The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[24/7]

I definately agree that someone who has been in the situation we have has an extra tool to use as a BF counceller. Before I had Sam I was of the opinion you either BF or FF, and I wouldn't have really thought of those in the middle who wanted to but it didn't work out for.

I haven't ever mentioned my own BF story on here, as I hate myself for the mistake I made, and I'm not sure I will ever change how I feel over it and I don't ever talk about it. By choice Sam was FF for the first couple of days, and then I decided to BF, but for Sam it was already too late and he has a terrible lazy latch and despite begging the MW/HV/labour ward for help everyone just said keep up with skin to skin and you'll get there, but we never did. I expressed every two hours day and night for the first two months, and desperately tried to get his latch right, but I couldn't and neither could anyone else. After eight weeks I decided to stop, as my supply was so low and I was spending so long expressing I had no real time for Sam.

I'll never forgive myself for the decision I made, and that I could never put it right. The BF is real love thing really cuts deep for me, as that is kind of how I feel, but only in the sense I chose to FF at first.... Had I loved Sam enough, then I would have BF from the beginging, and not made the decision to FF. I have hugely mixed feelings about BF next time, as I feel so awful I never made it past expressing with Sam, and feel I should do the same again to have things fair in my head, even though I know its not like that really.

Probably doesn't make much sense really, and I feel very about sharing it, as it is something I feel so awful about. x

 

[vintage67]

24/7, you could have had those latch/supply issues had you started with BF instantly instead of days later. Goodness knows there are plenty of people who do try to start instantly and it doesn't work out, and conversely, lots of success stories of people who used formula at the beginning and were
able to transition.

 

[MrsPOP]

I follow FFF and read that interview (and promptly unsubscribed from Alpha parent). I may have to check this other group out

 

[Odd Socks]

meh. that whole true love comes from breastfeeding your child is rubbish. we all know it really, but it's hard thinking that someone else might think you don't love your child as much because you ff, whether it's through choice or neccesity.

having had to ff my oldest daughter (some might argue i didn't have to, but at the time it was that or give her away), i can hand on heart say my love for both my daughters has absolutely nothing to do with how i've fed them. several people have asked me if the bond is any different with lauren because i breastfeed her & no, it really isn't!

not being able to breastfeed bella, i was determined i would do everything i could to with lauren. though, looking back, if i'd had the difficulties i'd had with bella, there would have been no way i would have been able to, because i would have had an active toddler to look after to. i was so lucky that lauren has been an absolute dream to feed from the moment she was born & it's only by having her that i've managed to get over the guilt i felt at not managing before.

yes, while breastfeeding is hard work, it's certainly not meant to be this impossible thing that so many people come up against.

xx

 

[MrsPOP]

Oh honey Thankyou for sharing that story with us. You are an amazing lady and an amazing mummy

 

[MrsPOP]

See that's the thing Dani, you have always been an inspiration to me. I've seen just how much you love Bella and now Lauren, the love you have for both of them radiates throughout everything you write about them both and you can tell you feel exactly the same love for them

 

[Kage76]

I definately agree that someone who has been in the situation we have has an extra tool to use as a BF counceller. Before I had Sam I was of the opinion you either BF or FF, and I wouldn't have really thought of those in the middle who wanted to but it didn't work out for.

I haven't ever mentioned my own BF story on here, as I hate myself for the mistake I made, and I'm not sure I will ever change how I feel over it and I don't ever talk about it. By choice Sam was FF for the first couple of days, and then I decided to BF, but for Sam it was already too late and he has a terrible lazy latch and despite begging the MW/HV/labour ward for help everyone just said keep up with skin to skin and you'll get there, but we never did. I expressed every two hours day and night for the first two months, and desperately tried to get his latch right, but I couldn't and neither could anyone else. After eight weeks I decided to stop, as my supply was so low and I was spending so long expressing I had no real time for Sam.

I'll never forgive myself for the decision I made, and that I could never put it right. The BF is real love thing really cuts deep for me, as that is kind of how I feel, but only in the sense I chose to FF at first.... Had I loved Sam enough, then I would have BF from the beginging, and not made the decision to FF. I have hugely mixed feelings about BF next time, as I feel so awful I never made it past expressing with Sam, and feel I should do the same again to have things fair in my head, even though I know its not like that really.

