The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[booflebump]

MrsPOP - I think it's best left there, and for no further mention of it, directly or indirectly, to be made on this thread. Feel free to drop me a pm if you have any questions

 

[Leopard]

Sorry if my truthful comment was 'racist'. I just LOVE when people pull the race card.

 

[Kage76]

Gaaah. Just when I thought I was beginning to feel ok about this... I went to my local Children's Centre and there is a lovely lady there who tried to help me with the bf earlier on, and she remembered me and asked me how the feeding was going and whether I was still trying to bf and I just burst into tears Grr why is so hard to get over it and move on??? It seems silly - it's just food at the end of the day...

Omg in the early days when i had just switched to formula - my nurses just had to mention feeding and i would be an emotional wreck and all this defensiveness and reasoning would bubble up out of my mouth like verbal spaghetti while tears would flow. Every poster, comment, well meaning inquiry would at best give me a lump the size of a fist in my throat or I would embarrass everyone by loosing the plot and weeping uncontrollably.

It took my lovely nurse to pat me on the knee as i was weeping about my failure to bf and just tell me it was ok- that i didn't need to ask forgiveness because there was nothing to forgive.

 

[booflebump]

Sorry if my truthful comment was 'racist'. I just LOVE when people pull the race card.

It's how your comment was construed. I don't know if you think that people are coming on to this thread and reporting it to be anti-ff, but this isn't the case at all. We've had reports from regular posters within this thread, the same people you are looking towards for support, so being mindful of what you say and how you say it is something everyone should take heed of. Your comment, if not meaning to be racist, was a sweeping generalisation about a community, which in itself is against the rules.

 

[vintage67]

Gaaah. Just when I thought I was beginning to feel ok about this... I went to my local Children's Centre and there is a lovely lady there who tried to help me with the bf earlier on, and she remembered me and asked me how the feeding was going and whether I was still trying to bf and I just burst into tears Grr why is so hard to get over it and move on??? It seems silly - it's just food at the end of the day...

LadyBee. It can take you surprise just when things are getting better sometimes. My son is nearly 6 months old now and the science teacher at my older son's school still likes to occassionally ask me if I'm breastfeeding.
I think the last time she asked may be the last because she got such a long and rambling answer that she was trying to back away from me!

 

[Lady_Bee]

Omg in the early days when i had just switched to formula - my nurses just had to mention feeding and i would be an emotional wreck and all this defensiveness and reasoning would bubble up out of my mouth like verbal spaghetti while tears would flow. Every poster, comment, well meaning inquiry would at best give me a lump the size of a fist in my throat or I would embarrass everyone by loosing the plot and weeping uncontrollably.

It took my lovely nurse to pat me on the knee as i was weeping about my failure to bf and just tell me it was ok- that i didn't need to ask forgiveness because there was nothing to forgive.

LadyBee. It can take you surprise just when things are getting better sometimes. My son is nearly 6 months old now and the science teacher at my older son's school still likes to occassionally ask me if I'm breastfeeding.
I think the last time she asked may be the last because she got such a long and rambling answer that she was trying to back away from me!

Thank you I keep telling myself soon this will seem irrelevent once LO is on solids and I do hope it will! I'd just looove to be able to see another woman breastfeeding or talk about the subject without falling apart It's not even guilt for me it just frustrates me that I tried so hard and somehow I'm still left with this feeling that I just didn't do enough or I didn't do it right. I've been so depressed over it and for what? I feel very inferior for no good reason. Need to move past that - my LO is thriving and happy. I'm a good mummy and made the best decisions for him. That's the real truth.

 

[andella95]

I'm really sorry for unleashing the devil here....

You are all such wonderful ladies and I brought more pain by not even paying attention to sources for something.

I'm just...sorry.

 

[MrsPOP]

Andella please don't worry

 

[queenlavera]

Lady_Bee - I still have to fight back tears at every Dr. appt when she asks "are you still breast feeding" I can only shake my head no. Just the day prior I would feel like everything is ok and I am over it but then that happens and i'm right back.

