the REAL first 6 weeks postpartum for FTM's

[MEPride]

I am a ftm. Delivered via c-section on September 8, 2017 to my beautiful little girl, Aurora. And I was completely blind sighted.

I want to tell other soon-to-be ftm my 'experience' of the first 6 weeks 5 days with a newborn that I consider average, or so I've been led to believe.

I break it down into 2 week increments:

-week 0-2: tough because of sleep deprivation and recovering from surgery. Tough because of nursing sessions every 1-2 hours and figuring things out like car seats and how to turn off perpetual worry-wart mom brain (checking on baby every 2seconds). Crying spells and feeling sad/lonely/alone related to hormones every day to couple days. But a sleepy baby who is easy, content, and is put down for naps quickly and easily... except from 10pm-2am when baby inexplicably wakes up.

Weeks 2-4: "bliss". Starting to find our groove and starting to get a routine down. Nights are getting easier and she no longer is awake for hours on end. Clusterfeeding is less and baby is spacing her nursing sessions more. A 3 hour stretch of sleep at night on occasion! No more baby blues but still with a crying jag maybe once a week as a result of sleep deprivation. Baby is still easily put down to sleep but she is starting to get inconsistently cranky in the evenings.

Week 5: hell on wheels. Ouch. Baby goes through her first leap week and the days alternate from being completely off her rocker with fussiness and refusing to sleep and sleeping all day and night. Talk about at my wits end with frustration because of a baby who is super cranky. But after 5 days she 'wakes up' and is suddenly more alert and aware. Notice little milestones achieved. Thank goodness mil was visiting to help that week.... but with a more aware baby comes a more consistently cranky baby in the evenings. The witching hours are officially a constant companion in the evenings. Can last a few hours any time between 4pm and 11pm. Miss crankpot is her new nicknames.

Week 5.5-6.5: crankiness continues to increase. Toughest period yet with the new baby. She is calmest first thing in the morning but it all starts going slightly downhill after her first nap of the day ends around 10am. She gets more fussy as the day goes on. Doesn't know what she wants except to suck on the breast or binky for comfort. Usually has meltdowns in the evening when she won't sleep and can be awake for hours needing 100% attention/entertainment and a lot of soothing to go back to sleep. Nursing around 7-8pm is a nightmare. Overtired and fussy. She cries at the breast, pulls away, claws at it. Very ineffective nursing session. Momma sometimes cries too, feeling worn thin and frustrated. Doesn't know how to help baby and generally feeling helpless and out of control. Momma is desperate for some alone time in the evening sometimes. But baby simultaneously is fussiest around momma and is soothed best by momma. Momma feels almost betrayed. She can't sleep at night, not because of baby but because she is stressed, overworked, and frustrated. Baby is better at night and can sleep for 4 hour stretches.


No one has said ANYTHING about this part of the newborn phase. There was no warning. Everything online and in books gloss over the unrelenting fussiness around 6-8 weeks. It can be hell. I'm still waiting for the moment she smiles.

Don't get me wrong. I am so happy I have her in my life. She is so wonderful. But I won't pretend... the newborn phase sucks. It's a good thing we women have ocytocin to help us forget. And lots of newborn baby smell. And snuggles. Lots of adorable snuggles.

I figured I share this as it's something overlooked and not spoken of. Hopefully this thread will open conversation for new and veteran moms to share their experiences.

 

[Cewsbaby]

Oh, I remember that stage all too well. In fact, its the part I am least looking forward to. My son actually never wanted to sleep at night but it turned out he wasn't latching well at all so he never got enough milk. That was the most frustrating thing ever but I pumped and it helped me out a lot.

Im curious how much harder its all going to be with a 3 year old and a newborn. Thankfully my DH will get 2 weeks of paternity leave and then is taking 2 weeks of leave to help out. MIL and mom should also be here spaced out to help me.

My biggest surprise though was how my insides felt for a few months. It was hallow and everything felt like it was floating around. It made me feel so grossed out.

 

[GI_Jane]

Not looking forward to the sleep deprivation stage and having a 4 year old to deal with either!

 

[MEPride]

Oh, I remember that stage all too well. In fact, its the part I am least looking forward to. My son actually never wanted to sleep at night but it turned out he wasn't latching well at all so he never got enough milk. That was the most frustrating thing ever but I pumped and it helped me out a lot.

Im curious how much harder its all going to be with a 3 year old and a newborn. Thankfully my DH will get 2 weeks of paternity leave and then is taking 2 weeks of leave to help out. MIL and mom should also be here spaced out to help me.

My biggest surprise though was how my insides felt for a few months. It was hallow and everything felt like it was floating around. It made me feel so grossed out.

