The Loss of Breastfeeding - Guilt, Grief & Support Thread

[andella95]

Of course it doesn't offend us, Lauki! I think that for a lot of us, one of our methods of healing is to help "spread the word" so to speak about the guilt, disappointment, and feelings that can occur when breastfeeding doesn't work out as planned.

The fact that you are successfully breastfeeding does not bother me even a little bit- we have nothing against successful breastfeeders (a bit of jealousy, but it's a healthy kind, lol).

Ultimately, I don't want anyone else to have to suffer the kind of emotional torment that we have went through.

 

[wavescrash]

Wish there were more awareness of breastfeeding issues. We had a class on breastfeeding in parentcraft and the midwife running it told us that when people give up and say "I didn't have enough milk" they just didn't try hard enough. It makes me sad that this is what the NHS courses are teaching. No wonder it's so hard for us to talk about these issues with people who haven't experienced it.

Agreed. I went to a BF class a week before my LO was born and all the consultant did was talk about how ANYONE can breastfeed and if you get to the 3 week mark, you're golden and it's smooth sailing from there on out. She also spent a great deal of time talking about how formula has been proven to kill babies.

Needless to say, when she called me the other day to see how I was doing I just ignored the call. I didn't need to tell her I'm formula feeding now because BF didn't work out and have her try to convince me to try again and come in so she can show me how it's done. My first child never died from formula, nor did any of my siblings or my entire family (we were almost all FF) so I'm pretty sure we'll be okay haha.

But honestly... how does a class like that help anyone?

 

[andella95]

Wish there were more awareness of breastfeeding issues. We had a class on breastfeeding in parentcraft and the midwife running it told us that when people give up and say "I didn't have enough milk" they just didn't try hard enough. It makes me sad that this is what the NHS courses are teaching. No wonder it's so hard for us to talk about these issues with people who haven't experienced it.

Agreed. I went to a BF class a week before my LO was born and all the consultant did was talk about how ANYONE can breastfeed and if you get to the 3 week mark, you're golden and it's smooth sailing from there on out. She also spent a great deal of time talking about how formula has been proven to kill babies.

Needless to say, when she called me the other day to see how I was doing I just ignored the call. I didn't need to tell her I'm formula feeding now because BF didn't work out and have her try to convince me to try again and come in so she can show me how it's done. My first child never died from formula, nor did any of my siblings or my entire family (we were almost all FF) so I'm pretty sure we'll be okay haha.

But honestly... how does a class like that help anyone?

Pro-breastfeeding should NEVER be anti-formula.

 

[wavescrash]

Pro-breastfeeding should NEVER be anti-formula.

I agree 100%.

 

[vintage67]

That kind of hyperbolic "cheerleading" just leaves a woman with nowhere to go when it doesn't go smoothly. I completely understand not wanting to tell people that it's going to be so hard and awful because that wouldn't be good either and would scare people away. Has to be a nice balance.

When I was back in the hospital for staph and seperated from my one week old, I would hear nurses in the hallway telling other postpartum mothers that their breasts were going to get "huge" by day 3 and be dripping with milk. That certainly never happened to me with either pregnancy. Here I was hospitalized with a 7 day old baby at home and I didn't have any engorgement whatsoever. I couldn't even pump anything to speak of but then again I had 103 degree fevers daily. What were my husband and mother supposed to do at home? Let the baby starve while I was in the hospital?
Makes me mad sometimes.

Here is a picture of me the day I came home from the hospital . The baby is nearly 3 weeks old and I had only gotten to spend 3 days at home with him at that point. This is just after my husband brought me home. I am still attached to a drainage bag under my dress. You can see the box of Similac
on the dresser behind me and the house is a mess. I would wear the bag for 5 more days. And yes I did come home and try pumping to get my supply back. This picture and all the others from the same time make me so very sad and so angry. This was my "miracle baby", born to me at age 44 after 3 miscarriages. My chance to try and breastfeed again.

 

[vintage67]

And I do absolutely know how lucky I am to have had a beautiful, healthy baby at my age. I am grateful everyday, believe me. But the pregnancy and c-section complications were difficult and the post partum hospitalization was a lot to deal with. I can objectively put in in perspective most of the time, but there are moments as we all know!

