The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Kage76]

I don't hold anyone's blinkies against them- even the superpower one- you know why because I know myself well enough to know that if we HAD gotten over our BF issues I'm pretty sure i may have one myself. I admire and I am proud of the women who managed to get over the hump, they do deserve to be proud of their achievement, they should not be made to feel ashamed of their achievement because i couldn't manage to do it. As long as they accept my "choice" and leave pity and judgement at the door I'm quite happy to co-exist. I think the whole "failure" of breastfeeding has been a really positive thing for me- it has put into perspective to not put too much pressure on my daughter and I to achieve goals and milestones. To focus on these means that I miss the journey. She has been slower than some of my friends baby to smile, laugh, roll and just when I start to get worried she always reminds me that I have to be patient, to focus on her learning to rejoice in her achievements without pushing her forward before she is ready. Another huge thing that this thing has taught me is compassion and understanding to other mothers- where as before if a child was being FF or misbehaving i would get judgy wudgy now i know that every womans story is different and she is doing the very best she can just as I am doing the best I can.

 

[Leopard]

I don't judge based on signatures. Maybe I'm just too easy going? If they are proud and want to flaunt it, more power to them. I have to complimentary feed, but I'm not changing my signature for a little bit (going to put my milestones in soon). Why would I be anything but happy for those who have succeeded better than me? I am proud of them! Sure I might still make it out of this rut, but for now I have the guilt associated with it, but I cope the best I can, and I do not expect those who are proud to hide behind a shroud.

What are you proud of, FF, BF, expressed Bm F, combi, compi, c-sec, vaginal, unmedicated, medicated etc? Are you really going to be totally upset if someone is proud of their achievements?

 

[kimini26]

I don't mind the blinkies but they do make me jealous. But the idea that since anyone can feed my baby I am not as tied to her is the very reason I was suicidal when she was 2 months old. I felt that if anyone could feed her then she didn't need me. I really didn't need a reminder of that time this morning. However, she is more tied to me than anyone. When she is upset sometimes I am the only one who can calm her down.

 

[MrsPOP]

I dont think anyone resents people being proud of their achievements by finding it hard to see blinkies. I think people find it hard because others have what they dont have or couldnt have. Ive admitted it was out of jealousy. Its human to feel jealousy and you know it takes a lot of balls to admit those kind of feelings and its good for people to admit those kind of feelings, because once you acnowledge them you'll be able to let go of them.

Noone expects those to be proud to hide behind a shroud. Leopard you've written on here that you've wondered why FFers act so proud like they didt deserve to be after all.
I dont think ANYONE on here ISNT Pro-BF!!!

I think we should all be proud, we love our children.

Im proud that I love my baby. That's whats important at the end of this.

 

[sequeena]

Well I'm proud that Thomas slept for more than 2 hours in a row last night

 

[BabyBoo36]

I'm proud Freya ate 2 sweet potato wedges and 2 sticks of swede last night even if she has refused everything I've put in front of her today!) x

 

[Leopard]

See, ya'll don't need to stress about breastfeeding (though of course you do ), you have so many other things to be proud of! I have decided I am pro-feedyourflippingkid

 

[buddyIV]

As far as the blinkies go, I honestly did used to feel a teeny-tiny bit jealous whenever I saw someone had gone over 3 months, but now I realise I couldn't go on comparing everything to my "failure" as it was only reaffirming my guilty feelings. Plus I felt bad that I couldn't be happy for other people doing an awesome job... double guilt... urgh!

Now I have no negative feelings at all about them. They're celebrating an achievement; deservedly so. I don't want to resent them, I want to high-five them! x

 

[Celesse]

My Blinkies are there for information, so I don't have to keep repeating information. I have a VBAC one as I try to keep in with the VBAC thread in labour and delivery. Its not to brag, but so women I offer advice to can see that I got my VBAC and have been through the whole process. I also have a tandem feeding one, which replaced my nursing and pregnant one, not to brag or show off, but because the kind of threads I am most likely to post on are breastfeeding support threads and its easier to have that information in my sig than re-write it every post.

Someone questioned why BFer would comment in this post. For me I have been following it as someone who nearly failed to breastfeed, but also as a breastfeeding supporter. I volunteer as a peer supporter and hopefully when I read about where support has been lacking in some women's journeys and can help women in similar situations to get the support they need. I have struggled to feed with both my children and was even accused by a midwife of starving my daughter. A couple of weeks ago it looked like I may end up FF my newborn whilst still BFing my toddler and that made me feel like a proper freak.

