TTC 40 plus!! Lets share the ups and downs!

[Reb S]

Hello girls!!! We have had the weirdest weekend. We've eaten all the worst, most delicious things ever; we've drunk a bottle of wine between us each night; we've met the celebrant for our wedding; I've cried buckets and crashed the car. (Nothing to do with the wine, I hasten to add!)
How's everyone else?!
Nise - I've been thinking of you - did you go to meet SW? And if yes, how did it go?
Glowie - how is your little one?
Miss C - so happy to see things going well for you - you're the one carrying the torch (not the flaming snatch, i hope!) for all of us nowadays x
PS thanks again to you all for your lovely messages. x

 

[Nise]

Hey Reb, sounds like you've had a pretty wild weekend which I think was exactly what you needed - I suspect you could have done without the car crash and I hope no-one was hurt.

Yes we did go to the meeting, got back yesterday. According to the SW it went really well. I did however ask her before we even started what exactly the deal was and explained to her that we were interested in adopting. She said it's for 'Special Guardianship' - not ideal at all! This is one step down from adoption, we get parental rights in terms of education, general up bringing decisions etc, but their is ongoing contact between the child and the birth parents who are not exactly relinquished of their 'parental duties' if that makes sense! Basically it leaves the door wide open for the little girl to be taken from us should the parents decide they want her back at some point and I guess can prove themselves cleaned up. The level of this contact will be set by the court, she wasn't able to say whether it would be weekly, monthly or yearly.

This SW is relatively new to the case, she's very nice but she told us that it has been dragging on and the court have given her till the end of May to get things sorted. She also said the court wanted to know why we had only just come forward - we told her that we wanted to last year when we first learnt about the little girl and we had expressed interest via the closer members of family, who had clearly not put us forward back then because they had been told there was an order put on the child stating she wasn't to leave NC - SW told us this wasn't the case! Nobody seems to know how the wires got crossed.

SW also apologised again for us not being able to see LG, but we said we understood her reasoning - she also stopped contact this week with the birth mother. She said the little girl was being sent all kinds of mixed messages by those around her. She told us LG is extremely independent and has basically bought herself up.

I really don't know what to do, it's all very messy - at the moment the ball is rolling but I don't like it's direction. We don't yet have a date for the next SW meeting, we should get a letter but it will be quite soon and she would be coming to us this time and it will be a lot more in depth.

I've been doing a bit of digging on the internet trying to understand the birth parents - most of the stuff I've found was on the EDL website and not pleasant. The mother is my OH's niece and from what I gathered from the rest of the family who have all disowned her due to drugs etc, she has now split up from the birth father who is about to be released from prison but she has taken up with someone even worse! I then established that the little girl has a facebook page. She has 1 friend (her mother) and there was one message posted last Wed that read "Hey baby girl, mammy and daddy love you very much. See you soon" - That's not the kind of message a mother leaves for a child she is willfully neglecting is it??? I'm finding all this quite emotional and almost wishing I didn't know anything about it.

 

[pdmcd17]

reb sounds like you had an interesting weekend (the accident excluded). How are you doing today?

Nise wow i want to just hug the lg -how old is she? She sounds like she needs alot of loving and a stable home. You two may be exactly what she needs. I cant believe her mom could do that to her dtr.

hope everyone else is well - we do need some good news soon hopefully a string of bfps

 

[maryanne67]

Hi girls ,it is with buckets of sadness that i tell you , Baby Joshua was born sleeping march 25th weighing 9lb 11oz, i havent been on before because was just too heartbroken to type it out , im still in shock and mostly sleeping my days away, i would however like to try again it is the only thing keeping me sane , my hubby is up for it altho very scared , however i have never been in this situation before i have breastfed all my other children and never had to do the milk coming in and not breastfeeding , i havent had period return yet , its been 5 weeks since, so im in limbo at the moment aswell , do any of you know how long it mite take , im so sorry to bring this to the thread but sure you may have been wondering , good luck every1 x

 

[Reb S]

Oh my gosh, Maryanne, I don't know what to say. I'm so, so sorry and huge hugs and kisses to you and your family. xxxxxx

 

[garfie]

MARYANNE - I am so sorry



X

 

[Spoomie]

Dear dear Maryanne, this is too horrific to grasp. Poor darling Joshua. You are much in my thoughts and I pray that your immense pain will ease. Your bravery in wanting to try again is admirable, but something I'm sure many of us understand; after my last loss all I wanted to do was feel a baby filling the huge hole left where my baby should've been. Take your comfort from your DH and let him support you and look after you.

