TTC 40 plus!! Lets share the ups and downs!

[truly_blessed]

I ran out of IC OPK's - disaster so went to shops and bought a cb digi just cos I could!! How much fun are they!! Got a big empty circle this afternoon but just did a 5 hour hold and got smiley face!! Can't find my cervix either so just told hubby to start thinking dirty thoughts and to stop laughing about last night's escapades!!! We did doggy style last night to speed it up for poor sick hubby. If I am up on all fours all good but as soon as I drop down to my elbows it's all over red rover!! anywhoo he pushed quite hard to make sure they had less distance to travel and I got my head stuck between the bed rails!!! I have a bruise on side of my head today!! Damn torch!!

you don't see that in the joys of sex manual. It's a good job you didn't need to get the fire brigade out ... you didn't did you?

 

[truly_blessed]

We have been doing it doggy style (well to finish) everytime...no luck yet though and your right it's not a pretty sight or position to be in for 20 mins while you try and suck those spermies up I am quite sure OH doesn't mind looking at my arse while we are DTD but to have to stare at it in all it's glory for ages after doesn't bare thinking about

Can you please get ready to pass that torch to me please

It's a showdown of shag-epic proportions this weekend between me, Spoomie and Nise and Reb!!!

Also, glad you prog test came back great Reb!!! something less to worry about x

Spoomie - hope things are getting a bit better at home x x

how did we get onto doggy sex now???

My OH was telling me a friend of his went to a party and, after much persuasion and alcohol, dissappeared upstairs with a friend of the hostess. Anyway he had no condoms so they decided they would, let's say, use an alternative hole, for want of a better phrase.

Now firstly, how on earth do you begin to discuss that one? with a stranger? it's bad enough in that postion with the OH never mind a stranger.

Well they did the deed ... and then he took her mobile phone downstairs whilst she went to the bathroom and proceeded to get someone to 'frape' her on facebook with a staus update '.... has just been bummed'

shocking behaviour and the poor girl didn't realise until the following afternoon

 

[truly_blessed]

oh yes .. and I'm in on the shagathon this weekend as well

 

[GraceFace]

Thank you for the laughs this morning, ladies!

CD 25 and AF is stalling! Come on so I can start temping!

 

[LLbean]

Oh My God Miss_C....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... I am in tears over here laughing at that visual

I tell you, these babies can never say we didn't want them, cause the things we do are unbelievable

 

[Shelley71]

WOW! I missed a few funny posts while I've been looped up on pain pills post surgery! LOLOLOL!

But, I have to add to the doggy-style convo - that is the almost the only way he can get there. He's on a mission to land it missionary style though! I'm kind of glad this cycle is coming to an end though. AF is due Thursday, I didn't ovulate and there is NO way I can prop myself on all fours with this elbow business! Haha

 

[kosh]

I ran out of IC OPK's - disaster so went to shops and bought a cb digi just cos I could!! How much fun are they!! Got a big empty circle this afternoon but just did a 5 hour hold and got smiley face!! Can't find my cervix either so just told hubby to start thinking dirty thoughts and to stop laughing about last night's escapades!!! We did doggy style last night to speed it up for poor sick hubby. If I am up on all fours all good but as soon as I drop down to my elbows it's all over red rover!! anywhoo he pushed quite hard to make sure they had less distance to travel and I got my head stuck between the bed rails!!! I have a bruise on side of my head today!! Damn torch!!

this is priceless!!


(hello all, i'm new to this thread)

 

[pip7890]

Hello Kosh. Good job you're not easily offended!!!! Welcome.

Pip x

 

[Reb S]

You lot, honestly!
Welcome Kosh!
I keep telling newbies this thread is a madhouse - need I say more?!
Hey - Pip - how was your appointment?
x

 

[Spoomie]

