TTC #1 Hopeful and Obsessed! lol

[BelleNuit]

Thanks Green, it's nice knowing that there are people on my "side", as silly as that sounds. I ultimately decided not to go to the big family Christmas with all my aunts. I'm not in the mood to put up with them. I think a cycle break from TTC will actually be good for me.

I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist to help with things. That is the best thing that you can do right now. I don't want to throw out cliches and be all "happiness is in the journey" because I can also understand and relate to the sense that happiness is unobtainable at times. I've been trying to practice mindfulness in the sense that generally most moments of a person's life are not too bad. MOST of our depression and anxiety come from ruminating on the past and worrying about the future. I hope everything will go well for you and that things will start to make sense soon.

 

[greenarcher]

Good for you. I hope you don't catch flack for it later.

It really is true that most depression stems from past regrets/future concerns. Unfortunately, I pretty much have to think about my future right now, since I'm trying to decide where to go next with my law degree. But I'm trying to do that less often and just be.

 

[greenarcher]

Not going to lie, I am loving being back on birth control. My skin is so clear!

 

[BelleNuit]

My family is large enough that I think it will be okay. They have to rent a hall for our family Christmas as we are close to 150 people total. This year they planned it for new years eve, so they won't be surprised if several people in my age group don't attend.

I've been trying to call the health centre to book my mmr immunization but I can't get through. I've tried calling every 5-10 minutes for the past 2 hours and all the lines are always busy and the call disconnects. If I can't get in then I'm not going to worry about it. There have been 11 outbreaks of measles and 1 of rubella in Canada in the past year, so I think my risk is pretty low. I've talked it over with DH and if I can't get in then we'll try naturally this cycle, then do 3 femara cycles and then look at getting the MMR shot again in april. May we'll try naturally again, and then June we'll do IUI.

I think focusing on work/education is a great idea right now. Goal directed forward thinking makes a lot of sense and is healthy.

I'm glad that you are feeling so good being back on bcp! My skin is fairly oily so I've always struggled with outbreaks. I've been using the R&F unblemish regime since October (once a day) and I've noticed that my acne has really improved! So I'm happy with that lol.

 

[mnelson815]

Hey belle - are you able to leave a message at all? When I was trying to get mine back in the summer I had to leave a message and get called back. I think since today is still a day in lieu from the stats that the reason you aren't connecting stems from there. I would stop trying today and give it a go tomorrow and then see if you're having the same bad luck. Mine was through an urgent care facility that also does immunizations down here so the phone lines weren't always the greatest!

 

[BelleNuit]

Mnelson I think you are right and that they are closed today as I haven't been able to get through. There wasn't even an option to leave a message. It just said all their lines were busy as they were experiencing a greater than expected call volume and to call back in a few minutes, then it automatically disconnected the call. You must be getting to the end of your cycle. How are things going?

My best friend just told me she is pregnant. She has pcos and was told by the doc that it was unlikely that she would be able to have another child as her cysts had gotten worse. She tried for 8-9 months and is now pregnant. She was pretty understanding when I congratulated her and then immediately said that we were struggling with infertility and that I wouldn't be a good person to talk to about pregnancy stuff lol. She then had a whole slew of tips for me (of which we've already tried them all) and said she would be a surrogate for me if we needed it and that she would save her pop bottles for me to help cover the costs of treatment, which I thought was very sweet of her I don't think we will ever be going the surrogacy route simply because we wouldn't be able to afford it after IVF. I'm actually happy I told her as I feel less alone but have spent a good hour crying.

 

[mnelson815]

I have mixed emotions about your friend, Belle. On one hand, I am so happy to hear of any woman beating the odds of the doctors in getting pregnant. It always gives me loads of hope. On the other, its so hard to hear when you are struggling and then you see success come to others who were as well. Definite mixed bag of emotions but I love the way you handled it. I know its also hard when people tell you all these things to try (when you've already exhausted all of them), but I do think it comes from a good place.
On the terms of surrogacy, if you happened to have any left over embryos for an FET and you decided you didn't want to get ahead with that yourself, I dont think the cost is very high. I know you aren't even exploring that option, but since up here in Canada we cannot pay a surrogate for their services, you just would pay them for any out of pocket medical expenses. So an FET at my clinic only runs around 1500 plus meds, so it might be an option since most other blood/ultrasounds/etc. are covered under AHC. Again though, I get this isn't even on your radar, I just didn't want you to count yourself out of any options you might want to explore in your future!

AFM - I am 10dpo today and was going to test this morning since my spotting had been holding off for all of Christmas (hallelujah). Unfortunatley, woke up to some lovely light brown spotting. UGH. Honestly, I said I would be happy if it went back to starting at 10 dpo instead of 7 dpo like the last two months. So I really cannot complain. I am just so sick of never getting pregnant. Honestly, I just dont get it. Other women with my issues still manage to get pregnant, even though they likely cannot carry the baby for long or to term, but I never even get to see that lovely word on a digital screen. It is starting to drive me bananas. I honestly dont EVER wish a miscarriage on ANYONE but I cannot help to think that I would be grateful to be pregnant, even if it was just for a few weeks. To know that I had a baby for at least a small amount of time. Never having one at all seems so heartbreaking to me.
I also hate how slow the healthcare system is up here and how I have to wait until March for my surgery. I have anxiety - so waiting patiently is not very easy for me. I am trying hard not to freak out all the time, but I can't help but feel lost when I keep getting spotting and worrying about why and just wish I could get a surgery a month after they find an issue. Okay - rant over.