 

[booth19]

Maryanne , sending , I truly can'y begin to understand what you are going through but urge to you try to keep positive. My best friend had a smiliar thing happen to her, she went in to be induced to find out her daughter had died and was her first child. She took time out but her period retunred after 8 weeks but like everything we all know everyone is different. Take time to grieve as we all know the rollercoaster TTC is expecially for us older ladies xxxx

 

[Butterfly67]

Oh no Maryanne. I had been thinking about you too. Like the ladies said I can't begin to imagine how heartbreaking this is for you, I think it is truly everyone's worst nightmare and I have tears for you I can totally imagine that it is difficult for you to do anything but sleep. I can only send my thoughts and prayers to you and your husband and admire you for trying again, and hope in that case that your cycle gets back to normal as soon as possible. Massive

 

[Mistyy]

Oh Maryanne love. My thoughts and prayers for you and your OH. I'm so so sorry to hear about Joshua.

Be good to yourself and as others have said let you and your OH be strong for each other when you need to - and at times when you need to sleep/cry/rant/be normal - do it freely too.

I absolutely understand the need to try again soon. Its natural and there's nothing wrong with that it all. Again - so sorry.

 

[Mistyy]

Reb - what a weekend! Bless you both! Hope everyone is ok after the crash!? Been thinking of you over the weekend (not least, i have to admit, as the idea of going down the IVF route for us too has been floating around in my mind recently) and been hoping you and OH were coping as well as you could. Hows things now?

Big as always.

Nise - i've read your post twice. I feel for you. The decision to adopt is such a generous and lovely thing. I hate to hear this is all so rocky and unsure for you so early on into things. There's been so many little misunderstandings already. Grrrr! for you

I can see why you must feel a bit about the mothers message on facebook. On the surface it would seem to be a normal happy message to a normal happy child in a normal happy relationship, yes. But remember you know for sure that this isnt quite the case by any stretch. It may just be the mum attempting to keep the superficial stuff looking good.

As for your feeling towards the 'special gaurdianship' arrangement - i can undrstand why you are balking at this a little. It's not what you had in mind at the outset so its natural that you should have to think carefully about weather or not this is for you. Dont feel bad about that - this adoption is such a massive thing in your life. Only you and your OH can decide if ithis sharing arrangement is right for you or not. It must be hard when you can feel the ball rolling, as such, and you're not quite happy. Stay strong.

((Hugs)) for you.

Waves to all - hope you're all keeping dry! Sooooo rainey here.

P.S: any tips about adding photos to posts? Some of my wedding photos are on my windows photos gallery and i've tried a few times to get them to upload as atatchments to a post but it just wont have it! It just says 'uploading' in the baby and bump uploading bit but never gets anywhere Sorry - it's probably me being very dim and untechnologicly with it. Wouldnt be the first time and certainly wont be the last

x

 

[Nise]

Thanks for your lovely message Misty, I'm thinking a little more rationally now! I guess what I need to do is get to the bottom of why the order is for special guardianship and not full on adoption and if there is currently or going to be a concerted effort to reunite the birth parent(s) and child. It's hard to judge when you don't really know the exact circumstances and it was rather a lot to take in from just an hours meeting.

Re photos - maybe the files are just a bit to big and you need to adjust the size of the photo before it will upload. Hope this works coz I'm dying to see the pics!

 

[Nise]

Maryanne, my heart goes right out to you, what you've been through must surely be one of the hardest things a mother and indeed a father have to bear. Fate does deal out some very cruel cards sometimes I hope your body heals quickly and I wish you much strength for your heart and head to get through this dark time

 

[Desperado167]

Maryanne ,I am so very sorry for your awful loss ,it's heartbreaking ,my heart goes out to you and I hope you and your oh can find comfort in each other through this really difficult time.My son was born sleeping at seven months and I had af seven weeks later ,love and prayers sweetie ,thinking of you ,

 

[Spoomie]

Hey Reb, sounds like you've had a pretty wild weekend which I think was exactly what you needed - I suspect you could have done without the car crash and I hope no-one was hurt.

