Trying To Conceive #1 Only Vent Thread

[ItsMyTyme]

Limm I'm right there with you! This morning I woke up to AF at 4 days late. I am never late and I was so hopeful that my time had finally come. My dreams feel like they keep crumbling and it hurts that its an every month thing. Ive tried to hold myself together all day and have had little breakdowns but I have a feeling that tonight when I lay down and the hubby curls up to me ill probably lose it. See he likes to spoon haha but always lies his hand on my stomach and i keep thinking that deep down its because he too wants our dreams to come true but I can barely hold myself together anymore. Why does this have to be so hard I just cant seem to wrap my head around the fact that it has been almost 7 years with no hope. We are a normal happy healthy couple that just cant seem to conceive and I feel like its all my fault.

 

[mariemongrain]

My husband and I have been together for eight and a half years and we started trying last summer when I was done university (I am 27). My sister had her 3 children right away (even, her last, she conceived a week or two before starting to plan with her boyfriend). She is so fertile, why am I not? She just had her third child 2 weeks ago, and I was so happy for her, but jealous at the same time. On Facebook, I was sharing my joy of being an aunt and people were asking me when my turn was. I didn't tell them I had been trying for close to 6 months, but I think I should next time just to shut them up. I was just saying it will happen when time comes. I am the oldest in my family and I think that after close to 9 years of being with my husband, it should be my turn.

I also have lots of friends on Facebook who either just got their baby (in the past month) or will have their baby (in the next month), and another group who just got pregnant. I also am tired of being happy for everybody else.

And, it is so tiring to have sex every day of the fertile week, that it takes the romance out of it, it is a chore to have sex at that point, and I am sad about that. I want to have sex because I want to, not because I have to (here I am the one who forces myself to have sex everyday (or once every two days) to be pregnant (fertile window only, not all month long). My husband does not force me, just so it's clear).

So I thought that the contraceptive pills were suppose to leave your body completely after 3 months, but a friend of mine told me it could take up to a year, depending of how long you took it. I took mine since I was 12, so a straight 15 years without stopping. I just changed brand, going from Diane 35, Tricyclen low, and until last year Yasmin 21. I really hope that stupid pill is out of my body very soon!! How do I miss my period without massive cramps that make me want to puke for 2 hours. How do I miss my regular 29-day cycle. How do I miss not having sore boobs during my PMS. I still have one package of pills left in my pharmacy and often I keep on thinking that I should just take them again and skip a few during ovulation time. It seems that all those younger kids become pregnant after missing only 1 pill, or while on antibiotics. So, I'm thinking this maybe IT: skipped contraceptive pills make it easier to become pregnant!

We just got a dog 2 weeks ago, and I hope this opportunity didn,t appear at this point in time in my life to replace children, because if I have to choose between being pregnant or having a dog, I choose pregnancy right away.

That's about all I have to say right now! I'll definitively come back next month or next time someone says stupid stuff to me.

 

[mariemongrain]

Oh yeah! Another thing that makes me let's say mad (because I don't know how it to describe the feeling) is for when for example, someone posts a questions online like Describe the Symptoms You Had in Early Pregnancy, and a whole bunch of people post their symptoms and finish with, I Need Help, Am I pregnant? Come one ladies! That person asked for women who are#were already pregnant to write their symptoms, it is not a forum to analyze your stupid symptoms. So when I research if my symptoms indicate early pregnancy, I don't want to waste my time reading your question on the wrong forum.

Talking about wrong forum, if the forum ask, for example, TTC Since July 2012 (6 months) Anyone Else?, please don't come and post that you have been TTCing for 23 months or 10 years. Not that we don't care but we know other people have been waiting longer than we have but COME ON! You come on that forum and make us feel like we shouldn't be complaining because it has only been 6 months and you 10 years. We are entitled to complain as well and look for people who are in the same boat. If you really want, start a forum that says TTC for XX months, anyone else? That way, you will have people who understand you more and we won't feel like crap after reading your comment.

