The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[vintage67]

Hello ladies **waves** .... just popping in to see if you're all well? i'm battling with myself still. I'm still leaking and every time i do i think... "shall i stick him on?!".... NO DON'T DO IT!...

i'd end up straight back at the beginning of my guilt!

pfffttt to boobs xxx

I keep imagining moisture on one of my breasts. I got the pump back out about 2 or 3 weeks ago and pumped like crazy and of course there was nothing.

My "meltdowns" are getting further apart. Husband gave me a good lecture just yesterday! Honestly, he is right. I can't pump 8 hours a day for a teaspoon of milk if that. Which is what it would be like.

He also mentioned that if I tried pumping aroudn the clock I would only get "crazier!" True.

My worst problem is getting online. An "innocent" search for formula coupons sent me into a teary mess as it turned up really hateful stuff. Apparently we don't "deserve" any coupons, having already been brainwashed by pictures of teddy bears. {sigh}

Snuggs!

 

[Fruitymeli]

hi ladies
have to join here i had my baby 2 weeks ago having her by planned c section as my waters broke and i wasnt going into labour i needed a c section again as i did with my son, i thought i could breastfeed easily as it was with my son who breastfed for 2 years but no this time has been really tough my little girl was born with a tounge tie and had problems with day 1 with latching on so i had to top up with Formula , I talked to midwife and breastfeeding nurse about it and got nipple sheilds and loads of advice but none of it worked .
In the meantime through all that i expressed some breastmilk but now i have barely any and its painful
i really thought i would have no problems this time but turned out something totally
unexpected im so happy my little girl is feeding well on formula

 

[Kage76]

boobs are over-rated. Boo to boobs!

 

[Duejan2012]

can i join. I really really wanted to breast feed this time around but like fruitymeli said he is just soo tounge tied that he would latch and i was bleeding from my nipples and had one get infected. I have been trying to pump as much as i can but my milk seems to be drying up or something i feel so bad.

 

[fides]

Hello ladies **waves** .... just popping in to see if you're all well? i'm battling with myself still. I'm still leaking and every time i do i think... "shall i stick him on?!".... NO DON'T DO IT!...

i'd end up straight back at the beginning of my guilt!

pfffttt to boobs xxx

My worst problem is getting online. An "innocent" search for formula coupons sent me into a teary mess as it turned up really hateful stuff. Apparently we don't "deserve" any coupons, having already been brainwashed by pictures of teddy bears. {sigh}

Snuggs!

what? i found some coupons no problem - i'm so sorry you saw some hateful stuff.

hi ladies
have to join here i had my baby 2 weeks ago having her by planned c section as my waters broke and i wasnt going into labour i needed a c section again as i did with my son, i thought i could breastfeed easily as it was with my son who breastfed for 2 years but no this time has been really tough my little girl was born with a tounge tie and had problems with day 1 with latching on so i had to top up with Formula , I talked to midwife and breastfeeding nurse about it and got nipple sheilds and loads of advice but none of it worked .
In the meantime through all that i expressed some breastmilk but now i have barely any and its painful
i really thought i would have no problems this time but turned out something totally
unexpected im so happy my little girl is feeding well on formula

so glad your girl is doing well with formula. welcome!

boobs are over-rated. Boo to boobs!

 

[Kage76]

Vintage i think the best thing you could do is just get rid of the damn pump. If you cant give it away totally- give to a freind or family member for safe keeping so that its not there eating away at the back of your thoughts. And in regards to the coupons- im absolutly sure that your husband would be more than happy to find them for you if you explained why.

you need to give yourself a break and a chance to heal,- breastfeeding is such a small part of what makes up a mum and you are excelling in the areas that really count. Be kind to yourself love

 

[mercyme]

I agree with Kage, Vintage.

I finally realized that I had to *HAD* to stop when I realized that I was grieving over breastfeeding problems like my baby had died. Seriously. The guilt & failure were so overwhelming that I sobbed and sobbed, couldn't enjoy my son, thought of nothing (nothing!) else but my boobs. It was awful. I also felt angry (irrationally so, obviously) at LO, why wasn't he pulling his weight?! And why was he hurting me so much?! It's hard to adore someone who is hurting you, I realized.