Yes we did go to the meeting, got back yesterday. According to the SW it went really well. I did however ask her before we even started what exactly the deal was and explained to her that we were interested in adopting. She said it's for 'Special Guardianship' - not ideal at all! This is one step down from adoption, we get parental rights in terms of education, general up bringing decisions etc, but their is ongoing contact between the child and the birth parents who are not exactly relinquished of their 'parental duties' if that makes sense! Basically it leaves the door wide open for the little girl to be taken from us should the parents decide they want her back at some point and I guess can prove themselves cleaned up. The level of this contact will be set by the court, she wasn't able to say whether it would be weekly, monthly or yearly.

This SW is relatively new to the case, she's very nice but she told us that it has been dragging on and the court have given her till the end of May to get things sorted. She also said the court wanted to know why we had only just come forward - we told her that we wanted to last year when we first learnt about the little girl and we had expressed interest via the closer members of family, who had clearly not put us forward back then because they had been told there was an order put on the child stating she wasn't to leave NC - SW told us this wasn't the case! Nobody seems to know how the wires got crossed.

SW also apologised again for us not being able to see LG, but we said we understood her reasoning - she also stopped contact this week with the birth mother. She said the little girl was being sent all kinds of mixed messages by those around her. She told us LG is extremely independent and has basically bought herself up.

I really don't know what to do, it's all very messy - at the moment the ball is rolling but I don't like it's direction. We don't yet have a date for the next SW meeting, we should get a letter but it will be quite soon and she would be coming to us this time and it will be a lot more in depth.

I've been doing a bit of digging on the internet trying to understand the birth parents - most of the stuff I've found was on the EDL website and not pleasant. The mother is my OH's niece and from what I gathered from the rest of the family who have all disowned her due to drugs etc, she has now split up from the birth father who is about to be released from prison but she has taken up with someone even worse! I then established that the little girl has a facebook page. She has 1 friend (her mother) and there was one message posted last Wed that read "Hey baby girl, mammy and daddy love you very much. See you soon" - That's not the kind of message a mother leaves for a child she is willfully neglecting is it??? I'm finding all this quite emotional and almost wishing I didn't know anything about it.

Nise, I too have been thinking about your post and didn't reply straight away because I had nothing of value to say, I'm afraid. I still don't think I have anything revelatory to say, but thought I'd voice my thoughts as a way of offering camaraderie. My heart goes out to you, and to the little girl and I can't decide, from your point of view, whose needs should come first. Her unfortunate situation at such a young age is truly awful, and very difficult for all of us to hear about when we all want so much to have a baby and to bring it up showered with love and wrapped in the security of a stable family. However, you are obviously vulnerable in that you have endured the rigours of ttc and mc and further ttc, which is a very difficult journey and you desperately want to be parents. My initial response would be to say that anything you can do to improve her sorry lot has to help, but in truth, the responsibility to do that is not yours, the situation has to be of benefit to you and OH as well as to the little girl; the proposition put to you by the social worker is, at best, wholly unsatisfactory for you and OH. It provides you with absolutely no security that she will remain your daughter, and the fear and uncertainty that she could, at any time, be returned to the madness from which she has come, would be awful for you. Imagine the feelings of loss if the worst DID happen and she was taken from you. I find myself wondering what would happen if you said you were prepared to walk away, would the 'offer on the table' improve I wonder??? That probably sounds callous and I don't want it to, but if I was in your shoes I couldn't help but feel the I was being asked to babysit while the Mum got her house in order, rather than being offered the opportunity to be her parents which is what you want. Oh dear, I don't think I've said anything to help, sorry, I just wanted you to know that I had thought about you xxx

 

[Miss_C]

Hi girls ,it is with buckets of sadness that i tell you , Baby Joshua was born sleeping march 25th weighing 9lb 11oz, i havent been on before because was just too heartbroken to type it out , im still in shock and mostly sleeping my days away, i would however like to try again it is the only thing keeping me sane , my hubby is up for it altho very scared , however i have never been in this situation before i have breastfed all my other children and never had to do the milk coming in and not breastfeeding , i havent had period return yet , its been 5 weeks since, so im in limbo at the moment aswell , do any of you know how long it mite take , im so sorry to bring this to the thread but sure you may have been wondering , good luck every1 x

OMG darling I am so so so so very sorry - I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling and my heart is just breaking for you and your family. This is just such devastating news. I have been stalking for updates cos you were not far behind Glowie. Hugs and kisses and everything else that can translate through here.

