some people!

[Dopeyjopey]

Wow... i didn't know how much being single really affected me until i read 'that' post.

I was pretty much alone from week 18 of my pregnancy because FOB wasn't around much. From week 25 i was completely alone because i couldn't take it any more. Now A is here my heart aches constantly and I'd take back my ex, warts and all, if he'd have me. Not just for me, but because I can explain that FOB didn't love Mummy, but how can i explain why he rarely sees his own son? He comes round full of promises and then breaks them, but i'd rather A saw him once in a blue moon than never.

It breaks my heart that A will do something new and I have no partner to share that with. I will be living alone soon and am terrified of the evening time after A goes to bed where i know i'll be having a conversation in my head that i should be having with FOB.

Yes, i can understand that sometimes people feel like they're doing everything in a relationship but it doesn't compare to being emotionally alone raising a child.

 

[pinklightbulb]

Wow... i didn't know how much being single really affected me until i read 'that' post.

I was pretty much alone from week 18 of my pregnancy because FOB wasn't around much. From week 25 i was completely alone because i couldn't take it any more. Now A is here my heart aches constantly and I'd take back my ex, warts and all, if he'd have me. Not just for me, but because I can explain that FOB didn't love Mummy, but how can i explain why he rarely sees his own son? He comes round full of promises and then breaks them, but i'd rather A saw him once in a blue moon than never.

It breaks my heart that A will do something new and I have no partner to share that with. I will be living alone soon and am terrified of the evening time after A goes to bed where i know i'll be having a conversation in my head that i should be having with FOB.

Yes, i can understand that sometimes people feel like they're doing everything in a relationship but it doesn't compare to being emotionally alone raising a child.

I hope my post wasn't offensive. Just trying to put it across from the side of the fence where OH is in the picture, which as I said I am very grateful for, but is here only after I have gone to bed so I end up having conversations with four walls or in my head too. You can be emotionally alone in a relationship too. Not as much as a single mummy but it still is lonely to a degree.
(ETA spelling and clarification after I read back my post.)

 

[Dopeyjopey]

Pinklightbulb - you posted while i was typing (slowly on my phone!) and it wasn't your post that upset me.

I can completely see it from your point of view. FOB used to stay out for 5 days while i was pregnant aand it wasn't nice. But at least he was still 'there'. Now we've broken up, A has arrived, he has a new girlfriend and i know he isn't mine anymore. I had to take A to the doctor because he threw up black gunk and his dad didn't even reply to my text.

I have no choice but to have things the way they are. When someone is in a relationship there is the opportunity for ultimatum, there is the opportunity for change and there is the choice to stay. I would walk to the end of the earth to have those opportunities and choices but i know it wouldn't change a thing.

The worst of all is that i really need a hug and there's no one to give one. My friends all fell off the face of the earth and there's only my mum, who i have to be strong in front of or she'll insist i stay with her.

Sorry for the emotional post... i honestly didn't know how sad i was until i read this thread

 

[scottishgal89]

Pinklightbulb - you posted while i was typing (slowly on my phone!) and it wasn't your post that upset me.

I can completely see it from your point of view. FOB used to stay out for 5 days while i was pregnant aand it wasn't nice. But at least he was still 'there'. Now we've broken up, A has arrived, he has a new girlfriend and i know he isn't mine anymore. I had to take A to the doctor because he threw up black gunk and his dad didn't even reply to my text.

I have no choice but to have things the way they are. When someone is in a relationship there is the opportunity for ultimatum, there is the opportunity for change and there is the choice to stay. I would walk to the end of the earth to have those opportunities and choices but i know it wouldn't change a thing.

The worst of all is that i really need a hug and there's no one to give one. My friends all fell off the face of the earth and there's only my mum, who i have to be strong in front of or she'll insist i stay with her.

Sorry for the emotional post... i honestly didn't know how sad i was until i read this thread

 

[pinklightbulb]

Pinklightbulb - you posted while i was typing (slowly on my phone!) and it wasn't your post that upset me.

I can completely see it from your point of view. FOB used to stay out for 5 days while i was pregnant aand it wasn't nice. But at least he was still 'there'. Now we've broken up, A has arrived, he has a new girlfriend and i know he isn't mine anymore. I had to take A to the doctor because he threw up black gunk and his dad didn't even reply to my text.

I have no choice but to have things the way they are. When someone is in a relationship there is the opportunity for ultimatum, there is the opportunity for change and there is the choice to stay. I would walk to the end of the earth to have those opportunities and choices but i know it wouldn't change a thing.

The worst of all is that i really need a hug and there's no one to give one. My friends all fell off the face of the earth and there's only my mum, who i have to be strong in front of or she'll insist i stay with her.

Sorry for the emotional post... i honestly didn't know how sad i was until i read this thread

I don't know what to say hun except I'm so sorry for you and that must be really awful for you. You're a better woman than me I would be a mess and a half. Lots of hugs for you hun.

