The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[Kage76]

I feel like there's something wrong with me because if everyone else can feed their child, why can't I?

sweetheart there is nothing wrong with you. Not everyone (in fact for various reasons) the vast majority of women can't feed their child. It wasn't until i found this thread that i realised that FF your child is rarely a choice. For various reasons most women come to a point where FF is the only way forward.

Your husband- like most of our other halves is probably very pragmatic and sees that your child is being fed and is ok with it. This believe it or not is a really good thing- if you read through some of our stories a lot of external pressure can be brought to bear by a well meaning OH's who have wholeheartedly bought into the breast is best message.

My suggestion is sit down with your DH explain that although he may not understand your grief, he does need your support and sympathy- explain that its something that you are really upset that you can't do and you need help to get over the grief- he may not understand it but he needs to love you through it.

One thing- is that it does get better- keep talking- to your mum, your OH and to us. The more you talk the better it feels.

 

[wavescrash]

A pediatrician acted like we were stupid when I mentioned before that my son didn't tolerate the powdered Alimentum, only the RTF. He said that the only difference was water...but that's not true!! The first ingredient in the powder is Corn Maltodextrin - and there is NONE in the RTF.

Weird... my daughter has just been started on Alimentum and when I asked her ped which is better (powdered or RTF) she told me they're exactly the same. I didn't think to check ingredients. We're keeping her on it a week (just switched) to see how it helps and then getting her doc to write a prescription for WIC. I like the RTF better but the powdered lasts longer :/

 

[Miss_Quirky]

I feel like there's something wrong with me because if everyone else can feed their child, why can't I?

sweetheart there is nothing wrong with you. Not everyone (in fact for various reasons) the vast majority of women can't feed their child. It wasn't until i found this thread that i realised that FF your child is rarely a choice. For various reasons most women come to a point where FF is the only way forward.

Your husband- like most of our other halves is probably very pragmatic and sees that your child is being fed and is ok with it. This believe it or not is a really good thing- if you read through some of our stories a lot of external pressure can be brought to bear by a well meaning OH's who have wholeheartedly bought into the breast is best message.

My suggestion is sit down with your DH explain that although he may not understand your grief, he does need your support and sympathy- explain that its something that you are really upset that you can't do and you need help to get over the grief- he may not understand it but he needs to love you through it.

One thing- is that it does get better- keep talking- to your mum, your OH and to us. The more you talk the better it feels.

Thank you very much. Reading a lot of other women's stories has made me feel a lot less alone, especially since I tried SO hard to get him to latch, and when he finally did it was so upsetting that I wasn't able to produce enough. I tried up til my supply dried up entirely, which was extremely sad for me...

My OH was very supportive of my decision to try to BF but still pushed combifeeding, so I think he just doesn't see how going from supplimenting with formula to all formula is much of a jump. I will try to talk to him though, it's something I would like him to try to understand, you know?

I am glad that LO is getting the food he needs, and I don't cry as often anymore when I feed him, but sometimes I still have to wake OH up at night and hand him off because I have to leave the room for a few. Pregnancy was so strange, it didn't hit me that I was having a child until I was in labour and I panicked, plus my delivery was traumatic, both effected my bonding with LO which made me feel SO guilty. BFing when we were still in the NICU enabled me to bond with him better, so when I stopped being able to it crushed me--I felt like a horrible mum, like I can't properly give him comfort anymore

 

[vintage67]

Quirky, the grief can overwhelm you. Be careful. It's a rough time in those early weeks even if everything was going "perfectly."

Come here and talk to those of us who understand. You may encounter some people that won't and it will bring it all back again. But just remember that you aren't any less of a mother because of this. You and your baby have a very long journey ahead of you! Especially since you are so young!
And this is a tiny blip along the way. It may not feel like that now but it is. Talking about it does help and I hope your fellow is able to be more support for you.