 

[mrs.amillian]

Thank you for this thread, I've read it through thoughly and have found a lot of comfort in it

I feel I've failed my daughter in many ways, I love her so much and just want the best so like everyone else I am willing to do anything to ensure she is happy and thriving, so we've ended up combi feeding.

I really don't know what happened and why it went wrong, she was breech and we needed a C-section, which was so polar opposite from my dream of a calm relaxed home birth and then I wasn't able to feed her the way I wanted, she lost 11% in 4 days, and although we went to BF clinics from 3 days old, her latch is terrible.

I don't know why my supply never increased, I pump, pump, pump, take copious amount of fenugreek, 90mg of domperidone a day, so much so I do get terrible stomach pains and then have to leave it for a day or so, I eat so much oats that I'm sick of them, fennel tea (I miss regular) and still can only provide half her needs.

I'm feeling a lot better about bottle feeding but sometime despair still overcomes me and I get really snappy and sad, my OH doesn't really underdstand my feelings of guilty and sadness.

I don't want to give up BF even nothing is coming out, am I selfish for carrying on?

I also think the pressure to BF is emmense, it comes from everywhere and giving formula, I feel I have to hide it and do it in secret, I cried in Boots when I brought a cartoon of milk for Tessa and the assistant asked if I would like to pay with my points, I said yes and she happily told me "oh no the goverment wont let you, whoops" I felt so terrible buying it in the first place and then it was like big brother was shaking his head and condemming you as a bad mother.

I did find that using bottles that are colourful and happy looking (Mam) really helped, I enjoyed choosing them and it makes me smile when I see how cheerful they are, shallow I know but it helps.

Also another lady on here suggested not calling it formula but to refer to it as milk, and this too has really helped.

It has taken 3 months to accept this turn of events and still I am not completely accepting, but when I see her smiling face and hear her chatter I know it is all worth it

 

[andella95]

Thank you for this thread, I've read it through thoughly and have found a lot of comfort in it

I feel I've failed my daughter in many ways, I love her so much and just want the best so like everyone else I am willing to do anything to ensure she is happy and thriving, so we've ended up combi feeding.

I really don't know what happened and why it went wrong, she was breech and we needed a C-section, which was so polar opposite from my dream of a calm relaxed home birth and then I wasn't able to feed her the way I wanted, she lost 11% in 4 days, and although we went to BF clinics from 3 days old, her latch is terrible.

I don't know why my supply never increased, I pump, pump, pump, take copious amount of fenugreek, 90mg of domperidone a day, so much so I do get terrible stomach pains and then have to leave it for a day or so, I eat so much oats that I'm sick of them, fennel tea (I miss regular) and still can only provide half her needs.

I'm feeling a lot better about bottle feeding but sometime despair still overcomes me and I get really snappy and sad, my OH doesn't really underdstand my feelings of guilty and sadness.

I don't want to give up BF even nothing is coming out, am I selfish for carrying on?

I also think the pressure to BF is emmense, it comes from everywhere and giving formula, I feel I have to hide it and do it in secret, I cried in Boots when I brought a cartoon of milk for Tessa and the assistant asked if I would like to pay with my points, I said yes and she happily told me "oh no the goverment wont let you, whoops" I felt so terrible buying it in the first place and then it was like big brother was shaking his head and condemming you as a bad mother.

I did find that using bottles that are colourful and happy looking (Mam) really helped, I enjoyed choosing them and it makes me smile when I see how cheerful they are, shallow I know but it helps.

Also another lady on here suggested not calling it formula but to refer to it as milk, and this too has really helped.

It has taken 3 months to accept this turn of events and still I am not completely accepting, but when I see her smiling face and hear her chatter I know it is all worth it

You haven't failed your daughter! Not even close!

You are making sure she is happy, loved, secure, fed, and healthy!

I agree with not calling it formula & calling it milk, this has helped me a little. I also say little things like "Are you hungry? Mommy will go make you something to eat." Sounds stupid, but it helps me.

Please know you aren't alone. Big, big hugs of support to you!

