents regretted it and said they wished they could send the child back. Unfortunately because of where I work, I tend to see the horror stories more often than the success stories. So my perception is completely skewed. Adoption is just not for me, but its definitely a valid option for a lot of other people! Its a long road in and of itself, so if you end up going along that journey I hope it all goes as good as possible!

I'm really sorry to hear that your dog died They become a member of the family so it definitely hurts to lose them.

Woo hoo Wishn for O day! Good luck forgetting about your dpos. I always lose track in the middle and then because of my acupuncture appointments before AF will have to check where I am again. Sometimes I get surprised how far along it is! I'm keeping my FX for you! Sometimes I wonder how far the supplements actually go. It sounds like your DH is doing all he can! I'm taking most of the stuff on the women's list too, but DH is definitely not taking all that he can. I might go over the list with him and see what he thinks. His SA was fantastic, aside from slightly lower morphology. So I'm freaked out that there is dna microfragmentation that is causing us problems. But then I wonder if his high count would counterbalance the lower morphology? His total count was over 500 million so surely 50 million normal sperm would be enough? Even so, we can't seem to get pregnant! BAH!

I was reading that sometimes tilted uterus (which it sounds like mine could be based on a comment my doc made to me during the HSG) get less blood flow which can thin the lining. Maybe thats whats going on with me? I signed up for a yoga class. Maybe yoga will get the blood moving down there a little better. Acupuncture should also be helping with this. I wonder if a tilted uterus/cervix could be the cause of spotting?

Still having spotting, so have no doubts that AF will show. Already picked up my femara prescription. I'm worried the femara will thin my lining because it reduces estrogen like clomid does. I wonder if my lining will have time to bounce back after I finish with the femara? Bah!!

 

[WishnandHopn]

Belle I remember reading somewhere that femera doesn't have the side effect of thinning the uterine lining the same way that clomid does. I guess they work differently.

We went in to sign all the consent forms for IUI today. Found out about the different injectable drugs I'll need to get (gonal-F with ovridel trigger). Thank goodness we have good drug coverage. We will just have to pay $850 for the sperm wash. He said if we have more than 3 large follicles they will cancel the cycle and tell us to "stay away from each other". Haha that one made me laugh. So if not pregnant before my March cycle...this is happening!

 

[BelleNuit]

Wishn, I'm very excited for you for your next step! I have no doubt that you will have your baby one day Same goes for you MK!

As for me, I'm seriously considering a childfree life. I am okay with trying out femara to see what happens. But the more I think about fertility treatment (IUI/IVF) the worse I feel about it. I just don't think its the right choice for me. (I absolutely 100% respect other peoples choice to go that route). I think we will continue with TI for the next year, but when December rolls around again and we're still not pregnant, I think that will be our quitting point. I won't rule out the possibility that one day we might end up pregnant (we won't opt for sterilization), but I'm not going to grind myself into the ground either.

I can think of examples of people living childfree lives at different life stages... and it doesn't look so bad.

I saw an elderly couple (in their 80s), they were going for a walk holding hands. The lady smiled at me and said they had never had children. At the time I thought "how sad." But they didn't look sad, they looked in love

My best friend doesn't want kids, he and I have talked about it many times. He wants to travel and have nice things cant knock it LOL

My cousin, who is a close friend of mine struggled through infertility and have chosen to live childfree lives. Their lives are awesome! They are about 5-10 years older than us and travel all the time and go to concerts regularly and do the things they find fulfilling in life. They are artistic types and have followed their passions career-wise.

My neighbours who we are close friends with are in their 60s and have chosen a childfree life. He never wanted kids. They have an awesome life! They go to Hawaii a couple times a year every year, they go kayaking, hiking, and their day to day life is good to! He is renowned in his field, she went to the olympics.

Of the people I know who are living childfree, I wouldn't say they are any less happier. I think they live fulfilling lives.

When I think that I could be childfree, I don't get a sense of terror. I think that my life is open to a multitude of possibilities, and I just have to take them! When I think of fertility treatments I feel anxious and depressed.

I think I will choose that life, a childfree liife and be happy and satisfied with it if it doesn't happen naturally for us. We will quit trying after another year.

