The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[patch2006uk]

The problem is that society has moved towards this idea where "natural = good" and "artificial = bad". For example, a lot of people perceive that herbal remedies are "better" than nasty drugs made by "Big Pharma", when in fact some herbal "medicines" are inneffective, others are downright harmful.

So when people refer to formula as "artificial", there is a very strong implication that this means it is "bad".

It's all very well saying that something is "just a word" or "just a fact", but when people are telling you "This word makes me feel even worse", to try and deny the impact is just belittling them all over again.

No belittling was intended.

 

[vintage67]

okay, ladies, I would suggest not reading the book, "Nighttime Parenting" by Dr. Sears. I liked the book until half-way through it starts talking about night time feeding.

It was a dozen pages of basically, "Breastfeeding is best... breastfeeding is a wonderful bond... so easy to feed a breastfed baby... breastfed baby falls back to sleep easily and is more content... breastfeeding... breastfeeding... breastfeeding... keep up the good work if you're breastfeeding... oh, and by the way, those of you who are ARTIFICIALLY FEEDING your baby, watch out for tooth rot b/c the baby's not making as much saliva at night when you're giving it a bottle so it can't rinse out the sugar."

Yeah - he called FF artificial. ugh. i told my friend about it on the phone, and she was like, that makes it sound like you're feeding him through a tube or something!

i'm really tired of all the baby books droning on and on about BF with little tiny caveats about FF'ers thrown in as afterthoughts. Every book I've checked out is like that, and it doesn't matter if it is an attachment parenting style book or an anti-attachment parenting - they all assume everyone can breastfeed and is going to be able to. ugh.

fides, I have grown to despise Dr. Sears.

And you are absolutely right. You can't pick up a baby magazine without being "bombarded" boobs-a-blazing about breastfeeding. Give it a rest already and let the rest of us feed and love our babies in peace.

I also protest the use of the word "artificial". It's offensive. And since we are formula feeding moms, we will decide what's offensive or not.

 

[vintage67]

A very funny blog post about Dr. Sears, written tongue-in-cheek style.


https://www.mommywantsvodka.com/dr-sears-can-kiss-my-fluffy-white-butt

 

[queenlavera]

I can't stand Dr. Sears either, his "mechanical parenting" rant annoys me as well. Sorry that my arms can't put my baby to sleep but the swing can.

 

[Annie77]

I had my daughters by section; 1 was emergency and saved our lives, the 2nd was elective for medical reasons. One cheeky bugger, on hearing this tried to 'console' me by saying "but at least you are breast feeding"
WTF??? It doesn't matter how you give birth, how you feed, what you do with your placenta or where your baby sleeps etc. The only thing that matters is that you and your baby are safe and well. Although I did BF the one thing I despised are militant mums who harp on about BF - we all get advice and make a choice. Militant mums only serve to make BF less attractive and make those mums who struggle with BF guilty.

I am very glad I didn't use BNB when I had my daughter as I think all the mixed opinions would have made my head spin

 

[vintage67]

The internet is an odd place indeed. Everyone's an expert.

 

[Karlie06]

I had my daughters by section; 1 was emergency and saved our lives, the 2nd was elective for medical reasons. One cheeky bugger, on hearing this tried to 'console' me by saying "but at least you are breast feeding"
WTF??? It doesn't matter how you give birth, how you feed, what you do with your placenta or where your baby sleeps etc. The only thing that matters is that you and your baby are safe and well. Although I did BF the one thing I despised are militant mums who harp on about BF - we all get advice and make a choice. Militant mums only serve to make BF less attractive and make those mums who struggle with BF guilty.

