The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[prgirl_cesca]

It's strange because one of my BF friends' son has the most extreme colic - he would scream from 3pm - midnight EVERY night. Literally scream non stop and not even nap. She went to doctors (she herself is a senior paediatric nurse) and no one could give her an answer other than the 'he'll grow out of it' message.

Turns out she got poorly with sickness bug so ended up giving her son formula for a couple of days because she wanted to minimise passing the bug to him and his colic just disappeared. She gave up bf completely about a week later and he was a different baby.

It's mad because I bet the pro-bf militia would have a go at her and tell her to try dietary changes first but the fact is her baby was a million times happier and so was she after she stopped feeding him.

 

[salb10]

you have to wonder if the 'colic' is really just that the baby was soooo hungry?! Both my sisters BF babies had 'colic' but even she wonders now if it was just that they were both really really hungry all the time??!

 

[patch2006uk]

Supporting others who have struggled with breastfeeding was the original purpose of this thread. The last 2 pages have turned into a breastfeeding bashing thread.

No, colic isn't that babies are 'too hungry'. Yes, shock horror, bf babies get sick. No, breastfeeding isn't a miracle cure all for every ailment. It's just milk.

 

[Snuffy]

It's odd, the only time I have ever found myself trying to justify ff was to the hospital midwife who asked how I wanted to feed Ollie. They were really militant in there when I had Amy and I was trying to explain that I wanted to give him an initial bf but then ff based on my past experience and she just said that she was passionate about bf but even more passionate about just feeding. I guess I was lucky having seen some stories here. I remember the lady and her little boy in the bed opposite me and Amy sobbing in the middle of the night that she had changed her mind and wanted to ff and they wouldn't let her and that scared me a bit - in fact it's probably why I was scared to commit to saying I wanted to give bf a proper go this time.

I do think that sometimes for all their good intentions, the more militant lactivists do their own cause more harm than good. My colleague at work recently had her first baby and she was all for giving bf a go, but after her bf antenatal class she came into work saying they had scared her and wondering if it wasn't just easier to ff from the start.

Incidentally my t-shirt would say "Yes it's formula - and it's none of your damn concern why"

 

[Kage76]

if i caused offence- patch it wasn't intended and i apologise . Overall most BF mothers have been really supportive of me- as most things it seems its always its the minority that i have had an issue with and unfortunately its because they have been- for want of a better word- too supportive and too eager to wade in and diagnose why i have had issues- I know the problem wasn't really with them- its me- the voice in my head was always the loudest- its just that they were unintentionally opening a very raw wound that i was trying to get over and heal. I'm very happy to say I am at peace with FF- as i am at peace with others being able to BF- I can honestly say that I hope everyone has an easier time than me BF because everyone deserves to be able to BF- I would not wish the anguish of those first 6 weeks on my worst enemy.

 

[Kage76]

you have to wonder if the 'colic' is really just that the baby was soooo hungry?! Both my sisters BF babies had 'colic' but even she wonders now if it was just that they were both really really hungry all the time??!

I think colic can be all matter of things. the only person who really knows what's going on is a very small person, with limited communication skills with the attitude of verruca salt (FIX IT NOW MUMMY!!!!) Its like playing a game of cold- warmer- hot with someone who doesn't speak the language.

 

[MrsPOP]

Patch with all due respect this thread has not turned into a BF bashing thread. The fact we are on here because we have experienced BF grief and guilt shows we are not BF bashers, we would have loved to BF!!!! It's inevitable that we do talk about the attitudes of some of the militant lactivists whose purpose in life seems to be to make FF mums feel like shit rather than what they *should* be doing and supporting those who struggle because we have all been made to feel like shit for FF by some lactivists whoclewrly think it isn't 'just milk' but the be all and end all of motherhood.