How did you discover that he wasn't latching well?

Funny, I never felt like my insides were floating around. Maybe it's because I had a c section? I did feel empty for a while though. Like something deeply a part of me was missing.

 

[MEPride]

Not looking forward to the sleep deprivation stage and having a 4 year old to deal with either!

I don't blame you! We want 2 kids and I cannot even fathom having a toddler and a newborn at the same time.

 

[krissie328]

I remember feeling that way with DS. It is such a shock because people make it seem so amazing with a newborn. That was definitely not my experience and I am really dreading it.

I did find by 3 months we were in a groove and he was smiling so things improved a lot by then.

 

[Kelskiii]

Oh yes I remember those days .. 9 weeks & I will be doing it again ..

Yet this time all that with a soon to be 4 year old who will need to be at nursery 8.45am each morning. I remember with R we used to sleep on & off all morning finally getting dressed mid afternoon .. most certainly won't be happening this time round.

I do have plenty of family to help me though, I will probably let them help this time & not be so protective of my daughter .. maybe/maybe not.

It does get easier though! My daughter still doesn't sleep well but no longer every 2 hours haha soon as we got to 12 weeks we found it got easier x

 

[Cewsbaby]

Oh, I remember that stage all too well. In fact, its the part I am least looking forward to. My son actually never wanted to sleep at night but it turned out he wasn't latching well at all so he never got enough milk. That was the most frustrating thing ever but I pumped and it helped me out a lot.

Im curious how much harder its all going to be with a 3 year old and a newborn. Thankfully my DH will get 2 weeks of paternity leave and then is taking 2 weeks of leave to help out. MIL and mom should also be here spaced out to help me.

My biggest surprise though was how my insides felt for a few months. It was hallow and everything felt like it was floating around. It made me feel so grossed out.

How did you discover that he wasn't latching well?

Funny, I never felt like my insides were floating around. Maybe it's because I had a c section? I did feel empty for a while though. Like something deeply a part of me was missing.

He cried a lot and was really gassy all the time. He was really getting more air than milk. When we took him in I asked to speak to the lactation consultant again and we discovered he had lost 1lb in 2 weeks. We tried even with bottle feeding (breast milk) and he just wouldn't latch. I am big breasted and the consultant thought that might have something to do with it. Hoping this baby will breastfeed but if not then I am perfectly ok with pumping again. I was able to do it for 6 months last time before my supply ran out.

 

[Bonnie11]

Yes! Motherhood often looks really way but it's the hardest job in the world, especially the first few months. I don't think I felt properly confident till around 6 months. I was just treading water before that!

 

[Palladium]

No matter how prepared you think you are, the reality is such a shock!

With my DD I was completely unprepared for when she had bad gas on the second night and wouldn't settle. Thank goodness for a very patient and attentive midwife who helped me out!

Then on the fifth night (still in hospital after a C-section) I was totally caught off guard by her first session of cluster feeding from around midnight to 4am. I'd thought I'd read up on everything but somehow I'd missed cluster feeding, and I was at my wits end with her. My DH was with me but I was trying to let him sleep as much as possible because he was going to be driving us home the next morning. Thankfully a midwife came along to check on us and explained what was happening so at least I knew she wasn't sick or anything.

 

[KatBar]

Yep, definitely a good shock to the system having your first baby!
I actually did have people tell me how hard it would be, but to be honest, until you experience it yourself, you just don’t fully understand.
My son was a nightmare in the first 2 weeks.. he would literally not sleep from around midnight through to 5am (sometimes 6am). My husband and I weren’t smart about it either.. we’d both get up and try and “figure things out”, rather than have one of us sleep/rest, and then take over after a few hours and let the other sleep/rest. We won’t be making that mistake a second time I can tell you haha.

I have to say though, I try not to over-share with first time mum’s to be.. Some mum’s to-be don’t want to hear it, and feel like you’re being a Debbie downer. And of course, some people also have a good experience too, and don’t experience the horrible stuff you warn them about - lucky ducks hahaha.

Definitely all gets better with time tho (gosh I remember hearing that a lot in the first few months, but it really is true lol). I am not looking forward to doing it again with the added bonus of a toddler on top, but I just keep telling myself “it’s only 6 months of craziness, then another 6 months of semi-craziness before it should start calming down and things will be looking up again” (ie: sleep quality will be improving and sanity will be on the up hahaha).

 

[MEPride]

No matter how prepared you think you are, the reality is such a shock!

With my DD I was completely unprepared for when she had bad gas on the second night and wouldn't settle. Thank goodness for a very patient and attentive midwife who helped me out!

