TTC 40 plus!! Lets share the ups and downs!

[Reb S]

Afternoon all, it's another scorching day in Provence and OH has just gone home We've had a lovely time despite a few ups and downs and me working, and I shall miss him for the next 2 weeks. No BD for me this month, but maybe IVF if I can persuade him from his current stance. If we did it, we could start in 3 weeks....urk.
Hoping you're all well - Sam and Glowie, I've been thinking about you both and hoping you're both doing ok - Glowie, how was your holiday? Not too sad, I hope x
Sam - what's the news from you?
Miss C - I think I'm about to join you in AF - I haven't been temping but I recognise those unwelcome signs! This could be a good cycle for us, if you're HSG and I'm thinking about the IVF...if we decide to go for it...x
Cianfalerawlekrjfar and Pip - glad you popped in! You're both blooming - and blooming marvellous!
Frogger - I did herbs for about 6 months, but gave up because half my problem is the OH spermies and she never suggested treating him...
Pilotbaby - hope to hear from you again x

 

[samiam]

Hi Reb: Well, I have my appointment this afternoon. I had a blood test yesterday and will have an ultrasound today. So I'll know without a doubt what the story is this afternoon. I'm nervous, of course. This morning OH admitted to having secret hopes that the baby is somehow still in there fighting away and it made both of us a bit weepy. He's leaving tomorrow afternoon, so whatever happens, we're going to have tonight to deal with it and then I won't see him again until the 18th. So I know what you mean about being without one's love. It's so hard.

Inre IVF: A fertility clinic has opened a new location and for the grand opening, they are having a drawing for a free IVF cycle. I, of course, have signed up for the drawing. I likely won't win and OH figures it's rigged, but I figured I might as well try, right? It won't be until after I get back from seeing OH in Seattle and, depending on my O time this cycle, I may be deep in the tww again. That would be Murphy's Law, right? Win the thing and find oneself already preg. One can only hope. . .

Stay cool there in Provence.

 

[pip7890]

I'm sending you lots of positive energy for your appointment Sam. I'm glad your OH will be around, even if briefly. You've had to go through so much physically alone recently, but I hope you know how much cyber support you have.

Thinking of you too Reb. Whilst a cottage in Provence sounds delightful I imagine you are well and truly fed up by now. Hope the time passes quickly for you.

to you all.

Pip x

 

[Reb S]

Oh blimey, Sam. All the VERY BEST xxxx Let us know asap if you can x
Thanks Pip! I'll make the best of it and come back with a fat tummy and a tan x

 

[Spoomie]

Oh blimey, Sam. All the VERY BEST xxxx Let us know asap if you can x
Thanks Pip! I'll make the best of it and come back with a fat tummy and a tan x

Reb, nothing would give us greater joy that to hear that you've come back from Provence with a fat tummy

 

[samiam]

Okay--so the news is not good. But I don't need a D&C and he's been very pro-active and ordered loads of tests. One thing the Americans are good at is medical tests. Well, ordering loads of them, I mean. So we shall see. And he told me not to lose hope. He scoffed at the idea of 43 being too old and told me that he has patients who are 48/49 and preg and doing just fine. I like this OB/GYN much better than the fert doc. So now, if O will just cooperate and hold off until I see OH again on the 18th--he leaves tomorrow

Thanks for being so kind and so lovely and supportive. I'll be okay. I will.

 

[Spoomie]

Hi Reb: Well, I have my appointment this afternoon. I had a blood test yesterday and will have an ultrasound today. So I'll know without a doubt what the story is this afternoon. I'm nervous, of course. This morning OH admitted to having secret hopes that the baby is somehow still in there fighting away and it made both of us a bit weepy. He's leaving tomorrow afternoon, so whatever happens, we're going to have tonight to deal with it and then I won't see him again until the 18th. So I know what you mean about being without one's love. It's so hard.

Inre IVF: A fertility clinic has opened a new location and for the grand opening, they are having a drawing for a free IVF cycle. I, of course, have signed up for the drawing. I likely won't win and OH figures it's rigged, but I figured I might as well try, right? It won't be until after I get back from seeing OH in Seattle and, depending on my O time this cycle, I may be deep in the tww again. That would be Murphy's Law, right? Win the thing and find oneself already preg. One can only hope. . .

Stay cool there in Provence.

