The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Kage76]

And furthermore my LO's weight gain issue was because of BF problems

But this isn't the case with all BF babies with weight gain problems AND it was being insinuated on this thread that BF babies have MORE illness, MORE problems with weight gain, MORE colic etc and is probably due to them not getting enough-I am sorry but that is BF bashing whichever way it is looked at and as someone who has been in both scenarios I don't see how that is beneficial to anyone.

I think when you have failed to breastfeed- you desperately look for examples and reassurance that your baby will survive formula. We all tell ourselves and look for comforting stories- "I/My OH/sister/brother was formula fed and they are ok". Its a way of re-assuring yourself that you are not doing harm to your child. By seeing examples of breast fed children having the same issues as we are told formula fed children will be more likely to have- its a way of telling yourself that a your children are not doomed to a life of ear infections excema allergy's and lowered IQ. I don't think there was any intention to bash BF mums- i think its just women looking for that silver lining.

 

[MrsPOP]

No I know it isn't always the case but it does happen and shouldn't be dismissed because it's a negative about some bf experiences.

I think I'm not explaining myself well, Jennifaerie is explaining better than me.

I don think anyone is insinuating anything about BF causing more colic etc rather I think it's more...

Right well we get told 'BF babies don't get reflux, colic, ill etc' and when we switch to FF we feel guilty that we're exposing our children to these terrible things. So when you see that BF babies DO get reflux, colic, ear infections etc it's a weird kind of relief to know BF isn't the magical forcefield against illness that we aren't providing to our LOs.

So I think the discussion about colic etc wasn't bashing BF, it's women realising that a part of FF a lot of us feel guilty about shouldn't be the case IYKWIM?

I'm really not explaining myself very well at all, rough night.

It's all a part of the BF grief experience though, women unfortunately may feel negatively towards BF or Miltant BFers after what they have been through and that's the whole point of this thread to get all these feelings out in the open in order to heal and move on.

For example, my discussing my upset towards BF blinkies has helped metopes let go of my negative feelings towards them. So discussing how BF babies can be colicky etc may be part of letting go of that aspect of BF guilt in order to move on.

 

[patch2006uk]

Summer rain the whole point of this thread is to support those who have struggled and that will inevitably mean discussing the lactivists type because like it or not they exist and have caused women like me a lot of pain. No-one is saying militant FFers don't exist but discussing them here is pointless because no-one here is discussing BF vs FF, they are discussig their grief of not being able to BF and the way others have worsened that grief.

I'm not explaining myself very well but I guess I'm saying just because people are discussing how lactivists have made them feel like shit for FF does not make this a BF bashing thread.

Who are these lactivists? Given than 1% of women are Breastfeeding at 6 months, they're not doing a very good job.

There were a couple of posts a couple of pages back, one of which implied a 3 month old bf baby getting chicken pox somehow showed that the benefits of BFing are a myth, another stating that a colicky BF baby is colicky because they're hungry, and another saying that her husband was fed evaporated milk and he has a better immune system than his BFed family members, implying there's no benefit to BFing over giving evap milk!!

Those were the posts that prompted my comment.

I do understand that you guys on this thread have been through hell to try and breastfeed, but I think what's forgotten is that alot of breastfeeders go through hell too, and if they choose to become active in normalising and promoting better BFing support and services, that does not make them 'lactivists', 'militants' or 'nazis' (I know no-one has used this term here, but it's a name often given in the media and online).

 

[Kage76]

Summer rain the whole point of this thread is to support those who have struggled and that will inevitably mean discussing the lactivists type because like it or not they exist and have caused women like me a lot of pain. No-one is saying militant FFers don't exist but discussing them here is pointless because no-one here is discussing BF vs FF, they are discussig their grief of not being able to BF and the way others have worsened that grief.

I'm not explaining myself very well but I guess I'm saying just because people are discussing how lactivists have made them feel like shit for FF does not make this a BF bashing thread.

Who are these lactivists? Given than 1% of women are Breastfeeding at 6 months, they're not doing a very good job.

The loudest one with the most vile opinions is found in my head.

 

[salb10]

No I know it isn't always the case but it does happen and shouldn't be dismissed because it's a negative about some bf experiences.

I think I'm not explaining myself well, Jennifaerie is explaining better than me.

I don think anyone is insinuating anything about BF causing more colic etc rather I think it's more...

Right well we get told 'BF babies don't get reflux, colic, ill etc' and when we switch to FF we feel guilty that we're exposing our children to these terrible things. So when you see that BF babies DO get reflux, colic, ear infections etc it's a weird kind of relief to know BF isn't the magical forcefield against illness that we aren't providing to our LOs.