 

[buddyIV]

Guilt is such a complex emotion! I feel guilty about not BF for as long as I wanted to, and this made me uber-sensitive to comments about any negative implications of not long-term BF. It also made me occasionally defensive about using formula. All that, taken together, meant that I sometimes went on the attack towards "those militant types"...though all this only ever took place in my head. I knew it was irrational, a classic case of transference, and so I didn't actually ever say anything to anyone (online or otherwise).

I think Patch is right to some degree, but I think that it's a part of the grieving process for some women: a little bit of transfered anger.

Of course, I'm only speaking for myself here...I'd never profess to know how other's feel!

P.S. I also used to feel compelled to explain why I had stopped BF to any BF Mother, even if she'd never asked. I did manage a few months, so I think most people assumed I'd just felt like I'd done my bit. But I felt I HAD to tell them my struggle, like they'd be judging me if I didn't explain in full gory detail how bad it had gotten for us. I probably just put them off their lunch!

 

[roonsma]

Hi Hun :wave: I've read your first post and wanted to give you a .

I came very close to having to stop bf a few times as my supply was bad. I went to buy bottles and I can remenber walking round asda in tears. I cried alot about it and i was devestated at the prospect of having to stop.

Anyhow i got by but now i can see it both ways. Bf'ding isn't the b all, whats important is that babies nutritional needs are met whatever way. I love bfding though and count myself lucky i was able to do it and i have alot of sympathy for those who couldn't, i'll never forget how sad i was back then

 

[Lil_Pixie]

Lmao kage!!! That's exactly what it's like!!

 

[summer rain]

Patch with all due respect this thread has not turned into a BF bashing thread. The fact we are on here because we have experienced BF grief and guilt shows we are not BF bashers, we would have loved to BF!!!! It's inevitable that we do talk about the attitudes of some of the militant lactivists whose purpose in life seems to be to make FF mums feel like shit rather than what they *should* be doing and supporting those who struggle because we have all been made to feel like shit for FF by some lactivists whoclewrly think it isn't 'just milk' but the be all and end all of motherhood.

I'm sorry but can I respectfully disagree-it isn't all posters but like many other threads on this forum several people have raised up the same stereotypical views about 'BF militants', which do exist but there are militant pro-FFers as well, also the usual stereotypes that babies who have colic or weight gain problems and are breastfed it must be they are not getting enough to eat, or it must be something in the breastmilk causing this, is no better than militant BF attitudes. I don't think BF mums who want to try dietary changes or want to look into underlying causes for certain issues are militants either; yet this is being insinuated by some. Instead like you they just want the best for their babies. BF mums whose babies have health issues get enough of this assumption that BF is the one thing causing their babies' health issues from misguided HCPs, as despite misconceptions of some on here formula top ups or switching to formula is almost always advised without any investigation whatsoever; even when BF is otherwise going extremely well and mum is happy to continue. Then when it is realised by the health professionals that formula top ups are not helping with the issue BF has often been stopped and cannot be restarted. Just as women should not be pushed into continuing BF if things are clearly not working; women should not be pushed into stopping BF as a 'quick fix' solution if it is working.

 

[buddyIV]

Patch with all due respect this thread has not turned into a BF bashing thread. The fact we are on here because we have experienced BF grief and guilt shows we are not BF bashers, we would have loved to BF!!!! It's inevitable that we do talk about the attitudes of some of the militant lactivists whose purpose in life seems to be to make FF mums feel like shit rather than what they *should* be doing and supporting those who struggle because we have all been made to feel like shit for FF by some lactivists whoclewrly think it isn't 'just milk' but the be all and end all of motherhood.

