The Choice to Formula Feed

[Noelle610]

So lately I've been thinking about how tough it is to be a formula feeding mom and I'm curious to know your thoughts.

I had difficulty breastfeeding and exclusively pumped for 6 months. It was quite honestly awful and when I switched to formula at 6 months I could not have been happier.

That said, I live in a very pro-breastfeeding community - which is great! - but I felt like I had to justify myself all of the time. The truth is I did have a lot of hurdles in terms of breastfeeding that were health related, but I wonder why I felt the need to explain this?

I've just been thinking that formula feeding is a perfectly valid choice. I feel like women feel the need to justify it. A poor latch, lack of supply, reflux issues, etc are all valid reasons not to breastfeed. BUT I also think it's fine to formula feed if you just don't want to breastfeed for whatever reason - you have a toddler and don't feel right taking the time to cluster feed, you don't want to pump at work, you just plain don't like it!

I do wonder... If we were more honest about our reasons not to breastfeed, would formula feeding be less taboo? I really think I could have breastfed had a "tried" harder. I'm not one of the 5% (or whatever it is) with no supply. But you know what? My baby had reflux and colic, she never slept, I saw three lactation consultants that couldn't help and I was too depressed and exhausted to see a fourth. Looking back, I wonder if I would have been happier had I just switched to formula with no guilt.

So I'm curious, do you feel the need to justify why you don't breastfeed?

 

[socitycourty]

I did when she was small....i was horribly embarassed especially since at my baby shower i'd told everyone that i planned to bf for a year. it didn't help that every person i saw asked about it for months.

luckily we didn't have any technical problems and all the issues were on my lo's end but that didn't stop me from feeling like shit.

my poor sister had a true low supply (diagnosed) and also had to be back at work 8 weeks pp......i remember she called my crying after my niece guzzled down her first bottle.

i felt that my hospital pushed breastfeeding to the point of being dangerous for hadley. my milk didn't come in till day 7 so she spent days just sucking and sucking by the 3rd day she was lethargic, dehydrated, no dirty diapers (pee or poo) i was scared to death. the pediatrician finally said we could supplement once she had lost 15% body weight (in the hospital) and her jaundice was too severe.

all in all i found the whole thing horrific and dreaded having to talk about it for months.

 

[marron]

I think it depends on where you live. I constantly get flack for breastfeeding, all I see are people FF. My work can't see why they still have to accomodate my needing to pump, because don't babies only bf for a month or two anyway? I'm automatically labeled a hippy crunchy mother because of it, even though that's the farthest thing from the truth.

@socitycourty: It's funny, because while you were embarrassed to pull out a bottle, I felt like I constantly apologize for having to nurse. The very act of sitting there with LO on the boob had FF mothers berating me for making them feel like they were lesser. WTF? I never even brought the subject up!

I couldn't complain about being tired, because the first time I did, someone said it was my own fault for insisting on breastfeeding because that made it so no one could help out. Because helping only consists of feeding, apparently.

I don't pass judgement on people who FF. I may not agree with people who make it a lifestyle choice but in the end it's not my decision and I really don't care about what someone else does with their kids. I'm sorry for butting in to the conversation, but just wanted to say the judgement both ways needs to stop.

 

[MummyMana]

The other day when I was giving my daughter a bottle a complete stranger asked if I'd never tried to breastfeed. I don't think we should have to justify our reasons for forums feeding, but I feel I have to, especially as i'm still quite upset I couldn't breastfeed but my for was a little early and had jaundice so was having a lot of problems feeding, to the point her blood sugar was dropping. So I had to make the decision to give her formula for her own health and happiness (for which one of the midwives called me lazy!!) And we still only narrowly avoided her having a feeding tube.

 

[Indi84]

No, maybe it's just where I'm from but I've never really had anyone question it. My own sisters breastfeed and never once voiced disapproval.
I reckon I could have if I'd tried harder, I pumped for a month due to no latching but I hated pumping with a passion and was much happier ff, that's my only reason. I've never had to explain really, except the doctor was a bit funny. Hv was fine about it.
My Nct group are a mix of ff, bf, and pumping add combi feeding and we all just get on with it.
I feel bad for ladies that feel guilt

 

[Noelle610]

It's good to hear different perspectives! Interesting about regional differences. I think the one thing that stands out is that formula fed or breastfed, all moms feel a bit judged from time to time.