 

[andbabymakes3]

I totally agree with the OP, I have had to bite my tongue on many occasions when people compare a crap or selfish OH to being a single mum.

There is NO comparison. At all. Being a single mum is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever done. Aside from the sheer exhaustion of not having someone else to do simple things - like keep an eye on LO whilst you do dinner/put washing on/have a shower. Having to deal with LO's illness on your own. Having to constantly look after LO when you are ill.

Regardless of what your OH does which makes you feel like a single parent (ha), you still have a warm body to snuggle up to at night, you have someone to talk to about the amazing things your LO does each day, you have someone to run thoughts past when your LO starts having tantrums etc.

And you still know that if the sh!t hits the pan, you have someone there to help you through it. Oh, and you have someone to go out to work to earn money so that you can stay at home with your baby, if you so choose.

 

[andbabymakes3]

This evening has reinforced why I get annoyed at the comparisons...

Holly hasn't been too well this last week, bit chesty and a cough, and last night I found a lump in her neck. So I rang to get her an emergency doc app, then 10 mins before we were due to leave the house she started throwing up - and I mean EVERYWHERE. She was really upset, we were both covered in sick because I was holding her rubbing her back whilst she was being sick.

Anyway - I realised there was no way I could get us both cleaned, changed, in the car and to the docs within 10 mins, and I didn't want to put her down in case she got upset and made herself more sick. So I rang her dad and left him a vm saying to come round a.s.a.p - 10 mins later, nothing - so I texted - then rang again. I explained what had happened and said I needed a hand, to which he replied - I'm busy, can't you do this on your own? Which I told him (in a not very polite way) that I needed him to help out. He came, held her for a few mins whilst I cleaned the sick off the floor, got us both cleaned etc - and he followed us to the docs surgery.

Anyway (sorry for the waffle, I'm FURIOUS!), after 5 mins, he said 'I haven't got all night to be sat around waiting in a docs surgery, I'm going home' - and left us both there. She was sick again after he left, we waited an hour and 20 mins to be seen (turns out she has a cold, swollen glands and a slight ear infection). I tried to ring him when we came out to let him know what is wrong with her, he ignored the phone, then texted saying 'leave me a voicemail, I'm too busy to talk'.

I have just put Holly to bed, and am going to sleep on her room floor in case she is sick through the night and she needs me.

I have meetings in the morning, starting at 9. I have no family, my friends can't help in case it gets passed back to their little ones, so once again, it's just me and my girl.

So - when your day sounds like this, when you are totally and utterly on your own with your baby, when there is nobody else to help you clean up the sick, or to rock her to sleep, or to make you a cup of tea because you are so tired and upset you could just cry - or even just to give you a cuddle - then you can compare yourself to a single parent.

 

[suzanne108]

Awww I hope Holly is OK in the night xx

 

[scottishgal89]

I hope Holly is better soon.
Your ex sounds like a total arse!!

 

[AppleBlossom]

I have been in a relationship where I felt totally alone and my ex treated me like shit. But being a single mum is a million times harder so I agree

 

[andbabymakes3]

It's only when it's 'hard' that I feel it. Most of the time, I love it - everything she is, everything she has and everything she does is because of me (and her, she is amazing!).

He is an arse. He was an arse when I was with him - I just tried to excuse a lot because I wanted to keep my family together. But she loves him, so I will bite my tongue for the sake of their relationship.

Thanks for the nice messages - she is fast asleep now, calpol/nurofened up and snoring away. x

 

[forgodssake]

I hope your little one is better soon.

Although as for the comparison if this had been my LO when I was WITH my ex the story would have been exactly the same.

It's not a "who has it harder" game - every situation has to be judged on it's own merit. I would chose to be a single mum EVERY time over being with my ex and as I have been I think I am qualified to make that comparison.

 

[Dopeyjopey]

I hope your little one is better soon.

Although as for the comparison if this had been my LO when I was WITH my ex the story would have been exactly the same.

It's not a "who has it harder" game - every situation has to be judged on it's own merit. I would chose to be a single mum EVERY time over being with my ex and as I have been I think I am qualified to make that comparison.

I completely agree with you. However, it stings to hear people say 'my Oh works 10 hours a day 6 days a week, i feel like a single parent.' I work out that means they still have approx 108 hours a week with an OH there. That's over 5,500 hours more support a year than a single parent. I'm in no way denying some relationships are worse than being single... it's the example above that hurts!

 

[forgodssake]

I totally agree BUT I think that should be also made clear in the posts - especially in a room full of pregnant women

The OP took offence at things she was reading because of the way the had been worded but some of the replies "in her favour" are written in the same vain.

EVERYONE needs to be conscious of how the word things - especially the written word.


I hope that makes sense.

I hope your little one is better soon.

Although as for the comparison if this had been my LO when I was WITH my ex the story would have been exactly the same.

