Trying, waiting, hoping

Discussion in 'Trying To Conceive #1' started by DuckyBlue, Feb 6, 2020.

  1. DuckyBlue

    DuckyBlue Well-Known Member

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    Thank you!
    D and I have ways wanted to adopt. I remember a conversation we had when we were 15 and we were both saying that we'd love to adopt one day, even if we had biological children. There's two main reasons I feel we need everyone in the family on board with the decision to adopt though - the first is because if we also had biological children it wouldn't be fair if an adopted child was then treated differently, or worse rejected, by family members in favour of any biological children. The second is really more to do with social services. I'm almost certain social services would not approve us to adopt if one of our parents were against it and unable to accept that child, unless we no longer have contact with them at all. As part of the assessment that social services do they speak to family members and anyone who would be in regular contact with the child so if his mother is so against adoption it could actually mean we might not be allowed to adopt! It's certainly something we'd need to speak to social services about. D has said he'd more than happily cut his mother out of his life - our lives - but I don't think he should have to do that at all!
    My parents and D's Dad are supportive of adoption which is great! I worry if D cuts his mother out of our lives then we'd be cut out of a lot of things that involve the family - nieces and nephew's birthdays, Christmas etc when the entire family usually get together. I don't want D to have to lose other members of his family too, our nieces and nephews wouldn't understand why they can see Gramma but our children can't, and I'dhate to lose our nieces and nephews.
    You know what I find odd though is why D's mother is so concerned about genetics! She has said multiple times that an adopted child wouldn't be D's child. Of course they would, but she said genetically they wouldn't be. But why should that even matter??
    Her comments are always so hurtful. She has multiple grandchildren anyway, as D is one of 8 children! Yet she keeps saying it's "important" we give her grandchildren "as soon as possible" ... I honestly do not understand what goes through her head sometimes!
     
  2. Bevziibubble

    Bevziibubble Well-Known Member
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    Wow. I can't believe how rude his mum is. She has such disrespect to you :( I'm so sorry you had to endure that :hugs:
     
  3. kittiecat

    kittiecat Mum to Noah

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    I honestly think you’re so admirable not wanting him to cut his mother out despite what she’s said to him about leaving you. You’re amazing. Completely get the dilemma re social services etc. Didn’t even think of that angle. I really hope her attitude doesn’t get in the way of you guys being able to adopt, especially if it’s something you’ve known you wanted to do for so long!
     
  4. DuckyBlue

    DuckyBlue Well-Known Member

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    I'm honestly wondering if the drama with D's mum is more due to the fact that we're a mixed race couple. I know that sounds ridiculous but none of her other grandchildren are mixed race. I've not said that to her and she's never said anything (to me anyway) that would make me think this but D and I are the only ones she singles out and other than not having any children, it's the only thing that makes us different to the rest of the family ...
     
  5. DuckyBlue

    DuckyBlue Well-Known Member

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    Yeah she can be very rude and disrespectful. D and I don'thave as much contactwith her these days as we used to, and we usually only see her at a family gathering. This is mostly D's choice - he doesn'tlike the way she speaks to me - and whilst I want to respect his wishes, she is still his mum!

    Thank you! I don't like there being issues within the family but she is his mum and the only mum D has! I would hate to have cut out a family member and don't want D to resent me if he chose to cut his mother off completely ...
     
  6. Bevziibubble

    Bevziibubble Well-Known Member
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    It sounds like you have a lot of patience! :hugs:
     
  7. kittiecat

    kittiecat Mum to Noah

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    Yep Bev is right. You definitely have more patience than me and sound a saint!
     
  8. DuckyBlue

    DuckyBlue Well-Known Member

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    Thank you both! I like to keep the peace really which is probably why I have so much patience! I hate arguments and confrontation!
     
  9. kittiecat

    kittiecat Mum to Noah

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    Tbh I’m the same. I think a lot of stuff but then end up heavily biting my tongue a lot. Though on the odd occasion it gets too much and comes tumbling out in a mess. So I try to avoid that :lol:
     
  10. DuckyBlue

    DuckyBlue Well-Known Member

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    Same! Though I usually end up so emotional that I can't express what I want to say! I tend to internalise things until I just break down in tears :(
     
  11. kittiecat

    kittiecat Mum to Noah

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    Ditto. I’m an emotional arguer. Really difficult when you want to be taken seriously! :dohh:
     
  12. Bevziibubble

    Bevziibubble Well-Known Member
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    I'm the same!
     
    kittiecat likes this.
  13. DuckyBlue

    DuckyBlue Well-Known Member

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    Cycle day 29 today. No symptoms of anything unlike last month!
    I've been charting BBT this month and it dropped quite a lot yesterday and was around the same again today so am guessing my period will arrive soon :(
     
  14. Bevziibubble

    Bevziibubble Well-Known Member
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  15. kittiecat

    kittiecat Mum to Noah

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  16. DuckyBlue

    DuckyBlue Well-Known Member

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    Period arrived today :(
     
  17. Bevziibubble

    Bevziibubble Well-Known Member
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  18. DuckyBlue

    DuckyBlue Well-Known Member

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    In a way I'm kind of glad I'm not pregnant yet. I wouldn't want to have to go to a scan alone, without D by my side to share that with me. But I'm also sad that I'm not pregnant yet. :(
    D has decided to cut his mother out of our lives until she (in his words) "grows up". I'm sad that it's come to this but I couldn't possibly bring a baby into our family (either naturally or through adoption) with her having such a toxic attitude towards us. It's caused some issues with D's siblings too, but mostly they're supportive!
    D and I had planned to get away for a few days but with the current restrictions in place I'm not sure this is going to be possible. So maybe we'll have a cosy weekend at home, just us.
    D and I are also discussing getting a dog! We're going to wait until the rescue centres are open again before looking into getting one, but it's something we're considering.
    D is also asking to start carving pumpkins already! It's only the 1st October :rofl: He's such a big kid! He's very competitive when it comes to pumpkin carving so no doubt he's had his ideas planned since June!
     
  19. Bevziibubble

    Bevziibubble Well-Known Member
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    That sounds like a good plan until his mum is kinder to you both.

    That's exciting you might be getting a dog!
     
  20. kittiecat

    kittiecat Mum to Noah

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    So sorry about AF arriving :hugs:. Know what you mean about scans. If our FET works but DH can’t come to scans it’s going to feel so strange and sad. And I know he’ll be gutted though he won’t let on. Hoping by that point things may ease up a little regarding that.

    Sounds like D has made a wise decision regarding his mother. You don’t need that toxicity in your lives and she shouldn’t be able to get away with saying the things she does. Hoping she comes around and changes her behaviour.

    Aw so exciting about maybe getting a dog! I’d love to get one one day (or a cat) and would want to get a rescue too. Hope you get to do so soon!

    Haha I’m with your OH! Love this time of year and I get so excited :happydance:
     

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