 

[Miss_Quirky]

Thankyou I do feel better now after reading that a lot of women have gone through something similar or worse, but the things people say can be really rough. I had a lactation consultant tell me I wasn't trying hard enough, and that everyone has been able to do it since the beginning of time so I can too, and a few mums in the grocery store or doctor's office sneer at me or assume it doesn't fit into my lifestyle..Not a lot of people (including myself before it happened) realize that frequently it isn't a choice at all :/

 

[vintage67]

Yes, human beings have done it since the beginning of time, but it hasn't always worked out since the beginning of time either! Women have "shared" nursing with other mothers in their tribes or villages when they were sick or had supply issues, humans have made feeding devices to give infants the milk of goats or cows (some of these have been found on archeaological digs that are thousands of years old, and babies have been started on solids at very young ages in the past when breastfeeding didn't work out for whatever reason.

And of course, babies have died from these issues. We are lucky to have modern formula, better now than ever, to help out when these issues arise.
It may not be the "first" choice, or "perfect" choice but when you love your child you find a plan B!

Some of the women in my mother's family had breastfeeding issues and put their babies on cow's milk at very early ages. I know that is discouraged now but people survived for the most part!

People can very cruel sometimes. Sometimes they are what they are and sometimes they get so enthusiastic with their "cheerleading" of breastfeeding that they say hurtful things without meaning to do so.

One of the most common of these is "99% of women can breastfeed." What this actually means is that only 1% of women will have a complete absence of lactation. That does happen, but is rare. It does not mean that 99% of women can breastfeed successfully without any supply issues.
Some supply and latch issues can be worked through and some can't. Some people use that 99% line in an attempt to "cheerlead" without realizing that they have left a woman "no place to go" when it doesn't work out.

I've had very hurtful things said to me online and in person and seen a lot of hurtful things said online. I hate that it can get to me so badly sometimes when I "know better." It will get better for you, I promise. Especially when that happy, healthy little baby starts to smile at you!

 

[Miss_Quirky]

That's what I told my mum, who for the most part understands except that she was able to BF for the first four months before putting me on soy formula, but she believes it was mostly a status thing socially..

I try to appriciate people trying to encourage it, but sometimes they don't realize what they say and I don't want to get all the way into it...
I wish someone would highlight the fact that a lot of women have lactation and supply issues I know it'll get better, and when he watches me contentedly after feeding I feel really happy that he gets everything he needs, but it still stings when someone says something hurtful to me or when I see mums feeding their LOs

 

[Leopard]

I'm really hoping to be out of this thread in a month or two. We are attempting relactation and relatching. I pray it works. I want my bond and I want my baby back.

 

[darkangel1981]

If it doesn't work out you can still have a wonderful relationship with your LO

Love doesn't come from a boob OR a bottle. It comes from your heart.

 

[Leopard]

Maybefor everyone, but without breastfeeding I will never be the mother I need to be. As people say 'happy mummy happy baby' well I haven't been happy since I was forced to formula feed,hopefully thiswill rectify any problems I'vecause by stopping.

 

[Lady_Bee]

Wish there were more awareness of breastfeeding issues. We had a class on breastfeeding in parentcraft and the midwife running it told us that when people give up and say "I didn't have enough milk" they just didn't try hard enough. It makes me sad that this is what the NHS courses are teaching. No wonder it's so hard for us to talk about these issues with people who haven't experienced it.

 

[MrsPOP]

Leopard I think we all wish you the best in your relactating attempts. I too tried and it didn't work for me but do you know what? I've bonded with her nonetheless and I never felt I lost my baby at all. Formula feeding hasn't made the mother I am. I'm the mother I am because that is just who I am. I don't define myself by feeding method, or sleeping or transport or whatever.

So yes good luck and farewell, as it sounds you don't wish to be in this thread anymore. I hope relactating is successful for you and God forbid if it isn't, I hope you can reconcile yourself with that fact and be able to move on and realise motherhood is more than feeding method.

 

[Kage76]

Wish there were more awareness of breastfeeding issues. We had a class on breastfeeding in parentcraft and the midwife running it told us that when people give up and say "I didn't have enough milk" they just didn't try hard enough. It makes me sad that this is what the NHS courses are teaching. No wonder it's so hard for us to talk about these issues with people who haven't experienced it.

