The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[vintage67]

My 7 year old son has no memory at all, of all our BF struggles. He doesn't remember turning bright red and screaming at the sight of my boob, or lactation consultant #2 trying to "screw" his head onto my nipple, or any of the other horror that I wish I didn't remember.

He's crazy about me!





Please try not to worry about the "bonding".

 

[vintage67]

I saw some people "horrified" (on another website), that formula feeders and c-section moms would "DARE" have blinkies.

I am tired of the shame. I am not a "blinkie type" or maybe I would have some. But I am grateful for my two c-sections, as a woman like myself would have probably died in childbirth a century ago. And I am also grateful for formula when allowed to be, as it saved my first son from a blood sugar of 18.

 

[vintage67]

Maybe those women are trying to find something positive in what may have been a very traumatic and difficult choice to make? Maybe they weren't even given the choice? That cut may have been made to save the baby's life, or the mother's. I'm having an ELCS because it will give me the best chance of not being so psychologically damaged that I'm unable to see my child as a positive thing. Sure, maybe the surgeon isn't doing anything "lovingly", but the choice for me has been made out of wanting the best for both myself and my baby - does that not come from love?

Yes, that choice does come from love, and for most of us in this thread, giving our children formula came from love as well. Most of us know that objetively, but emotionally we are struggling with the messages that we are bombarded with.

 

[kimini26]

deleted

 

[Lina]

Let me repeat. I had an emcs and I am grateful that my son is here today. Could things have been handled differently by hospital staff to change the outcome?, certainly yes.

If bf blinkies make you feel inadequate, section blinkies make me feel alien for not 'loving' the procedure performed on me. After all, it was done to 'save' my baby right? But that is a whole different thread.

 

[chezziepie]

without formula my niece would be dead she's 2 almost and mainly fed through a tube thanks to formula that's saving her life her blood sugars can be as low as 6 she has ketotic hypoglycemia with dairy and soya allergy.

My LO is actually allergic to BM and I had an ELCS as he was breech feel like a complete mom my LO and me are happy and healthy and having fun ... i would never feel like i have failed as i haven't.

Neither of us feel bad at all for this not me my LO or my sister and my niece loves her milky tube when she has it

 

[Lil_Pixie]

I completely understand the section thing - I feel cheated and like I'm not a proper woman - I couldn't do what a woman was made to do. I don't remember hearing my baby cry for the first time, he was already an hour old and clean and dressed by the time I got him. I even asked my mum if h can have a birth mark since he was never born.

Of course I'm grateful for the section -my son is safe and well and that's what really matters. But HOW he got here matters too, and it breaks my hear that I pretty much missed his birth.

Sorry I know it's not the same thing, but it's similar and it still sucks x

 

[Lina]

I completely understand the section thing - I feel cheated and like I'm not a proper woman - I couldn't do what a woman was made to do. I don't remember hearing my baby cry for the first time, he was already an hour old and clean and dressed by the time I got him. I even asked my mum if h can have a birth mark since he was never born.

Of course I'm grateful for the section -my son is safe and well and that's what really matters. But HOW he got here matters too, and it breaks my hear that I pretty much missed his birth.

Sorry I know it's not the same thing, but it's similar and it still sucks x

 

[patch2006uk]

I completely understand the section thing - I feel cheated and like I'm not a proper woman - I couldn't do what a woman was made to do. I don't remember hearing my baby cry for the first time, he was already an hour old and clean and dressed by the time I got him. I even asked my mum if h can have a birth mark since he was never born.

Of course I'm grateful for the section -my son is safe and well and that's what really matters. But HOW he got here matters too, and it breaks my hear that I pretty much missed his birth.

Sorry I know it's not the same thing, but it's similar and it still sucks x

Absolutely! My son was born, but I didn't give birth to him.

And I wasn't cut with love; I was cut with a knife.

 

[kimini26]

I read an article earlier that explained how physiologically bottle feeding mimics infant loss and essentially creates a kind of grief in the mother who doesn't or stops breastfeeding. I found it very interesting. There was also one about how mother's who have breastfeeding difficulties also tend to be more depressed than mothers with little or no difficulties. That one made me feel a lot better about how depressed I've been.