 

[Kage76]

Thank you for this thread, I've read it through thoughly and have found a lot of comfort in it

I feel I've failed my daughter in many ways, I love her so much and just want the best so like everyone else I am willing to do anything to ensure she is happy and thriving, so we've ended up combi feeding.

I really don't know what happened and why it went wrong, she was breech and we needed a C-section, which was so polar opposite from my dream of a calm relaxed home birth and then I wasn't able to feed her the way I wanted, she lost 11% in 4 days, and although we went to BF clinics from 3 days old, her latch is terrible.

I don't know why my supply never increased, I pump, pump, pump, take copious amount of fenugreek, 90mg of domperidone a day, so much so I do get terrible stomach pains and then have to leave it for a day or so, I eat so much oats that I'm sick of them, fennel tea (I miss regular) and still can only provide half her needs.

I'm feeling a lot better about bottle feeding but sometime despair still overcomes me and I get really snappy and sad, my OH doesn't really underdstand my feelings of guilty and sadness.

I don't want to give up BF even nothing is coming out, am I selfish for carrying on?

I also think the pressure to BF is emmense, it comes from everywhere and giving formula, I feel I have to hide it and do it in secret, I cried in Boots when I brought a cartoon of milk for Tessa and the assistant asked if I would like to pay with my points, I said yes and she happily told me "oh no the goverment wont let you, whoops" I felt so terrible buying it in the first place and then it was like big brother was shaking his head and condemming you as a bad mother.

I did find that using bottles that are colourful and happy looking (Mam) really helped, I enjoyed choosing them and it makes me smile when I see how cheerful they are, shallow I know but it helps.

Also another lady on here suggested not calling it formula but to refer to it as milk, and this too has really helped.

It has taken 3 months to accept this turn of events and still I am not completely accepting, but when I see her smiling face and hear her chatter I know it is all worth it

For me I had to pretend that i was ok with formula at the beginning- and as I dropped the pumping session that were driving me to despair a funny thing happened- the world didn't end Sophie didn't die- (or even get sick) but I got my life back- i hung out with Sophie rather than the pump.

It took me ages to really let go of pumping for weeks and weeks afterwards the idea of going back to expressing lingered- I was just having a break- I would go back to it when i had a better handle on things. Maybe it would have been different if i got a decent amount out of the pump- but the thought of devoting so much time to it lost its attraction when I saw that we were doing fine.

The pressure to breastfeed is immense- but its a sneaky pressure- one that makes you the biggest lactivist. How could you willingly NOT give your child the best in life? how could you put your child in harms way? I have always said the nastiest, feral and unsympathetic breastfeeding activist i ever met is in my head- shouting her slogans over and over until i was brought to my knees. As andella said being pro breastfeeding shouldn't mean automatically anti formula.

The problem is that the government is trying to undo 50 years of damage to breastfeeding- and the one thing that is essential to BF is good support- but how can our mothers and their generation- the ones that grew up on the message that formula is far superior to BM- be that support?

We now live in a time where we don't have the big family units and extended familys to allow us the time to get into breastfeeding- Back in the old days- if you had trouble feeding- another woman would step in a help out while you sorted out your supply issues- for god sake a lot of societies would confine the woman after childbirth so that all she had to do was roll around in bed with her newborn - and thereby establishing a supply of breastmilk. Now the norm is you are given 3 days in hospital- with a bunch of midwifes who manhandle you and all of them seem to have different ideas and training in regards to BFing and then you are discharged before your milk comes in- with your head full of the perils of formula and in the case of the US its back to full time work at 6 weeks.

Anyway- what we need is more understanding in both camps - BF need all the support they can get and those who "choose" formula need to have understanding. Until both sides agree then the point is going to be missed- feeding you child is the goal- not the method .

I hope all you girls are having a good day!

 

[Starry Night]

My dh will say to ds, "time for your milk". I like that. We're actually getting close to switching to cow's milk so I don't really have to think about it anymore (or pay for it either, ha ha)

I do want to BF if I get pregnant again but I'm nervous to even SAY that I want to because then the nurses will be so pushy in the hospital when it doesn't go well. Our hospital has a whiteboard beside each bed and they write the feeding method the mother has chosen. Maybe next time I should have them write combi-feeding. That way I get some BF support but not have them man-handle my boobs and screaming baby for 30 minutes at a time.