Then on the fifth night (still in hospital after a C-section) I was totally caught off guard by her first session of cluster feeding from around midnight to 4am. I'd thought I'd read up on everything but somehow I'd missed cluster feeding, and I was at my wits end with her. My DH was with me but I was trying to let him sleep as much as possible because he was going to be driving us home the next morning. Thankfully a midwife came along to check on us and explained what was happening so at least I knew she wasn't sick or anything.

Wow, you and I had it reversed. My DD was clusterfeeding the first night and it went almost non-stop until the end of the next day when my milk came in. It was a week later when I discovered tacos did NOT agree with her system. Poor baby was screaming!

 

[MEPride]

Yep, definitely a good shock to the system having your first baby!
I actually did have people tell me how hard it would be, but to be honest, until you experience it yourself, you just don’t fully understand.
My son was a nightmare in the first 2 weeks.. he would literally not sleep from around midnight through to 5am (sometimes 6am). My husband and I weren’t smart about it either.. we’d both get up and try and “figure things out”, rather than have one of us sleep/rest, and then take over after a few hours and let the other sleep/rest. We won’t be making that mistake a second time I can tell you haha.

I have to say though, I try not to over-share with first time mum’s to be.. Some mum’s to-be don’t want to hear it, and feel like you’re being a Debbie downer. And of course, some people also have a good experience too, and don’t experience the horrible stuff you warn them about - lucky ducks hahaha.

Definitely all gets better with time tho (gosh I remember hearing that a lot in the first few months, but it really is true lol). I am not looking forward to doing it again with the added bonus of a toddler on top, but I just keep telling myself “it’s only 6 months of craziness, then another 6 months of semi-craziness before it should start calming down and things will be looking up again” (ie: sleep quality will be improving and sanity will be on the up hahaha).

I totally get it. Some people don't want to hear it. And others have perfect and happy babies. They are so lucky! But the information out there is lacking. I do SO much research... and I don't recall these kinds of details. Just that it will be tough; there's sleep deprivation and hormone fluctuations.... yikes. That's just code for: the witching hour can last 4-5 hours (in my DD case) where you have to constantly change tactics just to survive or suffer the wrath of a completely inconsolable baby... all the while crying with your boobs hanging out of your shirt because clusterfeeding is REAL and the only thing that can calm your baby.... that is until the novelty of it wears off and baby becomes fussy at the breast and claws at it.

But then the next morning you have a perfect gen who gives amazing cuddles and stares at you with such love and adoration. It melts your heart to hear their little coos and they make you laugh when they stretch after a really good meal.

 

[jessmke]

... all the while crying with your boobs hanging out of your shirt because clusterfeeding is REAL and the only thing that can calm your baby.... that is until the novelty of it wears off and baby becomes fussy at the breast and claws at it.

When my son was about a week old I answered the door for the Fedex guy with my boob hanging out of my shirt, and I didn't even realize it until 5 min after the guy left and my toddler pointed to my boob and said "milk!". Oops! Poor guy must have felt so awkward and I was totally oblivious!

 

[Palladium]

No matter how prepared you think you are, the reality is such a shock!

With my DD I was completely unprepared for when she had bad gas on the second night and wouldn't settle. Thank goodness for a very patient and attentive midwife who helped me out!

Then on the fifth night (still in hospital after a C-section) I was totally caught off guard by her first session of cluster feeding from around midnight to 4am. I'd thought I'd read up on everything but somehow I'd missed cluster feeding, and I was at my wits end with her. My DH was with me but I was trying to let him sleep as much as possible because he was going to be driving us home the next morning. Thankfully a midwife came along to check on us and explained what was happening so at least I knew she wasn't sick or anything.

Wow, you and I had it reversed. My DD was clusterfeeding the first night and it went almost non-stop until the end of the next day when my milk came in. It was a week later when I discovered tacos did NOT agree with her system. Poor baby was screaming!

The midwife told me it was unusual for it to take so long, that normally it happened around the second night, but it might have been because for the first few days we were giving her formula top ups to stabilise her blood sugar. My milk came in around day 3 so we were able to stop giving the formula after that, and she'd taken to breastfeeding so well that I think she just needed to get the supply going.

 

[KatBar]

Yep, definitely a good shock to the system having your first baby!
I actually did have people tell me how hard it would be, but to be honest, until you experience it yourself, you just don’t fully understand.
My son was a nightmare in the first 2 weeks.. he would literally not sleep from around midnight through to 5am (sometimes 6am). My husband and I weren’t smart about it either.. we’d both get up and try and “figure things out”, rather than have one of us sleep/rest, and then take over after a few hours and let the other sleep/rest. We won’t be making that mistake a second time I can tell you haha.

