TTC 40 plus!! Lets share the ups and downs!

[Glowstar]

I've been in absolute bits reading all this

Spoomie I wish I could add to what the others have said but I really can't, I think they have said everything beautifully. I hope the cloud lifts soon and you start to feel better x

 

[Miss_C]

Spoomie Twinny My Love, hugs hugs and more hugs, I ditto everything everyone else has said but I do however has one other thing to add. It has helped me tremendously.

I have always believed that our children pick us and they choose when to come. This was even before I had Jake I had this belief.

I have empathised with people before and been sorry for their losses etc but unless you have been there describing the depth of that pain and where that cry that we sometimes do comes from is simply not possible. Do we ever get over the pain I don't think so, does a place like this help - hell yeah. The pain is still raw today and I am crying as I type this cos it is always just below the surface wth a skin as thin as an onion layer covering it.

I'm not sure if this will help but I don't look at a miscarriage as that baby is lost forever, I believe it is a soul trying to get through and it is a difficult journey and it will be the same soul that comes back. We named our little bubble ziggy when we were ttc after a zygote the fertilised egg stage! We lost ziggy at12w1d on 6th Feb, we are now trying to bring ziggy back and making the path as smooth as possible, I am taking my prenatals, doing soy iso's, losing weight, exercising and generally doing as much as humanly possible to bring back this little soul. Therefore we have never said goodbye, ziggy is always here with us and is on the journey to cross to this side and take on a human form.

Looking back I don't think I was really ready when we fell pregnant. I had just been made redundant and I think it was the loss of the stresses that jb entailed that gave that final oompg to get up the duff so to speak. I was working with people with disabilities, mainky mental health and it was affecting me more than I thought. I am now in a very good headspace, feeling much healthier, the day we conceived ziggy I had a massive tooth infection and was pumped full of painkillers and antibiotics.

I now have a renewed sense of wellbeing, have a new job and a strong belief that ziggy is not too far away now.

I saw my GP and a psychologist cos he said I was depressed (no sh!t sherlock) and had anxiety cos I was having panic attacks etc. Acknowledging I needed help was pretty much all the trigger I needed in some ways. I still get anxious but to a lesser degree and can feel an attack coming and have learnt to control them. I only saw the psychologist once cos I do talk about things, I don't bottle them up any way and I knew what was wrong with me so I really didnlt feel the sesisons would help me. I am just one of those people that has to do things for myself or it simply doesn't work for me.

Anywhoo I just want you to know you are NOT alone, I know this is only a computer screen talking to you but my friend I do feel your pain and if you want to talk on msn or skype even and see each other I could do that.

Just a thought have you asked hubby just to sit down and listen and not say anything and tell him how you feel. let it all out. AND THEN BEFORE he says anything ask him to tell you how he is feeling, he lost his baby too and maybe he hasn't fully acknowledged that yet. My hubby said the hardest thing for him was not undertsandingm how I was physically feeling and seeing how in pain I was both physically and emotionally and he couldnlt do a damn thing to help. That's the male psyche, they have to fix things and when they can't they get frustrated.

Anywhoo I really believe all I have said about ti being the same soul etc and it and may help you if you think about it this way. I know people feel guilty about ttc again and by acknowledging that the baby isn't gone and needs your help to come back will ease that burden.

Honey big hugs again and if you are still here at the end of this ramble well done!!!

 

[Reb S]

Miss C you're wonderful and I love this thread! x

 

[Spoomie]

Spoomie Twinny My Love, hugs hugs and more hugs, I ditto everything everyone else has said but I do however has one other thing to add. It has helped me tremendously.

I have always believed that our children pick us and they choose when to come. This was even before I had Jake I had this belief.

I have empathised with people before and been sorry for their losses etc but unless you have been there describing the depth of that pain and where that cry that we sometimes do comes from is simply not possible. Do we ever get over the pain I don't think so, does a place like this help - hell yeah. The pain is still raw today and I am crying as I type this cos it is always just below the surface wth a skin as thin as an onion layer covering it.

