The Vodka and Watermelon Girls

[Viking15]

So, I know this isn't my journal but let's be honest who goes there anymore.

I just went thru my husband's phone. I don't really want to hear it that I shouldn't be doing it because we all know he's been a bit untrustworthy in the past. Well, I found some texts between him and some girls. And also between him and a friend that were also very upsetting. And damn it all if I just don't know what to do. I can't go back to sleep. I've been up since 4. I'm just so upset. I don't know if I should confront him about it or just leave it alone and check again later to see. I don't know I just don't know. What the hell are you supposed to do when shit like this happens. I found something back in November as well and he just denied denied. I don't get why he is unhappy with me, but I guess that's not really all that important. The important thing is he isn't. So can any one explain why he stays?
So how do I deal with this? He clearly is either cheating or is trying to. I don't know how to deal with divorce. It just seems like a huge PITA. I will lose all the money I worked so hard to get. And now we would have to share custody of C. Even more of a PITA. And I wouldn't be able to move away and make it easier on myself to get to and from work. Just a huge mess. Fuck. Why are men such fuckers?
Help.

 

[Butterfly67]

Oh no V, I'm so sorry. I think first thing (or maybe not) is to see if you can get a copy of the texts before he deletes them. Then if he denies and they are not there (and you need it) you have some proof.

I don't think it's any reflection on you at all. I think it is just that some men just need to know that they can get other women if they want to. Maybe they just don't want to think that once they are married that is it, even if they do love their wife. I guess the issue of confrontation depends on what you want to happen. If you can't put up with any more of this kind of behaviour then you are going to have to confront him. But yes, it will open a can of worms and you have to decide how far you want to take it. Like you say, divorce is messy and hard especially with a LO involved and especially with your job.

Massive xxx

 

[Indigo77]

1. Take pics of the texts & print them out on paper. Save them elsewhere, too.

2. Pack his bags when he's out of the house & place them outside on the front door. Attach the paper copies to the bags. Use garbage bags, not suitcases. Do not say a word. Cut him off.

3. Text him a schedule of when he may see C. Do not communicate with him beyond that for at least a week. Have someone else drop her off & pick her up, if possible.

4. Do not internalize this. You are totally lovable. He has betrayed you.

5. Take the week to figure out your next steps. Contact a divorce attorney & find a marriage counselor.

I'm so sorry!
You don't deserve this!
Do what's best for YOU!

The %£<+ will end up living in a studio apartment w visits every other weekend. I want you to be angry!

Even if you don't end up divorcing, he MUST know that there will be consequences for his actions.

I feel like coming down there & unleashing my wrath upon him.

You are beautiful & intelligent & capable.....DO NOT forget this!

 

[Indigo77]

FFS! The $&$$$/;!!!!!

 

[Bravemom]

O Viking I'm so so sorry I don't know how you are able to stay so calm and not confront him I would forward all the texts to yourself so you have them as evidence and then confront him . You are and always have been worth so much more than this . I know he is c's dad but you can't put up with this behaviour anymore . Would you forgive him and carry on or do you want him out of the house ?

 

[crystal443]

Oh Viking I'm so sorry I do agree with Indi on this one though, he needs to know there are consequences to his actions and maybe a taste of what life would be like without you and C in it is just what he needs.

I too want you to be angry about this, who the Feck cares why he's not happy!!! Why is this about him and how he feels, this is about you and your daughter and that he's betrayed you, whether he has actually cheated or not doesn't matter,its still betrayal and there is no excuse big enough for that. Stop thinking about him and think about yourself and that gorgeous little girl you have, you both deserve so so much better!!

I'm not telling you to leave your husband but he needs a reality check, the more times he does this and you do nothing the more brazen he will get. Kicking him out for a week, will show him you don't put up with that crap

Big hugs to you Viking!! This must be so difficult

 

[Viking15]

Honestly I think I am just done with him. I'm sick of trying to make this work. I feel like I'm the only one that makes the effort. I just don't know how to proceed. I am pretty sure I just want to get divorced and finally move forward with my life. It's just disappointing because I thought we were finally headed to a better place. But we are not. Nothing has changed. I feel bad for C. really bad. I didn't want to raise her in a broken home but I don't want a marriage like this anymore. He's just so selfish and lazy. He knew something was up this morning because he got a super cold shoulder from me. He asked why i had a roughly translated "pouty" face this morning and i just said i was unhappy with some things. I didn't elaborate and he didn't ask. I didn't even say goodbye to him when I left. I told C that I loved her bunches and I would miss her so much and turned and walked out the door. He had to ask about the babysitter tomorrow, but the phone conversation was very awkward. He just hung up on me after finding out what he needed. Didn't say goodbye or anything.
Sigh.
I guess we all could see the writing on the wall huh? Where do all the nice guys end up? I'm so disillusioned. I mean really he must think I'm so dumb. I don't want him to stay. I want him to go. It is going to be awkward going for me. I need y'all's support if you have it to spare. I am not really going to tell many friends for a while. I broke down and told my BFF about it. I may tell someone else but that's it for now. So I am sorry for posting about it here, but I need to get it off my chest and some advice and support. You ladies have always been good to me. Thanks for that

 

[Indigo77]

Post away & we will support you every step of the way.