I'm sorry but can I respectfully disagree-it isn't all posters but like many other threads on this forum several people have raised up the same stereotypical views about 'BF militants', which do exist but there are militant pro-FFers as well, also the usual stereotypes that babies who have colic or weight gain problems and are breastfed it must be they are not getting enough to eat, or it must be something in the breastmilk causing this, is no better than militant BF attitudes. I don't think BF mums who want to try dietary changes or want to look into underlying causes for certain issues are militants either; yet this is being insinuated by some. Instead like you they just want the best for their babies. BF mums whose babies have health issues get enough of this assumption that BF is the one thing causing their babies' health issues from misguided HCPs, as despite misconceptions of some on here formula top ups or switching to formula is almost always advised without any investigation whatsoever; even when BF is otherwise going extremely well and mum is happy to continue. Then when it is realised by the health professionals that formula top ups are not helping with the issue BF has often been stopped and cannot be restarted. Just as women should not be pushed into continuing BF if things are clearly not working; women should not be pushed into stopping BF as a 'quick fix' solution if it is working.

I think this is a universal issue; as soon as a baby has any issues, the feeding method is blamed and the alternative method is lauded as the cure-all. It puts an awful lot of pressure on parents to make changes that they may not be 100% comfortable with, or perhaps makes them regret and earlier decision to switch, which may be another reason for guilty feelings later on.

 

[tina3747]

Dr Sears sounds like a joy. I am eternally grateful that I have never had the urge to read any of his blurb.

I quite like 'some' of his parenting techniques!
I'm a mum of a 12 yr old as well as a 9 month old. I'm pretty much of the 'rod for your own back' generation where certain things you shouldn't do because your spoiling your child ect. Listening to my mum, sisters ect they made me feel quite uneasy that I wanted to pick him up a lot or didn't have so much of a routine all those years ago so reading things on his website made me feel a little better that it's not a bad thing to comfort your crying baby!
I don't like the breast feeding bit but I suppose that's because I only did 6 weeks.. And I know my ff son is happy and healthy even though I threw in the towel! I've definatly found this time round, wether its because I'm older, more experienced, or just because I hear others points of view on this site that I've been more confident in doing what I think is right at that time.

I'm not following a style, a book, a certain technique ect I'm just doing what feels right at the time. I was never interested in baby wearing at all but just been glancing at some nice carriers on the web and I might become a late starter. Just feels more right to me now!

 

[MrsPOP]

Summer rain the whole point of this thread is to support those who have struggled and that will inevitably mean discussing the lactivists type because like it or not they exist and have caused women like me a lot of pain. No-one is saying militant FFers don't exist but discussing them here is pointless because no-one here is discussing BF vs FF, they are discussig their grief of not being able to BF and the way others have worsened that grief.

I'm not explaining myself very well but I guess I'm saying just because people are discussing how lactivists have made them feel like shit for FF does not make this a BF bashing thread.

 

[MrsPOP]

And furthermore my LO's weight gain issue was because of BF problems

 

[Kage76]

Patch with all due respect this thread has not turned into a BF bashing thread. The fact we are on here because we have experienced BF grief and guilt shows we are not BF bashers, we would have loved to BF!!!! It's inevitable that we do talk about the attitudes of some of the militant lactivists whose purpose in life seems to be to make FF mums feel like shit rather than what they *should* be doing and supporting those who struggle because we have all been made to feel like shit for FF by some lactivists whoclewrly think it isn't 'just milk' but the be all and end all of motherhood.

I'm sorry but can I respectfully disagree-it isn't all posters but like many other threads on this forum several people have raised up the same stereotypical views about 'BF militants', which do exist but there are militant pro-FFers as well, also the usual stereotypes that babies who have colic or weight gain problems and are breastfed it must be they are not getting enough to eat, or it must be something in the breastmilk causing this, is no better than militant BF attitudes. I don't think BF mums who want to try dietary changes or want to look into underlying causes for certain issues are militants either; yet this is being insinuated by some. Instead like you they just want the best for their babies. BF mums whose babies have health issues get enough of this assumption that BF is the one thing causing their babies' health issues from misguided HCPs, as despite misconceptions of some on here formula top ups or switching to formula is almost always advised without any investigation whatsoever; even when BF is otherwise going extremely well and mum is happy to continue. Then when it is realised by the health professionals that formula top ups are not helping with the issue BF has often been stopped and cannot be restarted. Just as women should not be pushed into continuing BF if things are clearly not working; women should not be pushed into stopping BF as a 'quick fix' solution if it is working.