Such hilarity, you make me smile Sorry to bring the mood down, but I need you ladies right now. I've told you over last couple of days that relations are a bit strained in our household, slightly improved, but we are far apart right now. I feel he doesn't understand why I am still so out of sorts with myself - and life generally - after mc. He would say it's been almost 5 months now and I need to come out of my hole and re-engage with life. I acknowledge there is much truth in that. If only I could. I feel relieved in an odd way that I have now acknowledged the need to seek bereavement counselling, though that decision in itself has led to an overwhelming sense of renewed grief which is odd and hard to live with. A huge part of me doesn't want to get better because it means letting go of my precious baby. Never in my life have I felt such pain and despair, it feels like it engulfs me and now defines me, I am so traumatised that I feel as though I'll never get back from this point again. It's also hard that everyone around me has forgotten about my loss when I'm so consumed by my misery. Some of you know that I was a pretty serious marathon runner in my former life (!) and my sister texted me at the weekend to ask if I was running London, I can barely put one foot in front of the other However, I know recovery is way overdue and I have to find a way to carry on and live again. My TTC obsession has been a double edged sword; it has, up to this point, distracted me a little from my grief, at the same time, in failing to get pregnant again in the past 5 months it has also grown into a monster in my head. I'm sure I sound incredibly petulant and self indulgent and I probably am because I know that there are many far worse off than I, but, aside from my beautiful boy, I think of little else but my baby's due date. I now don't believe I'll be pregnant by then, if ever.

My chart is the thing that has now tipped me over the edge I think. My CBFM is still showing low on cd10 and my temps have been rising for past few days. I had what appeared to be EWCM on cd6 when I was still spotting and assumed that was just the end stages of my period. Now I'm not so sure. I've never ovulated so early, even since my mc, my cycles have been fairly consistent, which I have counted as a blessing - after such a late mc I imagined they'd be up the spout for longer. I feel today like I have to find a way to get off the ttc wagon, but it's impossible not to temp, take you vits, count the day etc. At the same time it is killing me inside and I need to try to focus on my recovery for a while. At our age, how does one do that when time is so short?

Ladies, I truly apologise for spreading my misery, but this forum, this thread in particular, has become my emotional refuge and I knew you'd listen. Any uplifting words, thoughts, words of wisdom, thoughts on my chart, advice how to ease back would be gratefully received. Love to you all and sorry to ramble, and sorry if I've dragged you down, just didn't know where else to go xxx

 

[pip7890]

First let me give you some big

What you are experiencing is completely normal. I lost my first baby over 15 years ago and I still feel the pain. It will never go away but you will find a way to manage it. I often wonder what if. The thing is we could spend our whole life questioning things that have gone on and before we know it life has passed us by. When I feel consumed by grief I try and concentrate on what I do have and how lucky I am to have those. I also talk to the babies that I have lost - not that i believe they are in heaven as I'm not religious - but to the part of them that is still inside my body.

The added complication for us is that at "our age" time isn't on our side. This creates so much pressure. TTC can become stressful for most couples, but throw in a miscarriage, a ticking clock and a body that won't behave and no wonder things are so difficult for you.

First off, I think you need to have some time to grieve your baby. Speaking to a specialist miscarriage counsellor helped me. Have a look on the miscarriage association website for where you can go for specialist advice.

Next off, try and find ways to relax. It's amazing how much stress can play havoc with our bodies. It sounds like you've always enjoyed running so get your shoes on and go pound that street. Cry with every step if you have to but get it out!

Leave the temping and active TTC for a month. Just a month. Give you and OH a break and concentrate on being the loving couple you are.

There is no instant cure. It is a long hard road and I'm sorry that you're on it. You will get through this I promise, but don't be too hard on yourself.

Sending you even more big

Pip x

 

[Spoomie]

First let me give you some big

What you are experiencing is completely normal. I lost my first baby over 15 years ago and I still feel the pain. It will never go away but you will find a way to manage it. I often wonder what if. The thing is we could spend our whole life questioning things that have gone on and before we know it life has passed us by. When I feel consumed by grief I try and concentrate on what I do have and how lucky I am to have those. I also talk to the babies that I have lost - not that i believe they are in heaven as I'm not religious - but to the part of them that is still inside my body.

The added complication for us is that at "our age" time isn't on our side. This creates so much pressure. TTC can become stressful for most couples, but throw in a miscarriage, a ticking clock and a body that won't behave and no wonder things are so difficult for you.

First off, I think you need to have some time to grieve your baby. Speaking to a specialist miscarriage counsellor helped me. Have a look on the miscarriage association website for where you can go for specialist advice.

Next off, try and find ways to relax. It's amazing how much stress can play havoc with our bodies. It sounds like you've always enjoyed running so get your shoes on and go pound that street. Cry with every step if you have to but get it out!

Leave the temping and active TTC for a month. Just a month. Give you and OH a break and concentrate on being the loving couple you are.

There is no instant cure. It is a long hard road and I'm sorry that you're on it. You will get through this I promise, but don't be too hard on yourself.