Sam, hope appointment was ok and not too painful for you both. I totally get your OH's dreams; after my last mc I was scanned to check for 'remaining tissue' and cried like a baby afterwards because I was convincing myself that they would say there was a second baby there and everything was looking good for him/her. I'm sure that being with your OH has been a comfort for you both, particularly important to have him with you for the appointment and I hope you are able to enjoy your last night together for a while.

Can you put our names in the draw too? Only in America I'm sure would there be a prize for a cycle of IVF!!!

 

[Spoomie]

Sam, our posts crossed over - didn't see yours before I posted. So sorry. However, I know you wouldn't underestimate the importance of having a Dr who is onside, and this one seems totally onside. I love him that he thinks 43 is no age at all - we may all be moving in with you en masse to visit his clinic!

Big hugs and thinking of you. Yes, you will be ok, we shall make dam sure of that xxx

 

[Miss_C]

Well witchy is here and she has a sharp carving knife with her this month and also sharp wind with the period poos are ensuing, OMG soooooooo bloody painful, I cried on the loo this morning and was trying not to cry as Jake was watching me. I called hubby to see if he could come home but he is in charge today so no chance. I just want to curl up in a ball and hide under the covers. ow ow ow ow.

I am also super cranky, I thought PMS was PRE menstrual not when it hits!! I wanted it to arrive this month cos I knew the dream again was over and want to get started on round 2 of clomid and the fast forward to Thursday and get the HSG and then bonk like rabbits.

VENT AHEAD - please don't anyone be offended but I have to get ot off my chest.

My son goes to a christian daycare as despite not being religious myself - well not in the conventional way I do believe on a greater force but in a more spiritual sense in that it is inside us etc and it is controlled by love blah blah blah, won't try and explain it as it doesn't matter - he goes cos it is my responsibility as a parent to teach him everything, maths, writing, loving, manners and religions etc etc and he will then make his own personal decisions when he is able to and we can only make decisions based on what we know.

Anywhoo we have a real bond with his carer, she had him when he was in nursery when he started at 1 year old, he would visit her when he went into toddlers and now she has him again in junior kindy. He loves her and she is so so supportive of us always asks how we are going, cried with us when we lost ziggy and know she means it when she says she loves us and Jake, it is more than just a carer child relationship. But when we lost ziggy she said God knew something wasn't right and that God had better plans for Ziggy etc. Well then why send ziggy in the first place and cause so much pain and heartache and devastation. Why send a child to a mother that wants to be free and single and so kills that child, why send a child to someone that throws them off a bridge. Why not send a precious miracle to someone who truly wants and already loves that child and is just waiting to hold them physically as well as in their heart. Why take a mother away from a daughter at a time in her life when she needs her the most. I also said well if you believe you have any sway tell him he has one or 2 more chances to send us our baby his way or we take it out of his hands and go all medical on him and allow a doctor to play god.

Anyway there is no answer that will ever be right for this and I am the sort of person that simply cannot say that it is god's will and accept it. I have to know why, I have to know what I can do, I have to DO it. I am a fighter and will always be and will never simply "accept".

I don't post this as an opening for a debate or a discussion it's more I needed to get to off my chest and I love you ladies for allowing me to feel safe enough to do this and know I come from a good place.

If it helps you to believe then that is awesome, I sometimes wish I had that sort of faith and can leave things to trusting in something other than myself and what I have to do. I can't. Maybe somewhere down the track I will understand it more and will be tolerant of it and not have the reactions I do but until such time I do what I need to do to get by.

It's a bad coincidence that Miss Jo said the things to me that she did when she did and the lovely Frogger has joined us when she has and obviously has a strong faith and it has all blown up at me.

This is my place of refuge where we can vent and share and be free of judgement etc and just be people with no denomination, no colour, no race, nothing but our age and our dreams for and wants and desires and needs for a child, our beliefs etc make us who we are but we don't talk about them just support each other in more simple ways, as friends for each other on the same bloody difficult journey.

So I have a MASSIVE favour to ask - can we leave God or Buddha or Allah or whoever it is we turn to or pray to or don't for that matter at the door.

If I am wrong then please tell me, please don't hate me for it or go away because of it I am just one voice here and I also sometimes need to be told no you are wrong shut up and sit in the corner and I will, I will slap myself upside the head and then crawl back in and try and find another way forward.

Sorry I am rambling now.

 

[samiam]

Miss C: Yes. I couldn't agree more and brava to you for saying it. Having just lost another baby, I'm not feeling terribly charitable toward whomever/whatever is, or is not in charge of this mortal coil. Let's leave our own ideas of God/Allah/Buddha at the door. Because right now, those very ideas are hurting me and making me feel downright angry. And we don't need any more pain or anger. What we need is friendship, honesty, support and the kind of generous love that you ladies all give in here every day. And that, to me, is worth more than anything.