 

[wavescrash]

That way I get some BF support but not have them man-handle my boobs and screaming baby for 30 minutes at a time.

That was the worst... asking for help while still in the hospital and having them manhandle my newborn. How the babies aren't traumatized by that is beyond me. The one nurse put her into the football hold and nearly had her hanging off the bed, just holding her by her head. OH & I were about ready to kill her so I just said "I got it, thanks..." and sent her on her way. Not a single thing any nurse or consultant did (or said) helped me at all... especially once I was at home and left to my own devices. And the consultants I was able to call and seek advice from made it seem like ANYONE could BF so long as they were determined enough but I'm just glad to know now that's not the case and there's no reason any of us should beat ourselves up if we have to give up BF (whatever the reason may be.)

 

[MrsPOP]

My baby was traumatised by it, so much that every time we tried to latch her she would frantically shake her head and scream in distress

 

[vintage67]

With my first son I had a lactation consultant come to my house because I was having so much trouble. It was day 9 and my milk had just begun to "trickle." She was so rough with hime! She pressed him on my breast like someone trying to shove a grapefruit or an orange on one of those squeezers! She brought nipple shields and we fought with those. The screaming and crying from the nursery (mine and the baby's) was so bad my husband went out and sat on the porch! She stayed over an hour until I finally asked her to leave. She said, "well, I guess just give him a bottle," like I was a such a loser. Nearly 8 years ago this month and I remember it all like it was yesterday!

 

[kickass_MOM]

The one lactation consultant I called, just thrust her finger into my 1 week old LOs mouth to see if she had a weak suck.It was so sudden, I couldn't even react.I was hopping mad ,I never called her again.I was ok with not being able to BF than put LO at a risk of catching bugs.

 

[mrs.amillian]

I gotta say, I found the support I sought was very good, I went to an NCT B.A.B.I.E.S session and they would spend a good hour with me and LO showing very gently how to position her and how to get her lips out, she never did make the classic mouth shape.
The reason we use the taper Mam nipples are due to her latch.

In the hospital I was so determined to leave I showed them her feeding once (she did beautifully that one time) and then left, I would have signed us out after if they wouldn't have let us go.

But I also asked my SIL, who has been too many classes and is a BFing teacher, and my Mum to both come round and help and they would sit all day with me a Tessa and my husband would look after my nephews, to try and get my LO to latch and suckle properly.

Sadly she still is rubbish and I personally think her crappy latch is one of the reasons my milk supply never really increased.

 

[MrsPOP]

We've been chatting bout Lip Ties and Tongue Ties recently and that's what I've always wondered if that was the reason for my BF failure but never looked into it to much. I think I was too scared to in case it *wasnt* the reason and I could never find out why. Not knowing why has been really difficult, I've mainly just blamed myself constantly... Even though I know I had plenty of milk and my nipples weren't too flat etc.


But because we've been talking about it I thought I would investigate...

Turns out Alice has a very severe LT AND TT. No wonder she couldn't latch properly and it distressed her poor thing.

But it's helped to know there was an explanation. Just angry it was never caught at the time. If they had been snipped would she have been able to BF?

Apparently there is a link between LTs and TTs and reflux, which she had severely.

So when no2 comes along...first thing I will ask them to check for is LT and TT.

 

[Lauki]

LT and TT can indeed make a baby unable to latch. Definitely if she had both and they were severe!

How horrible that it wasn't discovered in time, it would've probably made such a difference.

There's not enough professionals in the UK that have a good knowledge about this and that really sucks .

 

[MrsPOP]

Considering we were admitted to hospital with weight loss, jaundice and a baby refusing to latch you'd have thought they would have looked but nope, just stuck me on a pump and never bothered helping me latch.



But now I KNOW. And that really does help.

 

[24/7]

My LO also has a severe lip and posterior tongue tie, at least we know now I guess. xx

 

[kickass_MOM]

a