Sending you even more big

Pip x

Bless you Pip, wise words. It is my 3rd mc, and I handled the others 'well' in comparison to this - which isn't saying much! Undoubtedly exacerbated by the fact I thought I'd passed 12 weeks and was into safe territory, I had taken my eye of the ball and started to dream so this has knocked me for six and I feel the only way I'll recover is to be pregnant again. Not happening. Will do my utmost to take a month off, it's such a tall order though, this has been my fix and my crutch up to now, the void may just be too big. I'm certain the counsellor will help, if I allow them to. Thanks for caring x

 

[LLbean]

Such hilarity, you make me smile Sorry to bring the mood down, but I need you ladies right now. I've told you over last couple of days that relations are a bit strained in our household, slightly improved, but we are far apart right now. I feel he doesn't understand why I am still so out of sorts with myself - and life generally - after mc. He would say it's been almost 5 months now and I need to come out of my hole and re-engage with life. I acknowledge there is much truth in that. If only I could. I feel relieved in an odd way that I have now acknowledged the need to seek bereavement counselling, though that decision in itself has led to an overwhelming sense of renewed grief which is odd and hard to live with. A huge part of me doesn't want to get better because it means letting go of my precious baby. Never in my life have I felt such pain and despair, it feels like it engulfs me and now defines me, I am so traumatised that I feel as though I'll never get back from this point again. It's also hard that everyone around me has forgotten about my loss when I'm so consumed by my misery. Some of you know that I was a pretty serious marathon runner in my former life (!) and my sister texted me at the weekend to ask if I was running London, I can barely put one foot in front of the other However, I know recovery is way overdue and I have to find a way to carry on and live again. My TTC obsession has been a double edged sword; it has, up to this point, distracted me a little from my grief, at the same time, in failing to get pregnant again in the past 5 months it has also grown into a monster in my head. I'm sure I sound incredibly petulant and self indulgent and I probably am because I know that there are many far worse off than I, but, aside from my beautiful boy, I think of little else but my baby's due date. I now don't believe I'll be pregnant by then, if ever.

My chart is the thing that has now tipped me over the edge I think. My CBFM is still showing low on cd10 and my temps have been rising for past few days. I had what appeared to be EWCM on cd6 when I was still spotting and assumed that was just the end stages of my period. Now I'm not so sure. I've never ovulated so early, even since my mc, my cycles have been fairly consistent, which I have counted as a blessing - after such a late mc I imagined they'd be up the spout for longer. I feel today like I have to find a way to get off the ttc wagon, but it's impossible not to temp, take you vits, count the day etc. At the same time it is killing me inside and I need to try to focus on my recovery for a while. At our age, how does one do that when time is so short?

Ladies, I truly apologise for spreading my misery, but this forum, this thread in particular, has become my emotional refuge and I knew you'd listen. Any uplifting words, thoughts, words of wisdom, thoughts on my chart, advice how to ease back would be gratefully received. Love to you all and sorry to ramble, and sorry if I've dragged you down, just didn't know where else to go xxx

Well let me chime in. First of all I am terribly sorry for our loss...I can only imagine what you must be going through HOWEVER you need to get yourself back to wellness or you won't be able to have another baby my friend...I know it is easier said than done but as a personal trainer I can tell you that our emotional state messes up our system more that our diets do. MAKE yourself get out of the house and exercise, do whatever it takes to feel good, even if just for a brief moment... before you know it more and more of those "feel good" moments will come along. Try to keep yourself distracted. Go out with friends for coffee or something. You are far from "out of time" and don't you dare let anyone tell you that you are. YOU and only you control your body...now get it healthy for you.

You know how on airplanes they instruct you that if the oxygen mask should fall you need to "place it on yourself before assisting others"? LIFE is that way too. We love to put others first but in actuality, by doing that we are putting them last because if you are not ok and healthy you really can not offer much to others (and yes, I mean a baby too) so PLEASE try to stay focused on you now and get out. Fresh air, sunshine, running...whatever it takes. Get yourself some beautiful flowers, perhaps a mani-pedi...simple things...but do it, start turning that corner because that little bean wants to come into your life...but it only will when you are ready and well.

We are here for you. Keep your chin up!