I'm so sorry that you're having a bad time of it. The image of trying not to cry in front of Jake brought tears to my eyes. But your HSG and your second cycle are going to bring you all kinds of possibilities. I can just feel it.

Spoomie: I know, right? Only in America. . . I mean, it's kind of weird to enter a draw for such a thing, but hell, if they want to spend their money advertising that way, well, who am I to complain? As for my doc, he's a lovely older man who isn't high-tech at all. He's no fertility guy, but a guy who delivers babies and when I left today, he squeezed my hand and told me to promise not to lose hope. I think I may love him a little bit. OH says he understands. How could you not love a doc like that? Off to dinner with OH and a last night of cuddling for a week or so.

 

[Reb S]

Sam, I'm sorry it's bad news and I think you're being amazing at how you're coping. I'm in love with your doctor too!
Miss C - sorry you're having a bad time, but as Sam says - it's an interesting month for you coming up ahead and I think it's great that you have such a positive attitude - I'm sure it will work. As for God/Allah/Buddah, I am a non-believer, but I think it would be a shame to forbid all mention! I'm more than happy for people to pray for me if it helps them - or me! How about we just try not to make each other uncomfortable? Knowing BnB I bet there are Christian threads where people of faith can get support - here we can keep our focus on TTC over 40, which is blooming challenging enough!
AFM, period poos arriving, bloody grumpy - the witch is on her way.

 

[samiam]

Sam, I'm sorry it's bad news and I think you're being amazing at how you're coping. I'm in love with your doctor too!
Miss C - sorry you're having a bad time, but as Sam says - it's an interesting month for you coming up ahead and I think it's great that you have such a positive attitude - I'm sure it will work. As for God/Allah/Buddah, I am a non-believer, but I think it would be a shame to forbid all mention! I'm more than happy for people to pray for me if it helps them - or me! How about we just try not to make each other uncomfortable? Knowing BnB I bet there are Christian threads where people of faith can get support - here we can keep our focus on TTC over 40, which is blooming challenging enough!
AFM, period poos arriving, bloody grumpy - the witch is on her way.

Reb: Again, you are right! There are Christian threads for support. I think what Miss C (and kick me if I'm paraphrasing you wrong, Miss C) was saying was exactly what you are saying, which is "let's not try to make each other uncomfortable," because it is hard enough being over 40 and TTC, esp after a loss or two. Sorry to hear about AF. She's never fun.

And I am willing to share my OB/GYN. I think he'd be THRILLED to have a few new patients with gorgeous English accents. He may even blush, a little, if I were to guess.

TONS of blood is being drawn tomorrow after fasting. So much so that the blood draw woman (with whom I've become fairly close by this stage) advised a night of drinking gallons of water. In addition to water, OH and I have had loads more wine than I've had in months and we're now considering naughty behavior as a way to "prime" his pump for what surely must be the most fertile month ever (coming soon to a screen near you on July 19th or later). Feeling quite drunk. and wishing you all some good somethin somethin.

 

[Miss_C]

I just saw that Desperado lost her little bean too - so very sad

 

[Glowstar]

Hi ladies,

I need to apologise for being so quiet and unsupportive of late, I suppose I am still trying to re-group and get myself back into a good frame of mind again.
I'm beginning to feel much more like my old self again but slightly frustrated being the control freak I am that for the first time in months I have no bloody clue where I am in my cycle!! I've started temping again though I know it's probably a waste of time, mid cycle. We were supposed to be abstaining until AF arrives but have decided what the hell, what will be will be right??

Anyway enough about me.

MissC - sorry the witch got you, the cruel moo. One more step forward to clomid and hsg though. X

Sam - I am so sorry your news wasn't good, you've really been through alot these last 8 months or so. I know you prob don't want to hear it but will say it anyway, I am glad they are carrying out loads of tests and I am sure it will happen again for you soon. Xx

To all those in the TWW we could do with some good news around here!! No pressure lol!!