One thing this thread highlights to me is how the NHS "Breast is Best" campaign really needs changing and updating. Sure breastfeeding has certain advantages over formula feeding, but best depends on the individual woman and baby. To have this slogan rammed down our throats throughout pregnancy imply that woman who formula feed are not doing their best for their babies. I'm sure this adds to the guilt and it definitely did when my breastfeeding was on the critical list. What would be "Best" would be for women to get accurate, unbiased information on all ways to feed their children, support to feed their children in the chosen way and support to feel comfortable with their choices when things don't go to plan. I'm pretty sure breastfeeding rates would go up if more women where supported to have a positive feeding experience.

Sitting on a ward crying your eyes out because your nipples are red raw and your baby won't latch properly and won't stop screaming and a horrible midwife has just told you that you starved your baby is bad enough, but even worse when faced with a happy picture of a young mum feeding her baby with the slogan "This mum knows best".

 

[BabyBoo36]

B]One thing this [/B]thread highlights to me is how the NHS "Breast is Best" campaign rea;[lly needs changing and updating. [/B][/B]Sure breastfeeding has certain advantages over formula feeding, but best depends on the individual woman and baby. To have this slogan rammed down our throats throughout pregnancy imply that woman who formula feed are not doing their best for their babies. I'm sure this adds to the guilt and it definitely did when my breastfeeding was on the critical list. What would be "Best" would be for women to get accurate, unbiased information on all ways to feed their children, support to feed their children in the chosen way and support to feel comfortable with their choices when things don't go to plan. I'm pretty sure breastfeeding rates would go up if more women where supported to have a positive feeding experience.

Sitting on a ward crying your eyes out because your nipples are red raw and your baby won't latch properly and won't stop screaming and a horrible midwife has just told you that you starved your baby is bad enough, but even worse when faced with a happy picture of a young mum feeding her baby with the slogan "This mum knows best".

One of the most helpful things ever said to me was by my BF buddy when I had to give up pumping at 7 weeks. She said "Breast is only best when it works for Mum and Baby. If it doesn't work, it isn't "best". " That simple comment really helped me x

 

[darkangel1981]

One of the most helpful things ever said to me was by my BF buddy when I had to give up pumping at 7 weeks. She said "Breast is only best when it works for Mum and Baby. If it doesn't work, it isn't "best". " That simple comment really helped me x

i really like this quote xx

 

[Snuffy]

Maybe they should stop wasting money on their poster campaign and spend it on actual bf support for those who want and need it.

 

[buddyIV]

I was talking to a midwife I know recently, and she was telling me that many of the health professionals agree that the NHS's BF campaign has been somewhat misguided. Yes, it is excellent to encourage women to BF, and this is something that 100% needs to be done, however, it seems like they've tipped the balance too far. There needs to be unbiased information about both BF and FF, with more effort put into explaining that, whilst BM is the most biologically suitable milk, that FM isn't poison. FF still gives a baby the nutrional goodness it requires to thrive (the rest is all love, which any parent can offer, regardless of how they feed). I feel like they put so much effort into telling us the benefits of BF, that they didn't fully explain some of the issues (I didn't even know you could get thrush in your milk ducts, especially after having super-strong anti-biotics! If I'd known there was a chance I'd not have worn breastpads constantly!) that can make you struggle. If I'd have known about 5 hour cluster feeds I'd have known that this was normal, and not a sign of feeding/supply issues. Gah....I could rant on and on about this!

Furthermore, they need to offer physical, empathetic support to those who wish to BF (not just posters, leaflets and ad campaigns that are no use to you at 2am), ensure intensive contact with those who are struggling, and give non-judgemental and supportive advice to those who make the switch to FF

FF is no longer seen as a valid choice, for those who end up using it despite their best efforts, or for those who simply wish to FF. It may not be "best", but it isn't bad; it's an excellent alternative.

Anyways, the midwife was saying that when they ask the ladies how they'd like to feed, she can see some of them panicking; they feel like they will be judged if they don't try and BF. There are some women who will whisper that they want to FF, and ask if that's ok. Surely that's not the atmosphere we want to create around BF???

I'm very pro-BF, but I'm not anti-FF, and I feel the NHS has lost that balance.

 

[patch2006uk]

I'd like to see the 'breast is best' campaign replaced with a kind of 'every feed counts' type one, with a focus on getting every baby latched on at least once, or at least getting some colostrum into them somehow. And proper funding for properly trained supporters and a national training programme for GPs and HVs to stop them giving out utterly duff info!