And hope made it worse -- hoping that things would get better, hoping that if I read one more article, tried one more technique, pumped longer, visited the lactation consultant one more time, held on for another day . . . it just made everything worse. It was awful! I cried when I told the dr I stopped bf, cried when I saw mothers nursing their babies, cried just thinking about stopping.

Only after I finally quit and my nipples healed and my milk dried up did I fall in love with my son. I finally got to stop thinking about my body and concentrate on him. And I cannot imagine feeling any closer to him, any more bonded.

Like a lot of you, I found that information about formula feeding always seemed to be wrapped in messages about breastfeeding -- which made everything so much more emotionally painful than it needed to be. Like I don't know BF is best! But now I don't care -- I'm totally happy with no regrets, no guilt, no tears. Yay!!!

 

[kimini26]

What brand are you looking for coupons for? I get them in the mail all the time, but I'm buying wal-mart formula cause I'm just that cheap. Plus she likes it better.

 

[Soon5kids]

I know how you ladies are feelning. We just stopped bfeeding this past week and it has been really tough for me. I feel like I am going to lose the bond we have if I stopped. This has just been so hard for me. After all the pains and troubles we went thru in the begining and now it's ending. I am just too emotional over this. I think it is because this is my last child and I wanted to feed him longer than I did with my other lo's. Sorry for the rant.

 

[MonstHer]

Hi ladies,
I can't quite know how you feel but I am sympathetic for your situation.
I am one of those with those dreaded bfing cow blinkies, but it's not a show-off rub in your face type of thing. I am just really really proud of myself, and no one outside my husband and I really care. lol
When she was first born, she had jaundice and wouldn't eat from being stessed out from under the bili-lights. She lost 11% of her body weight and the doctor was talking about giving her formula while we were still in the hospital. I was crying my eyes out running around the post partum ward, asking for a pump or formula, because we could tell she was getting dehydrated. It hurt so bad to watch her under the lights and know she wouldn't eat and that we couldn't take her out. I would smell her blanket and sob because I felt so helpless.
Thankfully a nurse took her out for me and poked and prodded her, and stayed there with me for a good hour while I was sobbing, and we finally irritated my daughter enough to latch and eat, haha.
The nurse wouldn't let me pump and disregarded the doctor's forumula order.
I am forever greatful for that one nurse who cared, otherwise it may have just been the beginning of suck.
I know I can't compare to all of your experiences, but please know that blinkies and such are not used to rub it in your faces. You are all lovely ladies and great mothers.
Just having this thread shows how wonderful mummies/mommies you are.

 

[Jennifaerie]

I have a blinkie too, but I'm in the process of stopping bfing as it's been too hard and is only getting harder. The first 3 weeks she wouldn't latch, then I had 4 weeks of good going, now she's been on a nursing strike for nearly two weeks and I'm struggling to get her to take EBM and she isn't putting on enough as well as health issues for me. My LO seems fuller and happier on formula now xxx

 

[fides]

I agree with Kage, Vintage.

I finally realized that I had to *HAD* to stop when I realized that I was grieving over breastfeeding problems like my baby had died. Seriously. The guilt & failure were so overwhelming that I sobbed and sobbed, couldn't enjoy my son, thought of nothing (nothing!) else but my boobs. It was awful. I also felt angry (irrationally so, obviously) at LO, why wasn't he pulling his weight?! And why was he hurting me so much?! It's hard to adore someone who is hurting you, I realized.

And hope made it worse -- hoping that things would get better, hoping that if I read one more article, tried one more technique, pumped longer, visited the lactation consultant one more time, held on for another day . . . it just made everything worse. It was awful! I cried when I told the dr I stopped bf, cried when I saw mothers nursing their babies, cried just thinking about stopping.

Only after I finally quit and my nipples healed and my milk dried up did I fall in love with my son. I finally got to stop thinking about my body and concentrate on him. And I cannot imagine feeling any closer to him, any more bonded.

