Support Group failed IVF/ICSI IUI or any failed assisted conceptions 2014

[Azreal]

Just wanted to say Hi to everyone and keep hanging in there.
Lou and Lolly - you two are a godsend... just so compassionate and understanding.
We had a failed 4th try about a month ago now (see previous posts) and it took 2 weeks to get over the acute grief but there's still a big hole. I have been feeling really tired and unusually flat the past 10 days or so and when I went to see the acupuncturist she told me me I had an 'empty pulse' and that my 'chi' was depleted - whatever it is I hope she can fix it because I feel like I'm dragging myself around. I hope you are all looking after yourselves both physically and mentally.
We're going to have a 5th and possibly final round in Dec. If that doesn't work we have tentatively spoken about an egg donor but I don't know I want to go down that road. Adoption is not really an option here in Australia with all the rules and regulations. We might look at fostering but I guess we will have to wait and see.
Take lots of care x

 

[Lolly1985]

Hello ladies

I hope everyone is 'hanging in there'. Easier said than done at times.

Nell, I've never really had any treatment for the endo. I had a cyst removed in 2007 but I was having a lap and was under at the time so think they just did it while they were in there!! I have had zolodex injections x 3 (1 a month) to try and shrink the cysts which worked but then with all the meds they just grow again. I had many last time and was scared they would cancel the cycle but they just monitored me more closely and then drained then during EC. I suspect than when I have a scan in about 10 days time I will have more but it has never stopped the treatment commensing and follicles growing. I know their presence is not the reason this isn't working and the docs don't seem too worried so I go with that. It may well be though I would be treated very differently at another clinic

Hi Azreal! I'm very sorry you are so down at the moment. It can be like a numbness, I found it took time to feel 'normal' again after a failed cycle. Well, saying that I don't think I ever feel 100% normal but you know what I mean. I hope your acupuncture can help you, I have never had it and have heard good things so fingers crossed for you.

I had my appointment on Thursday and got all my meds. Our clinics policy regarding ET has changed in the last month. They now take the embies to blasts if they are of good quality, before it was eaither 2 or 3dt. Our last one was 'poerfect' so that may have been an option but who knows if it would have changed anything. I also asked about the bleeding starting a week after transfer both times and whether that was normal on progesterone. I said it seemed so unfair that weeks of time and emotion were ploughed into 6 days of hope before it all being lost. She was very sweet but said that each woman is different and that the only thing to change my response to the progesterone would be for the embryo to stick. Its just a sad fact that if it doesn't within the set time I will just bleed very early. She asked if it was my last try and I said yes and she looked really sad for me, which kind of annoyed me and I don't know why...

Anyway I went back to uni today for my final year, it seems a good tool to get my mind on to other things. Can't believe my degree is in early years though

Lou, how are you holding up at the moment? I hope you are having as good a weekend as possible and are not torturing yourself too much.

Delly, how are you?

Love to everyone, Lolly xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[mrssunshine78]

i have found that acupuncture is helping a little, i don't feel as sad and empty as normal, i feel like i'm stuck in limbo at the moment because my fsh is high they wont give me treatment, my consultant keeps telling me i'm young, i certainly don't feel like i am in fertility terms at 33, so he's not really prepared to do anything but wait and see if it comes down over the next few months pretty depressing really as i feel like life is on hold.

nell i'm so sorry your cycle has failed, are they prepared to do any more indepth testing such as immunes?

delly i'm sorry your cycle failed too, this whole process is just so heartbreaking.

good luck with your cycle lolly

hope everyone else is ok too

 

[Wallie]

Hi Ladies,

I hear what you are all saying and I'm going through the motions and emotions just now. I have my consultant follow up appt this Tuesday to review our 2nd failed cycle. Did anyone get anything positive out of their 2nd review when they had it, I feel like he'll just say it was bad luck?

 

[Lou32]

Hi Wallie, I meant to let you know about our follow-up but I think I forgot...Consultant said as we got more eggs this time (21) the embryos were not as good quality so he believes the embryos died in me. I've since requested copies of our notes and the 12 that fertilised started grade 1 and 2 but turned into 2s by day 3.Altho we had 2 early blasts on day 5 and all made it to day 5,the quality was bad. He suggested lowering my dose of Gonal F to get fewer eggs which should make better embryos. Thing is he totally blamed my eggs, but said there was no evidence to suggest it was them. OH's sperm was terrible too, but he dismissed that may be the problem. He also said immune tests were a waste of money as they're not proven. He agreed to do a hysteroscopy to check all ok. Anyway, we ignored him and are going to see the immune doc at Care in 2 weeks for advice. OH also going to have sperm dna fragmentation test.....Lolly, that's exactly my fear with adoption. £15k...it upsets me so much how much it's crippling us financially to get what most people get for free.I think i'd prefer that option though.Hope things going well for you with this cycle xxx We go on hols to Fuerteventura tomorrow. Really wish I was excited but can't seem to feel happy about anything at mo. Pathetic, I kno! Take care everyone xxx

