TTC #1 Hopeful and Obsessed! lol

[StarGazerRose]

I'm lurking around here and there ... I peak in every so often to see if there is something worth saying hahaha. (Archer and puma were talking for days, and I didn't follow it all too well)

No worries, don't be hard on yourself, Z. I see it as we are all in the same boat, some got a little closer than others, but it's apart of the game now...

I've been trying to find out what's going on with my cycle for most of these 5 years, but trying to get the doctors to see what you think is wrong is the hardest part.
I'm on day 3 of my Letrozol 5mg. Just had a super short weird period, but I'm hoping it doesn't matter much, and I'm hoping that this is the one!
(It's kinda perfect timing too -- as the world goes -- I'm applying for a new job, and have a shot at getting it, so wouldn't it be perfect for a bunch of new beginnings all at once?)

I hate that infertility isn't covered by hardly any of the US's insurance companies ... I mean it's not a pre-existing thing ... you don't know you can't have kids for almost over a year (when it seems they diagnose most) So if you actually have to go through a procedure, it literally costs an arm and a leg to do it, and then you have to pay for all the other medical things during and after the pregnancy...
I think that all of the things that women battle with internally are overlooked -- the age old questions about men wanting to know what women want. it's really not that hard to figure out! We want people to see us as equals, and our problems are just as important as the next persons! (that should sum it up rather nicely)
(not trying to start a debate--- i hate debates -- just making a point)

 

[BelleNuit]

Star you're right. Women's issues (hate that phrase) are often under valued and under funded. Sexism at its best.

 

[StarGazerRose]

My manager is from Czech and he said that they flew there to get their IVF (since medical care is free there), and back to the states for other procedures, and their child still cost them over 14k before being born.
I'm sorry the general population doesn't make much...That's half of what I make, and my income barely covers my bills... hubby's money is for recreation (and we still try not to use it)

My emotions are a wreck. Looking into a new job, and seriously needing a break from work, new pills ... I'm in utter limbo waiting for a reply for this job ...
I really hope that all this doesn't screw me up this cycle, and I don't know what I want more right now, this new job or the baby stuff to work out. (Personally think it would work out either way, but it's just stressful)

 

[OhHappyZ]

Happy: Hooray!!!!! You're back. You've been missed. I felt the same way as you from cycle 5 onwards. Ita tough! I know you said you used to be extremely anorexic. Not sure if you still are but make sure you're getting enough water, sunlight, and nutrition! It'll be your turn any day now, I'm sure!

Oh, god no, I'm nice and plump right now lol. I gained 12 lbs after the wedding, because I haven't been exercising at all and I've been enjoying all of the treats I limited from myself before the wedding. And with moving out of our house (not sure if I told you guys, but we are building a house in AZ and we moved out of our rented home and in with the MIL to save extra money until the house is built), and all that, I've been far too busy to exercise and I packed up the kitchen so we were eating out every night. It's just been a mess haha. I will never be that pro-ana girl ever again. She didn't love herself, and she was never good enough, and when I look back, I was so skinny and nitpicked at everything, when I should have just been enjoying myself and my youth.

But this month I'm really focusing on eating more fruits and veggies, and drinking plenty of water and getting back into my exercise routine. It's nice because my MIL's house is right next to a river trail, so I can bike or run whenever, and it's super enjoyable. The only tough part about living there is that TTC is going to be tough, the walls are very thin.

 

[BelleNuit]

My friends baby was born today. They started trying AFTER us and got pregnant immediately I had thought I would at least be pregnant by the time her boy was born. Instead here I am having fertility testing and pursuing fertility acupuncture. I can't believe my 12th cycle will be coming to an end in a couple days. I am having NO symptoms. Not under any delusions that I'm pregnant this time. I've had a few too many TWWs by now to get excited about it anymore

 

[BelleNuit]

Z it sounds like things are going really well in your life!! It must be so exciting to get to build your own house!!!

 

[StarGazerRose]

I would LOVE to build our house. We're debating floor plans, DH wants something he made, and I'm happy arranging a found plan to work for us...our ideas aren't panning out.
But things are too far in the distant right now to know what we can afford right now, so we're just looking and debating. We have many bills we need to pay off, have to fix up our house we have right now to make it sell-able again (we're lazy people so we have a ton of things to fix)

my SIL was pregnant twice now (first poor thing didn't make it because of preeclampsia) but now has an adorable boy...
And i'm here with an empty uterus and ovaries that look like raspberries...

 

[greenarcher]

Star - Congrats on looking for a new job! Limbo is the worst, whether its in TTC or not. Have you had an interview yet? Good on you for pushing through these 5 years, try to remember, new pills mean new possibilities. Maybe this will be the one that works for you!

Belle - Hang in there, love. You'll get yours! There is so much involved in making a baby, it's a miracle that anyone gets pregnant ever. You deserve to be a mom, and so help me, you will be. You'll just be ever more grateful for your child. Have you done any infertility questionaire for you and your OH? Maybe there's something you're not thinking of (for me it was hot baths! DOH!)

