The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[kanga]

I like Leopard's suggestion.

Personally I don't like the word failure in quote marks as it sort of implies that we didn't actually fail, but just call it failing iykwim. It may just be how I read it though. I think if you keep the word failure then just say failure rather than "failure". xx

 

[MrsPOP]

I like Leopard's suggestion.

Personally I don't like the word failure in quote marks as it sort of implies that we didn't actually fail, but just call it failing iykwim. It may just be how I read it though. I think if you keep the word failure then just say failure rather than "failure". xx

Well that's kind of why I did put it in quote marks because I dont believe we failed but didn't know what else to call it

I like that one Leopard.

Keep the suggestions comin' peeps!!!!

 

[Jo]

I have edited you post MrsPOP, Cross posting or referencing locked threads is not allowed.

 

[MrsPOP]

Ok sorry Jo, was just havin' a joke

In all seriousness am I or this thread being monitored closely or something? Call me paranoid but the heavy admin presence and particularly the focus on anything I post these days is starting to make me wonder

 

[Jo]

I assure you it is not personal at all
Sometimes threads or posts just come to our attention and we check on them and loads of others if they are at the top when we log on (unread posts) x

 

[MrsPOP]

Thanks Jo, I was starting to get concerned due to certain issues I was on the Admin Hit List or something!

 

[andella95]

Hello floofymad, leeree, & kickass_MOM!

Welcome to the thread!

floofymad - I can't really give advice, but I do want to say that sometimes the mental stress of it all just isn't worth it. I think vintage is spot on about how it's exhausting formula feeding at 3 weeks as well. If baby was having adequate wet/dirty diapers/nappies and weight is fine, I wouldn't worry so much, but if you do decide to switch to formula for your own sanity - IT IS OKAY. Lots of hugs & we're here for you!

leeree - I'm glad this thread has brought you some comfort...I know it's easier said than done, but try not to feel guilty. You aren't alone in this at all. We're all in it together! There will come a day when the pain is less.

kickass_MOM - Wow, that's a lot of outside pressure! Your post was so much like my own experience...my LO was rehospitalized due to weight issues and we did before & after weights n her and realized that she was only getting about 10oz a day.

over here...things are fine.

 

[kanga]

I like Leopard's suggestion.

Personally I don't like the word failure in quote marks as it sort of implies that we didn't actually fail, but just call it failing iykwim. It may just be how I read it though. I think if you keep the word failure then just say failure rather than "failure". xx

Well that's kind of why I did put it in quote marks because I dont believe we failed but didn't know what else to call it

Ah, I see. I'm a bit slow on the uptake sometimes!

Loving Jo's avatar of Prince Harry

 

[Leopard]

What happened to my quote
Anywho, I like my suggestion too

 

[dizz]

Ok sorry Jo, was just havin' a joke

In all seriousness am I or this thread being monitored closely or something? Call me paranoid but the heavy admin presence and particularly the focus on anything I post these days is starting to make me wonder

Very much feels like it to me to be honest - also feels like the BF lot are allowed to make whatever digs they like about those who don't - but the second anyone who uses bottles responds they get hammered.

 

[booflebump]

Ok sorry Jo, was just havin' a joke

In all seriousness am I or this thread being monitored closely or something? Call me paranoid but the heavy admin presence and particularly the focus on anything I post these days is starting to make me wonder

Very much feels like it to me to be honest - also feels like the BF lot are allowed to make whatever digs they like about those who don't - but the second anyone who uses bottles responds they get hammered.

This isn't the case at all - we can only respond on things that are brought to our attention. We can't possibly moderate every single breastfeeding or formula feeding post made on the forum, so unless offensive posts are reported, things sometimes do get missed.

We are stuck between a rock and a hard place - BnB is a supportive community for all parenting types, and originally there wasn't seperate sections for FF and BF. Now there is, and trying to moderate both sections equally proves to be very difficult without causing offence to either side. We're really in a lose-lose situation with it.

If we go in too heavy, people get upset that we are doing too much, and censoring them. If we leave members to it, people get upset that we aren't doing enough.

The sections were at one point merged, and the situation exploded entirely. Telling you all to stay in your respective sections isn't a particularly viable option either.

It might seem like we have been in the FF a lot over the past few days, but we have been acting on valid member concerns, as we have also done over in the BF section. There does seem to be a strong them vs us undercurrent running through the forum at the moment, which I would encourage you all to think about before we have to take further action to prevent more hostility

 

[vintage67]

The women in this thread didn't choose formula.

The women in this thread are supportive of breastfeeding. Why would we grieve something for months, in some cases years that we
veiwed with disdain.

Why would lactivists lurk and spy in this thread? No one is trying to lure any pregnant women to formula? How could this thread be seen as pro-formula in any shape or form? There are at least 3 of us in here that were a hair from suicide over not being able to breastfeed; in having to go to fulltime formula for the health and well being of our babies?

We are backed into a corner. This little corner. And I feel like we're surrounded by hovering buzzards waiting to "finish us off" if we say anything wrong; one word, one phrase...