So I think the discussion about colic etc wasn't bashing BF, it's women realising that a part of FF a lot of us feel guilty about shouldn't be the case IYKWIM?

I'm really not explaining myself very well at all, rough night.

It's all a part of the BF grief experience though, women unfortunately may feel negatively towards BF or Miltant BFers after what they have been through and that's the whole point of this thread to get all these feelings out in the open in order to heal and move on.

For example, my discussing my upset towards BF blinkies has helped metopes let go of my negative feelings towards them. So discussing how BF babies can be colicky etc may be part of letting go of that aspect of BF guilt in order to move on.

I think you are explaining yourself very well. I'm not BF bashing as i do still BF every day even if it is only small amounts.
Being given a disclamier form by the hospital to feed formula felt like it was implying that there was a danger or risk to what i wanted to do to my baby- after all why do we usually sign disclaimers?? Yet from what i have seen with my own eyes tells me that thats not right and that there are plenty of people out there not BF who are just fine. I'm definately not suggest feeing a baby evaporated milk (didn't even know this was possible to MIL told DH lol) but again, he is ok, so it just goes to show, its not always about what or how you were fed.
I can't really say it any better than mrsPOP, i'm not implying that BF babies get more colic or illness, just that it doesn't stop it either.

 

[MrsPOP]

Tbh patch I read those posts differently to you. I read them as posts that were to reassure the mothers themselves that just because you BF doesn't mean it's a magical Harry Potter esque protective spell against all nasties.

I don't think people should bother themselves to get annoyed when people say 'i know someone who was BF and always sick' because it's true, there ARE BF babies who are sickly just as there are FF babies who are robust and healthy.

And as for 'who are these lactivists (militants)'...

they are the women in my baby massage class who ignored me because I bottle feed, they are the friends on my online diary who keep writing pointed posts about how wonderful their kid is because they are BF and how glad they are they didn't give up and give poison to their child. It's the health visitors who have that look on their face when you tell them you FF, it's the consultant who tells the woman (me) who has been through hell that I must carry on despite the fact I was ready to throw myself out of the window, it's the nurse who kept forcing my screaming non-latching baby onto my breast in a tiny airless A&E cubicle and taking her off me and saying to her 'now come on baby you must latch otherwise mummy will give up and that's not right', it's the douches that people like Vintage have come across saying 'good luck when your kid gets cancer' (!!!!), it's the lady on facebook who commented on a post that a BF friend of mine shared about BF guilt and letting go of it saying 'i hate sites like this, mums who fail BF should just shut up and get over it, they shouldn't discuss it in public because they are promoting FF', it's the people on here who told me I was oversensitive for daring to be upset that I failed to BF and that they were 'special mums' becaus they were extended BFers and it's the bloody idiots who ask 'but did you try nipple shields' when you've told them you've tried everything.

THEY are the bloody lactivists!!!!!

 

[curly123]

Tbh patch I read those posts differently to you. I read them as posts that were to reassure the mothers themselves that just because you BF doesn't mean it's a magical Harry Potter esque protective spell against all nasties.

I don't think people should bother themselves to get annoyed when people say 'i know someone who was BF and always sick' because it's true, there ARE BF babies who are sickly just as there are FF babies who are robust and healthy.

And as for 'who are these lactivists (militants)'...

they are the women in my baby massage class who ignored me because I bottle feed, they are the friends on my online diary who keep writing pointed posts about how wonderful their kid is because they are BF and how glad they are they didn't give up and give poison to their child. It's the health visitors who have that look on their face when you tell them you FF, it's the consultant who tells the woman (me) who has been through hell that I must carry on despite the fact I was ready to throw myself out of the window, it's the nurse who kept forcing my screaming non-latching baby onto my breast in a tiny airless A&E cubicle and taking her off me and saying to her 'now come on baby you must latch otherwise mummy will give up and that's not right', it's the douches that people like Vintage have come across saying 'good luck when your kid gets cancer' (!!!!), it's the lady on facebook who commented on a post that a BF friend of mine shared about BF guilt and letting go of it saying 'i hate sites like this, mums who fail BF should just shut up and get over it, they shouldn't discuss it in public because they are promoting FF', it's the people on here who told me I was oversensitive for daring to be upset that I failed to BF and that they were 'special mums' becaus they were extended BFers and it's the bloody idiots who ask 'but did you try nipple shields' when you've told them you've tried everything.

THEY are the bloody lactivists!!!!!