Happy - Good on you, girl! Ana gives you control, but takes away everything else. You deserve to splurge after the wedding, but good to hear you're getting back on course. You are gorgeous (like seriously). Good luck with the quiet BD! I've found the floor is quite noiseless.

Puma - you Oing yet, girlie? Are you doing OPKs this month?

AFM, husband had job interview yesterday, we should hear something next week. If he gets it, I'm likely to quit my job. Times they are a-changing'.

 

[BelleNuit]

Star I'm sorry you've had to deal with infertility for so long. Every cycle is more devastating than the last and I feel SO SO SO angry. I read a study that said the rates and severity of depression that women with infertility experience is similar to people who are diagnosed with cancer. And yet we are supposed to keep quiet. We are supposed to be ashamed. We are supposed to fork out tens of thousands of dollars for treatment that should be covered by insurance or healthcare.... "or just adopt!" GARBAGE. All of it.

I started spotting this morning. It was light, but it was there. Fully prepared for AF to arrive on Monday, but that doesn't make it any less devastating. Going to start cycle 13 off right, will be seeing an acupuncturist who specializes in infertility.

Green, I really hope your DH gets the job, it would be amazing to take a step back from work for a little while and focus on other things.

Puma, I second Green's questions, will you be using OPKs? So glad that your DH caved and agreed to keep trying!!

I dont know how to keep doing this anymore.

 

[StarGazerRose]

I've had the interview already. I'm just waiting out the agonizing wait of hearing from them again. Assuming they really were hiring by the date they mentioned, I have 1 more week before I should start to panic...then get back to my current work (cause i've been a slack-a** while waiting on a reply)

It's annoying not knowing about your cycle, the first few years I just wanted a period... couldn't figure out what was going on, I took provera, worked wonders but then nothing -- bone dry til the next year. I researched many things about "getting pregnant without a period" ...and nothing was helpful.
Finally I started taking pills a couple years ago (been through clomid, metformin, back on clomid, and letrozol now)
I can understand how people can become depressed, it's tough, really tough. And it's so easy, in my case, to just stop taking everything and get back to doing everything else. I took 6 months off of everything cause i got sick, then it was the holidays, then it was another holiday, and another, and then i'm like my yearly is coming up...I should get back at this ....

I was getting mad at my family the other day cause my cousin's wife (who has 1 kid and another on the way) was asking me when we'll have one (as i'm the only one without a kid) And I told them I have my fur baby, and that's enough right now... and they come back with the freaking annoying "that's not even close"--"Try a 3am screaming child." And added "All you have to do is let you dog outside and back in again and it's done" ...and I didn't want to make a fuss at a family gathering, but I really wanted to say "try one at your feet whimpering for 3 hours because they want to go outside at 2, 3, 4 am just to bark, and bark, and bark --- see it's just the same". She's on my last nerve with the whole baby thing (kinda glad they don't attend a lot of our gatherings) She pissed me off before about a statement I made about being "lucky" she got to have her preeclampsia baby, because my sil didn't get to keep hers, and she barked my head off with the whole "it was GOD"...and i'm like get off your high horse and shut up.

 

[greenarcher]

Ugh Star, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Sometimes I wonder how someone can be so completely socially oblivious. Try to remember it's just ignorance and not intentionally hurtful. When people ask me, I just say "we're working on it," give a big grin and a wink, and they usually drop it. However, if you don't want people to know you're trying, then that's not an option for you. But it kind of sounds like you're hiding the fact that you want kids at all. Don't do that, because then things like that will happen, people will tell you things you already know. Just say "one day," and really, what can they come back and say? What are you waiting for? You're not getting any younger? Just give some vague answer and hope they get the hint.

Congrats on getting through the interview! I really hope you get the job. What do you do? How long ago was the interview?

Finally, no period at all??? For years???? Did the clomid help your cycles get regular? What kind of testing have you had done? Sorry, I'm being nosy, and feel free to tell me you'd rather not discuss it. I'm just curious and love learning new things.

Belle - Mother f*cker! That sucks so hard that you've started spotting! Small chance it could be IB (6DPO-12DPO), but based on your past cycles, you're wise not to get your hopes up. I would do the same. I hope you're wrong. I hope 12 is your lucky number, lovely.

You know how you keep doing this? Because you'd do anything for your future child. Because you take it day by day. Because you have to. And you know what? Some days you don't do it. Some days are so bad that you just have to be miserable and cry. Then the next day is better, and you face that day, have sex, try again.

huge hugs. You're not in this alone.

 

[StarGazerRose]

Yeah, I know people are just ignorant especially if they aren't going through it. I normally don't let it get to me. It was just a crazy past couple of weeks, she's just lucky that she wasn't related to me (only through marriage) or I would have put her in her place, I don't take crap from blood realities...
Nah people know I'm trying, it's just I'm backing down from telling people tons of stuff cause I don't want to blurt it out the moment i find out. The down side of supplements (or well anything early on) is that it's also a risk of MC, like so many here have experienced. I don't want people at work to feel "sorry" for me...i gotta see them day after day and I just don't know if I can handle getting looks.