I think this is a universal issue; as soon as a baby has any issues, the feeding method is blamed and the alternative method is lauded as the cure-all. It puts an awful lot of pressure on parents to make changes that they may not be 100% comfortable with, or perhaps makes them regret and earlier decision to switch, which may be another reason for guilty feelings later on.

The one thing this thread has highlighted for me is that both sides have major hurdles to get over- and everyone has heard of or experienced unwanted advice regardless of feeding method.

 

[summer rain]

And furthermore my LO's weight gain issue was because of BF problems

But this isn't the case with all BF babies with weight gain problems AND it was being insinuated on this thread that BF babies have MORE illness, MORE problems with weight gain, MORE colic etc and is probably due to them not getting enough-I am sorry but that is BF bashing whichever way it is looked at and as someone who has been in both scenarios I don't see how that is beneficial to anyone.

 

[Jennifaerie]

And furthermore my LO's weight gain issue was because of BF problems

ditto! She dropped from 50th to 25th centile. Not great considering she's 90th centile for height.

I have always been adamant I would bf until 6 months....until I had LO who wouldn't latch for 3 weeks. Got her on the boob only for her to have weight gain issues, then a random nursing strike 3 weeks later that's gone on a fortnight. I've now been told the reason my SPD hasn't gone could be because of bfing. That on top of everything else has made me feel it's not in my interests or LO's to continue. Esp considering I've been told by my physio I've not to carry her car seat, kneel to change her etc. If there's a chance my hip could improve then I'm taking it. Plus I don't have the energy to keep expressing and having to top up anyway as she's still hungry. ATM I'm slowly stopping expressing and adding it to her formula, but it doesn't make me feel any better when LO roots for comfort and I think for a second she might bf then have a screaming hungry baby on my hands and boobs spraying everywhere.

I think whatever the reason we have been unable to continue bfing (not failed) then we've given our LOs the best start we can and we should be proud of that!

 

[Jennifaerie]

And furthermore my LO's weight gain issue was because of BF problems

But this isn't the case with all BF babies with weight gain problems AND it was being insinuated on this thread that BF babies have MORE illness, MORE problems with weight gain, MORE colic etc and is probably due to them not getting enough-I am sorry but that is BF bashing whichever way it is looked at and as someone who has been in both scenarios I don't see how that is beneficial to anyone.

I've not seen the posts your talking about but think most people on here aren't bashing bfing. I so wish I could have continued, and it makes me so sad when LO does want boob as I she just won't take it if I offer. They were probably just letting off some steam about being looked at sideways for formula feeding by people who don't know our reasons for stopping, or who haven't been in the situ.

I don't know about others on here but next time round I will fully intend to breast feed again and hope it goes better

 

[summer rain]

And furthermore my LO's weight gain issue was because of BF problems

But this isn't the case with all BF babies with weight gain problems AND it was being insinuated on this thread that BF babies have MORE illness, MORE problems with weight gain, MORE colic etc and is probably due to them not getting enough-I am sorry but that is BF bashing whichever way it is looked at and as someone who has been in both scenarios I don't see how that is beneficial to anyone.

I've not seen the posts your talking about but think most people on here aren't bashing bfing. I so wish I could have continued, and it makes me so sad when LO does want boob as I she just won't take it if I offer. They were probably just letting off some steam about being looked at sideways for formula feeding by people who don't know our reasons for stopping, or who haven't been in the situ.

I don't know about others on here but next time round I will fully intend to breast feed again and hope it goes better

No it isn't most; it is just a couple of posters. I also had to give up BFing with two of mine (and one of those I was combi feeding most of the rest of the time) so I have seen it from both sides