^^^ have you thought about getting help? It doesn't sound like you're coping well! Hugs x
Yeah, I've been seen for it, and it turns out my anxiety can be linked to low estrogen... Apparently, you can even have psychotic thoughts with an estrogen imbalance!! Fortunately I'm not that bad!
And unfortunately, I can't be treated for my hormone imbalance until my LO is done breastfeeding, because the risk that she'd get the hormone is too high.
So, LO over my own wellbeing, for the next 8.5 months at least..
(Btw, had to mention, I love the name Elsie.. It was on my list!)
I have horrible thoughts...espeically when LO was really tiny for example when i was bathing him i would be thinking about all the things i read of people drowning their babies...its a horrible thort i know but i was thinking how awful it wud be if i jus held him under the water that wud be it ! i know i know wtf am i thinking!!!!!! i wud never do it obviusly and i hate myself for thinking horrible thoughts...i think ive watched too much tv and read too many horror stories about people doing such f***ing horrible horrible stuff to babies...why is it i thought of these things?? i am so ashamed to say i feel like the worst mum in the world and i feel like i am the only one that thinks these things!! i love my baby more than anything in the whole world!!! wtf is wrong with me
xxxx
I just wanted to tell you there is something called pure O OCD, which is just obsessive thoughts. A very common one is the thought of harming ones child, but it's more like a fear of the thought of harming ones child. It works like this - you are bathing your baby and you think, what if I drown my baby? This is normal as thoughts come and go in our brain, for example, as you mention, due to tv shows etc. A healthy brain then thinks - what a horrible idiotic thought, I'd never do that! and changes subjects. An OCD brain thinks - omg, why did I just think that? does that mean I want to harm my baby? and a vicious cycle of thoughts, guilt, fear and obsessive thinking begins. People with this OCD would never actually commit the act they are obsessing over, it doesn't mean they want to do it, it's like a brain hiccup. Another common one is the thought of running someone over while driving or steering into oncoming traffic, jumping off a bridge or tall place, etc.
Anyway, I bring this up because I had pure O ocd issues a few years ago and it took me a while to find out what it was since I didn't have any compulsions and I thought that I was just a horrible person. I'm not saying you have this, I just thought I'd write this down in case someone might find it helpful.
I was going to say the same thing before your reply. Also known as obsessive thoughts or intrusive thoughts. It can also include unwanted sexual thoughts (including things that you find revolting) just incase anybody has these too and was too ashamed to say. It's not your fault, you're not a horrible person and it's simply a chemical inbalance in the brain - a medical illness.
I first remember O thoughts when I was about 17 and my nephew was born, I was always obsessed with cot death and used to think that if I talked about it or researched I would make it happen. It was horrendous and I used to sob myself to sleep everynight thinking he was going to die but too afraid to say anything incase I made it happen.
I get the oncoming traffic thing too. It's not an urge but more like a sudden "What would happen if I just swerved out in front of those cars?" it repeats over and over in my head, I can barely think about anything else until my hearts pounding and I can barely breathe! Also things like crossing the road with LO I grip the pushchair really tightly incase I let go or push the pram onto the road.
Anyway, when I was on Citalopram most of the thoughts went away (or maybe they were still there but just not as noticeable for me). xx
Yes i have the unwanted horrible sexual thoughts towards LO and also towards other men lol but i think the 2nd one is natural
and i also get the "what happens if i swerve" i also get the "if i let go of the buggy"
i used to think that if i deleted pictures of my LO on my phone or camera, he would die...geese what are we like? xx
You are like my long lost twin! I've taken crappy/blurry pics of my LO and been terrified to delete them incase I make something bad happen. I took one of LO sleeping in the bath which was supposed to be cute but when I printed it it came out blue as I had ran out of ink. LO looked dead and I thought it was a message or a warning and was too frightened to rip up the pictures. The ladies on here convinced me to rip it up and throw it away.
I've also had when LO was born thinking I had to go in and check on her at exactly certain times to stop something bad happening to her.
I have read a lot on the OCD thoughts and I have never come across anyone who has acted on them. When I get the thoughts about swerving etc. I play out a whole horrible scenario in my head of crashing, getting LO out, being airlifted to hospital, intensive care, funeral etc. It's awful.
Don't be frightened of the thoughts, we just have faulty brains! Don't push the thoughts away but don't dwell on them too much either. They are only thoughts and can't hurt you, once a particular thought stops causing you panic and anxiety it will go away.
Citalopram manages my OCD very well but I think what's helped more is reading hundreds of articles on obsessive thoughts. Now as soon as I get one I think "No, that's just OCD talking" and it passes. The thoughts don't scare me anymore as I know what they are. If it's really frightening or obsessing I find that saying it outloud or writing it down until it doesn't scare you really helps.
If they ever interfere with your life you should speak to your DR, citalopram or sertraline can really help these thoughts. Hugs xx
Back on topic, my bad Mummy confession of the day -
LO is learning to walk and has been walking holding onto one of my fingers. But sometimes she goes too quick for me and falls and I don't catch her quickly enough so she is covered in bumps and bruises! xx
She ended up waking up so I put her in her swing and she went back to sleep.