Probably doesn't make much sense really, and I feel very about sharing it, as it is something I feel so awful about. x

24/7 my god just because you chose to give your baby formula doesn't mean you love your son any less. the fact that you are so torn up about this just proves that you love him to bits. Believe it or not it is possible to come from where you are to a place of acceptance and forgiveness. I personally think the key is to talk it out- every time something upsets you come talk to us- all us have been there and got the t shirt.

As i have said previously feeding your child is only a small part of being a mum, and as long as he is being fed and putting on weight you have fufilled this need regardless of the delivery method. Changing a nappy is also an important need - but you don't ever hear - a clean nappy is real love!!-

To me making sure that they are warm loved and secure and able to develop into the remarkable little people they are is far more important than the function of your boobs.

 

[Kage76]

Welcome lauren to this thread- Sounds like you have done really well to get as far as you did.

 

[Henrysmama]

Holy crap Mrs Pop you are one clever lady! (-:

 

[Henrysmama]

Ps sorry I am useless at posting-that comment was in reference to your 171 IQ. Now a survey of Mensa. Members would be interesting re: whether they were breastfed - I bet you the results would be pretty interesting!

 

[Maid Marian]

Hi, haven't dropped by here for a couple of months, but I've been meaning to paste some links I came across, but not got round to it yet. I'm leaving BnB, so tying up loose ends before I go, so have dug up the 2 articles I wanted to post. I imagine lots of you will probably have come across them before, but some not. They were the only two sites/particular articles I could find when I was looking a few months back for a friend. Surprised there isn't more in the way of 'official'/'google-able' support out there.
I posted in another forum I was on too, asking for any links, and advice on how I could best help her, how to be there for her, what to say, so I'm copying the replies I got from there, so hopefully they can give some help to other ladies too.

2 articles:
https://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/2010/11/on-letting-go-of-guilt.html?spref=fb

https://breastfeedingtaketwo.com/2011/04/guilt-vs-regret/

My post:

Maid Marian: My friend had a very hard birth, and terrible aftercare, she tried incredibly hard with breastfeeding, but it didn't work out for her, and she's really suffering with the painful feelings from it, especially as she had really wanted to breastfeed. Do you ladies have any links or advice that might help her?

I had an awful birth with my LO. I breastfeed for the 1st week but stopped when LO ended up with blood in her mouth. I put her onto bottle then. I felt so so guilty that I couldn't give her what's best, like I had let her down, which was a big factor for my pnd. But after a while I kinda woke up to the fact that LO was still thriving and healthy despite not bf. Tell your friend it doesn't matter as long as the baby is healthy and gettin what it needs. There is a lot of pressure to breastfeed, so I think that's why we feel so guilty. My partner was chuffed we went to bottles cos he could make feeds, feed her. Tell her to think of the perks of bottle feeding and not the cons of it. Like my nanna said, as long as a baby is fed, a baby is happy! X

It is unfortunate that your friend has not received enough support, too many of us have been there. What's done is done. She needs to let go of the guilt- ff babies can bond just as well with their parents. It doesn't have to be the end of the world. I know it's hard but she must look forward now and enjoy her baby - she mustn't dwell on the difficult birth and not being able to bf - I've been in her situation so I do understand. Lots of skin to skin still, I found that feeding while holding LO in a cradle position as though I was bf was lovely and was always how I fed her. Before you know it her baby will be 6 months and she can enjoy weaning on lots of super healthy food! Keep an eye on her and recommend that she talks to someone if she is feeling particularly down as I know a lot of mums who suffered PND say that issues with bf did make things seem worse xxx

I too was also unable to continue breastfeed, due to a long horrible (full of intervention) birth which ended in an emerg c-sect. 2 and a half years later I still struggle with it. I did manage to breastfeed for 6 weeks, albiet very painfully and had mastitis a number of times. All in all it was a horrible experience. I still feel like I failed LO, and my body failed me .. Even though I know I did what I could, and I had no pressure to breastfeed (I got a lot of pressure from nurses, doctors to stop trying etc, to bottle feed) breastfeeding was something I always desperately wanted to do so the sense of failure was/is immense. But it is getting better especially as I watch him grow up, he is a very happy kid, incredidibly relaxed and affectionate ... so we cant have done too bad