 

[BelleNuit]

Mnelson I totally get where you are coming from. I also have found myself wishing that I had at least had an MC at some point this year... because then I would know that I could get pregnant and that it was likely that I would get pregnant again. To never, ever be pregnant is pretty awful.

I'm also sorry that you started spotting again, I'm with you on that, the spotting is pretty annoying. It really really sucks that you have to wait all the way until March for your surgery. That is the unfortunate thing about our healthcare. I will keep hoping for a cancellation for you. Do rant if it makes you feel better. I would be pretty upset if I was in that position too.

Thanks for that note on surrogacy, I guess I hadn't really thought about it in those terms. It may be a possibility after all.

I know what you mean about my friend, I have mixed feelings about it all to. She then went on to tell me how sick she was feeling and that she would make me feel better by talking about how awful pregnancy is And then said that at least BDing is fun, so you get to have more fun trying double She clearly didn't try long enough to get it (infertility that is). It sucks to think we've been trying for twice as many cycles as her, with nothing wrong with us and have nothing to show for it, and she can get pregnant with pcos, hypothyroidism, massive cysts and no meds... 3 times... and within a reasonable amount of time! WTF! First pregnancy took her 4 months, second was another 4 months, 3rd was 8-9 months.... and she says she understands infertility????? She told me she was taking ovaboost this go around, so I figured its worth a shot. We don't know what's wrong so can't hurt to work on egg quality.

 

[greenarcher]

Belle - Congrats to your friend! She's trying really hard to empathize, but it doesn't sound like she quite gets it. I feel you both on the MC thing, which yea, sounds awful. I was at 9 months trying without ever seeing a second line before we split. It'd be nice to know it was possible. Femara is the one that is supposed to lengthen your cycles, right? I think that will be good for you, allow your lining to thicken more before you ovulate.

Mnelson - That is one nice thing about the American healthcare system-- we can get seen/surgery pretty much right away. Pay out the nose for it, but still. What meds are you on this cycle? I know for all three of us, spotting meant AF was on her way, but I try to remind myself that it could be implantation spotting. The timing is right. Not all spotting means AF is coming. But it's hard to get hopes up when that's the way it always ends :/

I'm going to keep hoping for both of you.

 

[BelleNuit]

You're right Green, she is trying hard to empathize which is really sweet of her and more than what most people are able or willing to do.

I'm actually looking forward to starting femara, but i'm glad that we're waiting another cycle as it will give DH's swimmers that much more time to recover from all the weed. So far he has stuck with quitting and has even acknowledged that he is addicted.... which he has never acknowledged before. So I think this is a step in the right direction.

DH and I also came up with a plan to restore our sex lives. As we are now on cycle 17 we have become pretty much exhausted by trying to time everything to that one week. It has become something that we both dread. Last cycle was horrible because I had absolutely zero interest in BDing with my husband. We decided that from now on we will only BD when we actually want to, and it will be for pleasure. We will use soft cups to inseminate during our fertile week... and if we happen to want to BD one of those days then we'll go ahead and do it. I think this will also help with reducing stress during our cycle.

I'm happy that you continue to check in

 

[MommaMykee]

Hello all
New to the forums. TTC for about a year and a half, more seriously the past couple months. Just had an appt with reproductive endocrinology last week and going through their workup before starting any sort of treatment. Was on oral contraceptive for about 12 years before stopping about 2 years ago. Did not think TTC was going to be this difficult! How naive of me. I admit, i've been a lurker for months, but finally got the guts to post Hoping for #1 in 2017. *crossing fingers*

Belle, one of my BFFs just announced her pregnancy as well a few days ago. Although very, very good news, I could not help but beat myself up a little, scolding my body for not being able to conceive. My younger sister just had her first a few months ago, so its hard to attend family gatherings without getting asked "When are you going to get pregnant?" :/ *sigh*

 

[mnelson815]

Belle - Have you had any luck booking the MMR or have you given up for this cycle looking for an appointment? I hate our health care up here so much sometimes!
We did softcups this month too! I was deathly ill during my peak days so we inseminated using those and preseed. One thing of advice if you're going to do that, insert the preseed 15min before hand so that it warms up to body temp. I was putting some in the softcup and realized after reading other people trying ICI, that if the preseed is too cold it can have a negative result on the swimmers.
TTC for months definitely ruins the fun after a while. Happy you guys now have a plan!