 

[inkdchick]

i think we all need a cyber HUG !!!!! have a good day girls xxxx
Glowstar good to see you are getting there hun xx

 

[Reb S]

Aw, thanks Ink! I def need one xxx
Glowie - great to have you back and you're NEVER unsupportive. Hover in the background or come and chew us all out - whatever suits you best x
Miss C - thanks for letting us know about Desperado - I've read her thread now - poor love she is devastated. TOO MANY losses here. Thank God we have Pip, Cianswlksjflksdjflksdfjajslfjfar, and Truly Blessed still going. Does anyone know what happened to Omi? She got pregnant by IVF but now I can't find her... x

 

[truly_blessed]

ladies, you are all coping so well with the ups and downs and I'm so glad you have each other to lean on and share experience with. I don't post too much in here with all the sad news but I do understand how hard it is to keep TTC every month and stay positive, I understand what it's like to suffer a loss and thankfully, somehow, I managed to get this far. I thank my lucky stars every day and truly hope every one of you lovely ladies gets your dream soon.

 

[truly_blessed]

Omi seems fine hun, just found a post from her last night and her signature says due 30th Jan so I'd make her about 10 weeks or so I reckon now. x

 

[pip7890]

As for God/Allah/Buddah, I am a non-believer, but I think it would be a shame to forbid all mention! I'm more than happy for people to pray for me if it helps them - or me! How about we just try not to make each other uncomfortable? Knowing BnB I bet there are Christian threads where people of faith can get support - here we can keep our focus on TTC over 40, which is blooming challenging enough!

I'm with you Reb. I lost my faith as a child for reasons I'd rather not go into, but I am in awe of anyone who can draw comfort from their beliefs (in whatever it is they believe). I just can't pretend to believe when I don't as I'd like to think I'm not a hypocrite.

Like you Miss C I've made my child aware of all religions and left him to make up his own mind. He asked to be confirmed when he was 12 and I allowed him to do that. Now he's almost 15 he's not too interested in the church but, if asked, he would call himself a Christian. If that brings him comfort then I am happy for him.

I know that after my losses if someone said to me "it's god's will", or "it happened for a reason" or "it was meant to be" I wanted to attack them - physically or verbally it was all the same. But then what was the point? If they were so insensitive as to come out with trite comments like that then they would never understand my pain.

I'm sorry for all of our struggles and I know that if any one of us had the power to make it better for the others we would. I'd just like to say that knowing ladies like you are here to support me and others makes such a difference. With people like you I don't need God, Buddah or Allah.

Sam and Glowie I am so sorry. Please don't give up. You have proved you can get pregnant at 40+ and that's a huge achievement and there's no reason why the next pregnancy will end the same way. Look at me and the other "geriatrics" on here who are now entering second tri. We're behind you all the way.

Wishing you all much and lots of

Take care ladies.

Pip x

 

[samiam]

Hi ladies,

I need to apologise for being so quiet and unsupportive of late, I suppose I am still trying to re-group and get myself back into a good frame of mind again.
I'm beginning to feel much more like my old self again but slightly frustrated being the control freak I am that for the first time in months I have no bloody clue where I am in my cycle!! I've started temping again though I know it's probably a waste of time, mid cycle. We were supposed to be abstaining until AF arrives but have decided what the hell, what will be will be right??

Sam - I am so sorry your news wasn't good, you've really been through alot these last 8 months or so. I know you prob don't want to hear it but will say it anyway, I am glad they are carrying out loads of tests and I am sure it will happen again for you soon. Xx

To all those in the TWW we could do with some good news around here!! No pressure lol!!

Glowie: I think it should still be all about you hon. You've also been through a lot and we're here to listen. So tell us all. And the abstaining until AF, well, fuck it. I agree that what will be will be. And the temping, even if it doesn't give you the best clue right now, will make you feel as if you have a bit more control over things. At least you will start to see some sort of pattern. That's what I've told myself. And what is the alternative, right?

As for things I don't want to hear, well, I don't mind your saying that you're glad they are carrying out loads of tests. I don't mind that at all. The only thing that really upsets me these days is someone saying "Oh well, it wasn't meant to be." I mean, come on. How is that supposed to make someone feel better? It's one of the reasons I only told one on-ground friend about being preg this time. The next time it will be zero on-ground friends. Only BnB friends will know. It's just too hard to deal with the pitying looks and the awkward comments.

Feeling really weepy today. Put OH on the shuttle out of town and the tears just started coming. I suppose it's normal and healthy. And I guess I should just let myself cry. I hate feeling this alone. I wish we could be together all the time instead of this crappy work schedule of his. But I guess we were right that I need to stay here while I try to get preg. Had I been in Scotland and lost another one only to hear the GP there tell me "to wait" again, I would have lost the plot. Anyway. Going to try to do something productive today. xoxo Bon weekend.