Hello again Mrs Pop hope you are well?

I think you have articulated yourself fantastically here!
I agree that every part of being a mum should be supported - especially through all the hardships that it brings. Whether that is online here as well as with docs, nurses, midwives, family, baby groups etc etc...it's a shame that sometimes this is forgotten. Well done - I think your posts are very well explained!

Keep well and I hope things have been easier for you recently! xxx

 

[OmarsMum]

I'm moving this thread to FFing section. Please keep it on track. BFers, you made your point, can you please step back & leave those ladies to share their experiences without turning this thread into a BFing vs FFing debate.

I FF from day one, not common in my culture or family. I didn't have any milk to BF, I tried everything, but it didn't work, I even asked my aunt to BF my son for the benefits. It affected my bonding, I almost went through depression but I had lots of support & help from my family.

My nephew was Exclusively BF but it did him more harm than help. He was diagnosed with failure to thrive at 3 months & he was hospitalized several times. His mum had to give up bfing & go for high energy formula & now at 1 year he's doing great. He didn't suffer from colic or reflux because of formula.

 

[vintage67]

Tbh patch I read those posts differently to you. I read them as posts that were to reassure the mothers themselves that just because you BF doesn't mean it's a magical Harry Potter esque protective spell against all nasties.

I don't think people should bother themselves to get annoyed when people say 'i know someone who was BF and always sick' because it's true, there ARE BF babies who are sickly just as there are FF babies who are robust and healthy.

And as for 'who are these lactivists (militants)'...

they are the women in my baby massage class who ignored me because I bottle feed, they are the friends on my online diary who keep writing pointed posts about how wonderful their kid is because they are BF and how glad they are they didn't give up and give poison to their child. It's the health visitors who have that look on their face when you tell them you FF, it's the consultant who tells the woman (me) who has been through hell that I must carry on despite the fact I was ready to throw myself out of the window, it's the nurse who kept forcing my screaming non-latching baby onto my breast in a tiny airless A&E cubicle and taking her off me and saying to her 'now come on baby you must latch otherwise mummy will give up and that's not right', it's the douches that people like Vintage have come across saying 'good luck when your kid gets cancer' (!!!!), it's the lady on facebook who commented on a post that a BF friend of mine shared about BF guilt and letting go of it saying 'i hate sites like this, mums who fail BF should just shut up and get over it, they shouldn't discuss it in public because they are promoting FF', it's the people on here who told me I was oversensitive for daring to be upset that I failed to BF and that they were 'special mums' becaus they were extended BFers and it's the bloody idiots who ask 'but did you try nipple shields' when you've told them you've tried everything.

THEY are the bloody lactivists!!!!!

Mrs. Pop, I know it's sudden and all, and probably illegal since we both have husbands already, but will you marry me?

 

[patch2006uk]

Tbh patch I read those posts differently to you. I read them as posts that were to reassure the mothers themselves that just because you BF doesn't mean it's a magical Harry Potter esque protective spell against all nasties.

I don't think people should bother themselves to get annoyed when people say 'i know someone who was BF and always sick' because it's true, there ARE BF babies who are sickly just as there are FF babies who are robust and healthy.

And as for 'who are these lactivists (militants)'...

they are the women in my baby massage class who ignored me because I bottle feed, they are the friends on my online diary who keep writing pointed posts about how wonderful their kid is because they are BF and how glad they are they didn't give up and give poison to their child. It's the health visitors who have that look on their face when you tell them you FF, it's the consultant who tells the woman (me) who has been through hell that I must carry on despite the fact I was ready to throw myself out of the window, it's the nurse who kept forcing my screaming non-latching baby onto my breast in a tiny airless A&E cubicle and taking her off me and saying to her 'now come on baby you must latch otherwise mummy will give up and that's not right', it's the douches that people like Vintage have come across saying 'good luck when your kid gets cancer' (!!!!), it's the lady on facebook who commented on a post that a BF friend of mine shared about BF guilt and letting go of it saying 'i hate sites like this, mums who fail BF should just shut up and get over it, they shouldn't discuss it in public because they are promoting FF', it's the people on here who told me I was oversensitive for daring to be upset that I failed to BF and that they were 'special mums' becaus they were extended BFers and it's the bloody idiots who ask 'but did you try nipple shields' when you've told them you've tried everything.

THEY are the bloody lactivists!!!!!

I would just call women like that bitches, not lactivists. Feeding method aside, anyone who behaves like that will always find something to look down on you for.