And reposting the blinkies I posted a while ago, for any new mums who've joined the thread. I know a few people nabbed them, and I love seeing them around the forum now, so hopefully one of them might catch someone else's eye

Just a few I found

https://i270.photobucket.com/albums/jj91/pmblinkies/bottle%20feedings/bottlefedhappy1.gif

https://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e143/BBAF/Family/Nursing/bba-bfoption.gif

https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v39/rwhite/Motherhood/Bottle%20Feeding/bottle-fed.gif

https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v39/rwhite/Motherhood/Bottle%20Feeding/ff2.gif

https://img.photobucket.com/albums/v39/rwhite/Motherhood/Bottle%20Feeding/bottlebaby.gif

https://i469.photobucket.com/albums/rr57/marriedsBlinkies/Breast%20and%20Bottle%20Feeding%20blinkies/thapaprikao090108-1.gif

There are some here (https://www.bianchiblinkies.com/BabyFeeding.html), I like this one especially, but the others seem nice too.

https://i265.photobucket.com/albums/ii211/bianchiblinkies/Blinkies/healthyonformula.gif

 

[fides]

thanks, maid marian - i like those blinkies!

i haven't been on here in a while, either, mostly b/c i thought i was doing better about giving my son a bottle.

just need to rant to get something off my chest so i can hopefully let it go - these happened at Baby Time at the library, two weeks in a row, the only 2 times i've gone:

- 1st week: met two moms of babies 5 & 6 months, started chatting and talking about reflux, they asked if i nurse, i said no, they said they don't either but they wanted to, then we got into talking about how much we wanted to nurse, how much pressure there is to nurse, how everyone assumes a lady can if she wants to, and shared our sorrows of what had happened when we'd tried. so, after chatting a bit (first time I've met anyone in town who couldn't nurse, let alone 2 at the same time!), one of the moms started trying to look on the bright side of FF - she can have her husband feed the baby, the other said her baby was growing better - had jumped up to the 25th %'ile right away on formula, i said mine's still 10-11%'ile but at least he's growing, then the first lady said she likes that she can just pop a bottle out when they are in public and not worry about modesty. then, a mom of a 10-month old sitting near us decided that was the time to jump in with, "Oh, yes, nursing is really hard - I can't wait to get my breasts back - I'm sooo looking forward to not nursing any more, and being able to wear a cute bra again, i want my boobs back, etc..." She went on for another minute, and the 3 of us FF'ers just didn't have anything at all to say - killed the conversation - awkward!!!

- 2nd week: i wasn't even in this conversation, but it's still bothering me. 2 moms of 10-11 mo babies were chatting about their adventures in solid food feeding (i was looking at them and listening in b/c my LO will begin solids in a few weeks) - they were comparing what their babies could eat, and how much their babies took in daily in purees, snacks, then formula. They weren't even talking to the mom next to them with an almost 1 year old, who piped in with, "Oh, well I'm actually still breast-feeding, so I'm really looking forward to weaning him off my breast so that I can get on with my life again - breast-feeding is hard work!!" The other two got defensive and were like, oh, but we actually did BF until 7 months, and the other was like, yeah, we did too until 8 months, so the BF'er was like, oh, so you guys did breast feed? that's good!

ugh. yeah.

i don't know why i've been bothered so much by those two whiners. part of me doesn't even want to go back to baby time...

anyway, thanks for letting me rant in here - you ladies are wonderful!!

hope everyone is doing okay!

 

[vintage67]

fides, nice to "see you"; I had been wondering how you were doing! Beautiful picture of your son by the way!

I still don't have the nerve to go to "baby day" at the library. The library closest to my house is in our "hippie district" with shops devoted to the Grateful Dead and at least 2-3 shops devoted to nursing mothers and supplies. I also haven't enrolled him in the Baby Music classes that I love, and that my son went to. My first son started them older, so BF and FF wasn't much of an issue; I think I remember seeing maybe one breast out and a couple bottles and that was about it because it was older babies and toddlers and with a 50 minute class, feeding just didn't come up very often.