 

[wellsk]

Mariemongrain, I'm sorry that you're feeling some of these thoughts. You must be in a very difficult place. But please do not wish such awful things upon yourself, you are wishing for terrible emotional pain and physical pain too! You might think that it proves you can get pregnant, but it might still mean there's an issue.

Plus, I'm pretty sure you're not meant to vent on here about the other people in this forum? I can't remember if that's right or not (might be worth checking the rules?).

I'm sorry that you feel this way and I hope you get your BFP soon.

 

[Jett55]

My fiance and I have been together 8months and have had a lot of unprotected sex at first I didn't care whether or not I got pregnant but here in the past 2 months its really starting to bother me thats nothing's happened yet. My period came this month and I've been depressed about it. My fiance keeps telling me to get over it but every time we think I actually might be I just get disappointed time after time I'm sick of getting told everything's fine and to be happy not to mention all these girls getting prego right away is getting irritating I don't know what to do I keep feeling like I might never become a mom

 

[tamithomas]

Hi, I haven't been ttc as long as you (5 cycles) but I am still as devastated as most of you. Today, I caught myself wishing for a miscarriage instead of my periods. I am sorry for all the ladies who actually lived that, but for me, a miscarriage would at least confirm that something can happen.

I would like to crush that myth once and for all. M/C is not proof that something can happen, it is a different form of infertility. Technically something happens but some women go on to have 6 m/c without ever having a baby therefore it is still indeed infertility. I would give anything to not have gone through the M/C. It gives you false hope that you had finally succeeded after all of that time only to have it taken away. I would not wish a m/c on my worst enemy.

But I can not condemn you for those thoughts as before I had mine I had the same ideas and this is a venting thread therefore I have full respect for your opinion

 

[tamithomas]

Dear me: Stop having returning anorexic tendencies!!!!!! Remember, it's either go back to your old ways and forget about being fertile or stay on the recovered path and have a chance. Feels like my good and evil conscious having a fight with each other atm and it's driving me nuts! Luckily it only comes in waves now so it won't be long before I find myself comfortable again. Just gotta keep reminding myself that one day I will have a LO and that LO depends on a healthy mama.

 

[wellsk]

Tamithomas, I know exactly where you're coming from. The stress of it all really gets to me, I hate the fact that I cannot control my fertility. But I can stop myself eating to make myself feel better and think about something other than the fear of being infertile.

I've been good the past few year and have been in recovery. I still believe I am, but sometimes you slip into old habits and it's difficult to get back out of them. I agree that we must stay healthy for our future babies.

 

[tamithomas]

Tamithomas, I know exactly where you're coming from. The stress of it all really gets to me, I hate the fact that I cannot control my fertility. But I can stop myself eating to make myself feel better and think about something other than the fear of being infertile.

I've been good the past few year and have been in recovery. I still believe I am, but sometimes you slip into old habits and it's difficult to get back out of them. I agree that we must stay healthy for our future babies.

Same here, I have been "recovered" for 4 years after being ill for a good 3 years. I have had slip ups, but for the most part I have been good. I hate it when that old voice comes creeping back in. So hard to shut it up. That's another disorder that is very very misunderstood aside from infertility. It is but isn't good to hear that I'm not the only one that deals with both I'm pretty convinced my 3 years of demise is what's made my fertility not so great.

 

[wellsk]

I really hope that it's not the case for you and you get your BFP. I don't think you can help but wonder if your past problems have caused what's happening now. I regularly blame myself and wonder if I'd never been ill if I'd have my LO by now.

I agree, it is comforting but isn't nice to here that someone else has experienced the same thing or feels the same way... Although no one deserves what has happened to us

 

[tamithomas]

I really hope that it's not the case for you and you get your BFP. I don't think you can help but wonder if your past problems have caused what's happening now. I regularly blame myself and wonder if I'd never been ill if I'd have my LO by now.

