The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[andella95]

I think the maltodextrin is what makes it powder, but its like 35% of it. We are on Wic, which is a government program that helps buy formula for middle to lower income families (and they REALLY push breastfeeding, which is one of the reasons I had such a hard time), and they only allow certain formulas. We have a doctor's rx for the Alimentum, but we'd need another one to get it RTF. They pay for 8 cans of formula (the smaller cans which are normally $28 and last 2-4 days), but I remember with my son they also paid for 25 quarts of Ready to Feed Alimentum. I hate having to use the program and would much rather breastfeed, but that turned out not to be an option. Spending over $200/month on formula is not quite in our budget.

 

[Kage76]

well of course they are going to push breastfeeding. If i was cynical (who me?) its in their financial best interest to get as many babies on the boob regardless of if its the best choice. Will your Dr give you the prescription for the RTF?

 

[andella95]

They do get an incentive for having a high # of breastfeeders, which I think is fine. They are actually run by the health department. They offer tons of support and I love that they are pro-breastfeeding, but they give you a handout regarding the benefits of BF and dangers of formula and it's very, very biased almost to the point of being laughable. It pisses me off because it's NOT accurate. I went to college to get a degree in Health Education, (but I'm short one class to graduate!), and a lot of the people with degrees in my field now work at the health department. My wic counselor went to school with me and was in all of my university classes. So there is definitely a sense of personal shame, but I also know that she was trained to be very, very nonjudgmental. I would LOVE to finish my degree and then go on and get my Masters in Public Health.

Anyway, off topic. I don't know if doctor will give her a RX for the RTF. I'm going to wait a few more days. We have a wic appt next week so I want to talk to her pediatrician before then.

 

[andella95]

Oh, I should add that wic pays for food for breastfeeding mothers as well. It's like, 4-5 gallons of milk/month, 16 oz whole grain (tortillas, bread, brown rice), $10 fruits & veggies, 5 cans tuna/salmon, 2 cans frozen juice, dozen eggs, 2 lbs cheese, 32 oz peanut butter, 32 oz approved breakfast cereal. Breastfeeding mom's get that for a year a long as they are breastfeeding. They also loaned me with a hospital grade electric pump (which is normally $80/month to rent).

When you're pregnant they provide pretty much the same, except no tuna. My 4 year old also gets pretty much the same, except only $6 fruits & veggies. Women can get on WIC for themselves when they are pregnant, and it continues until six months after a pregnancy ends. I actually had it for six months after my first mc, which took place at 12 weeks. You can only buy certain brands of products.

When Breanna turns 6 months they also offer baby food, but I don't know how much.

I still have it for all three of us, but don't generally get the things we don't need. We have like, 20 jars of peanut butter right now.

There are nutrition classes for pregnant women and mothers and they really focus on trying to help families in a lot of ways. I would LOVE to work for them someday, although it might end up being too painful.


And it varies by state. I'm in Idaho.

 

[Kage76]

They do get an incentive for having a high # of breastfeeders, which I think is fine. They are actually run by the health department. They offer tons of support and I love that they are pro-breastfeeding, but they give you a handout regarding the benefits of BF and dangers of formula and it's very, very biased almost to the point of being laughable. It pisses me off because it's NOT accurate. I went to college to get a degree in Health Education, (but I'm short one class to graduate!), and a lot of the people with degrees in my field now work at the health department. My wic counselor went to school with me and was in all of my university classes. So there is definitely a sense of personal shame, but I also know that she was trained to be very, very nonjudgmental. I would LOVE to finish my degree and then go on and get my Masters in Public Health.

Anyway, off topic. I don't know if doctor will give her a RX for the RTF. I'm going to wait a few more days. We have a wic appt next week so I want to talk to her pediatrician before then.

you should definitely do it- with your experience i think you would help a lot of women like us

and the food program sounds awesome! what a great idea.

 

[Lauki]

Hey ladies .

I've read a few posts in here and will be reading all of them when my little munchkin is in bed .

What I'm writing a post for is that I'm becoming a breastfeeding peer supporter. But I do realise for some women it just doesn't work (either physically or mentally or both). What I'm after is a bit of advice from you ladies about how you wish you had been supported in your switch from breastfeeding to formula.