I am very glad I didn't use BNB when I had my daughter as I think all the mixed opinions would have made my head spin

Annie77, I agree with every single word you have said!!! Thank you, I couldn't have put it better myself xx

 

[Lil_Pixie]

I was at Xander's water babies class today, and I was feeding him in the changing room after. I was talking to one of the other mums in the class and she was telling me how her baby hadn't grown properly being bf and she'd had to stop. She went into a big rant about how no one ever tells you about the struggles of bfing and what to do when things to wrong etc. then I realised, she was acting like she had to justify ff to me. It was the first time Ive come across bf guilt in real life and I felt like I'd ruined that woman's day just by feeding my little man. I don't really know any mums who've tried bfing in real life and it really opened my eyes.

 

[vintage67]

I'm sorry for both of you ladies at the water babies class. Here both of you are, doing what's best for your families and one feels guilty and one feels bad for making another feel guilty!

That's how highly charged this whole thing can be!

I have to say that I when I see a breastfeeding mom, I instantly assign a whole range of personality traits to her and I realize that is unfair. The internet distorts our perception because some of the most "militant" people are often the ones who take the time to get online.

I had to give my baby a bottle at my son's basketball practice this morning. It was a
Saturday, and I was actually the only mom there as the other kids were brought by their dads. (my husband works Saturdays). I was very relieved there were no other moms there to see me with the bottle. BUT , for all I know one of the men could have been so militant he ran straight home to "tattle on me."

 

[Snuffy]

Dr Sears sounds like a joy. I am eternally grateful that I have never had the urge to read any of his blurb.

 

[emyandpotato]

I was at Xander's water babies class today, and I was feeding him in the changing room after. I was talking to one of the other mums in the class and she was telling me how her baby hadn't grown properly being bf and she'd had to stop. She went into a big rant about how no one ever tells you about the struggles of bfing and what to do when things to wrong etc. then I realised, she was acting like she had to justify ff to me. It was the first time Ive come across bf guilt in real life and I felt like I'd ruined that woman's day just by feeding my little man. I don't really know any mums who've tried bfing in real life and it really opened my eyes.

I feel like giving everyone who sees me bottle feed my whole BF story. I do if I get the chance. I can't shake the feeling that the whole world is judging me. People go on about BF in public, I'd much rather try that than FF in public.

 

[salb10]

It certainly took me a while to make peace with myself for combination feeding my LO - he is mainly FF but has some BM every day, but when i did, i honestly feel like i could shout it from the roof tops!!

My poor LO had his head grabbed, twisted and forced on to my breast at the hospital, and he absolutely screamed the place down- when i gave him a syringe of formula the midwife came and 'had a word with me' - asking why i had done what i did and made me feel like i had just fed him poison! they even had a disclaimer form they wanted you to sign if u wanted them to give your baby formula!!!

What those numpties failed to spot was that my poor LO had a broken collar bone on his Right, and a torn sternocleidomastoid muscle on his left!! so no matter which side i tried to feed him on, it was obviously very painful for himl!
They just kept saying, 'oooh isn't he fractious', and one particular gem was 'Is he always like this?!' Errr, hello?? I've only known him for ONE day!!!
it wasn't until my community midwife saw us at home that she spotted the break- the very first time she held him!
I feel they spent way to much time shoving BF down my throat when they should have been taking more care to check my baby was ok.

My poor sister exclusively BF both her girls, now 7 and 9yrs and they both had colic, both had eczema, one had chicken pox at 3 months, they both have all the colds and coughs under the sun and they both are total nightmares when it comes to eating now!!! so all those apparent benefits are not showing themselves to her! and she spent the first few months absolutely shattered, feeding every 2hrs, and losing so much weight she was a gaunt shadow of her former self! It was 3 months before she went to sleep before midnight!!
A current friend is exclusively BF and her LO has been in hospital with bronchiolitis, yet another ailment that is supposed to be less likely in BF babies!!
Touch wood, my combination fed baby hasn't had any colds or coughs, even though i have been ill myself since he was born, he is bang on the 50th percentile, he sleeps like a dream and has done since about 3 weeks, and he is a lovely happy smiley baby!!

Whilst i think being able to grow a baby on BM alone is fantastic, and i have a lot of respect for those who do, it is not the be all and end all!! Me and both my sisters are all FF babies who have turned into healthy strong adults! MY DH was given carnation milk when he was a baby and he has much better immunity than even i do!!!