I have to say though, I try not to over-share with first time mum’s to be.. Some mum’s to-be don’t want to hear it, and feel like you’re being a Debbie downer. And of course, some people also have a good experience too, and don’t experience the horrible stuff you warn them about - lucky ducks hahaha.

Definitely all gets better with time tho (gosh I remember hearing that a lot in the first few months, but it really is true lol). I am not looking forward to doing it again with the added bonus of a toddler on top, but I just keep telling myself “it’s only 6 months of craziness, then another 6 months of semi-craziness before it should start calming down and things will be looking up again” (ie: sleep quality will be improving and sanity will be on the up hahaha).

I totally get it. Some people don't want to hear it. And others have perfect and happy babies. They are so lucky! But the information out there is lacking. I do SO much research... and I don't recall these kinds of details. Just that it will be tough; there's sleep deprivation and hormone fluctuations.... yikes. That's just code for: the witching hour can last 4-5 hours (in my DD case) where you have to constantly change tactics just to survive or suffer the wrath of a completely inconsolable baby... all the while crying with your boobs hanging out of your shirt because clusterfeeding is REAL and the only thing that can calm your baby.... that is until the novelty of it wears off and baby becomes fussy at the breast and claws at it.

But then the next morning you have a perfect gen who gives amazing cuddles and stares at you with such love and adoration. It melts your heart to hear their little coos and they make you laugh when they stretch after a really good meal.

Yeah, very true! We were told the 12am -5/6am nightmare was just cluster feeding (more like hedious torture lol).
We had the witching hour stuff as well - although certainly sounds like you've got a bad case with it lasting 4-5 hours.
I remember one night when our son was 2 months old, he'd start screaming everytime we tried putting him down. We called the midwife hotline because we just didn't know what to do, or if it was "normal". She thought it might be an ear infection, so told us to go into our local emergency department (it was already around 8-9pm). This then entailed 5-6 hours stuck in the hospital, our son getting his heel pricked for a blood test, and us not leaving the hospital till about 2am. And the end result.... nothing wrong with him .
It really is a tough gig, and def agree that theres no great guides or info out there to prepare you for these types of thing.

 

[MrsC10]

I wasn't a fan of the newborn phase at all. Doing it all again soon with a toddler who will be 2.5 when this LO comes along.
I think I lived on coffee and cereal bars for the first 12 weeks and ate my dinner with one hand (OH chopped up my food for me ) so I could give my clingy baby the cuddles she wanted.
It doesn't last forever....but it feels like it will at the time!

 

[Koifish]

I am hoping this baby is like my boys were and end up being easy but I am not holding my breath. I didn’t have the experience most of you did other then waking every 3 hours for the first 3-4 months and I pumped so that hubby and I could shift. Now I am terrified and want to cry in the corner at the thought of two 2.5 year old toddlers and a newborn. I don’t think I’ll ever function if this baby is difficult. They really don’t tell you any of this!!

 

[Scout]

Oh, I hated the newborn phase. To this day, when I hear a newborn cry my skin crawls. It doesn't help when someone who hasn't had a newborn in decades keeps telling you that the newborn stage is the best bc all baby does is sleep! (my aunt!) My baby never slept, she didn't latch and her bilirubin was so high I had to top her off with formula and keep her in a light box 24/7 the first week home. I was also single so no one in the house to help me with anything. I don't know how women do it when they have a toddler to look after too. Thankfully, it does get better!

 

[Zephram]

Yep, having a newborn baby is a shit show that you cannot mentally or emotionally prepare for.

I was constantly overwhelmed as a FTM. Doesn’t matter how well you think you have prepared, you just do not have a clue what it feels like until you’re dropped right in it.

As for it not being known to FTMs how hard it really is, I don’t think it’s that it’s not talked about, it’s that you just cannot prepare for it as you have no prior experience to draw on and nothing to compare it to that you’ve been through before. You could tell a pregnant FTM all about it until you’re blue in the face, but until you actually experience it, it’s just academic, you don’t know how it’s going to affect you. It truly is a new life phase that you have to adjust to as it comes.

In my experience most first time mums are focused on how labour is going to go when they’re pregnant and less about what it’ll actually be like looking after a baby. It seems like labour is the big hurdle, when actually, no, raising the baby is actually the big hurdle. Personally I think antenatal classes are a waste of time as they also focus mostly on labour and very little on the way a newborn behaves - at least it my experience!

Also, it reeks of condescension to tell a pregnant FTM that they haven’t got a clue what’s coming, no matter how much they’ve babysat or how many books they’ve read. You can judge by the number of articles out there by pregnant FTMs saying ‘stop telling me how hard it is’. Don’t know about you, but I have read so many of these.