I'm not sure if this will help but I don't look at a miscarriage as that baby is lost forever, I believe it is a soul trying to get through and it is a difficult journey and it will be the same soul that comes back. We named our little bubble ziggy when we were ttc after a zygote the fertilised egg stage! We lost ziggy at12w1d on 6th Feb, we are now trying to bring ziggy back and making the path as smooth as possible, I am taking my prenatals, doing soy iso's, losing weight, exercising and generally doing as much as humanly possible to bring back this little soul. Therefore we have never said goodbye, ziggy is always here with us and is on the journey to cross to this side and take on a human form.

Looking back I don't think I was really ready when we fell pregnant. I had just been made redundant and I think it was the loss of the stresses that jb entailed that gave that final oompg to get up the duff so to speak. I was working with people with disabilities, mainky mental health and it was affecting me more than I thought. I am now in a very good headspace, feeling much healthier, the day we conceived ziggy I had a massive tooth infection and was pumped full of painkillers and antibiotics.

I now have a renewed sense of wellbeing, have a new job and a strong belief that ziggy is not too far away now.

I saw my GP and a psychologist cos he said I was depressed (no sh!t sherlock) and had anxiety cos I was having panic attacks etc. Acknowledging I needed help was pretty much all the trigger I needed in some ways. I still get anxious but to a lesser degree and can feel an attack coming and have learnt to control them. I only saw the psychologist once cos I do talk about things, I don't bottle them up any way and I knew what was wrong with me so I really didnlt feel the sesisons would help me. I am just one of those people that has to do things for myself or it simply doesn't work for me.

Anywhoo I just want you to know you are NOT alone, I know this is only a computer screen talking to you but my friend I do feel your pain and if you want to talk on msn or skype even and see each other I could do that.

Just a thought have you asked hubby just to sit down and listen and not say anything and tell him how you feel. let it all out. AND THEN BEFORE he says anything ask him to tell you how he is feeling, he lost his baby too and maybe he hasn't fully acknowledged that yet. My hubby said the hardest thing for him was not undertsandingm how I was physically feeling and seeing how in pain I was both physically and emotionally and he couldnlt do a damn thing to help. That's the male psyche, they have to fix things and when they can't they get frustrated.

Anywhoo I really believe all I have said about ti being the same soul etc and it and may help you if you think about it this way. I know people feel guilty about ttc again and by acknowledging that the baby isn't gone and needs your help to come back will ease that burden.

Honey big hugs again and if you are still here at the end of this ramble well done!!!

Dear Miss_C, this is exquisitely beautiful and helps immeasurably. I think that imagining my baby's soul as not gone, but still on its journey to meet me is perfect. I also think I have felt so bad this past few days because I have finally acknowledged the need for counselling. We cleared the air a bit last night but your suggestion to sit down and speak with OH is also a good one. I was thinking I may show him my entry on the thread and all your fantastic replies.

Ladies, you cannot know how much all your wonderful kind words have helped me and I am sorry that I have upset some of you along the way by bringing back sad memories for you. Today is a beautiful day and I am looking for beautiful things again to help me see the good around me. I think I will continue to chart this cycle because it is the last chance to be pregnant before my baby's due date (although my chart is weird and I think I may have ovulated extremely early and missed the bd opportunities anyway because my temps are looking decidedly post ovulatory to me) and then I may *try* to take a month off. You are amazing, thanks a million xxxx

 

[samiam]

Spoomie: Aw. Hon. It's downright horrid some days. But everyone has said super smart things about it. I was thinking last night, that it's a lot like running a long race. If you believe that the wall is there, it gets bigger and harder and more painful. Maybe you could try to use some of your mental long-run strategies here? As in, breathe, relax, be in the moment and try not to view it so much as a finish line, but a process. At least, that's what I am going to do (I run half-marathons). And I love Miss C's views on it. I need to hold onto those ideas myself. Hang in there.

AFM: Welp, I've been trying to post all morning and the site keeps crashing. Fits my mood, really. So, tested this morning and BFN. I'm okay with that, as the doc yesterday said that he thinks I did O on cd15, so now I am on 13dpo and that's a nice stable looking cycle, so that's something. And so far, no signs of the witch. Interesting. The temps for the cd1-9 were wonky because (as OH reminded me) we were visiting friends and sleeping in a super hot room. I wish I had showed him the damned chart earlier so I wouldn't have spent these last two weeks wigging out.