I also give myself permission to change my mind if I want

 

[WishnandHopn]

My best friend doesn't want kids either. I think she's pretty content with that choice. It's an interesting distinction between childfree and childless, isn't it? Childless to me sounds like something is missing, whereas childfree implies freedom. I feel like up until we started TTC I was living a perfectly nice childfree life with plenty of disposable income and freedom to sleep in, go out, travel. In fact, when I turned 35 and was still single, I had pretty much accepted that my life would be child free. Then I met my husband and right from the get go all I wanted was to have a family with him. Since we started TTC I just feel childless. I'm not sure I could make the transition back to the happy childfree person that I was before. I hope I don't have to.

 

[BelleNuit]

Wishn I hope you get what you want. It would be hard to go back I agree. I guess I just can't imagine living my entire life "childless," to fail IVF would mean (to me) that I was "childless." I would much rather choose to be "childfree." Its an important distinction I think.

 

[MKaykes]

Pleasance - I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your pet I am so attached to my dog, I couldn't imagine my life without her. I know now everyone is as attached to their animals, but I know most are and their loss leaves a little whole in our hearts. Sorry also about AF, on to another cycle and another opportunity for a BFP!

Belle - I admire that you've been able to take some time to really think about the childfree life. There are definitely benefits to it! Our circle of friends is pretty much 50/50 now kids or no kids. I don't envy my friends with toddlers who are always sick, getting up in the middle of the night, cost of daycare and all that fun stuff. And I know they are jealous of my concerts a few times a month, and when they call me at 10am on Sat after they've been up since 6am and I'm just rolling out of bed. Sometimes I wonder if playing with my friends kids will be enough, but then I realize they won't take care of me when I'm old, lol! That was actually one of my moment in my late 20s when I was still single and had started to come to terms with not getting married and having a family. I was working a disability claim for a women who had had a stroke and her co-worker was calling in on her case. I asked if she had family to help her through the process and she said she just had a niece and nephew but there were several hours away. I suddenly was terrified that my only emergency contact would be a coworker! I suppose I'd have to rely on my sister's kids since DH and I are both the youngest in our families in theory we'll be in better health longer than our siblings. Kind of a silly reason to have kids, but realistic. I just also don't know if I will every loose that longing when i see a new little baby

As for the femara, I haven't had any issues with my lining being any thinner while on femara. My lining CD10 before trigger was I think 7.9mm. I asked if that was good and she said it was in range and I mentioned out my periods are still so light and she was kind of perplexed and didn't think it had anything to do with my lining. My own diagnostic mind wonders if that is where my endo is coming from, that my lining is fine, it is just shedding out the wrong end and going through the tubes instead of down with gravity...though my doctor shut that down when I mentioned it. It still seems possible to me since retrograde menstruation is thought to be a/the cause of endometriosis, and they can't give me any other explanation for a light period.

Wishn - have fun with BDing and I hope you have/had a good strong O with a healthy egg! I can't believe your sperm washing will cost so much! We pay $208 total for the IUI and sperm washing. I know the US$ and CA$ aren't equal, but not off by that much. If everything else is covered for you, you'll still pay less than me. Do you know what Ovidrel will cost you? If I paid cash I could get it at a couple specialty pharmacies for $99, but insurance is charged $167, up until Jan I had already met my deductible with my surgery so I only paid half of that, but with a new plan year in Jan I'm paying in full until I hit my deductible again and none of my IUI and scans go to my deductible since it is out of network. Ugh, healthcare. And, now we've got this new president coming in tomorrow...who knows what will happen with healthcare!

MN has one of those adoption sites, "Minnesota's Waiting Children." I've looked at it many times, I'm always so sad for these kids. Mostly teens or sibling groups of 3 or more, or disabled kids. There are so many challenges that can come with adoption, along with many blessings.

My weekly acupuncture was cancelled tomorrow. I knew it was a possibility this could happen as the acupuncturist's mother was on hospice care, she passed away today so I'm guessing it will be at least a week before I can get back to see her if not longer. I just hope that it doesn't make my body start over if it had made any progress with acupuncture. But, I know going in that this was a risk, so I'll have to run with it.

My TWW is going by quickly so far, school has been a great distraction. Between school and work I've been busy from about 8am to 9pm every day so I go go go then crash and get up and do it all over again. Thankfully my mom has stepped in and came over and cleaned my house yesterday Have my progesterone lab test tomorrow, hoping it comes back better than it has, but have been doing my suppositories.