It's not a "who has it harder" game - every situation has to be judged on it's own merit. I would chose to be a single mum EVERY time over being with my ex and as I have been I think I am qualified to make that comparison.

I completely agree with you. However, it stings to hear people say 'my Oh works 10 hours a day 6 days a week, i feel like a single parent.' I work out that means they still have approx 108 hours a week with an OH there. That's over 5,500 hours more support a year than a single parent. I'm in no way denying some relationships are worse than being single... it's the example above that hurts!

 

[cuteboots]

I was a single parent with my eldest I literally have no family and know how alone and how hard it is, its the toughest job in the world only made harder by people who look down their nose at you and blame you for the downfall of society, ive been embarrassed by people just because I was a single parent, when I wanted to scream that I wasn't the dead beat parent, Im the one that is sticking by my son working all the bloody hours for him.
I now have 2 other children and while OH isn't hands on with Lo's and I am with them 24/7 it is NOT like being a single parent, I do now have someone to tell what the Lo's have been upto.
Being a single parent is so heartbreaking at times, its so painful when you realise that your lo has done something and you've no one at the end of the day to share that with. My eldest has grown up to be someone im so proud of and because we were on our own we have a special relationship.
You're right anyone who has never been a single parent will never knowhow hard it is but I dont think they mean offence its just a thoughtless comparison x

 

[andbabymakes3]

It's not a "who has it harder" game - every situation has to be judged on it's own merit. I would chose to be a single mum EVERY time over being with my ex and as I have been I think I am qualified to make that comparison.

No, you are right - it's not a who has it harder game. We are all mums, and we all find it hard at different times for different reasons.

But I really really find it offensive when somebody who has an OH who works long hours, or who is a gamer, or who doesn't do housework, or who is generally just a bit of a slack, useless bloke, compares themselves to a single parent. Spend a day in my shoes (or the sheos of any single parent for that matter) - in fact, no - spend a month in our shoes - then come back and tell me how hard you've got it.

ETA - Not directed at you fgs, I just quoted you to reply to your first point.

 

[gemabee]

when i made this thread it was never intended as a 'who has it harder thread' (even if my pregnancy hormones gave that impression)... as i repeated myself (quite a few times) - everything is relative... i wasn't sayin that bein a single parent was ultimately harder than bein a parent in a relationship.
i was simply statin how annoyin it was when women who normally had lovin relationships / or has oh's who worked a lot... dared to use the statement 'i feel like a single mum' / 'i would prefer to be a single mum'... one example that made my blood boil was when a couple were arguin what to call their baby... so the woman said she wished she was a single mum so she could do what she wanted!!!

generally speakin the majority of single mums (or dads) DO have it harder than parents who are in a relationship.
as proved by 'andbabymakes3'... also proved by the fact that i am havin to move out of my home / go back to work a few months after baby is born / generally cry myself to sleep over finances... i would do anythin to have a partner out workin nd ensurin the bills are bein paid.

i have never found anythin more difficult in my entire life than the last few months of pregnancy, completely by myself, i live away from friends nd family nd cannot remember the last time anyone walked through my front door. i haven't left the house for the best part of a week nd i've have been completely alone... i would have done anythin for a bit of support nd love... i would have done anythin to have someone to shout at / argue with / cook for / pick up dirty socks of!
- so i thought bein single nd pregnant was hard... i still have the hardest part to come.

this post is half to clarify the original post... nd half to have a rant!!

good mornin ladies

 

[bloodbinds]

What does annoy me when people say they have the worst OH in the world, when he's done practically nothing wrong. You think you have the worst OH? Trying being one of us single mummies where we have had our OHs abandon us and our LOs. Lol. But that really does sounds like a 'we have it worst' argument. But it is all relative. There are woman in abusive relationships that definitely have it worse!
But when people complain about their OH working an extra hour or two, then comparing themselves to a single mummy, i just have to bite my tongue from saying 'ohh, you have noooooo idea!'

But it is also fun when you see people complaining about their OH and i smile and think 'at least i dont have to deal with that!' Lol.

 

[Missy86]

The thing I think people in a relationship have to remember is that even if your Oh works all hours he is doing it to provide for you and your babies, also he will come home to you after for a cuddle.
We dont really have that much to complain about

 

[lou_w34]

Ohhh i think i would give my right arm for a lazy slob who did nothing... i would pick up his dirty socks all day long so long as at night he would give me a cuddle in bed and a little chat when LO is asleep so the night times dont feel so lonely.

There are so many types of parents, and im not saying any have it easy, but from my experiance it can be so lonely, especially when (like babymakes3 said) you have a ill baby, or you feel so ill yourself, all you want to do is sleep, but you have to drag yourself out of bed to make sure LO is well looked after!

I do love being a single mummy, very much so, but there are certain aspects of it that make me wish i had a partner, even one who does nothing! lol

xxx