 

[Nayla82]

Hi Ladies

Sorry for everyone that is in here, Some of you may know me from earlier on in the year, and I can see theres a few new names.. Love to you all and so sorry again were in this gloomy part of the forum...

A quick update since my 2nd Failed ICSI in June I have been getting worse with every passing day.. it really took me my surprise the grief and pain that I am feeling, Than in july my luck I broke my right arm fell in the swimming pool, Only now its getting much better...

My follow up Wallie was 'its bad luck i am a victim of statistic' she did say she would like to do a Hysteroscopy the biopsy of my Uterus to make sure nothing is there? even though with both cycles my Uterus has always been fine and my progesterone has been perfect?

She did suggest we do Kerotype blood test which my husband has refused to do saying i dont need no more shit and surprises! what will be will be... i said they need to check that were compatible and the eggs and sperms are connecting well and theres nothing sinister as the embryos might look great to the eye but inside it could me all messy... he said say if it comes back that we cant have kids together and we have abnormal DNA I dont need that!
In Regards to immune testing she is very relaxed saying all i can give is Steroids that i gave you anyway for your last IVF.. So what ever Immune testing we do.. Steriods will be the only thing you will take??

I dont know do any of you women have a gut feeling what it is?? i just feel with me the seconds she puts the embryos back they die?? i mean i just dont even feel there ok or even trying to stick?? last time the nurse was coughing her lungs out while the dr was doing the transfer? the Dr had to tell her keep still with the ultrasound wand, She could have contaminated my potential babies! sometimes i even feel the quality of my embryos maybe were very bad and just to make me happy as we have paid so much they say 8 Cells excellent grade... in total i have had four 8 cells best of grades why didnt even 1 try to stick? my husband said i should not think like this this its UK they have laws and will not lie! i just have sick things in my head.. and sometimes i feel like cutting a picture of my Doctor and throwing darts at it! i know shes here to help me... at the same time im so angry that she is failing me time and time again

I have taken unpaid leave of work, as im not in a 'happy place' at the moment and my husband has booked me in for some Therapy.. About positive thinking and being in control, and im just hoping she will help me out in my head i know the way im feeling mentally a 3rd iVF is a no no.. im hoping to give it a try in the new year, in the meantime my goal is a healthy mind... MARCH and JUNE 2 fresh Failed IVFS so close has shook me so badly and I cry up to 4 times a day and i refuse to be on Anti-Depressants, only now im feeling the intensity of the pain... i have read time and time again if after the 3rd failed cycle the success rates decline alot! and if the 3rd one fails i think mentally it will kill me....

So sorry for my thoughts... not a happy camper at the moment and i dont think theres anything or anyone in this world that can make me happy unless im a mom... a little extreme i know... being a mum is my one and only dream...

I hope our dreams come true,,, love to u all x

 

[Wallie]

Well I've just had my review with my doctor. Nothing suggests why it didn't work. We had a good cycle, alot better than last (not difficult) had two Grade 4, 8 cell embies put back and they just didn't work. Maybe they never made it as the other 6 did not make it to blast to freeze. Next time depending on quality and quantity they may leave until day 5..eek!

We are getting more blood tests done, I can't remember them all, only one for blood clotting, I'll update when I know the results but she assumes all will be negative.

So we try again in the new year hopefully, same protocol as last and maybe go to day 5 for transfer.

They don't support immune testing or killer cell testing as the FDA don't have supporting evidence that these are true.

Anyway, 12 long weeks before I probably start IVF again... Please let this work, I just don't know what's going to happen if it doesn't work. This is so depressing.

 

[Wallie]

Nayla you seem in a horrible place just now. I do hope the positive thinking therapy works for you.

 

[Lolly1985]

Hi ladies, I found this on another thread and thought it was lovely...
What do I think is meant by my infertility?

I think it is so my partner and I grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think we are meant to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think it is meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think it is meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, it is not that we are never meant for to not have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less travelled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, I am meant to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let myself down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think I have been singled out for a special treatment. I think I am meant to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me why I have been handed infertility. I already know."