 

[BelleNuit]

Guys, I don't know what to do. I found out last night that my DH has never actually quit smoking weed (not surprised). He was supposed to have quit in December so that we could have a fair shot this cycle with femara. I caught him last night with supposedly his very last joint. I really do believe his habit is the reason we can't get pregnant.

Now I don't know if I want to start tomorrow or not. Should I believe him that this time he's actually quit and therefore take a break for a month and try again next cycle with femara? Or should I just accept that he's never actually going to quit, do the femara (because it probably wasn't going to work anyway) and then be done with it? I'm also so friggen angry that I don't even want to look at him, much less BD with him.


Glad your TWW is going well MK, I'm keeping my FX for you

 

[WishnandHopn]

Oh Belle I'm so sorry. You must be seething. And so disappointed. The weed is bad but the lying about it is even worse. I think since you've been mentally preparing yourself to start femera, you could do it for one cycle as an experiment to see if you have any side effects, how it affects your cycle, etc. If you don't get pregnant after one femera cycle (maybe just inseminating if you are too mad to BD), lay it out for your DH: how can he expect you to put your body (and heart and mind) through fertility drugs if he can't even quit weed? If he can really and truly quit for 3 months and you believe him, then you could try another femera cycle.

MK I'm glad your wait is passing quickly. Hope your progesterone comes back nice and high! I don't know how much the drugs will be, but drugs are always a lot more expensive in Canada than the US. It could easily be over a thousand for one cycle.

I said I wasn't going to count dpo but it's so hard not to! FF thinks I'm 4 dpo but I'm pretty sure I'm only 2 dpo. It's gonna be a loooooong two weeks.

 

[BelleNuit]

We aren't going to try this month. I'm not going to track anything, or take femara. We won't prevent but I need a break from all of this. Not trying.

DH is smoking up the last of his weed today. If he can stay clean and stick with it I will consider femara next cycle. If not then I dunno. I'm just done with this and need a break

 

[MKaykes]

Oh Belle I'm so sorry, you must be so angry! I can totally understand you wanting to take the cycle off from a strong effort.

It always seems to fall on us women, doesn't it? We're the ones who have to tell them what to do and make sure they are doing it...and I don't think that changes much when it comes to parenting either.

I was supposed to hear my progesterone results by 1 or 2 yesterday and never got the call. I wish it were like normal Dr's tests where if you don't hear anything it's good! Doesn't seem to be the case in the fertility world!

 

[MKaykes]

So they didn't get a large enough blood draw to do my progesterone, so won't know it this month. Just doing my supplements like every cycle.

This week has been crazy busy and the rest of the week should go quickly up until testing day! Don't feel really any different so not expecting anything but the usual negative I'm actually just ready to get through one more IUI and then having the talk about giving up... we can't afford any more at this point and if we wait until fall to do more after I've stated working full time again I fear the endo will have grown back more and our chances go down even more.

How are you ladies doing?

 

[WishnandHopn]

That's a bummer MK. Well it's probably a good level since your follicle was so big! I really hope this is your cycle. When will you test? It's hard and scary to start thinking about the "what ifs". Are you still thinking about changing clinics? I know you're not keen on IVF but would you guys consider doing a IUI cycle with injectibles instead of femara?

Belle how are you? I hope the break does you good if that's what you decide to do.

I'm doing ok. I am trying to forget my dpo, I won't test till next Friday so I have a bit of a wait. Luckily work is really busy so a good distraction. I'm feeling a bit calmer and less frantic this tww, but it's only the first week so there's still time for me to go nutso! We did all the IUI consent forms last week and they sent me a bunch of links to educational videos for us to watch and then we have to do a quiz to prove we are aware of the risks, etc. One of the videos is how to inject yourself. I'm dreading that part!

 

[BelleNuit]

MK I'm sorry that the "talk" seems to be looming. I am still hoping for a positive outcome for you!

Wishn you must be so excited to start IUI! I would also be dreading the injections!

AFM, DH and I are indeed taking a break. I'm just trying to think about it as little as possible, so I probably won't be on here too much this month.

 

[WishnandHopn]

Happy Friday ladies. How's everyone doing?

MK when are you planning to test? Any new symptoms?

I'm just hanging out smack dab in the middle of the tww. Going to try to keep really busy this weekend and next week and avoid testing till AF is due. I don't feel insane...yet...but there's time!