 

[Eala]

It seems like I've rubbed people up the wrong way, and I'm sorry. But I was just trying to make the point that for some, a C-sec was/is the best choice. It was more about trying to give some rationale as to why people might feel that blinkie helped them. Personally speaking, I don't find it anywhere near as offensive as the "Superpower" one, as it's not trying to say that one way is superior to another.

BUT I do get that when it's an emotional issue, rationalisation is about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. So big hugs to everyone who has been affected by any blinkie, whether it be about C-sec, BF'ing, ERF or whatever

Something that might help - what web browsers are you all using? I know that for both Firefox and Internet Explorer, you can get add-ons which allow you to selectively block images from appearing. When I come across a blinkie which I dislike, I simply block it. I suppose some would say that's a coward's way out, but for me, it stops me being surprised/upset by blinkies when I'm already feeling low.

 

[chezziepie]

wow - this could be why my DR keeps asking me if I have PND but i don't Sam came out the sun roof and i don't feel cheated I feel lucky, i have many a friend who suffered with terrible labors. I went to tesco's 3 days later fine no pain. Also FF is fab for LO he loves it and OH gets really involved too and so can my sisters and my mom also helps with nursery as he's used to it so one less change when he goes.

I maybe weird for thinking like this as I know it affects us all differently but I would have a c sectiion again and after OBEM I would never want to give birth it looks horrifying!

 

[chezziepie]

okay, i had posted about the below before, but my post didn't make it to this thread.

some of the women in this thread have expressed how much they are hurt by blinkies that say things like "BF champion" or "I make milk, what's your superpower?" These blinkies can be especially hurtful in a thread such as this one. If someone's signature tickers/blinkies are inappropriate to a particular thread they are posting in, there is a little check-box below the quick reply that you can un-check: "Show your signature." It's just a matter of decency and respect.

I have turned my signature off several times if I felt it would be inappropriate to display it in a particular thread - for example, if someone's thread is about how their husband/fiance/boyfriend is cheating on her and leaving her, i'd turn off my signature if I posted in her thread b/c she doesn't need to see "happily married" thrown in her face when I go in to post - that's just not what she needs to see in that thread.

Similarly, it is great that some BF'ers are wanting to contribute to the discussion in this thread, but if your ticker has language like "champion" or "superpower," it might be best to just turn that sucker off when posting in here. The feelings of regret/guilt/sadness over not being able to BF run pretty deep, so again, it's just a matter of decency.

Just sayin'.

Thanks.

thank you what a lovely post

 

[MrsPOP]

Oooof, seems Ive missed a lot today (Ive been sitting an exam).

Firstly, the bond thing. Lawhra, we've discussed this before (as we are FB buddies) and you know how hurt I was when you mentioned that your bond is different/better with Aidie as it was with Louis. TBH I was utterly devestated when you told me that, although I appreciated that was *your experience* and yours alone and you didnt tell me it out of nastiness. I have another very good friend on this site who, like you, formula fed her first beautiful little one and is currently just over a month into BFing her second beautiful little one and I had told her that I had been told the bond with a BF baby is supposedly 'better' and she says the bond she feels for both of her daughters is exactly the same and good LORD did I need to hear that from her because after hearing this 'bond with BF is better' I was heartbroken and it made my BF-related depression even worse for a good while

I understand you are an honest person and you know I love you to bits hun but the purpose of this thread is quite clear in the title and the stories of all these wonderful ladies who for many reasons feel they are less of a mother because they dont/couldnt BF their babies...this thread is for SUPPORT to get over grief and guilt. Telling ladies who arent as lucky as you have been to succeed in the Great Big BF Journey that the breastfeedng bond is better isnt really supportive hon. It doesnt serve any good purpose.

Secondly, the blinkie thing. Well Im at the stage in getting over the whole BF thing that I dont care about the BF blinkies now, its just the really cruddy 'superpower' one that gets on my non-lactating tits

As for the section, I think thats relevant too if people want to discuss that here. I was talking about this today with a fellow doctor, she had 2 sections and she says she feel cheated (she also BF her first baby and couldnt with her second) out of a natural birth too.

I felt like a second class women for not being able to go 'Full Vagina' as Ive christened it but you know, this thread has empowered me enough to start to release my negative feelings towards the section as well as the BFing and to be able to not want to vomit with fear when I think about TTCing no2.

Maybe Im being naive and perhaps if I end up with another section and not being able to BF I may feel different. But I do feel better about things now and I know those who arent *quite* there will get there because let me tell you, I never EVER thought I would. I thought I would loathe myself forever.