Doctor news is this: 1) I'm old (really? That's news?) and so it's going to be hard; 2) I need to wait 5-12 days after this AF and get a hysterosalpingogram to see if everything's open in there; 3) I need to stop taking my anti-androgen meds and then wait through the next cycle before having bloods taken. So we're on a bit of a delay here, which will give me some time to calm the f down and work on my acupuncture and herbal treatments.

Acupuncture news is this: She thinks I am still carrying trapped grief from the little barnacle that I lost in November. Really? You think? But she is lovely and so we're working on spleen, liver and blood. The spleen needles flippin hurt (which shows how much I needed them). And last night, I slept well for the first time in a while and had a bit of a temp rise this morning, which probably means that AF is on her way (I know, I am freakishly backward with my temps).

I hope you all are well and that those snatches have bonfires in 'em by now. I'm going to try to post this before the site crashes again.

 

[LLbean]

good to know I am not the only one with the crashes!

Just noticed you added me to your TTC buddies Samian...thanks

yes, guess you and me are both "chillin' " for a bit, and if it happens then GREAT!

 

[LLbean]

double post due to BNB glitches today ugh

 

[ciarhwyfar]

I am only online about every other day right now and sometimes not for long but I am catching up when I get in here.

Spoomie, I have nothing to add to what these wonderful ladies have said except that we are here for you and never hesitate to drop a line when you need a helping hand or shoulder to cry on.

Good luck with the torch, ladies!

 

[Reb S]

Evening all,
Spoomie, glad that you are feeling a little better x
Miss C - just peeked at your chart. Hmm. Looking good, i must say! Whaddya think of mine? I want a 36.8 or 9 tomorrow!
Samiam - good news from all fronts, glad everything went well and that you can look forwards x
Ciarhwyfar - hello! How's things in the pregnancy threads? Have you seen our Garnet?! Send her our love x

 

[Reb S]

PS someone fix BnB -it's getting really annoying!!!

 

[Spoomie]

Spoomie: Aw. Hon. It's downright horrid some days. But everyone has said super smart things about it. I was thinking last night, that it's a lot like running a long race. If you believe that the wall is there, it gets bigger and harder and more painful. Maybe you could try to use some of your mental long-run strategies here? As in, breathe, relax, be in the moment and try not to view it so much as a finish line, but a process. At least, that's what I am going to do (I run half-marathons). And I love Miss C's views on it. I need to hold onto those ideas myself. Hang in there.

AFM: Welp, I've been trying to post all morning and the site keeps crashing. Fits my mood, really. So, tested this morning and BFN. I'm okay with that, as the doc yesterday said that he thinks I did O on cd15, so now I am on 13dpo and that's a nice stable looking cycle, so that's something. And so far, no signs of the witch. Interesting. The temps for the cd1-9 were wonky because (as OH reminded me) we were visiting friends and sleeping in a super hot room. I wish I had showed him the damned chart earlier so I wouldn't have spent these last two weeks wigging out.

Doctor news is this: 1) I'm old (really? That's news?) and so it's going to be hard; 2) I need to wait 5-12 days after this AF and get a hysterosalpingogram to see if everything's open in there; 3) I need to stop taking my anti-androgen meds and then wait through the next cycle before having bloods taken. So we're on a bit of a delay here, which will give me some time to calm the f down and work on my acupuncture and herbal treatments.

Acupuncture news is this: She thinks I am still carrying trapped grief from the little barnacle that I lost in November. Really? You think? But she is lovely and so we're working on spleen, liver and blood. The spleen needles flippin hurt (which shows how much I needed them). And last night, I slept well for the first time in a while and had a bit of a temp rise this morning, which probably means that AF is on her way (I know, I am freakishly backward with my temps).

I hope you all are well and that those snatches have bonfires in 'em by now. I'm going to try to post this before the site crashes again.