Advice (not from me but from my friend that lost little Lucy at birth)

1) before even thinking about ttc allow yourself to grieve Joshua now over and above all else. If you hop straight back on ttc and don't take the time it will hit you down the track and possibly at the worst time, not that there is a good time but now is when it matters most.

2) The docs can give you meds for the physical aspects ie to dry up the milk quickly etc if it hasn't already done so.

3) The average time is 6-8 weeks after the initial post birth (lochia) bleeding stops. At which point I know quite a few people have gone on the pill for a couple of months to regulate and to take the ttc pressure off and just take time out. May be worth considering.

Again massive hugs and love your way and please if it isn't too much to ask can I ask why Joshua was sleeping or is it unexplained - it may sound really selfish but this is now one of my biggest fears with Ziggy - every day scares me.

 

[LLbean]

Maryanne... I have read your post a few times already and I have no words. I try to come up with something good to say but wow...so sorry for your loss

 

[maryanne67]

Oh my gosh, Maryanne, I don't know what to say. I'm so, so sorry and huge hugs and kisses to you and your family. xxxxxx

thanks reb this says it all xxx,,so sorry the ivf didnt work

MARYANNE - I am so sorry



X

thanks garfie xxx

Dear dear Maryanne, this is too horrific to grasp. Poor darling Joshua. You are much in my thoughts and I pray that your immense pain will ease. Your bravery in wanting to try again is admirable, but something I'm sure many of us understand; after my last loss all I wanted to do was feel a baby filling the huge hole left where my baby should've been. Take your comfort from your DH and let him support you and look after you.

thanks spoomie , each week that passes eases a little , thats exactly how i feel and my oh has been brilliant i only hope that he gets as much support from me as he gives me xxx

Maryanne , sending , I truly can'y begin to understand what you are going through but urge to you try to keep positive. My best friend had a smiliar thing happen to her, she went in to be induced to find out her daughter had died and was her first child. She took time out but her period retunred after 8 weeks but like everything we all know everyone is different. Take time to grieve as we all know the rollercoaster TTC is expecially for us older ladies xxxx

thanks booth, i am grieving in my own way and believe it best to let the tears fall to release the grief but i hate to see any1 else upset this then sends me into cheer them up mode i think its my personality that i am always cheerful and have a positive attitude but yes i am taking the time to grieve xxx

Oh no Maryanne. I had been thinking about you too. Like the ladies said I can't begin to imagine how heartbreaking this is for you, I think it is truly everyone's worst nightmare and I have tears for you I can totally imagine that it is difficult for you to do anything but sleep. I can only send my thoughts and prayers to you and your husband and admire you for trying again, and hope in that case that your cycle gets back to normal as soon as possible. Massive

thanks butterfly, xxx

Oh Maryanne love. My thoughts and prayers for you and your OH. I'm so so sorry to hear about Joshua.

Be good to yourself and as others have said let you and your OH be strong for each other when you need to - and at times when you need to sleep/cry/rant/be normal - do it freely too.

I absolutely understand the need to try again soon. Its natural and there's nothing wrong with that it all. Again - so sorry.

thanks misty, xxx

Maryanne, my heart goes right out to you, what you've been through must surely be one of the hardest things a mother and indeed a father have to bear. Fate does deal out some very cruel cards sometimes I hope your body heals quickly and I wish you much strength for your heart and head to get through this dark time

thanks nise ,very true xxx

Maryanne ,I am so very sorry for your awful loss ,it's heartbreaking ,my heart goes out to you and I hope you and your oh can find comfort in each other through this really difficult time.My son was born sleeping at seven months and I had af seven weeks later ,love and prayers sweetie ,thinking of you ,

thanks desperado, so sorry xxx

Hi girls ,it is with buckets of sadness that i tell you , Baby Joshua was born sleeping march 25th weighing 9lb 11oz, i havent been on before because was just too heartbroken to type it out , im still in shock and mostly sleeping my days away, i would however like to try again it is the only thing keeping me sane , my hubby is up for it altho very scared , however i have never been in this situation before i have breastfed all my other children and never had to do the milk coming in and not breastfeeding , i havent had period return yet , its been 5 weeks since, so im in limbo at the moment aswell , do any of you know how long it mite take , im so sorry to bring this to the thread but sure you may have been wondering , good luck every1 x

OMG darling I am so so so so very sorry - I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling and my heart is just breaking for you and your family. This is just such devastating news. I have been stalking for updates cos you were not far behind Glowie. Hugs and kisses and everything else that can translate through here.