Kage - I also thought I would donate, I have a bunch of storage bags in a cabinet. I was just so sure.

Andella - the pic didn't offend me, you shouldn't feel bad.

 

[vintage67]

No worries Andella. I loved the pic, just surpised Alpha posted it, really.

 

[andella95]

There is a facebook group for this...

The link is in my sig.

please join if you are struggling! it's not a place for debates or posting links to news articles, lol.

 

[Kage76]

I'm really sorry for unleashing the devil here....

You are all such wonderful ladies and I brought more pain by not even paying attention to sources for something.

I'm just...sorry.

OH PLEASE! nothing to be sorry about!

It was good for me to see that people like this actually do exist. I was beginning to think that those type of women only existed in my head, because everyone is understanding to your face- but i always got the feeling that a whole heap of stuff was unsaid. The one thing that this whole journey has taught me is not to become that women. Even if I go and breastfeed an army of children I promise my fellow women never to be smug and think that i am a better parent them them because of something im doing.

 

[floofymad]

Hi,
Just looking for some advice/support really. I think I've finally decided to completely give up on the BF. I just don't think it's ever worked for us. At the beginning, she was constantly feeding. I had so much conflicting advice from midwives and got so so confused. I was told feeding 5/10 mins was fine. I also got told to make her go longer. She wanted food all the time. Probably because she wasn't getting enough, but I couldn't make her have more. I didn't know how much she was getting and she wasn't settled to sleep. I then moved onto expressing, and giving through a bottle with some dentinox infacol type stuff. This has helped as I can see how much she's getting. But now I have the problem that I don't usually get time to express. If she goes back down on a morning, I might get chance, but yesterday there was no time! Today my boobs hurt like crazy! I feel guilty that I'm giving it up, and people keep trying to say they can help me continue, but I can't see it working for us. People don't seem to understand why I'm giving it up. But I need some sanity.

 

[leeree]

These posts have been such a comfort to find. My LO is 18 weeks and I managed a week with her. When I decided to stop (for both our sakes) I was so grief stricken and it felt like a genuine loss. I still feel constantly guilty when I think about it and felt so alone as there only seems to be those who didn't try and those who tried and succeeded. Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories.

 

[kickass_MOM]