I would have been hurt too. People say they get so sick of hearing our whiney stories about how we couldn't BF but are we just supposed to sit there and be thought of as lazy and stupid? I don't even think a FF'er from birth is lazy and stupid, because I am going to assume that the decision was made as being best for their situation.

Whoopi Goldberg has a little rant about BF pressure a few days ago. I'm sure ABC television is being bombarded with hatemail. She didn't say anything negative about BF; just that the pressure can be so intense and new mom's are already nervous and exhausted.

 

[prgirl_cesca]

My guilt/failure moments this week were I work in a hotel and we've been approached by a breastfeeding initiative in the area to become like some sort of 'approved breastfeeding venue'. I was like "what?!" on the phone because I didn't get what she meant - we would never turn away anyone for feeding their child. But what she meant was we needed to provide like private or discreet areas for feeding, clean the area for the mums and babies and offer mum a glass of water. I was like WTF? because we're a hotel not a breastfeeding room! Then I was made to feel like I wasn't allowing breastfeeding....

Met with my friend and her 10 day old baby last week. He is feeding so well from her, she only had to use lanisoh for 2 days, her nipples don't hurt. She's got loads of milk, he latches on really well. But she's probably going to give up bfing in a few weeks so he'll sleep through (yah right) and so she can go out and get drunk. I was just gutted. I totally respect her choice to do whatever is right for her family - but I just wanted to scream.

 

[MrsPOP]

Met with my friend and her 10 day old baby last week. He is feeding so well from her, she only had to use lanisoh for 2 days, her nipples don't hurt. She's got loads of milk, he latches on really well. But she's probably going to give up bfing in a few weeks so he'll sleep through (yah right) and so she can go out and get drunk. I was just gutted. I totally respect her choice to do whatever is right for her family - but I just wanted to scream.

Goodness me!!! some people are idiots!!!

 

[vintage67]

Ouch! Wow. She basically has a dream BF relationship and doesn't want it!

My druggie sister in law was like this. She had lots of milk and didn't want it. Was too interested in her bong. I got my breastpump from her and I remember her telling me, "oh you'll get TONS of milk with that pump but I hated it and felt like a cow!"
Well, I used that pump until my aereolas peeled and I was near suicide and I never got much of anything.

It's truly a shame that breastmilk doesn't "flow freely" for those of us that want it so badly, and often is plentiful in those who don't or are indifferent.

 

[Just_married]

Haven't had time to read through whole thread, but I was told not to breastfeed when I had my daughter (now 16) as I took thyroxine which I was told crosses breastmilk.

I dutifully obliged & bottle fed my daughter and I had a great bond. But even now I get so angry at the 'lactivists' and their guilt trip. Why should any woman have to explain and justify something so personal? One FB friend had a pic uploaded which said something along the lines of breast is best, better than milk from any cow!!!!! I was livid!

 

[andella95]

Haven't had time to read through whole thread, but I was told not to breastfeed when I had my daughter (now 16) as I took thyroxine which I was told crosses breastmilk.

I dutifully obliged & bottle fed my daughter and I had a great bond. But even now I get so angry at the 'lactivists' and their guilt trip. Why should any woman have to explain and justify something so personal? One FB friend had a pic uploaded which said something along the lines of breast is best, better than milk from any cow!!!!! I was livid!

Ugh. That's horrible!

I'm starting to feel more empowered...slowly.

Although, I still have a tendency to check to see if I have any milk drops if I squeeze my nipple. This morning and just now it squirted out about a foot when I squeezed...almost like my boobs are saying, Hey! Give us a other try! It's been over 2 months.

Let it go...

eta: to me real love is meeting your babies physical needs instead of denying them to satisfy your emotional ones.

 

[andella95]

I just found this....

...but you can see for yourself where it came from...

https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0doqOZiWIlY/T1eDcL_aEqI/AAAAAAAABvs/qJ1WF6DZ4OI/s1600/formula%2Bfeeding%2Bmeme%2Bcopyrighted.jpg

 

[Leopard]

Well I now have almost no milk, I cannot even get a proper drop out.