I don't ever want to make anyone feel guilty for switching, I don't want to be a supporter who only pushes breastfeeding on women, I want to help them come to terms with stopping if they wish to do so.

So could anyone give me some tips in how to support women in this?

I hope you don't mind me posting in here!

.

 

[vintage67]

When breastfeeding is encouraged, it needs to be encouraged with a bit of "wiggle room." If breastfeeding is promoted to the point that a mother feels that her baby will be overweight, sickly and probably get cancer if it ends up on formula, that is going too far.

There will always be breastfeeding issues that no amount of fenugreek, blessed thistle, oatmeal, water, hospital grade pumps, nipple shields, meditation and tea will not fix due to inadequate supply, sickly mom, sickly baby, etc. Some babies will not latch.

When breastfeeding promotion has been too adamant, a mother is left with "no place to go." If formula has been overly degraded, how is that mother supposed to feel? I don't think it is "encouraging" formula to know that breastfeeding isn't always going to work out.

I worked with 3 different lactation consultants with my first baby. I only saw hospital lactation consultants with my second baby. All of them were walking around assuring the women that they would go home and get huge and engorged and be overflowing with milk. This sets up quite an expectation. I listened to this, knowing that I went home and waited for milk that only began to trickle around the 7-9 day point with my first baby.

All I would say is that it should be apparent to anyone that reads very much of this thread that while more education and support would have helped some of us, it wouldn't have helped all of us.

I strongly believe that part of being a breastfeeding counselor is also helping a woman let go of breastfeeding when it is obviously in the best interest of the mother and child. Therefore, a breastfeeding counselor should also know proper methods of formula preparation, etc.

Also, and I mean this with all my heart, that mom that has to turn to formula needs your understanding. She needs to know that she can "bottle feed with love." She needs to be encouraged to do skin on skin with her baby; to know that she can lovingly feed her baby and gaze into his/her eyes and the baby will not be a sickly mess. She needs to know that making the decision to breastfeed was done with love and sometimes letting go is done with love as well.

 

[Kage76]

Vintage i totally agree. I couldn't have said it any better. I was one of the lucky ones- i had a bunch of good women and midwifes who were so supportive, and encouraging and kind- but still i failed to get Sophie on the breast. Not one of these women (except the heinous cow) was ever unkind, or pushy or unsupportive of either types of feeding they always gently explained the benefits of BF and how good it was - rather than how bad formula was- but it didn't silence the rabid lactivist in my head. I was my worst enemy- not the health system. If it wasn't for my lovely health care midwifes who looked after me at my lowest points then i am fully convinced i would have thrown myself headfirst into PND with gay abandon. I think the woman has to be put first- not the message of breast is best- and if these breastfeeding peers and Counsellor see that a woman is struggling- (and boy its not hard to tell when they *are* struggling) - then they need to focus on making sure the relationship between the baby and the mum is growing strong as well as the breastfeeding relationship.

 

[wiiwidow]

Vintage your comment at the end brought tears to my eyes, exactly that sometimes letting go is done with love too.
Lauki thank you for coming by and trying to get more information from us, I think this thread will be invaluable to you in helping those who need to stop for whatever reason. My issue was I had little or no support from my hv/bf clinic/gp to get treatment for my thrush. I had had weeks of painful and wrecked nipples only to follow on with 4 weeks of thrush. I believe had I had more help an understanding I could've coped and potentially carried on. (that was me in a nutshell there was a lot more to it!) oh and I was prescribed antibiotics for an infected episiotmy, obviously now I know automatically that anti-bs can cause thrush, I just wish my hv or mw had mentioned that and suggested I ate some live yoghurt, took some probiotics, even just telling me to air my nipples more (as I leaked a lot) so they didn't get hot and damp... I wish so much that I'd thought of all these simple things! Moving on, it's hard so hard to be the one stopping bf when everyone around you is succesful. Or commenting how hard they had it but look theyre still going, you can turns into you could've but you didn't try hard enough. Sorry am rambling now but at least I may have given you some points xx

 

[Lauki]

Thanks so much ladies .

I don't believe formula is evil or anything. I think it's wonderful that we have a product so safe for little babies if breastfeeding doesn't work out !

I will be reading the whole thread over the next few days and am very greatful for your tips and opinions !

I think it will make me a much better supporter!