 

[MummyMana]

Tbh, I think the person who has judged me the most for not being able to breastfeed is myself...

 

[socitycourty]

^^me too

 

[Ktothema]

The other day when I was giving my daughter a bottle a complete stranger asked if I'd never tried to breastfeed. I don't think we should have to justify our reasons for forums feeding, but I feel I have to, especially as i'm still quite upset I couldn't breastfeed but my for was a little early and had jaundice so was having a lot of problems feeding, to the point her blood sugar was dropping. So I had to make the decision to give her formula for her own health and happiness (for which one of the midwives called me lazy!!) And we still only narrowly avoided her having a feeding tube.

Poor you. You shouldn't need (nor should anyone else) to feel guilty for preventing a nasty medical intervention for your child.

DD was so bunged up with rubbish she'd swallowed during birth she refused to eat via any method and was tubed in the end. I live in a militantly uber pro breasfeeding area that also has currently the worst maternity service in the UK. These things aren't related but it meant that whilst Dd was tubed there were no staff to show me where the pump was or how to use it or, on the first day - when I was cathetered and morphined up to the eyeballs - take me there. I did manage to start pumping by day 2 and by day 3 DD was off the tube but obviously ate so much more than I could supply. And here's the crux - the midwives and health visitors advised me to stop giving DD formula until she brought my boobs up to speed. Seriously, my baby had just spent 3 days in nicu on a feeding tube and their advice was to starve her. I said no and was labelled as someone who chose to formula feed. I only see it as I chose to feed my child.

Inbetween my two I developed an illness that means my vitamin levels are all over the shop so I made the choice not to breast feed DS. At least it helped me make a decision I was pretty sure I was going down anyway. Breastfeeding promotion in my area turned out to be the biggest thing to put me off. (one of my mates breastfed, and continues to, but even she says the attitude in our area makes her so angry)

 

[Tweak0605]

I always explain our situation when asked why I don't BF. I combi-feed right now, but LO might be going all formula in a month or 2. Noelle, it sounds like we have the same story. I've EP'd and LO is almost 6 months. I'm SO much happier now that I've cut pumps. I'm sure I could've EBF if I tried harder, and I'm sure some people (like my MIL) probably see it that way. But the first 2 weeks were absolute pure hell. I could see myself spiraling into PPD and knew I couldn't let that happen.

I think I'm the hardest on myself and judge myself the most because I didn't BF. I know I get judged by people, like my MIL, but I try not to let it bother me. A is happy, healthy, and thriving, so that's all that matters.

I think all woman need to stop judging each other on every parenting aspect. Every woman is going to mother their LO different, and as long as the baby is happy and healthy and loved, isn't that what matters? Not the way he/she is fed or the other debateable parenting choices..

 

[Noelle610]

It's unfortunate that we are SO hard on ourselves! Some of the best parenting advice I ever received? "Give yourself the chance to be a mediocre mother". It sounds awful, but it's not if you think about it. A mentor of mine with two amazing adult children said this. Basically, you don't have to be the worst or the best. Just be a mom. The love is what's important.

I do think hospitals need to be realistic when it comes to breastfeeding. They should absolutely encourage it and coach women through that tough stage in the beginning. That said, I find it scary/unfortunate that formula feeding is not taught at all! I took an infant care class at the hopsital where I delivered prior to giving birth and formula wasn't even mentioned. When I had to supplement after my DD lost close to 20% of her birthweight, I had no idea how to make a bottle safely. I was putting powder in first, using too little water, not boiling it, etc.

 

[Ktothema]

It's unfortunate that we are SO hard on ourselves! Some of the best parenting advice I ever received? "Give yourself the chance to be a mediocre mother". It sounds awful, but it's not if you think about it. A mentor of mine with two amazing adult children said this. Basically, you don't have to be the worst or the best. Just be a mom. The love is what's important.

I do think hospitals need to be realistic when it comes to breastfeeding. They should absolutely encourage it and coach women through that tough stage in the beginning. That said, I find it scary/unfortunate that formula feeding is not taught at all! I took an infant care class at the hopsital where I delivered prior to giving birth and formula wasn't even mentioned. When I had to supplement after my DD lost close to 20% of her birthweight, I had no idea how to make a bottle safely. I was putting powder in first, using too little water, not boiling it, etc.