 

[prgirl_cesca]

I agree with regards to the flashing 'bf champion' tags. To be honest I'm not sure where breastfeeders belong in a thread that is quite obviously for women who have found it hard to bf and have stopped and feeling terrible about it.

I felt the same when I had a miscarriage and people would come and offer advice when they conceived first try and haven't had any problems. I also know other part of the forum that end up unhappy with posters from the opposite spectrum to them commenting on their threads. Someone with one loss posting in recurrent miscarriage thread, people who have fell pregnant first cycle posting in clomid threads etc etc.

Also, if there was a breastfeeding thread about how much someone loved breastfeeding and one of us came on and said "actually it was bloody awful for me, why don't you try a bottle?" we'd be lynched. And quite rightly, because it doesn't belong there.

 

[summer rain]

I just wanted to point out that the BF 'champion' blinkie is absolutely nada to do with BF 'achievement' or being superior because of being able to BF-but instead it is a blinkie for anyone who has BF 3 months or more (thats 3 months in total, can be with more than one baby) who has experience of BF difficulties and can offer advice to other mums in a special thread in the BF section-and that is all. Its basically just a BF 'helper', champion was simply a catchy name for the thread and those who post in it. I would hate to think the badge is being misconstrued and people are upset or offended by it because of misconceptions about what the badge is saying . Also there are BF women (myself included) who have had to give up and go to FF, perhaps not with this child but perhaps on multiple occasions in the past, yet I don't feel I can post my experiences solely to do with what happened on this thread because I feel that some of the participants would be offended, yet I do still have unresolved issues from those times (it happened twice) xx

 

[MrsPOP]

Summer Rain if you have unresolved issues and you need to share, please please do. Ive said many times that this thread is for ANYBODY who has dealt with BF guilt in anyway shape or form. Its not about exclusion here I think tbh the more BFers that read this thread the better, because this thread is also about sharing our stories with the wider BnB population. I think many of us have felt hurt from ill-thought comments and I wanted those people to realise that BF is not cut and dry. The difficulties arent just the physical but the emotional too.

 

[MrsPOP]

Oh and yes, the BF Champion thing is to help support other ladies with BF issues, not and achievement thing

 

[ChocolateKate]

Kimini, would you be so kind to share the link to the article you were reading? I have to say, even with my daughter 5 months tomorrow I'm still struggling and now I'm wondering how much of this is to do with BFing. In my head though, even after a very straightforward, quick labour I feel everything has gone downhill from birth and I probably should go and talk to someone professionally. She is a very grumpy baby and I am naturally my own worst critic. Anyway, thank you for letting me get that off my chest.

PRgirl_cesca - I also suffered with an infected abscess and have the scar to match. I think I'd benefit from swapping stories if you're open to PMs? As much as it is great that abscesses are rare (I wouldn't wish one on my worst enemy) I am yet to chat to others who have experienced something similar and the pain they cause moving forward, physically and psychologically. I also have been advised never to attempt to breast feed again should I choose to have another child.

Once again, thank you ladies for all your inspirational stories and support, you keep me sane. X

 

[vintage67]

I've had 2 c-sections and 2 attempts to breastfeed go horribly wrong.

My c-sections never bothered me as they made very rational sense to me. I was shocked actually, after my first one, to see such nastiness online about c-sections and references to "natural birth". Some take it so far as it seems you've given birth to some sort of "mutant" and denied the child something.
Does anyone here recall being born? I sure don't. Might have been found under a cabbage leaf for all I know. I do understand the grief some women feel, because of what I have been through with breastfeeding, but I truly think the internet exacerbates this.

And I can say that breastfeeding going wrong the first time would probably have depressed me, but I would not have ended up down by the river in my car with it running had it not been for the internet. Maybe that makes my character weak that I let the opinions of so-called "lactivists" push me that far. And I should be old enough and secure enough today that the ramblings of women online should glide right off of me. And some days it does.

But oh, there are other days to be sure.

Last week, I was reading a news story about some child abuse case, and buried in the reader's comments totally out of the blue, a woman had posted a rant about attachment parenting and how social services never had to go to any breastfeeding households! I was able to walk away from that rolling my eyes, but I do fear the woman reading that who is fresh in her grief or still struggling to breastfeed.