This thread is a life saver!
Throughout my pregnancy I was a paranoid wreck worried about every single thing I put in my mouth. No fish (high mercury!),no eggs (salmonella panic) blah blah blah.I actually worried I would accidently ingest toothpaste while I brushed! I so wanted to make sure baby G got nothin but the very best.So it goes without saying that I wanted to be the poster girl for La Leche league from the get go!
Fast forward to due date, I had a normal delivery and we breezed through it.Then came the much awaited minute when I would start giving my baby the 'best start' in life.So we are all set to do it, when the nurse looks at my boobs and screams 'oh no, she cannot breastfeed coz she does not have a nipple!!' oh wait wait a minute.. wtf did you say just now?? no nipple ??? what she meant was I had a flat nipple ,but that one comment was the start of my complexity filled breastfeeding saga.I just could not get it right after that.
Baby G seemed eager to latch , but I could tell that she was not able to get a latch.I tried , she cried and cried and cried.My mom who was with me told me to start giving her some formula already , but I was hell bent upon BFing.No way was that 'poison' going to find its way into my baby's system.So we tried some more .By day three my milk had still not come in.I looked up on the internet and was relieved to find that milk does come in even on day five. so we waited and tried.By day five baby G and I had developed a mutual hatred for each other.oh why couldn't she suck a little harder? the nurses and the doctor didn't even bother informing me about nipple shields.
Come day six and my boobs refused to show even the slightest hint of milk and my mom had started feeding baby some formula because we could take it no more and all said and done no mother can and should listen to her baby crying out of hunger.
Adding insult to injury were MIL and DH who cudn't for the life of them understand why I could not do something that was soo normal (DH was breastfed apparently and I was breastfed for nearly 4 years!!).They went on about how SIL had breastfed hers for close to four years and how it was the best for baby like I didn't know any better.I got so pissed and pulled down at the same time.In hindsight,DH was probably more worried that baby might not get the immune and all the legendary benefits breastmilk is supposed to bestow (he is addicted to the internet and I can see where he comes from).
At that point I felt alone and helpless.We had huge fights over it.Dh went out and bought me the entire external paraphernelia required to pump and feed but all I could get out was a measly quarter of an ounce. We forgot to enjoy those precious moments with our bundle of joy who we had been waiting for nine months to arrive.That time I'll never get and I regret it the most.
In the meanwhile DD had lost more than 10% of her birthweight and I was still cowing under external pressure to breastfeed or at least feed her pumped milk.I don't know when better sense prevailed and I decided enough was enough and took DD to the pediatrician.That was when they told me that she had lost so much weight and if I did not want her to be diagnosed as 'Failure to Thrive' I had to FEED her.Period.It didn't matter whether it was formula or breastmilk so long as she thrived.
I cried all the way home and this time not because I was asked to make the switch, but wondering how I as a mom could let this happen to my little girl.How despite being in the higher socio-economic class , my baby could not have her most basic need fulfilled and went to bed hungry? I wondered when the need to give the best for the baby had truned into one huge ego trip where the whole purpose was defeated.
Fast forward to the persent, Baby G is happy and thriving on formula .I am also pumping leisurely once in the morning and once at night.I feel proud that I produce about an ounce each time sometimes more .That makes it two ounces which is not even 1/20th of G's intake, but you know what ' something is better than nothing' and I will probably continue to do that till I get a closure on it and I feel like I tried.

 

[vintage67]

Hi,
Just looking for some advice/support really. I think I've finally decided to completely give up on the BF. I just don't think it's ever worked for us. At the beginning, she was constantly feeding. I had so much conflicting advice from midwives and got so so confused. I was told feeding 5/10 mins was fine. I also got told to make her go longer. She wanted food all the time. Probably because she wasn't getting enough, but I couldn't make her have more. I didn't know how much she was getting and she wasn't settled to sleep. I then moved onto expressing, and giving through a bottle with some dentinox infacol type stuff. This has helped as I can see how much she's getting. But now I have the problem that I don't usually get time to express. If she goes back down on a morning, I might get chance, but yesterday there was no time! Today my boobs hurt like crazy! I feel guilty that I'm giving it up, and people keep trying to say they can help me continue, but I can't see it working for us. People don't seem to understand why I'm giving it up. But I need some sanity.

Looks like your baby is around 3 weeks old; a challenging time for a BF or FF as the babies are growing rapidly and have a lot of demands. My problem was always lack of milk and latching issues, but I do know that it is normal for a 3 week old to be attached a very good bit of the day! It is such a tiring time and FF through that time period is exhausting as well; baby still needs to feed very often and that's a lot of bottle washing and such. Is her pee/poo output good?

You will definitely have to make the decision that is best for your family and make it with love; not guilt about what others will think. Best wishes!

 

[vintage67]

Welcome kick-ass.

Yes, it is disheartening to have all the knowledge and equipment ready and the body doesn't cooperate!

You are among friends as many of us had similar or equal struggles.

 

[MrsPOP]

I'm thinking of changing the name of the thread but not sure to what. I don't like the word 'failure' associated with the amazing women on this thread who are anything but.

Suggestions? Heck I may even do a Poll!!!

 

[Leopard]

The Loss of Breastfeeding - Support & Hugs thread?

 

[Kage76]

Personally I don't find the word failure offensive- in reality its what got me on this thread- that some one else felt that they had "failed" to breastfeed. I certainly don't think that way now but for new posters i think "failure" is probably the one thing that we all thought we were doing at some point. If it helps others I am happy to be a "failure"