The dad

[Kayles1/8/08]

Im 18 and fell pregnant after a really drunken night to a guy who was not my boyfriend or anything was just a silly one night stand. I later found out i was pregnant with his baby. 22 weeks on and he still doesnt know...
My reason for this is because he is very much into drugs..cocaine..extacy etc - drinks alot - and 9/10 times is fighting. He is only 19 and i feel hes not the really who i want around my baby as its not a good example. Some people have said i should tell him but i feel like its going open one big hell hole and make mines and my babys life a misery. I don't want anything from him and happy to do it myself. Do you think I'm being selfish or do you think im doing whats best by my baby??
I dont ever see this guy all i know is his name and where hes from and it is very unlikely i'll bang into him.
what do you think?
x

 

[tinytoes]

oooh tough one that.......gosh, sounds like a really nice guy, I can see why you'd spend the night with him...

anwyay. urm....suppose I' say he should know.. Baby may one day want to know who daddy is...you cant lie about that....so i guess i'd let him know but make it clear you want to steer clear until he's grown up or cleaned up.
If he's as much of a loser as you say chances are he'll want to stay away anyway.

just my thoughts?

 

[Kayles1/8/08]

yeah but it can either go one way or the other..

he'll say see ye later n be fine about it or make my life hell and be on my back every 2 minutes
no i wont lie to the baby when they want to know who they'r father is but i jus really don't want his family on my doorstep makin my life hell!

x

 

[bigbelly2]

I really dont know what to say here its a very difficult one , youll have some people saying that everybody that fathers a child has the RIGHT to know and be a part of the childs life but on the other hand if they are going to be more of a hinderence than a help to the baby and disrupt their life then its a decision that only you can make....you have all the crads and ultimately its your decision you just have to sit down and really think about this... trust your instinct

h x

 

[Serene123]

I wouldn't tell him. I think it's completely up to you whether or not your baby has someone like that in it's life. I think you should probably think twice before having a one night stand again. I know we just don't think at the time. My babies definately changed my views on so many things. My boyfriend smokes weed right now and I told him if he does it ONCE when the baby is born I don't want anything to do with him and the baby won't see him unless hes been drugs tested regularly.

If you don't want him to know, don't tell him.

 

[Kayles1/8/08]

Yeah I just think its common sense not to let drugs be around the baby because i think what kind of mum would i be to allow drugs and violence around him/her.
Yeah iv'e learnt my lesson on one night stands lol! will not be happening again!

x

 

[Louisa K]

I don't know what the right thing to do is.. But if I was you, I wouldn't want my child around anything like that at all ie. the drink and drugs.. I'd imagine he's a handful and might cause you some grief which isn't what you need now or later.. You'd probably be best on your own..

 

[miel]

you don't have to say anything right away any way ...have you baby with no stress see him/her grow and may be one day it will be the right time to tell the dad or it may never be...just take one day at the time.
good luck i am glad to see you are a responsible young adult

 

[Kayles1/8/08]

Thanks just needed to hear that from someone else to know i wasn't so bad doing what i'm doing

Thanks

 

[carmen]

I wouldn't tell him. I think it's completely up to you whether or not your baby has someone like that in it's life. I think you should probably think twice before having a one night stand again. I know we just don't think at the time. My babies definately changed my views on so many things. My boyfriend smokes weed right now and I told him if he does it ONCE when the baby is born I don't want anything to do with him and the baby won't see him unless hes been drugs tested regularly.

If you don't want him to know, don't tell him.

I have to agree.... He doesn t exactly sound the perfect catch and what if you tell him, then he wants rights to have the baby stay over or somethiung and he is off his head on drugs. BIG No No!

But i must admit the situation i sextremley difficult.... why did you tell people he was the father ...jeje.

Hard situation ... i think you have got to firstly think of you and your baby... then later when the baby is born see if that feeling changes.

 

[CamoQueen]

Oh, I don't think I would tell him. He sounds like the kind of influence you would want to keep away from your child...

 

[BurtonBaby]

Alright ladies, I'm sorry but I have to disagree. I would def tell him. He has a right to know he has a child. My older brother has gotten himself into all kinds of situations, and sometimes we have to wonder if he doesn't have a child that some girl never told him about. I honestly, honestly think that as the father (as long as your sure its him) has a right to know. If he does drugs and lives a poor lifestyle, he wont be able to get rights to joint custody or anything like that, so you wouldn't have to worry about that. Just tell the courts about it, and they will drug test him and monitor him before allowing him anytime with the child. And does he even know where you live? If you know so little about him, does he not know the same about you? If his family comes to your home and are rude or disrespectful, you dont have to talk to them. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, I just think that the guy deserves to know he has a child. A girl I know had a one night stand a few years ago. All she knew was the guys first name. She didn't know where he was from or anything, and she ended up pregnant. Her son is almost 4 now, and has asked where his daddy is, and she has nothing to tell him. Its kinda sad honestly. Good luck.