 

[Reb S]

Oh Spoomie,
I'm so sorry you're feeling rubbish.
Pip - your advice is wonderful and I can hardly add to it x
It's really hard when you feel like your body has let you down and that your life is not necessarily going to contain the family that you wish so deeply for -sometimes I have momentary utter panic that I've completely screwed it up - the only advice I can give is to try to find any tiny grains of joy anywhere you can. That means with your OH, making time for the giving and receiving of love; spotting beautiful things in this wonderful spring we're having - any tiny steps you can make to lifting your depression. You can be happy again, I promise! What Pip said about talking to her babies also makes a lot of sense to me - I only really began to relate to my Ben when they told me the scan was a bit off - then I began a relationship with him which I still have today, and a relationship not based on sadness and regret but on love. I hope that seeing your counsellor will begin to help and - we're here for you to lean on us x

 

[pip7890]

Beautifully said LLBean.



Pip x

 

[pip7890]

Spoomie. Putting my neck out and saying I speak on behalf of the others but we do care. You're our Spoomie and we can't have you feeling so down. There's some good advice coming out here so try and take one or two pieces on board.



Pip x

 

[Spoomie]

Well let me chime in. First of all I am terribly sorry for our loss...I can only imagine what you must be going through HOWEVER you need to get yourself back to wellness or you won't be able to have another baby my friend...I know it is easier said than done but as a personal trainer I can tell you that our emotional state messes up our system more that our diets do. MAKE yourself get out of the house and exercise, do whatever it takes to feel good, even if just for a brief moment... before you know it more and more of those "feel good" moments will come along. Try to keep yourself distracted. Go out with friends for coffee or something. You are far from "out of time" and don't you dare let anyone tell you that you are. YOU and only you control your body...now get it healthy for you.

You know how on airplanes they instruct you that if the oxygen mask should fall you need to "place it on yourself before assisting others"? LIFE is that way too. We love to put others first but in actuality, by doing that we are putting them last because if you are not ok and healthy you really can not offer much to others (and yes, I mean a baby too) so PLEASE try to stay focused on you now and get out. Fresh air, sunshine, running...whatever it takes. Get yourself some beautiful flowers, perhaps a mani-pedi...simple things...but do it, start turning that corner because that little bean wants to come into your life...but it only will when you are ready and well.

We are here for you. Keep your chin up!

Thanks so much Elizabeth, We sound like we are on the same page re: exercise being the key to wellbeing, I know that running makes me feel better and the past few weeks I have been trying. Unfortunately I feel so unfit as haven't really run since discovering I was pregnant last September. I will persevere, I know it will get some endorphins flowing again. It is good to hear you say that the emotional state is important, I have definitely been neglecting that and will try harder. Conversely, I have been living like I am still pregnant in terms of eating and drinking - no coffee, only green tea, no alcohol, pretty much living like a nun, aside form the all important bding Today, I decided that I had to stop. I had coffee this morning and we went out for an early supper to celebrate the anniversary of my husband business where I had a glass of champagne and a glass of wine for the first time in months. It felt good.

Thanks so much for caring, I will try hard to keep your advice in mind xx

 

[Nise]

Okay Spoomie - so the first positive is that we are both on CD10 and neither of us have O'd yet - that in itself if a very good thing. Hopefully we will hold off o'ing for a least another couple of days coz the last thing we need is immature eggies. So don't panic on that and the EWCM you saw on CD6 most likely was to do with AF rather than fertile CM. The one comfort you should take from all this is the fact that you can conceive, so you now know that there is nothing wrong with either you or your OH - it is just a matter of time.

With regard to the MC - only time is gonna make that one easier, you're never gonna completely forget or fully accept but it will become easier - 5 months isn't really that long, especially as it's well documented recently that it takes the average woman a year to come to terms with her MC. I think for us on here it is possibly harder as we have tried to hard to get pg in the first place and we are so aware of the developing fetus and how fast it grows - so it becomes a little human very early on for us. Also with any other death we go through a funeral, something that celebrates the life of a person, that I think is a very important part of closing a chapter and it's something that is denied a woman who has mc. I am glad you're getting councilling and I hope it helps. I didn't have councilling but I am a musician and wrote a song which released many of my feelings. I didn't know the sex but I named him/her 'Tuesday; - no idea why but it just fitted. I am a true believer in the fact that emotions need to be faced in order to first be realised and then healed and the fact that you are seeking help shows that you are facing it. Maybe you could do something to mark the existence of your lo, something that symbolises things for you - maybe even something simple like planting a beautiful plant that flowers around the time of your mc - something that is very personal to you - other people don't matter at all. What they say, what they think, what they do - don't let any of them make you feel guilty for your sorrow. They are gonna move on with their lives coz they have to - nobody truly understands something that hasn't happened to them. You will move on with yours too, but it will be at a pace that is right for you and not to anyone elses time scale or expectations, so allow yourself that grace and you will move on eventually.