My interview was on the 2nd. I sent a "thank you" email on tuesday, since monday was a holiday, I wanted to get my name back in their heads after a 3 day weekend. The lady replied two days ago. They wanted to hire by the end of sept. I'm getting real antsy!
Well currently my job is a "web content" something-or-another superficial title. Mainly i'm data entry, who gets to occasionally work on stuff for the website.
The job i'm applying for was originally very similar, with less data-entry, and they added on graphic design (my degree). So i'm eager to see if this pans out.

No worries, I like learning things too I find it utterly amazing how each person has so many different reactions and experience through the same procedures.

Only being on BC seems to "regulate" my cycles. Clomid and Letrozol are just to stimulate my ovaries to develop a mature follicle, so far with no luck :/

I haven't had any major tests. Mostly a lot of blood work and a few ultrasounds (internal ones)
I do remember one of my ultrasounds the nurse said my uterus looked great, and I got to see my ovaries. If they weren't so expensive I would do them each time (over 300 a pop not covered by insurance)

I'm thinking that I'll have to eventually have to do IVF, but I know that I have to convince and show the doctors that the normal pills aren't working.
My chart says another round before i'm referred to an RE. So if this one doesn't work, I might just suggest to skip going through another round and just see the next doctor.

 

[BelleNuit]

Star if its been 5 years and you haven't been having your periods for most of that time then I think a referral to an RE is a priority!!! Gynos can only do so much and really, an RE will know better how to stimulate your ovaries. They can even try injectables which have a higher success rate anyway. Sorry about all the ignorant people in your life. We told some of our friends we were trying, and a few months into things one of them asked me very publicly at a party if we were still trying. Like WTF LOL. I just said we were never having kids to shut him up. Thats my go to answer. NEVER!!!! I love the shocked look on peoples faces when I do that.

Thank you Green! You ladies have been such a huge support for me these past few months. It feels good to know there are people rooting for me and here to support me on my ugly days. I hope I'm wrong too about the spotting, but month after month I always spot and AF always shows. So I fully expect she will show. I've started a new coping thing where I buy myself a pity present after every AF LOL. I'm thinking a new pair of shoes is in order for this month. I think you're right, taking it day by day is the step to go. I'm already doing everything I can to make this happen.

 

[StarGazerRose]

Yeah you would think they would... but I'm finding out if you aren't keeping up with things, they don't do anything (thus my years of wasted nothingness)

I thought going to the Endo was where i needed to be, but they were only tracking my thyroid there, and after they told me it's a "guessing game" and with levels in range they can't do anything ...I left. I don't think that Endo was an RE.
(i'm forgetting what i've told people ...versus what i'm typed and deleted)

One thing I'm hoping with this potential new job is that it will give me a better network I can go see doctors. Kinda mad that the place I was looking into wasn't in network, but the doctor was -- so unless they did house calls (which you know they don't) -- i couldn't see them. (how dumb is that?!)

So my wasted years are lessons learned: If you know something isn't right... seek doctors, get answers, ask questions, get it done!
I'm not fooling around anymore. Seriously, if this cycle proves nothing is working, i'm gonna just ask to be referred, and see if I can jump into something.

 

[OhHappyZ]

Good luck with the quiet BD! I've found the floor is quite noiseless.

Green - I'm not worried about the bed being loud. But I basically can't climax unless I don't have to worry about moaning. I am a big moaner, and if I have to focus on silencing myself, I can't focus on getting myself there. tmi? Maybe, but we don't know what tmi is anymore, do we?

BelleNuit - Sorry she appears to be getting you again. This journey is so hard, and it totally sucks.

StarGazerRose - Sorry about her being like that? I don't know how you handled it so gracefully, I probably would have blurted out "Not everyone can get pregnant as easily as just opening their legs, like you!!" lol I hope I don't encounter one of those kind of people, we might not be aloud to see them ever again

 

[StarGazerRose]

Z:
Oh I said some stuff in my head ... but with the whole family there, i just didn't find it all too appropriate to lash out at her (and it being one of the few times that she joins our gatherings). But like I said if she was my immediate cousin I would have ripped her a new one.
I'm a calm person, it takes a lot to piss me off, but not much for me to give a reaction on some sort.
I just focused on a different conversation, and it was quickly over.

 

[BelleNuit]

Well, DHs SA was excellent. 168 million count, 10℅ morphology and 70℅ motility.

As my hormones and ovaries are normal that only leaves lining or tube blockage issues to be ruled out. Either we'll conceive in the next couple cycles or we'll be diagnosed as unexplained infertility (assuming everything else is clear). I still think a thin lining is to blame in our case

 

[greenarcher]

That's so great to hear! I suspect lining issues as well. You should look into red clover and self fertility massages

 

[greenarcher]

Belle! I looked at your chart. No spotting yesterday!? That's promising!

 

[BelleNuit]

Hey green. The spotting has continued I just haven't recorded it. AF will be here tomorrow. Right on time. I will look into red clover. I'm doing acupuncture this month and found an acupuncturist who specializes in infertility. They also do fertility massage at this clinic, so I will ask about that too.