Thank you Samian. Great to know that you 'get' the running thing. Your analogy is good. Personally, I used to hate any distance below 10 miles as I only start getting into my stride then. Not a great thought that this is going to be a marathon journey - I was hoping to pull out at halfway due to the fact that I was pregnant Seriously, I feel so strong when I'm running well but I feel so weak right now

Glad to hear that you had a positive experience with the acupuncturist, it's next on my list - after my month off ttc (see my earlier post!) - though I'm wondering how I go about finding an acupuncturist who specialises in fertility? Any ideas in SW London/Surrey anyone??? It feels like your Dr meeting was less positive? Conventional medicine seems to imply that we are a bit old to be invested in too heavily, do you think? Still, they are doing something. Stay hopeful xxx

 

[Spoomie]

Yes BnB is not in a good place today, difficult to know if your message will actually post or not. Frustrating.

Conversely, a much better day for me today, you cannot know how much your words helped me last night and this morning. I know that it must've been difficult reading and I apologise if I upset anyone beyond thinking 'Poor Spoomie' (your responses indicate you felt much more than that), I just needed to say it before I went into breakdown and to get some support. You did not disappoint and I am truly moved that you don't even know me (in a real life sense) and yet you were so giving. We are all on a terribly emotional journey and the final destination can feel so far away, I pray we all arrive, and that I can help you all as much as you have helped me.

Anyway, my beautiful things for today:

the feeling of the sun on my skin
the amazing cherry blossom tree in my garden
the sound of my precious boy laughing in the paddling pool
the smell of my mushroom risotto cooking
the taste of champagne - for the second night in a row!!!

Can't recall whose idea it was (I think it may have been Pip's....edit, sorry RebS) but I like it and will carry on tomorrow and beyond until the good bits of my day start to join up with each other. Anyone???

Love and big snuggles to you all xxxxxxx

 

[LLbean]

Yes BnB is not in a good place today, difficult to know if your message will actually post or not. Frustrating.

Conversely, a much better day for me today, you cannot know how much your words helped me last night and this morning. I know that it must've been difficult reading and I apologise if I upset anyone beyond thinking 'Poor Spoomie' (your responses indicate you felt much more than that), I just needed to say it before I went into breakdown and to get some support. You did not disappoint and I am truly moved that you don't even know me (in a real life sense) and yet you were so giving. We are all on a terribly emotional journey and the final destination can feel so far away, I pray we all arrive, and that I can help you all as much as you have helped me.

Anyway, my beautiful things for today:

the feeling of the sun on my skin
the amazing cherry blossom tree in my garden
the sound of my precious boy laughing in the paddling pool
the smell of my mushroom risotto cooking
the taste of champagne - for the second night in a row!!!

Can't recall whose idea it was (I think it may have been Pip's....edit, sorry RebS) but I like it and will carry on tomorrow and beyond until the good bits of my day start to join up with each other. Anyone???

Love and big snuggles to you all xxxxxxx

I am SO HAPPY you are making a list of the things that make you happy... I call mine the Grateful list!

Keep at it and things will turn around for you!!!

...oh, and on running, I know how it is... but you have to push yourself a little each day...before you know it you will be back to running as much as before if not more! You are doing great. Awesome job!!!!

 

[samiam]

Thank you Samian. Great to know that you 'get' the running thing. Your analogy is good. Personally, I used to hate any distance below 10 miles as I only start getting into my stride then. Not a great thought that this is going to be a marathon journey - I was hoping to pull out at halfway due to the fact that I was pregnant Seriously, I feel so strong when I'm running well but I feel so weak right now

Glad to hear that you had a positive experience with the acupuncturist, it's next on my list - after my month off ttc (see my earlier post!) - though I'm wondering how I go about finding an acupuncturist who specialises in fertility? Any ideas in SW London/Surrey anyone??? It feels like your Dr meeting was less positive? Conventional medicine seems to imply that we are a bit old to be invested in too heavily, do you think? Still, they are doing something. Stay hopeful xxx