IMO, lactivists are the ladies who go to nurse ins and campaign against Facebook removing photos of Breastfeeding as 'obscene'. Women who lobby their MPs for better provisions and to try and prevent the cessation of funding for post natal BFing support.

And you can look for a silver lining to formula feeding, without being derogatory towards breastfeeding. Why does it have to be 'well, breastfeeding isn't as good as they claim anyway' ?

 

[vintage67]

Thread title:
For those experiencing BF 'failure' guilt and need support and hugs

 

[MrsPOP]

And no-one is being derogatory to BF, patch. And no-one has said 'well BF isn't as good as they claim anyway'...

They're saying 'we thought due that BF was a magical cure and preventative and in real life, it isn't and that's a relief because boy I've felt guilty about it'

...a world of difference between the two.

 

[vintage67]

Please! I don't want this thread closed! If you can't read this thread without getting hostile and defensive just stay away! It's one of the few places a lot of us have to post our feelings!

 

[MrsPOP]

@Vintage....wow it's all so sudden...I don't know what to say...

@Omars mum...it's a shame the thread had to be moved to FF really but I understand why as it was balancing precariously on the edge of becoming a really boring BF vs FF debate and who needs another one of them eh?

The reason I posted this in baby club rather than ff was because I think bf grief is something that people never really spoke about before and thought more people who have experienced it would be on baby club than ff.

 

[patch2006uk]

My poor sister exclusively BF both her girls, now 7 and 9yrs and they both had colic, both had eczema, one had chicken pox at 3 months, they both have all the colds and coughs under the sun and they both are total nightmares when it comes to eating now!!! so all those apparent benefits are not showing themselves to her! and she spent the first few months absolutely shattered, feeding every 2hrs, and losing so much weight she was a gaunt shadow of her former self! It was 3 months before she went to sleep before midnight!!
A current friend is exclusively BF and her LO has been in hospital with bronchiolitis, yet another ailment that is supposed to be less likely in BF babies!!
Touch wood, my combination fed baby hasn't had any colds or coughs, even though i have been ill myself since he was born, he is bang on the 50th percentile, he sleeps like a dream and has done since about 3 weeks, and he is a lovely happy smiley baby!!

Whilst i think being able to grow a baby on BM alone is fantastic, and i have a lot of respect for those who do, it is not the be all and end all!! Me and both my sisters are all FF babies who have turned into healthy strong adults! MY DH was given carnation milk when he was a baby and he has much better immunity than even i do!!!

Mrs POP - it was this post that got my back up. I just don't like the implications that are being made about the sister being 'poor' because of having breastfed, and her children being subjected to these horrible illnesses, which BFing failed to protect them from.

It's nothing to do with FF vs BF, it's just being sensible. You can be happy with FFing without having to be so derogatory towards those who breastfeed and the act of breastfeeding.

And I know this is a 'BF 'failure' support' thread, but most of the stories on here are very similar to my experience, and it just keeps me humble, I suppose, to remember that the reasons I managed to get BFing established were more luck than anything else. We had good support, which isn't always available where and when it's needed.

 

[patch2006uk]

@Vintage....wow it's all so sudden...I don't know what to say...

@Omars mum...it's a shame the thread had to be moved to FF really but I understand why as it was balancing precariously on the edge of becoming a really boring BF vs FF debate and who needs another one of them eh?

The reason I posted this in baby club rather than ff was because I think bf grief is something that people never really spoke about before and thought more people who have experienced it would be on baby club than ff.

Totally agree. I think this thread is more appropriate for baby club than the FF section

 

[vintage67]

patch, surely you realize that the BF forum is full of horribly deroggative things said about formua.

Could not your same logic be applied there?

 

[vintage67]

You can be happy with BFing without having to be so derogatory towards those who formulafeed and the act of formulafeeding.


That is your own sentence with FF switched for BF.

 

[patch2006uk]

patch, surely you realize that the BF forum is full of horribly deroggative things said about formua.

Could not your same logic be applied there?

It really isn't. There aren't many mums who have never given any formula at all. There are mums who resent being told to give, often unnecessary, formula top-ups for spurious reasons, and ones who are trying to express because they don't want to give formula because they want to exclusively breastfeed, but there are precious few in the 'formula is poison' camp.

And any posts that do claim 'I wouldn't give my child any of that poison' or the like are often jumped on and corrected by BFers and FFers alike.

 

[patch2006uk]

You can be happy with BFing without having to be so derogatory towards those who formulafeed and the act of formulafeeding.


That is your own sentence with FF switched for BF.

And that is also a sentence I would happily put my name to