Sending

 

[LLbean]

don't do anything yet...let me research something because maybe if you move to GA first then nothing he can do. Meanwhile do get copies of everything you can...texts, voicemails etc... do NOT forward them to yourself because he will see that. But do snap pictures or something. If you can get into his emails and check there as well I would print out everything.

Let me ask and I will text you what I find out

Hang in there!!! XOXO

 

[dachsundmom]

I've only caught the last few posts, but V...

Just my opinion, but I know for me, raising S as a single mom was the best decision I ever made. My parents stayed married much longer than they should have, for me. I love them for trying, but it was a lot of pressure on me as I got older. My biggest regret is knowing my mom didn't give herself a chance at happiness, bc she thought a two-parent household was the be all, end all.

I was disappointed in myself; I had this vision of what I wanted for S and it just wasn't going to happen. Turns out it just wasn't going to happen with her father...we did more than fine on our own. In time, you will as well.

 

[Viking15]

I took screen shots of everything and iMessaged to myself then went back and deleted the pics and the messages to me. I'm pretty sure I did it right so he won't be able to tell I did it. However if he does know I did it then who the fuck cares at this point.
Thanks for looking into it Liz, but I don't think it will matter if I move first or not. I will still need my parents' support to care for C when I'm gone unfortunately they will be dying in the house they are in now never moving again. I would love to move back to the Atlanta area so I could be home every night and still keep the job that I have built so much seniority. The commute sucks. And it's just more time away from her. Perhaps I really do need to reconsider some choices regarding my career too, but I don't want to.

 

[Indigo77]

Let us know what you need & how we can help.

 

[crystal443]

Things will fall into place I think being a single happy mummy is way way better then being an unhappy married mummy. My parents stayed together for us and it was not pretty sometimes, they separated right after I moved out. It made no sense to me that they stayed together Not sure how it is in the US but here C's current lifestyle would have to stay the same after the separation. Does that apply where you are?

If there is anything I can do please let me know

 

[LLbean]

I left my first husband BECAUSE of my daughter. I refused to have her grow up thinking that THAT was the way a woman should be treated. Best decision ever!

OK I talked to my husband and he says he can find out but suggests you talk to an attorney in FL as the laws are different and even if you did move before it may be seen as you doing it to chose a state that would have more favorable laws for you.

Could you "gift" your parents some money now? That is one way of doing it too.

Honestly if you moved to GA you would find people to help you with C. IF that is the career you love and have poured your heart and soul into it may be the way to go. But talk to an attorney there to see what you can and can not do.

 

[Bravemom]

We are all here for you v . Every minute of every day . Love you lots

 

[Conina]

^WSS. I'm sorry you're going through this, but we love you and you don't deserve this. Massive

 

[dachsundmom]

V, whatever you need!

Conina!

 

[Conina]

V, whatever you need!

Conina!

Thanks Brooke, just not getting too excited yet...

 

[Butterfly67]

Definitely here for you V whatever you decide to do

 

[Milty]

Oh wow I've been gone a bit

C - congrats I pray this is your Rainbow

V - you said earlier you didn't know why he stayed. I know why. It's because there is nothing wrong with you. He has the problem and knows it. So he stays as long as you let him. We are here for you. I say move and get a nanny.

AFM - in my time away I've discovered something's. This has come about with lots of contemplation and observation of my pg sisters and their DH's. I think it's time my DH and I move on. He is really to old to become a new father. Some guys his age I'm sure would be fine but he does not take care if himself the way he should. I may be young enough (which I truely think I am) but he is a big part of this equation. So I have stopped TTC. I really kinda stopped last month but have just slowly stopped doing things each day. For example I quit taking supplements.. Then a few days later I quit drinking my tea. Anyway I feel at peace with this decision. I will say I'm not going to prevent for a few months but will get on BC again soon. These last few months before DH turns 46 if something happens then great but after that I think I'm going to get an IUD.

Any advice on BC...I haven't had in since the early 90's