I agree, it is comforting but isn't nice to here that someone else has experienced the same thing or feels the same way... Although no one deserves what has happened to us

Ditto to all of it. Although I've heard of many stories where women got bfp even during their peak of their anorexia Nicole Richie for example. Hopefully we will both get our(not to sound like a baby is just an object because it's not it's the most wonderful thing in life is to be a mother) prize for recovering soon enough.

 

[awifey]

Good luck to all of you who have batteled Ed. My former roommate was sever, even chose to finally go on the dr. Phil show to get treatment, after getting a handle on Ed, she met her guy and now has a Georgous little girl. I started to copy her tendencies living with her, it is a tough road. Applause to all who have beaten it.

What I'm controlling since I'm TTC and it hasn't happened yet is other things I intake. I am refusing smoking, drinking alcohol, caffeine, sodas, and artificial sweetener. I have given up each of these individually, or some together before, never all at once.

Good luck to us all in this journey!

 

[tamithomas]

My habits/disorder too started off from a close friend of mine. It started by her introducing me to daily cardio, then she'd correct everything I'd be eating. And then it just went downhill from there. I don't blame her one bit as she was just trying to help me be healthy and make healthy choices, it's my brain that started to go out of control where i'd end up with anxiety attacks by just seeing 0.1g of trans fat on a package. Even worse if I'd actually eat it which I would have to a few times when my mom would make supper as I tried to hide it as all do so I'd eat her supper. I would usually chose staying home alone instead of going out with friends, it got me really really isolated.

It's thanks to my husband who pulled me out of it and made me get help as he's the first one to officially notice something seriously wrong and actually speak up about it. People usually would do the "Don't lose any more weight, it's not healthy" and that's it. Since he's a chef he can spot eating habits from a mile away and saw something seriously wrong from the start.

But, in the end I hope everyone no matter what their back story is ends up with a LO

 

[mariemongrain]

Thanks! I just want to ensure everyone that I don't wish that on a regular basis. Yesterday I needed to vent and that is how I felt. So after the comment I read from someone, I have the feeling I need to apologize to all women who had miscarriage, even though this is really how I felt yesterday. I really thought it was a safe place to share how I felt, even if it was the worst feeling ever, without being judged. Unfortunately, I do feel judge, so I will take my comments somewhere else. Thanks for the positive thoughts and I wish you all lots of fertility.

As for the the comment about forum, I am not only talking about this forum. There are so many other forums on TTC outside this website and it is all the same. I was complaining in general on all forum, not about a specific person, member or group. I believe this is fine from my interpretation of the rules.

 

[Amelia8083]

Dear me: Stop having returning anorexic tendencies!!!!!! Remember, it's either go back to your old ways and forget about being fertile or stay on the recovered path and have a chance. Feels like my good and evil conscious having a fight with each other atm and it's driving me nuts! Luckily it only comes in waves now so it won't be long before I find myself comfortable again. Just gotta keep reminding myself that one day I will have a LO and that LO depends on a healthy mama.

I know exactly how you feel. Before I started ttc I was 102 lbs, I am a vegetarian sometimes vegan and have a tendency to be a tad extreme with my diet.... its all or nothing. I don't want to say it was anorexia but I may have been traveling in that direction. I have gained 20 lbs trying to eat "right" so that I may get pregnant but the longer it takes me to get pregnant the more I have this inner struggle with myself. I have started exercising more and really fighting to make myself have a real meal.... Anyway, I do understand what you mean.

 

[Jett55]

Soo sick that every time I get on Facebook someone else I know is pregnant and it always happens after I make up my mind to be happy and try again but it makes me depressed all over again I wish that for once I could be the one with a bfp my fiance keeps telling me to get over it and that's not helping at all every time we think I might actually be aunt flo shows up and its really starting to get on my nerves espec. since all these ppl keep telling me that I don't want 1 and blah blah soo fed up and determined to get a bfp next cycle

 

[wellsk]

It happened during my mid-teens. Mine started at school and from an now ex-boyfriend saying that I was fat (around 130lb and 5ft 5) I had a lot of other problems going on, I had really low self esteem and so I started losing weight. Then it became an obsession about not eating more than a certain amount of calories or attempting to fast for as long as possible. If I was upset it was away of escaping a situation as it was all I could think about.