Look I understand that there is an element of the best way to address supply issues is to latch more- but i think there has to be an element of compassion to it- that breastfeeding can be hard- that you need to seek support and that if you do go to FF that its ok. Women need to be told that feeding you child is the most important thing. And the message that its your fault if you can't breastfeed needs to be addressed.

I just revisited my youtube playlist for breastfeeding and one of the things i have just noticed is that all the beautiful breastfeeding photos are all of 4-6 months old. I don't see a lot of newborns and strung out mums.

 

[Kage76]

I'm really hoping to be out of this thread in a month or two. We are attempting relactation and relatching. I pray it works. I want my bond and I want my baby back.

I wish you all the best- i hope for your sake you are able to relactate or find peace with formula.

 

[Celesse]

Wish there were more awareness of breastfeeding issues. We had a class on breastfeeding in parentcraft and the midwife running it told us that when people give up and say "I didn't have enough milk" they just didn't try hard enough. It makes me sad that this is what the NHS courses are teaching. No wonder it's so hard for us to talk about these issues with people who haven't experienced it.

Our BFing class with NCT was all the nice side of BFing (and a bit of eating oranges). We were told how wonderful it was, that milk came in on day 3 as if it was fact and that "occasionally baby will have a growth spurt and feed a little more frequently" but it was left at that. I had so little knowledge from the classes that it didn't even occur to me that on day 3 -5 when I was at home with DD slowly starving her that she wasn't getting enough milk. I thought she has colic. 18% weight loss and a hospital readmission later I know different and that my milk hadn't come in.

I think often BFing classes give this idealised picture of Bfing so it doesn't put people off from trying, but in reality is dis-empowers woman and allows issues to happen, without women having the knowledge of how to put it right, where to turn to for help and gives them no idea that sometimes BFing just doesn't work out.

 

[Lady_Bee]

I think often BFing classes give this idealised picture of Bfing so it doesn't put people off from trying, but in reality is dis-empowers woman and allows issues to happen, without women having the knowledge of how to put it right, where to turn to for help and gives them no idea that sometimes BFing just doesn't work out.

So true.

I think a more balanced approach would make far more sense.

 

[Lauki]

I think often BFing classes give this idealised picture of Bfing so it doesn't put people off from trying, but in reality is dis-empowers woman and allows issues to happen, without women having the knowledge of how to put it right, where to turn to for help and gives them no idea that sometimes BFing just doesn't work out.

So true.

I think a more balanced approach would make far more sense.

Agree! Breastfeeding is not all happy fun and great!!

That's why it's so important there is support and education about it! That people know that a newborn feeding frequently and very very long can be very normal behaviour. That it doesn't have to mean they have low supply.

Women need to know about tongue and lip tie. It needs to be easier to get this diagnosed and treated.

Women need to know the signs of a baby really starving (no wet/dirty nappies, dehydration, weight loss).

Breastfeeding is bloody difficult. And women should know that if it is not working out for whatever reason, there is formula. That there's nothing to feel guilty about.

I agree with 'Love comes from the heart, not from the breast!'.

 

[MrsPOP]

Lauki it's lovely to see you here and I wish you luck with your endeavours to become a BF supporter. I think it's clear you're going to be amazing xxx

 

[andella95]

Maybefor everyone, but without breastfeeding I will never be the mother I need to be. As people say 'happy mummy happy baby' well I haven't been happy since I was forced to formula feed,hopefully thiswill rectify any problems I'vecause by stopping.

I really, truly hope it works out for you! It makes me very sad to hear that you feel you aren't bonding because you aren't breastfeeding and that you are allowing it to define you as a mother. Just know that know matter what happens, I think you are a great mother who loves and cares very much for her baby, regardless of how you may feel about yourself.

Best of luck!

 

[Lauki]

Lauki it's lovely to see you here and I wish you luck with your endeavours to become a BF supporter. I think it's clear you're going to be amazing xxx

Thanks !

I refuse to become a tunnel vision 'Nearly everyone is physically able to produce enough milk, so they all have to be forced to breastfeed' supporter.

I admire you all for being great mummies and I hope it doesn't offend anyone I sometimes reply in here because I did manage to and still am breastfeeding .