.

 

[vintage67]

Good for you Lauki! New moms need all the support they can get!

 

[kickass_MOM]

Day 12 postpartum , my lactation consultant(??) comes and tries to express milk from my boob , while shoving a squirmin into it.only 2 drops trickle out after about an hr of effort ,she says condescendingly ''look, you have milk".Youv got to be kidding me!!
LO got the joke and I swear she smiled before nodding off.
My only addition to the list would be :
Be realistic in your approach to breastfeeding support and always put the mom's mental wellbeing above everything else.
Happy moms = Happy babies.No two ways about it.

 

[Pielette]

Day 12 postpartum , my lactation consultant(??) comes and tries to express milk from my boob , while shoving a squirmin into it.only 2 drops trickle out after about an hr of effort ,she says condescendingly ''look, you have milk".Youv got to be kidding me!!
LO got the joke and I swear she smiled before nodding off.
My only addition to the list would be :
Be realistic in your approach to breastfeeding support and always put the mom's mental wellbeing above everything else.
Happy moms = Happy babies.No two ways about it.

That was one of the things that upset me. Throwing statistics at me like '99% of mothers can breastfeed' or whatever it is. Sure that's very helpful, I'm sure my son will be more than happy with the ten drops I can get out.
Simply acknowledging that there are issues that can't be solved is a huge step forward. Try to help women through the issues with respect and dignity, and if they can't be solved then support them by helping them with formula feeding. I think that's all women like us want - we don't want sympathy or pity. We want understanding, acceptance and respect. And lauki you asking this question is a huge mark of respect, so thank you

 

[kickass_MOM]

I second that.Thanks Lauki for daring to tread on for'mula'bidden territory and heres hoping you make babyfeeding a happy journey for all the mothers.

 

[Lauki]

Thanks so much for your kind and helpful words ladies !

 

[Kage76]

You are more than welcome Lauki- please feel free to drop in and ask anything- we are more than happy to help out.

 

[Kage76]

Well its mothers day over here tomorrow (sunday) and it just had me thinking. I want to wish you all the best of days. You are all very special ladies and your LO's are blessed to have mums that care so much about their well being. I hope you are all doing well and that your days are all "good" days without guilt or doubt. If its mothers day in your neck of the woods I hope you enjoy it and get those very special baby cuddles from your little ones.

 

[andella95]

Have a great week everyone!

 

[andella95]

I just want to say, for anyone truly struggling, it is okay to stop.

Don't beat yourself up.

Its taken me a long time, but I'm okay now.

Please don't do what I did and allow your baby to be hospitalized because you follow advice on a forum that says not to supplement if you have serious supply issues as that will only make things worse. Your baby's health should be your top priority. Recognize that this isn't about breastfeeding or formula feeding- its a medical issue, and although the internet is great for support, it's not the best place for real advice if their is an issue. Feeding a newborn baby is too important to rely on what people tell you online. Always, always get professional help. We can all learn a lot from reading about the experiences of others...but they aren't ever a substitute for assistance from someone in real life.

Don't ever, ever let anyone make you feel guilty because they tell you how hard they tried & the succeeded....don't let any one tell you they have a better approach at ANYTHING because it's natural and it's how it's done in other cultures around the world.

And don't let anyone make you feel bad for talking about how you feel.

 

[Miss_Quirky]

Hi all, I found out only after I had my LO that because I have PCOS it might not be possible to breastfeed, no one had mentioned it before then. We were in the hospital for a few days and I pumped just fine...but the closer I got to the two week mark the less and less I had to give now I end up with maybe a few drops and that's it.

I was devastated, even though I told myself before that it was okay if I couldn't...I've come to terms with it more now, but sometimes I really beat myself up still. I feel like there's something wrong with me because if everyone else can feed their child, why can't I? OH just doesn't get it though. We had planned to combifeed/express so he could take him for the day without me having to be there, but now that we are relying on only formula he doesn't understand why it upsets me so much. I have bad postpartum depression and have a few good days, but it still really hurts when he cries because I haven't gotten a bottle ready quite fast enough for him.

any advice on how to bring this up with OH? I tried telling him it makes me feel like a failure because I physically can't, but he still doesn't get it...he is usually a huge support system for me, but right now the only one who understands is my mum.