Like a lot of you, I found that information about formula feeding always seemed to be wrapped in messages about breastfeeding -- which made everything so much more emotionally painful than it needed to be. Like I don't know BF is best! But now I don't care -- I'm totally happy with no regrets, no guilt, no tears. Yay!!!

i can't wait until i reach where you are at being guilt and tear free. a lot of what you described i could have written myself - i felt like an outsider to my baby, but i think we're really moving past that. he smiles at me now - he started smiling on his own a week ago, and that is worth every ounce of formula.

anyway, it lightens my heart to see that you are happy now!!

I know how you ladies are feelning. We just stopped bfeeding this past week and it has been really tough for me. I feel like I am going to lose the bond we have if I stopped. This has just been so hard for me. After all the pains and troubles we went thru in the begining and now it's ending. I am just too emotional over this. I think it is because this is my last child and I wanted to feed him longer than I did with my other lo's. Sorry for the rant.

i'm so sorry things are hard for you right now.

I have a blinkie too, but I'm in the process of stopping bfing as it's been too hard and is only getting harder. The first 3 weeks she wouldn't latch, then I had 4 weeks of good going, now she's been on a nursing strike for nearly two weeks and I'm struggling to get her to take EBM and she isn't putting on enough as well as health issues for me. My LO seems fuller and happier on formula now xxx

 

[fides]

okay, ladies, I would suggest not reading the book, "Nighttime Parenting" by Dr. Sears. I liked the book until half-way through it starts talking about night time feeding.

It was a dozen pages of basically, "Breastfeeding is best... breastfeeding is a wonderful bond... so easy to feed a breastfed baby... breastfed baby falls back to sleep easily and is more content... breastfeeding... breastfeeding... breastfeeding... keep up the good work if you're breastfeeding... oh, and by the way, those of you who are ARTIFICIALLY FEEDING your baby, watch out for tooth rot b/c the baby's not making as much saliva at night when you're giving it a bottle so it can't rinse out the sugar."

Yeah - he called FF artificial. ugh. i told my friend about it on the phone, and she was like, that makes it sound like you're feeding him through a tube or something!

i'm really tired of all the baby books droning on and on about BF with little tiny caveats about FF'ers thrown in as afterthoughts. Every book I've checked out is like that, and it doesn't matter if it is an attachment parenting style book or an anti-attachment parenting - they all assume everyone can breastfeed and is going to be able to. ugh.

 

[mercyme]

okay, ladies, I would suggest not reading the book, "Nighttime Parenting" by Dr. Sears. I liked the book until half-way through it starts talking about night time feeding.

It was a dozen pages of basically, "Breastfeeding is best... breastfeeding is a wonderful bond... so easy to feed a breastfed baby... breastfed baby falls back to sleep easily and is more content... breastfeeding... breastfeeding... breastfeeding... keep up the good work if you're breastfeeding... oh, and by the way, those of you who are ARTIFICIALLY FEEDING your baby, watch out for tooth rot b/c the baby's not making as much saliva at night when you're giving it a bottle so it can't rinse out the sugar."

Yeah - he called FF artificial. ugh. i told my friend about it on the phone, and she was like, that makes it sound like you're feeding him through a tube or something!

i'm really tired of all the baby books droning on and on about BF with little tiny caveats about FF'ers thrown in as afterthoughts. Every book I've checked out is like that, and it doesn't matter if it is an attachment parenting style book or an anti-attachment parenting - they all assume everyone can breastfeed and is going to be able to. ugh.

Dr. Sears is the worst if you're having BF trouble & are ready to go with FF. his chapter on FF made me want to jump off a ledge. It was the words in his book that echoed in my head--artificial nipple, bonding, warm, attachment, cold & sterile... I was so messed up! There is NO WAY I could feel any more attached to my baby. And he is so very attached to me. He wakes up happy and thrilled to see me every morning. We are in love, love, love. I felt detached, empty, angry, and in excruciating pain for the 5 wks I did BF & combo feeding. How on earth was that "best"?!

If you go to formula, or do both, or bf, your LO will be fine & your love won't suffer. Stopping was the best thing I did. And I celebrate women who BF or who try or who stop. It's totally up to you!!! Once I finally made the decision at 6 wks to let go, I was better. And after 7 wks I didn't even care. Now I barely remember wanting to BF. I'm over it completely.