Advice (not from me but from my friend that lost little Lucy at birth)

1) before even thinking about ttc allow yourself to grieve Joshua now over and above all else. If you hop straight back on ttc and don't take the time it will hit you down the track and possibly at the worst time, not that there is a good time but now is when it matters most.

2) The docs can give you meds for the physical aspects ie to dry up the milk quickly etc if it hasn't already done so.

3) The average time is 6-8 weeks after the initial post birth (lochia) bleeding stops. At which point I know quite a few people have gone on the pill for a couple of months to regulate and to take the ttc pressure off and just take time out. May be worth considering.

Again massive hugs and love your way and please if it isn't too much to ask can I ask why Joshua was sleeping or is it unexplained - it may sound really selfish but this is now one of my biggest fears with Ziggy - every day scares me.

thanks miss_c xxx, i think the milk has more or less gone ,not sure about contraception as feel time may be against us but am not sure of anything at the moment,,we are waiting for post mortem results nothing shown up as obvious so waiting for toxicology results which can take upto 8 weeks and leaves us in limbo land which is worse not knowing , even then they mite not show anything so mite never know ,so is unexplained at the moment, i have my own thoughts tho that maybe he got stuck , i went into labour at home and by the time ambulance got to me he was born , no sign of life and despite my efforts to revive him and the paramedics once they took over ,he just never responded, my gp says in my explanation it sounds like shoulder dystocia, having read up on this since brings home to me the sadness even more and makes me feel so so guilty and makes the greif unbearable at times but my hubby is here for me and me for him i love him so much, xxx

Maryanne... I have read your post a few times already and I have no words. I try to come up with something good to say but wow...so sorry for your loss

than llbean, i am finding it hard to find the words to answer every1s posts but am taking comfort from the fact that despite not knowing any of you in real life that there are so many of you out there that care , i know if i had to respond i wouldnt know what to say either but thank u for caring enough to try n say something it means alot from all of you to post your sorrow for me ,all i can say is a big thank u xxxxxxx

 

[Barnabibear]

Hi all, I'm new to this and so haven't looked into prettying up anything yet on my profile.

A bit about me....

I've been reading this thread since May last year. I feel like I know you all even though you know nothing of me. I've never thought about adding a post until now, hearing Maryanne's news. Maryanne, I'm so so sorry. The reason I ended up reading this thread was because my beloved Archie was born sleeping in March 2011 at 35 weeks. It was the happiest and saddest day of my life, I was so happy to see my baby boy after talking to him and loving him for 8 months, to hold him, but then there's the realisation that he won't be coming home. Its different for everyone but I can totally understand the need for TTC again. Its what led me hear in the midst of my grief for losing Archie (our first, I was 39 when concieved and turned 40 a month after he was born). Maryanne, if there is anything I can help with/talk about then let me know.

It was a tough journey, after losing him, I had to have another baby. My husband worked away in the middle east and so he returned to his job, we had to make some big decisions, time wasn't on our side, I needed him home to try again. After 6 months he resigned and came home. So September, we started trying. There was so much else going on. His adjusting to being back in the UK, new job etc let alone the pressure of TTC.

After nothing happend for 6 months, we went to a fertility clinic to have a SA and they did an AMH on me. His SA was ok but my AMH was borderline infertile, again more devastation. 2 weeks after that I found out I was pregnant. Oh the joy....we were so happy, on top of the world but nervous of something going wrong and scared. Hospital were brilliant offering me extra scans for reassurance.

On my 9 week reassurance scan found out I had a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks, so had to have a D&C. It was the same scan room, the same sonongrapher, brought back alot of the hurt from Archie.

Now, here I am eagerly hoping that we may get the baby we want if we just stay positive, but I've just turned 41, my AMH is crap.... I'm rattling with all the vitamins but we hope with trepidation that we get pregnant again....

Glowstar and Miss C you have given me hope when I had none. And everyone else, you have made me laugh and cry. It would be lovely to be an active part of your support group here.

 

[Reb S]

Barnabibear, what a journey. Welcome to this thread - this is a great home for you x