At the moment, 'breast is best' allows the NHS to claim a pro-BFing stance, while not actually having the network in place to help women who are struggling.

Also 'breast is best' implies that it's an unattainable goal, an ideal. Some women may see that slogan and infer that 'breast is best' so therefore formula is 'normal'. 'best' doesnt imply normality, it implies it's something 'superior'. It's overall not a good message.

 

[prgirl_cesca]

What a wonderful idea patch.

 

[buddyIV]

I'd like to see the 'breast is best' campaign replaced with a kind of 'every feed counts' type one, with a focus on getting every baby latched on at least once, or at least getting some colostrum into them somehow. And proper funding for properly trained supporters and a national training programme for GPs and HVs to stop them giving out utterly duff info!

At the moment, 'breast is best' allows the NHS to claim a pro-BFing stance, while not actually having the network in place to help women who are struggling.

Also 'breast is best' implies that it's an unattainable goal, an ideal. Some women may see that slogan and infer that 'breast is best' so therefore formula is 'normal'. 'best' doesnt imply normality, it implies it's something 'superior'. It's overall not a good message.

100% agree Patch... I always love your posts

 

[summer rain]

I was talking to a midwife I know recently, and she was telling me that many of the health professionals agree that the NHS's BF campaign has been somewhat misguided. Yes, it is excellent to encourage women to BF, and this is something that 100% needs to be done, however, it seems like they've tipped the balance too far. There needs to be unbiased information about both BF and FF, with more effort put into explaining that, whilst BM is the most biologically suitable milk, that FM isn't poison. FF still gives a baby the nutrional goodness it requires to thrive (the rest is all love, which any parent can offer, regardless of how they feed). I feel like they put so much effort into telling us the benefits of BF, that they didn't fully explain some of the issues (I didn't even know you could get thrush in your milk ducts, especially after having super-strong anti-biotics! If I'd known there was a chance I'd not have worn breastpads constantly!) that can make you struggle. If I'd have known about 5 hour cluster feeds I'd have known that this was normal, and not a sign of feeding/supply issues. Gah....I could rant on and on about this!

Furthermore, they need to offer physical, empathetic support to those who wish to BF (not just posters, leaflets and ad campaigns that are no use to you at 2am), ensure intensive contact with those who are struggling, and give non-judgemental and supportive advice to those who make the switch to FF

FF is no longer seen as a valid choice, for those who end up using it despite their best efforts, or for those who simply wish to FF. It may not be "best", but it isn't bad; it's an excellent alternative.

Anyways, the midwife was saying that when they ask the ladies how they'd like to feed, she can see some of them panicking; they feel like they will be judged if they don't try and BF. There are some women who will whisper that they want to FF, and ask if that's ok. Surely that's not the atmosphere we want to create around BF???

I'm very pro-BF, but I'm not anti-FF, and I feel the NHS has lost that balance.

I agree with most of what you're saying. I think the NHS is already very unbalanced with regard to BF support and being pro-BF anyway; as like with many other things it is a postcode lottery. While in some areas the NHS seems to be anti-FF and overly pro-BF in this area the NHS is supporting of BF only on the surface-whether that is giving lip service to BF or offering actual physical support, in my experience you don't have to scratch that surface much to see they actually support FF wholeheartedly and feel it is superior to BF and this isn't fair, just as the NHS being BF 'zealots' in other areas of the country isn't fair either. I have personally had HCPs say to me they think BF is not as good as FF and had top ups pushed on me with this baby despite there being absolutely no medical indication for them. In this area they give info on how to safely make up formula to all mums but you really have to ask several times if you want an up to date NHS booklet on BF and get made to feel you're a nuisance for asking! xx

 

[Leopard]

I think other countries need to buck up and realise that although formula comes in at second best, it is not always the worst alternative if there is no other option. I'm biting at the bit to not switch fully to formula, but now it is not because I hate it or anything, more that I'm sure if I keep going I'll get through this; now I've just got to get passed the nurses who keep pushing it.

 

[Blah11]

i think scotland must be totally different to England with their bf Promotion. The baby book i got from my mw at booking in has literally pages (a4) about formula and bottle feeding so the info is def out there about how to make a feed up, sterilise etc.

 

[Snuffy]

My book also has a few pages on bottle preparation as well as bf. It is 4 years out of date though as apparently second time mums aren't allowed a new one, so it may have changed.