 

[Spoomie]

Oh Spoomie,
I'm so sorry you're feeling rubbish.
Pip - your advice is wonderful and I can hardly add to it x
It's really hard when you feel like your body has let you down and that your life is not necessarily going to contain the family that you wish so deeply for -sometimes I have momentary utter panic that I've completely screwed it up - the only advice I can give is to try to find any tiny grains of joy anywhere you can. That means with your OH, making time for the giving and receiving of love; spotting beautiful things in this wonderful spring we're having - any tiny steps you can make to lifting your depression. You can be happy again, I promise! What Pip said about talking to her babies also makes a lot of sense to me - I only really began to relate to my Ben when they told me the scan was a bit off - then I began a relationship with him which I still have today, and a relationship not based on sadness and regret but on love. I hope that seeing your counsellor will begin to help and - we're here for you to lean on us x

Thanks so much Reb, I know you are also dealing with your own pain as your precious Ben's due date approaches and I am touched that you can make room for my pain. I can totally relate to the feelings of utter panic that you describe. I think today I reached a place where I feel I have to start moving forward and escaping the depression, hard as that is because it means leaving my baby behind. I hope this doesn't upset anyone, but that idea of deserting him/her is so hard: we saw our little one as the mc drew to its ghastly conclusion and then the porter who was taking me to the ward asked, "Do you have all your belongings?", words I will never forget and planting the seed of feeling that I was abandoning my baby. The fact that the hospital threw him/her away with the rubbish haunts me and makes me feel guilty that I didn't do enough. Getting off the subject again, sorry. Yes, tomorrow I will look for some beauty in the world around me and try to focus on the joy I have instead of the sorrow. xxx

 

[Spoomie]

Okay Spoomie - so the first positive is that we are both on CD10 and neither of us have O'd yet - that in itself if a very good thing. Hopefully we will hold off o'ing for a least another couple of days coz the last thing we need is immature eggies. So don't panic on that and the EWCM you saw on CD6 most likely was to do with AF rather than fertile CM. The one comfort you should take from all this is the fact that you can conceive, so you now know that there is nothing wrong with either you or your OH - it is just a matter of time.

With regard to the MC - only time is gonna make that one easier, you're never gonna completely forget or fully accept but it will become easier - 5 months isn't really that long, especially as it's well documented recently that it takes the average woman a year to come to terms with her MC. I think for us on here it is possibly harder as we have tried to hard to get pg in the first place and we are so aware of the developing fetus and how fast it grows - so it becomes a little human very early on for us. Also with any other death we go through a funeral, something that celebrates the life of a person, that I think is a very important part of closing a chapter and it's something that is denied a woman who has mc. I am glad you're getting councilling and I hope it helps. I didn't have councilling but I am a musician and wrote a song which released many of my feelings. I didn't know the sex but I named him/her 'Tuesday; - no idea why but it just fitted. I am a true believer in the fact that emotions need to be faced in order to first be realised and then healed and the fact that you are seeking help shows that you are facing it. Maybe you could do something to mark the existence of your lo, something that symbolises things for you - maybe even something simple like planting a beautiful plant that flowers around the time of your mc - something that is very personal to you - other people don't matter at all. What they say, what they think, what they do - don't let any of them make you feel guilty for your sorrow. They are gonna move on with their lives coz they have to - nobody truly understands something that hasn't happened to them. You will move on with yours too, but it will be at a pace that is right for you and not to anyone elses time scale or expectations, so allow yourself that grace and you will move on eventually.

Bless you Nise, I will try to focus on the fact that we have yet to ovulate and will pray for a high reading on CBFM tomorrow.

Your idea of writing a song is beautiful. I fear that not much flowers in November, but I love the idea of making a lasting memorial, somewhere special for me and my baby to go. You are also right that being unable to acknowledge our loss through mc makes it so hard to close. I had told only a handful of people when I was pregnant but felt I had to tell more after I lost because I was bereft and couldn't cope with not sharing my loss.

I'm off to bed now but I am so so thankful for you all and for your words of comfort and support, this is a truly special community. xxx