It frustrates me that BF'ing seems to be more of a priority than the mothers own mental health/ sanity. Surely a happy mum to a FF baby is better than a miserable mum to a BF baby??

 

[vintage67]

This thread is worth 100's of dollars in therapy for me!

 

[maddog37]

I feel like giving everyone who sees me bottle feed my whole BF story. I do if I get the chance. I can't shake the feeling that the whole world is judging me. People go on about BF in public, I'd much rather try that than FF in public.

I didn't want to but at times felt like I had no choice. I went to a Baby and Me yoga class and when I took out the bottle to feed, the instructor was like, "is that expressed breastmilk in the bottle?" I said no, it's formula. She and all the mothers in the class (only a class of 6 ppl and 2 were still pregnant, but still) asked why? Why am I not bf'ing? I made some vague comment that it wasn't working out, we were having problems. They automatically suggest (ha!) nipple shield as they assumed it was a latching problem. I said it wasn't just latching, he just was too sleepy. They won't believe me despite seeing my son sleep through every single class even at 6 weeks while the other babies howl. They suggested all the obvious ways to wake a baby.

And they wouldn't let up. Eventually I told them that I was diagnosed with severe PNA and PND, was put on a sedative partially triggered by not being able to bf and couldn't feed anymore due to meds.

That was apparently a sufficient enough answer to shut them up. I wanted to cry. Thank God I didn't have to bring up PTSD from childhood abuse triggered by the birth.

 

[Kage76]

I feel like giving everyone who sees me bottle feed my whole BF story. I do if I get the chance. I can't shake the feeling that the whole world is judging me. People go on about BF in public, I'd much rather try that than FF in public.

I didn't want to but at times felt like I had no choice. I went to a Baby and Me yoga class and when I took out the bottle to feed, the instructor was like, "is that expressed breastmilk in the bottle?" I said no, it's formula. She and all the mothers in the class (only a class of 6 ppl and 2 were still pregnant, but still) asked why? Why am I not bf'ing? I made some vague comment that it wasn't working out, we were having problems. They automatically suggest (ha!) nipple shield as they assumed it was a latching problem. I said it wasn't just latching, he just was too sleepy. They won't believe me despite seeing my son sleep through every single class even at 6 weeks while the other babies howl. They suggested all the obvious ways to wake a baby.

And they wouldn't let up. Eventually I told them that I was diagnosed with severe PNA and PND, was put on a sedative partially triggered by not being able to bf and couldn't feed anymore due to meds.

That was apparently a sufficient enough answer to shut them up. I wanted to cry. Thank God I didn't have to bring up PTSD from childhood abuse triggered by the birth.

FFS- this is what shits me about some BF mums - not all - but some. I know that they are trying to be helpful but the have you tried X Y Z would drive me insane. At times I felt like wearing a shirt-

YES IM FORMULA FEEDING
I understand that breast is best- if i had a fricking CHOICE i would be doing it
Yes I have tried the following : different holds, nipple sheilds, herbal suppliements, drugs and pumping to increase supply
At the moment my emotional state is fragile- so please don't make me justify why BF is not working for me and please please don't demean me with your pity.
Just because you managed to get through does not mean i didn't try as hard as you. I'm sure your cracked nipples and mastitis hurt- but don't assume because you managed to get over the hump that everyone can.
I do not need to know how bad formula is and in reverse you don't need to tell me endlessly the benefits of breastfeeding. Chances are I know it better than you because I have spent the last 4 weeks googleing trying to find the reason I cant breastfeed and it keeps on re-enforcing what the benefits are.
I have a GREAT bond with my child. She loves me for looking after ALL her needs not just one. Changing a poo-y nappy is just as important as the food going in- Im making sure she is well fed. the end. well done me.
Were you breast-fed as a child? chances are no- you seemed to do just fine... well maybe there is an issue with the drop in IQ because you clearly can't see how distressed im getting justifying to you why I can't breastfeed.


ok rant over lol

Edit: I mean no offence to the lovely BF ladies who are on this thread- I just wish there were more of you out there.