Some sympathy, please. Inability to breastfeed could happen to anyone. It's happened to well prepared, well educated, healthy women. It's happened to women who successfullhy breastfed a previous child. If someone has never been humbled by it, god bless you, but that's not always the case.

 

[Kage76]

I 100% agree with vintage. the one common theme is that we are all breastfeeders that were for various reasons unable to do so. I don't advocate formula, i don't really like it to be honest- im not in other sections encouraging people to switch at the first hint of a problem. I really do hope that every woman who wants to breast feed can. But i want to be there for people like me who couldn't. To realise that we have been categorised as a group with quite a hurtful name has really taken the wind out of my sails.

I too feel like this thread is being really really watched for any transgressions. Any transgression small or large is met with reports and threats of the thread being closed. Clearly we can talk about our own feelings but when it comes to how people have made us feel we can't discuss it.

I promise i am not trying to stir the pot- im just trying to understand how this thread has gone from a really good and supportive place to one where we can't really say anything and it upsets me- because all i want to do is be supported and help out other women who may be in the same place i was 9 months ago.

 

[MrsPOP]

Round of applause to Vintage as always!!!!!!!!!!

As I've said elsewhere, it feels like we're not allowed to try and move past this, like we must stand in the naughty corner with our heads bowed in shame for having to choose formula.

This is the whole reason why I started the thread. It was like a dirty little secret no-one talked about. You can either a proud breastfeeder or a proud formula feeder and that's it.

But what if you are stuck in the limbo between BF and FF? I am a FFer with a BFing spirit. I am incredibly pro-BF and I don't think people get that this is what the whole thread is about.

I don't understand why anyone would continue lurking in the thread unless it was to check for small transgressions against BFing or BFers. I say to these people can you just leave us alone? We are not anti-BF, we wish we could have breasted but we couldn't. Can't you let us deal with it in peace?

Part of letting to of the grief is to talk about it. Unfortunately that may mean discussing people who have made us feel like shit. My talking about the various things that have been said to me doesn't make me anti-BFing...it just makes me anti- the judgemental bitches who cannot see past the end of their own nipples to realise not everyone is as lucky as they are!!!!!!!

Lurking and constantly reporting the thread is ridiculous and childish. I understand some things need to be reported but it's starting to feel vindictive and Boofle has hit the nail on the head saying there is a real disconnect between the FF and BF communities here at present. But trying to get us in trouble doesn't make anything right, we're trying to work through things so stop trying to kick us when we are coming up from being down so low!!!!

If anyone has an issue with me, PM me. I'm fairly reasonable and believe it or not I don't like public arguments.

 

[booflebump]

While it's easy to assume that it is BF's lurking and reporting this thread, in most instances, this isn't the case either. Similarly, the ladies in the breastfeeding section often feel it is those from this section reporting them for comments - again, not always true. I would hate to think that members from either 'side' (and I use that term loosely for want of a better word) were purposely doing this to get others in to 'trouble'.

We are happy for you to have a safe little corner to vent and grieve - this thread is stickied for a start. But by the same token, some comments in here have had to be acted on - in no way are the moderating team trying to undermine or berate anyone in this thread. We act on all reports equally - within the moderating team itself, we have breastfeeders, formula feeders, and those who experienced the same disappointment as yourselves in being unable to breastfeed.

However, comments like the above -

'judgemental bitches who can't see past the end of their own nipples'

could easily be seen as anti-bf no matter how you try to sugar coat it.

To be honest, we are all tired of having to constantly moderate this thread, and the hostilities we are seeing across the forum in relation to one type of parenting or another.

 

[MrsPOP]

I'm not being anti BF with that comment Boofle, I'm being anti-judgemental and I think thats fairly clear when you take it into context of my entire post.

 

[booflebump]

I'm not being anti BF with that comment Boofle, I'm being anti-judgemental and I think thats fairly clear when you take it into context of my entire post.

The reference to nipples can make it seem entirely the opposite I'm afraid, no matter what the context.

 

[kanga]

Unfortunately however they came to be so, ff mums will always be second rate citizens to some bf mummies. I have learnt to ignore them, I can't be wasting time on people like that

It's such a shame that this thread can't be used as a chat thread, for us to get our feelings out, for fear of someone reporting a comment

 

[vintage67]

I feel incredibly sad right now.

Logging off to go visit my 75 year old mother who can't wait to give her second grandson a bottle today.

I really am tearing up. No internet where I'll be the rest of the day.

Can't wait to talk to you ladies again here or else where.

Susan Brunton on facebook.

 

[MrsPOP]

Vintage please try not to be upset if you can

And other ladies too, this will all blow over.

I do understand that some things we can say may get up people's noses, unfortunately you cant go through BF grief without having negative experiences with ladies from the 'other side'.

I just can't stress enough that this does not make us anti BF in anyway, shape or form and any BF lurkers on here...try to understand this please?

I'm calling for a truce here, we just want to support each other, that's not so bad is it? Will you allow us to do so and leave us in peace? We don't go into BF and constantly report threads and I'm sure there is plenty in there that could be taken badly but I avoid it, so follow my example because we are not antiBFing at all.