Green - I am on zero meds this month. I did femara for two months and then gave up with it, even though I was a good responder with it, it increased my spotting days and it was much heavier spotting. With talking to my acupuncturist, I think until I have my septum and polyps removed, I think I will always spot before AF. I think it will vary in days and amounts but it will always happen. If my spotting ever stops after it starts - then I will have more hope about being pregnant, since most ladies usually have that. Where their spotting starts like normal, but then never turns into AF. Also a plus, this month it has been way lighter! Like barely anything, usually just when wiping. Last month I had bright red spotting at 7dpo that was pretty heavy, like quite a bit with wiping and on a liner. That was scary. So I am much happier to deal with this amount this month.

Welcome Momma! I know how you feel. I was previously a long time lurker-first time poster in this thread!

 

[BelleNuit]

Mnelson I gave up trying to get an appointment. DH and I decided that the risk of contraction is actually quite low (11 people in Canada got measles this year and 1 got rubella). There is high herd immunity so I'm going to take my chances for now. We will aim to get the booster in April after we have done our 3 femara cycles and before IUI. So we will be trying naturally this cycle after all (with the soft cup route that we decided on! Thanks for that feedback about how to use the preseed! I never would have thought of that!)

I am seriously considering asking for the sperm DNA fragmentation tests to be done. I was reading the level of microfragmentation can seriously impact which treatment option will be most successful for you. If fragmentation is severe then ICSI is your only option. If we find thats the case it doesn't make sense to waste time and money on interventions (IUI and IVF) that are unlikely to work we would go straight to ICSI and feel good about that choice. If we find out that fragmentation isn't an issue, (we'll ask for the AMH test too) and my egg supply is good then we'll likely continue taking our time on the slow route (IUI a few times before going on to IVF). The only reason I'm considering this is because a major cause of unexplained infertility is sperm fragmentation.

Welcome Mykee! I think we all thought that it would happen right away. I know I was surprised when it didn't! I was reflecting today that the longer wait has actually been good for DH and I... as long as we get pregnant soonish LOL. I know I have actively avoided certain friends and family gatherings because the discussion is just too hard. I am working on it and I hope eventually I will get to the point where I can talk about our infertility without bursting into tears.... not there yet!

 

[MommaMykee]

Belle... I totally agree! How do you even start to tell someone "We have fertility problems :/ " It's just something you don't normally talk about. I told my Mom because she would not stop lecturing me about needing to have my first child by the time I am 30, and lectured me even more when my younger sister got pregnant last year. Other than her, my 2 BFFs know and thats about it. On a side note, we have similar stats Belle! Although I am 31 (not a youngin' 27!), DH is 31, married June 2015, together 12 years with 2 fur babies!

 

[BelleNuit]

Nice stats looks like we are in similar spots then. Do you have cats? Dogs?

My MIL was quite looking forward to grandkids and kept asking us, but that's settled down a bit after DH told her our problems. She still thinks it will happen for us, as does DH. That kind of optimism must be nice, I just don't have it in me anymore.

I've started telling a few friends, mostly to explain why I can't talk to them about their pregnancies or babies. I just can't handle it right now. Eventually we will tell our extended family because it's worse to keep getting asked "when." So I've been practicing talking about it, saying it out loud. I'm actually dreading new years for this very reason. I just don't want to think about it or talk about it anymore

 

[MommaMykee]

I have 2 lovely dogs!

My MIL/FIL are very anxiously waiting to hear big news from us. We haven't exactly told them our story yet. It would be their first grandkid, so there is even more pressure.

Lucky (and unlucky) for me, I am hundreds of miles away from home this New Year's. Our fam/friends are in CA and I am out in the midwest while the hubs goes to school. There's always a lot of preggo talk when I am back home, since my sister just had a baby and my BFF is now pregnant and the other is TTC as well. I have been trying to muster up the guts and start a blog and maybe share our story on there, but still haven't done it. Maybe it will be a new year's resolution. We'll see.

 

[JoJazie]

Hi there, mind if I join in? We officially start TTC in a week (or so FF tells me). It will be our #1 so I'd love some TTC buddies?

 

[BelleNuit]

Welcome Jo. I hope your TTC journey will be short and sweet.

How is everyone doing? I'm CD 10 and will probably O in a couple days. I'm hoping I'll hold out until CD 14. Just BDing EOD. I couldn't find any softcups in store. Ordered a box online, but it won't be here until Friday

 

[mnelson815]

Belle have you checked Shoppers? That was the only place I could find some here. But I've seen them at 3 or 4 Shoppers Drug Marts now.

I am CD4, just hanging out - nothing exciting. I might call my RE and check in on any possible cancellations that occurred during Christmas for my surgery. I am just hoping she will get sick enough of hearing from me and just schedule me in earlier

Welcome to the new ladies!

 

[BelleNuit]

Mnelson I actually haven't checked shoppers. I may have to take a look and see if I can find any. We do have one left, which we may end up using tonight since I'll be working late and won't want to BD when I get home.

I hope you can get in for a cancellation!!! Either way, I do have high hopes for you once you get your surgery!