That's one of the massive issues I had with it too. I had a midwife go ballistic at me because there was an open ready mix with teat mini open next to our bed and we'd left it out for 40 mins, though she screamed it was only meant to be out for an hour so my oh shouted back that we were well under that at that stage and she humped off. The thing was, after she left, we both admitted we had no clue about that. Might have been nice if someone had nicely pointed that out.

They did give me the birth-5y book which had the info hidden in it, but they also flung a ton of other leaflets at me and told me to read them.

I always think the irony is that if people described what you have to do in order to prepare formula and what you have to do to breastfeed there is no one in their right mind that goes "oh, formula sounds easier".

 

[Noelle610]

I always think the irony is that if people described what you have to do in order to prepare formula and what you have to do to breastfeed there is no one in their right mind that goes "oh, formula sounds easier".

So true!

 

[korndogger123]

I live in an area where everyone formula feeds. So much so, I got formula at the baby shower! Sometimes I feel ashamed to be breastfeeding everyone says omg you are gonna feed LO right here (if we are in public, or if my brother is around ect, ect. I know everyone would be so much happier if I formula fed!

I guess what I am saying is, it doesn't matter how we feed our babies we all have the same insecure feelings it seems. It makes us all human! It's ashame anyone has to feel anything other than positive about their choice to feed their baby xyz way.

 

[MummyMana]

I always think the irony is that if people described what you have to do in order to prepare formula and what you have to do to breastfeed there is no one in their right mind that goes "oh, formula sounds easier".

That's what gets me about the midwife who called me lazy for giving her formula. Because faffing around booing kettles at 2 in the morning is much less effort than taking a bra off...

 

[bubbles123]

The lack of respect for feeding choices among some people drives me mad. It is so sad and makes people not enjoy the first few months. Whether your scared to BF in public or hiding bottles from midwives so you don't get 'the look' (you will know the look if you have ever admitted giving formula to a newborn in a pro BF area). It's just so stupid.
I think it takes a lot of courage to go against the grain with feeding, whether you BF or FF if it's not the norm. It shouldn't be. It's our body, our choice and no body else's business.
As for commenting in public you would never say to someone 'why are you so fat? Didn't you try to diet?' So why on earth would you ask why someone is BF/FF?

 

[Ktothema]

As for commenting in public you would never say to someone 'why are you so fat? Didn't you try to diet?' So why on earth would you ask why someone is BF/FF?

Haha - you know what, I'm gonna say this to the next person who asks why I don't or didn't bf. Bet they'd love that

 

[Noelle610]

As for commenting in public you would never say to someone 'why are you so fat? Didn't you try to diet?' So why on earth would you ask why someone is BF/FF?

Haha - you know what, I'm gonna say this to the next person who asks why I don't or didn't bf. Bet they'd love that

 

[socitycourty]

i wish i had been prepared with good comebacks at the time.....i was mostly too shocked when people asked!

my friend told me one time, if someone asks whether you're BF say why, are you hungry? lol

 

[Maviyildiz]

Breastfeeding promotion in my area turned out to be the biggest thing to put me off. (one of my mates breastfed, and continues to, but even she says the attitude in our area makes her so angry)

I feel this way too. We were 100% BF until 8 months and I just have a bad taste in my mouth from the times when we needed to get advice, and attitudes were just so lacking in empathy. LO was nursing every 40 minutes around the clock until she was 4 months old. Nobody wanted to give me help to change this because they claimed ANY changes i routine would ruin my supply. They were so dismissive and made me feel like my health (physical and mental) mattered so little, that I will never go to an unknown lactation consultant again. If I can find someone who I know in advance is more flexible, I'll consider it in the future. But now, I am considering going straight to FF if we have another baby. Its ironic because I made the decision to BF before I even knew for sure I would ever have children, and now, I don't know what I will do.

And yeah, the judgement on both sides also drives me crazy. I always felt before I had children that women were pretty free to live the lives they wanted and do "what men do". However, I have realized that as soon as you become a mom, you are fair game for judgement again, and there are very specific expectations about your behavior. For mothers, we might as well be living in the Victorian era.