 

[Ria_Rose]

Feeling very lucky that I never fell pregnant during my *cough*WILDER DAYS*cough*. But if I had I'm not sure how I'd have felt. You seem to have things pretty sorted for yourself, and I guess if he's going to be bad news then I personally would be leaning towards not telling him... But then I would be thinking about myself. Your child might grow up wanting to know who he was, and if he/she goes looking he wouldn't even know they existed. I think Kids who do not know one or both of their biological parents tend to wonder about them, wonder which of their traits they inherited and maybe hope that they have been thinking about them all those years, but he wn't have even know they've existed..

Also is there any chance anyone you know might tell him, or might someone you know mention in passing your pregnant - will he work out that it might be his?

 

[missjess]

I agree with BurtonBaby, I would tell him. Then if you don't want him near baby, that's your right to do so (if the guy can be a bad influence for the child, justice won't give him the right to be around). Everyone deserves to be told the truth, especially in this situation.

 

[Gabi]

I don't think there's a right or wrong way to handle the situation. Honestly I'd tell him but I'd make it clear that I don't want anything from him. He isn't obligated to do anything or pay anything.
That way at least you've told him and he can decide if he wants to be a part of his childs life and when your child asks about their father (which they will) at least you'll be in contact with him.

Knowing that he has a child on the way may even be enough for him to look at his life more. Either that or he wont believe you and not want anything to do with it in which case... at least you told him.

 

[tinytoes]

I don't think there's a right or wrong way to handle the situation. Honestly I'd tell him but I'd make it clear that I don't want anything from him. He isn't obligated to do anything or pay anything.
That way at least you've told him and he can decide if he wants to be a part of his childs life and when your child asks about their father (which they will) at least you'll be in contact with him.

Knowing that he has a child on the way may even be enough for him to look at his life more. Either that or he wont believe you and not want anything to do with it in which case... at least you told him.

i agree

 

[Kayles1/8/08]

For the girl who wrote about me telling people who the dad was...
I haven't told anybody his name only me know's that!
and when the baby does ask eventually which i know they will who they'r dad is i will tell him/her all i know and then its up to them if they want to go and find him.
He does know where I live as well!
It could either go one way or another...really bad or not so bad.
But my 100% honest opinion i think if i phoned him up telling him i was 5 months pregnant..then that would be one big massive hell hole.
And there also isn't anyone that me and him both know that would tell him i was pregnant.
x

 

[Serene123]

I don't think he deserves to know to be honest.

 

[Kayles1/8/08]

You think so?
see iv'e chosen this to do it by myself but it's just i don't want to be seen as such a bad mum when im only trying to go by whats best for the baby not me.

 

[codiontour]

my friend was in the same situation one year ago and she has this to say : )

Hi, I understand your situation completely. It wasn't quite a one-night stand but I hadn't known the guy long. I thought he was a great guy, but he'd kept me in the dark about his drug use and other unpleasantries. I only slept with him once (protected, seriously), and that's when he changed. I actually left out of fear, and didn't know I was pregnant until two months later, because like I said, I'd used protection and it just didn't seem possible.

But anyway, I'd like to tell you to stay positive about the situation, and if you do not feel that the father would be a positive influence in your child's life, then it is your right to do what's best. Many women in your situation would not be so honest, or would have had an abortion, so you should be very proud of yourself. I did not go to the father, and I have to fight to support my child and survive on my own without child support, but I believe in my heart it was the right choice. I took flack from a lot of people who didn't understand and thought it was their place to tell me whether or not the father should be involved, but the fact is in the end you need to do what you think is right. Like others have said, you don't want to lie to the child. When it comes time, I plan to tell my son that his father was not ready for the responsibilities of parenting, which is true in your situation as well if he's using drugs. When my son comes of age, it will be his right to hunt down his father if he'd like, and he can hate me for keeping him away for the rest of his life, but at least I'll know I did my best.

And please let me clarify, I am not saying it is the right thing in your case. But you should make your own decision based on your beliefs and values and understanding of your own situation, and do not let anyone call you a bad person for making it. Do not let anyone shame or condemn you, because they will try, no matter what choice you make. And good luck! I'll quit writing a novel now, geeze, lol.