Lolly xxxxxxx

 

[pk2of8]

hello ladies...

i have read through every word on this thread. i can't believe i am posting here. i saw this thread and avoided it like the plague all through my stimming/2ww for my first icsi cycle. nothing to do with you special women or trying to keep pma...i just didn't want to face the fear that beset me every time i thought it might not work. i can completely relate to every feeling and word you all have shared. the emotions of dealing with this really take you through the ringer. i guess i should give you a little info about me...

i'm 35, dh is 41. we have been ttc since we got married in May 2010, but were ntnp for a year before that. i have 4 children from a previous marriage, so because of that i get mixed responses from anyone who finds out that we're ttc and then going through ivf/icsi on top of that. but dh has no children, and it is my dream to have a baby with him. i love him with all my heart...he wants the experience of having his own bio little one, but if it doesn't happen, he says he's content with "ours" as well. how can i not love this man? well, dh has severe mfi. his last SA just prior to our ivf was total count = 300,000. dh's diagnosis is testicular failure. he has very high levels of fsh and the doc says it's basically a miracle that he still produces any sperm at all, but his counts have been progressively, significantly worse over the past year. down from 22 million total count, which was clearly extremely low to begin with. i'm classed as "secondary infertility" due to my previous pg's. we suspect i have endometriosis due to symptoms, but we haven't tested for that b/c RE says the ivf bypasses the issues it causes. we've both had karyotyping and genetic testing, etc...all came back normal. all my hormone levels have always been in the normal range, but i can't shake the feeling that something isn't "right" with me. i feel like having this failed ivf/icsi just proves it.

some days i'm "okay"...just getting through. other days, i can't get beyond this overwhelming sadness. dh is trying so hard to be supportive. he's disappointed, but he's not one to express his feelings as much.

anyway, we did a pretty standard protocol i think. down reg'ed with bcp's for 6 weeks. then got af and started lupron. then after 2 weeks of lupron, added stims. 300 units Follistim and 20 units low dose HCG. stimmed for 10 days, then 250mcg Ovidrel trigger. ER we got only 5 eggs, and only 3 were mature, but with the icsi, all 3 fertilized. i don't know yet what grade the embies were at transfer, but my doc said they were all "beautiful and strong, growing great!" we transferred all 3, never imagining we'd end up with nothing. it's so devastating...the whole process. and to come out of it with no frosties whatsoever...it has totally left me feeling completely defeated.

to make it worse, we have to pay out of pocket for everything except testing/diagnostics. our doc thought we had a great prognosis going into this and felt we had a strong chance for success on our first cycle, so we decided to pay for only one cycle. i am regretting that more by the day. now we are in a place where i am not ready to give up! where i just feel like, how can THIS be the end??? and we don't have a way to pay for another full cycle, much less a shared risk or "guarantee" program without putting ourselves in financial risk. the cycle plus meds, plus copays for testing, etc etc cost us nearly $15K!!!! when I think we could have had two more fresh cycles for about 6K more (instead of now being in a position where we have to start over) i want to just scream and kick myself for it!!!!

i'm so angry and hurt and depressed and upset and sad and just so many other emotions. sometimes i just burst into tears. other times i can't cry if i tried or wanted to. and i have SO MANY questions. our follow-up appointment (btw, i've seen on other boards this referred to as the "wtf" appt...I do rather like that name for it), is not until the 24th Oct. it feels forever away still, and i'm thinking of rescheduling as dh and i are talking about taking the kids down to disney for a weekend to get away and try to relax, and the weekend of the 24th would be the best one for us to do it. so i would have to reschedule our wtf appointment, which i'm somewhat reluctant to do.

i believe i had a chemical, which alone is its own devastating feeling...to be so close. i had a bfn frer at 6dp3dt and a negative beta at 9dp3dt. not very early, but just possibly. my clinic didn't give me an hcg level so i don't know. but i wasn't bleeding so they told me to continue on the meds until the regular testing date. i didn't test at all again for a week. 7 days, during which i had what i think was a late implant and then chemical. at 19dpo, i took another frer. i chose not to do another beta b/c why pay another copay, be late for work, and wait 6 hours with through the roof anxiety?? anyway, the frer was bfn at 3 minutes, so i put it away and didn't look at it again until 3 days later...this past wed. there was a 2nd line, faint but defo there...even dh could see it clearly. i had already started af. it was like reliving the pain brand new all over again. i'm positive it's not an evap. i have NEVER had an evap on a frer before. i know some women say they have, but i think it is the rare exception to the rule. i think i caught it on the way back down and if i had tested in those 7 days i would have had a clear bfp. it just hurts so bad knowing it's gone.