 

[maddog37]

^ Well done you!

I lol'ed at the drop in IQ bit.

 

[Leopard]

I still find I get dirtier looks for bfing in public then when I give DD a bottle. It's just accepted that bottles are normal I guess

 

[vintage67]

I feel like giving everyone who sees me bottle feed my whole BF story. I do if I get the chance. I can't shake the feeling that the whole world is judging me. People go on about BF in public, I'd much rather try that than FF in public.

I didn't want to but at times felt like I had no choice. I went to a Baby and Me yoga class and when I took out the bottle to feed, the instructor was like, "is that expressed breastmilk in the bottle?" I said no, it's formula. She and all the mothers in the class (only a class of 6 ppl and 2 were still pregnant, but still) asked why? Why am I not bf'ing? I made some vague comment that it wasn't working out, we were having problems. They automatically suggest (ha!) nipple shield as they assumed it was a latching problem. I said it wasn't just latching, he just was too sleepy. They won't believe me despite seeing my son sleep through every single class even at 6 weeks while the other babies howl. They suggested all the obvious ways to wake a baby.

And they wouldn't let up. Eventually I told them that I was diagnosed with severe PNA and PND, was put on a sedative partially triggered by not being able to bf and couldn't feed anymore due to meds.

That was apparently a sufficient enough answer to shut them up. I wanted to cry. Thank God I didn't have to bring up PTSD from childhood abuse triggered by the birth.

FFS- this is what shits me about some BF mums - not all - but some. I know that they are trying to be helpful but the have you tried X Y Z would drive me insane. At times I felt like wearing a shirt-

YES IM FORMULA FEEDING
I understand that breast is best- if i had a fricking CHOICE i would be doing it
Yes I have tried the following : different holds, nipple sheilds, herbal suppliements, drugs and pumping to increase supply
At the moment my emotional state is fragile- so please don't make me justify why BF is not working for me and please please don't demean me with your pity.
Just because you managed to get through does not mean i didn't try as hard as you. I'm sure your cracked nipples and mastitis hurt- but don't assume because you managed to get over the hump that everyone can.
I do not need to know how bad formula is and in reverse you don't need to tell me endlessly the benefits of breastfeeding. Chances are I know it better than you because I have spent the last 4 weeks googleing trying to find the reason I cant breastfeed and it keeps on re-enforcing what the benefits are.
I have a GREAT bond with my child. She loves me for looking after ALL her needs not just one. Changing a poo-y nappy is just as important as the food going in- Im making sure she is well fed. the end. well done me.
Were you breast-fed as a child? chances are no- you seemed to do just fine... well maybe there is an issue with the drop in IQ because you clearly can't see how distressed im getting justifying to you why I can't breastfeed.


ok rant over lol

Edit: I mean no offence to the lovely BF ladies who are on this thread- I just wish there were more of you out there.

Brilliant! I'll order one of those shirts!

I actually thought about making up fliers to distribute!
It's all so true!
Did you...? Yes.
What about..? yes
There's also...yep, did that too!
and so on and so on and so on!

 

[Kage76]

I still find I get dirtier looks for bfing in public then when I give DD a bottle. It's just accepted that bottles are normal I guess

Hey Leopard- how are you going with the combi feeding? Is your LO's tummy gotten used to the formula or is she still a bit colicky?

 

[nickyXjayno]

people are made to feel bad for not bfeeding & it's ridiculous as bfeeding isn't always best.
my auntie always repeated that her daughter couldn't latch to me & I hate that she does because it's obvious she's trying to justify herself & why?
if your baby is growing & thriving on what ever its being fed then that's all that matters.
far better for a baby to be on formula & thriving than not growing properly on bmilk.
militant bfeeders get my back up also, some are so obsessed its like they think it's them against the drs if a Dr is concerned about baby.