Even now there's still a good part of your brain which tells you to eat, and it constanty argues with the other side saying 'no, you don't deserve this food'.

It made me into a secretive, lying and generally not nice person who pushed everyone away, although I think it's quite normal for most people to become like that. I now volunteer with young girls and want to try and help their confidence so they don't end up suffering like I did.

I had some help but they were pretty useless, it was actually a health lecturer at college who really helped me see what I was doing and a way to get out of it. I also got with my husband around that time (he was also a chef then! How funny!) and he always told me that he'd never stick around to watch me destroy myself. That has always been a good motivation to stay on top of it. Unfortunately I also have stomach problems now from my past history, so eating can actually be an issue, which is very hard to get people to understand.

Although sometimes it's very hard to stop when you're feeling down, you just don't feel like eating and then it's something you feel proud of and want to continue. Not forgetting the fact that infertility is so out of your control that you just want to be able to control your body in some way...


Amelia, I know what you mean, I'm also very much an 'all or nothing' person.

Hopefully we'll get our babies soon and they'll grow up feeling body confident and knowing the right way to eat.

 

[Limm]

I seem to be on the opposite scale of you guys. I've done nothing but put on weight since school. It calmed down whilst I was at college (mainly because I was doing performing arts and it was very active) but since then I've gone up an extra 3-4 stone. Most likely due to my bad habit of not feeling hungry all day and then starving by the evening, so I end up eating late.

I talked to my husband about getting back into performing arts so I could work towards becoming a drama teacher in the future, but since we are TTC, it would be bad timing to look at universities right now. I know that sounds pretty backwards to some, but my logic is that it will become more difficult to conceive the longer I leave it and I will no doubt be able to accomplish what I want in life by being determined enough.

Obviously I don't know what it's like on your sides of things, but I hope you girls keep your chins up and carry on with the hard work you've put in. And I also wish you guys your two lines asap!

And now for my rant...

Dear AF, If you're going to show up, then show up already and stop giving me false hope!!

 

[tamithomas]

Thanks! I just want to ensure everyone that I don't wish that on a regular basis. Yesterday I needed to vent and that is how I felt. So after the comment I read from someone, I have the feeling I need to apologize to all women who had miscarriage, even though this is really how I felt yesterday. I really thought it was a safe place to share how I felt, even if it was the worst feeling ever, without being judged. Unfortunately, I do feel judge, so I will take my comments somewhere else. Thanks for the positive thoughts and I wish you all lots of fertility.

As for the the comment about forum, I am not only talking about this forum. There are so many other forums on TTC outside this website and it is all the same. I was complaining in general on all forum, not about a specific person, member or group. I believe this is fine from my interpretation of the rules.

I apologize, or at least my behalf if you felt judged. That was not my intention at all. I respect that everyone is allowed to feel how they want to feel. Heck, I was guilty of wishing the same before I lived it. I didn't mean it in a "you're not allowed to feel the way you feel" kind of way, it's just something that gets to people who have actually lived them and I shouldn't take it personally as it's understandble for someone to see it that way when they've never been there just like what all of us face on the outside world with fertiles talking about infertility yet not knowing about it. I do sincerely apologize

 

[tamithomas]

My rant of the day: The Simpsons, you lost any respect I ever had for the show. I know it's a cartoon but pulling the "childless are kidnappers" stunt really ticked me off. With Criminal Minds that has already done 4 episodes on this and now you guys?

Not because of the show but because there are people out there who actually think this way. I know it's a cartoon and I shouldn't take it so personally but I can't help it. We all have faced this bs before and to see a show trying to confirm it erks me beyond belief!