Spoomie: I didn't mean to seem discouraging at all. In fact, I thought about it while on my afternoon walk/run today and what I really meant is that we (you and I) should try to remember how great it feels putting one step in front of the other, all the while knowing that eventually we will cross the finish line. If we focus on the wall, we're going to stress out and stress and TTC just don't go together. EVERYONE has been telling me that and something just finally clicked while I was at the acupuncturist. I'm planning to spend more time doing yoga and listening to my circle and bloom fertility meditation cd and laughing as much as I possibly can. I'm going to do something GREAT for myself every frickin' day. So that's what I meant. Just enjoy the run for the sake of running. And I ADORE your good things list. If you would like me to ask my Scottish acupuncturist for a London reference (he is from London originally), I am more than happy to do so. The Doctor wasn't completely negative. He was pleased that I am fit and don't drink caffeine or smoke or do drugs and that my mother had her last child at 42, so the genetics are good, I suppose. Anyway, I am sending you a big hug from one former-and-trying-to-get-back-there runner. Do a run/walk program to get back into it, maybe. That's what I am doing and I tell you, it's kicking my ass! Plus, as a runner, your body is probably going mad from the lack of endorphins. They do seem to change my entire world.

AFM: Well, perfect cycle girl here. Day 15 O, Day 28 spotting. AF will be here in earnest sometime this evening or tomorrow. This gives me some hope! Started taking NAC and Maca today. Should be interesting to see what happens. to you all!

 

[samiam]

good to know I am not the only one with the crashes!

Just noticed you added me to your TTC buddies Samian...thanks

yes, guess you and me are both "chillin' " for a bit, and if it happens then GREAT!

You're welcome!

Yep--We are chillin'. I'm going to get back into my running and meditation and just see what happens. OH is gone now for the next twelve days, so I'm sure we'll get some hot missed-you humping in when he gets back here. And, from all of the things I've read about the HSG test, many many women get knocked up the same cycle after having that done. I guess it can potentially "clear" the pathways. So who knows. I'm just trying to stay calm and relaxed about it all. No more stress!

 

[samiam]

Ladies,

In the interest of keeping us all laughing, which is good for fertility, I offer you this madhouse of a web site. And no, I wasn't just doing this very thing. But really, maybe AF hasn't arrived for reals yet.

https://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2...-gotten-your-period-but-you-are-still-unsure/

 

[Reb S]

Ha ha Sam! Love it!!!
My temps gone down again (still above coverline) so hope fading...was hoping earlier dip had been implantation and now it would shoot up. Bummer.

 

[samiam]

Ha ha Sam! Love it!!!
My temps gone down again (still above coverline) so hope fading...was hoping earlier dip had been implantation and now it would shoot up. Bummer.

Reb: Definite bummer! Silly hag. . .

 

[GraceFace]

Sorry ladies, but I've been really self absorbed these last few days. I tend to get this way just before AF shows and I just don't have much left over for anything or anyone else. I guess it's a defense mechanism I've learned over the years. Pathetic and selfish, I know.

I'm on CD 27 today and no AF yet. My last cycle was 24 days long and the previous cycles before that were only 21 and 22 days long. Neg urine test last night at work, but had to run to ER before the time was up and when I was able to look again there was a very faint line. I figured it was an evap, but just in case I ran a beta and it was neg also.

This morning I feel a dull ache, but no AF yet. She'll probably show up soon. I have mixed emotions at this point. On one hand, the longer cycles could be my body finally leveling off after depo. I'm really interested to see what happens with BBT this next cycle. On the other hand, maybe I just shot myself into perimenopause with that stupid depo shot and this is point where my cycles start lengthening. The unknown is so very upsetting...

 

[LLbean]

Sorry ladies, but I've been really self absorbed these last few days. I tend to get this way just before AF shows and I just don't have much left over for anything or anyone else. I guess it's a defense mechanism I've learned over the years. Pathetic and selfish, I know.

I'm on CD 27 today and no AF yet. My last cycle was 24 days long and the previous cycles before that were only 21 and 22 days long. Neg urine test last night at work, but had to run to ER before the time was up and when I was able to look again there was a very faint line. I figured it was an evap, but just in case I ran a beta and it was neg also.

This morning I feel a dull ache, but no AF yet. She'll probably show up soon. I have mixed emotions at this point. On one hand, the longer cycles could be my body finally leveling off after depo. I'm really interested to see what happens with BBT this next cycle. On the other hand, maybe I just shot myself into perimenopause with that stupid depo shot and this is point where my cycles start lengthening. The unknown is so very upsetting...

I would get menopause out of that head real quick... you are FINE... hang in there, our bodies adjust to everything.