i've always been a "clotter"...i told dh i want the doc to do immunity testing. i don't know if we'll find anything or if it will make a difference. i don't know if the doc will even agree. and i want to know why, if all my levels are "normal", why would i be a "low responder" to the stims and get only 3 mature eggs?? it makes no sense to me. i'm scared to death we won't be able to work out a way financially to try again. we're talking and trying to figure it out, but it seems like just a pipe dream doomed to failure at the moment.

i'm sorry i've written a book here. there's just so much that needs to be gotten out. you ladies are an amazing group, and i admire your perseverance and determination. i pray we all get our little miracles and blessings very soon. it has been encouraging to me to see that some have gone on to get a bfp. i pray that will be us too...

 

[Mokie]

Help guys! Yesterday I had ER and 10 mature eggs were recovered .... ICSI was done even though my husband's sperm is fine.... Today dr said none of the eggs "took" and we see tomorrow if there is any late fertilization?!?!?!


Can I be hopeful or is this over?!?!
Every test I did was perfect.... This blows my mind with sadness!

 

[ILuvBabies200]

Help guys! Yesterday I had ER and 10 mature eggs were recovered .... ICSI was done even though my husband's sperm is fine.... Today dr said none of the eggs "took" and we see tomorrow if there is any late fertilization?!?!?!


Can I be hopeful or is this over?!?!
Every test I did was perfect.... This blows my mind with sadness!

Oh no!! I'm so sorry!!!

 

[pk2of8]

Help guys! Yesterday I had ER and 10 mature eggs were recovered .... ICSI was done even though my husband's sperm is fine.... Today dr said none of the eggs "took" and we see tomorrow if there is any late fertilization?!?!?!


Can I be hopeful or is this over?!?!
Every test I did was perfect.... This blows my mind with sadness!

I don't really know what to tell you sweetie. I think it's impossible not to try to be hopeful when it's something we so desperately want. I wish I had an answer for you but sending you massive hugs

 

[Wallie]

Help guys! Yesterday I had ER and 10 mature eggs were recovered .... ICSI was done even though my husband's sperm is fine.... Today dr said none of the eggs "took" and we see tomorrow if there is any late fertilization?!?!?!


Can I be hopeful or is this over?!?!
Every test I did was perfect.... This blows my mind with sadness!

I don't want to give you too much hope but my first round we did normal IVF as hubbys sperm was fine. Next day none had fertilised, it was so distressing. We got an emergency appt with consultant on the second day of EC and whilst travelling I phoned and the clinic told me one had fertilised. We got that transfered on day 2 when we got there. However it didn't work.

So, you may still get one that's fertilised, I hope so anyway.

Best of luck!

 

[Wallie]

Pk2of8,

Thanks for posting although in these difficult circumstances I'm not sure I should be thanking you!

I can understand why you're so disappointed, so can everyone on this thread. Just try to get through each day and be thankful you have a wonderful considerate and caring husband and also be grateful that you have already got 4 LO's already. Also be thankful that you've had the "chance" to try to give your OH a child although it didn't work.

Take care of yourselves and a trip to Disney sounds just the ticket for the family, I know that would do me the world of good (at any time). Love, love, love Florida too, you're so lucky living in wonderful place.

 

[Lou32]

Hi everyone,
We got back off our hols last week and had our follow-up at Care the day after. Basically, they went through all the immune tests with us and we decided to go ahead and get the whole lot done. We weren't going to, because of the cost, but it worked at £2.5K in the end, which is less than I'd previously been quoted for level 1 and 2, so we just decided to go for it. As the doc explained, it's better to know before going through another £5K cycle that doesn't work. I really want to start our third try in January, so we might have to stick it on a credit card as we won't have saved enough by then.
Things are not good at the moment though...OH's job is not safe and he's been told he will find out around Christmas time if he's to be made redundant. That would seriously affect the finances and I've no idea how we would afford tht third ICSI then.

One other thing the doc confirmed was that PCO can affect egg quality. The gynaecologists I've seen before have NEVER said this before and I can't understand why two docs have now told me this. It now feels like we're in an impossible situation and it will never work. It was bad enough knowing that just OH's sperm were crap.