 

[patch2006uk]

Formula milk is 'artificial'-it doesn't exist in nature. Just like cots, slings, curtains, instant coffee, dairy milk and plastic are artificial. Don't get too caught up in the definition of one word.

 

[tina3747]

Formula milk is 'artificial'-it doesn't exist in nature. Just like cots, slings, curtains, instant coffee, dairy milk and plastic are artificial. Don't get too caught up in the definition of one word.

It is artificial, its just you get sensitive to things when you feel you've failed at something!! My worst trait now is asking someone if they're breast feeding when I meet a new baby... It's vile I know , I just can't help it!
I suppose the same way for you is if someone said you artificially gave birth to your baby! Of course you gave birth, it doesn't matter how they got here and what you call it but you'd probably think they're cheeky buggers for saying it!
I think everyone gets stuck on certain words and phrases on here! And it must be horrid for someone trying desperately to follow the np/ attachment only to realise they cant do the most basic natural part!

 

[patch2006uk]

Formula milk is 'artificial'-it doesn't exist in nature. Just like cots, slings, curtains, instant coffee, dairy milk and plastic are artificial. Don't get too caught up in the definition of one word.

It is artificial, its just you get sensitive to things when you feel you've failed at something!! My worst trait now is asking someone if they're breast feeding when I meet a new baby... It's vile I know , I just can't help it!
I suppose the same way for you is if someone said you artificially gave birth to your baby! Of course you gave birth, it doesn't matter how they got here and what you call it but you'd probably think they're cheeky buggers for saying it!
I think everyone gets stuck on certain words and phrases on here! And it must be horrid for someone trying desperately to follow the np/ attachment only to realise they cant do the most basic natural part!

I believe that my son was born, but I didn't give birth. That's just how it is.

I was only remarking that 'artificial' isn't an offensive term, just a factual one. Pretty much every thing is artificial nowadays.

 

[tina3747]

Formula milk is 'artificial'-it doesn't exist in nature. Just like cots, slings, curtains, instant coffee, dairy milk and plastic are artificial. Don't get too caught up in the definition of one word.

It is artificial, its just you get sensitive to things when you feel you've failed at something!! My worst trait now is asking someone if they're breast feeding when I meet a new baby... It's vile I know , I just can't help it!
I suppose the same way for you is if someone said you artificially gave birth to your baby! Of course you gave birth, it doesn't matter how they got here and what you call it but you'd probably think they're cheeky buggers for saying it!
I think everyone gets stuck on certain words and phrases on here! And it must be horrid for someone trying desperately to follow the np/ attachment only to realise they cant do the most basic natural part!

I believe that my son was born, but I didn't give birth. That's just how it is.

I was only remarking that 'artificial' isn't an offensive term, just a factual one. Pretty much every thing is artificial nowadays.

Yes I understand what your saying.... It's just you get sensitive to things in the end! Like someone, after telling them the whole ins and outs , every detail of your bf nightmare.. You honestly did your very best for them to say at the end "did you try nipple shields"!!!!?????
They're only trying to help but you still want to machine gun them!
Also everything affects people differently, my sil had 3 sections which she absolutely loved.? Why anyone would love major surgery I'm not sure but she's happy... 2 healthy babies but unfortunately her first died. There's worse things in the world than worrying what might have been or could you have done better.
Hope you get a vbac next time xx

 

[Eala]

The problem is that society has moved towards this idea where "natural = good" and "artificial = bad". For example, a lot of people perceive that herbal remedies are "better" than nasty drugs made by "Big Pharma", when in fact some herbal "medicines" are inneffective, others are downright harmful.

So when people refer to formula as "artificial", there is a very strong implication that this means it is "bad".

It's all very well saying that something is "just a word" or "just a fact", but when people are telling you "This word makes me feel even worse", to try and deny the impact is just belittling them all over again.

 

[patch2006uk]

I think if anyone listened to any stories from this thread, and their first response was 'did you try nipple shield', I wouldn't be surprised if they ended up with a black eye!

I have heard that some women really like c-sections, and they don't experience any of the bad stuff afterwards. I don't understand it personally, but fair play to them. I hope if I have any more I get a VBAC, but who knows!

Sorry about your sister's loss-I can't imagine anything worse than losing a baby. Just heartbreaking.