Our hol was OK, but from the moment we arrived at the airport I knew I wasn't going to be able to leave all the upset behind. The place was full of couples with prams and so was our hotel. There were babies and toddlers everywhere. I honestly think we were the only couple under 40 that didn't have a baby - it was that bad. OH said that wasn't true and that there were a couple of others, but out of a whole hotel! It was heartbreaking.
I just seem to be getting more and more depressed with each day. I'm terrified of what this is doing to us.
Take care everyone xxx

PS - Lolly - really hope the stims are going well.

 

[Lolly1985]

Hi ladies

Lou - i'm sorry holiday was a bit upsetting. Eugh, I know what you mean. Babies and beautiful kiddies are everywhere! It can be heartbreaking. I was at uni on thursday and overheard 2 girls talking about why they had their babies. One said she did because it was the trend at the time and the other said it was becuase she couldn't afford to go on holiday that year so she thought it would be a cheaper way of having some fun Stupid ignorant people

Glad to hear you have made a decision going forward for tests etc. I pray that hubbie gets good news with his job. Its such a hard time and always a worry in this climate. As if there isn't enough on your plate. Sweetie, we are here to talk any time. I was only thinking of you this morning and hoping you were feeling a bit better. The positive is you have your plans now so you go girl

Mokie, I am so so sorry you have going through this tough time I really hope that you get a story like Wallie's and just maybe there may be some good news tomorrow. Thinking of you

Pk2, sorry you have had to join us here Its so awful when your dreams are taken away. DH sounds so great though. I know its hard but please try to stay strong for your family and be thankful for your darling children. Surround yourself with them and i'm sure they will put a smile back on your face.

Hi Wallie, and everyone else on this tough journey.

AFM... day 7 of stimms today. So far my bloods have been good. First scan tomorrow. Don't know how I feel about it. DP has admitted he doesn't think it will work either this time. I know that sounds terrible but in a weird way it makes me feel better as I now feel less pressured, and know he is not in total denial. I always was scared that if it didn't work and that was it, he would crumble as he has always been so positive. Today he said that he feels good that soon we can draw a line under all of this one way or another. Its a nice thought that we will go into the new year knowing what we are doing. It will work or it won't. He is looking more into adoption and sounding positive so I feel ok. Of course I would love love love it to work , but I have to be realistic. i think knowing that I will have my family one way or another helps me through this hard time.

Love to you all, Lolly xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Lou32]

Oh Lolly, I really do hope it works for you. Your OH sounds strong like you. There's no way mine would look into adoption, or anything else for that matter, on his own - not that he's totally against it - but he just follows whatever I want to do. He says he just wants to make me happy and, if I didn't want kids at all, he probably wouldn't be bothered. He's already said that kids aren't everything to him, whereas they really are to me.
I do sometimes wish my OH would have an opinion and pursue it like I do. It feels like I'm on my own and he's just following along...
Don't get me wrong, he's taking every supplement possible and has done everying I've asked of him, but he just seems to get on with life, whereas as I can't seem to.
Really do have everything crossed for you. x

 

[Lolly1985]

Thank you Lou

DH just wants to make you happy, It's the maternal instinct that makes our need so strong. DP is great but has taken a while to come on board, i'll be honest. He was so positive for so long, maybe a bit naive, like IVF was the 'miracle cure that couldn't fail'. They all just want us to be happy, and them in turn. Just different ways of dealing with things I guess

 

[pk2of8]

Thank you wallie...I LOVE living in FL too. I've lived here my whole life and nothing beats it imho. And Disney is my favey place in the whole world!! and please don't misunderstand me...I am SO grateful for my children. I just can't explain it other than that if dh and I don't have a child together of our own, there will always be that gap there. A hole that never was filled and will always leave me with the feeling of sadness that there was this one miraculous part of life that we weren't blessed to have together...that being creating life together.

Lou, I'm glad you decided to go ahead with the testing. I'm curious what you'll learn from it as I'm wondering if I have something going in with that myself. Does it take long to get the results back? It is hard to enjoy yourself when you feel like so much reminds you of the pain you're feeling. I'm sorry you weren't really able to enjoy your holiday that way that sucks.

Lolly, really I'm glad you ladies are here. How terrible does that sound?? But I mean it helps to know others understand. Again, please don't get me wrong...I am so thankful for my children. It's just not about having them or not having them but rather the desire to have a child with dh now. That our family doesn't feel complete right now. That our desire is to have a little one that is a part of both of us and the incredible pain of facing that that might not be possible. Well I know you girls understand that feeling. it sounds like your stims are going great so far. I know you don't have any hope much to speak of for this cycle, but I'm praying you'll have your miracle one way or the other. What a relief that your dh has shared his feelings with you and relieved some of the pressure you feel!! maybe that's just what you needed!