TTC but angry at in-laws

[babyzoe]

I've been over in WTT for almost two years and it's now time to TTC. I'm so ready for a baby but wouldn't you know it my in-laws made me so angry in the past few weeks. And I'm not talking about, you-ate-my-cookie angry, I mean the real-deal, trust violation, privacy violation, you name it, kinda angry. I really want to have a child with DH but I'm not sure I want to be involved with the in-laws anymore...well, more than I have to.

Is anyone else in the same boat....as in, not on speaking terms with the in-laws...how do you deal?

 

[popchick75]

Well, you have a few choices to make.

First off, how does DH feel about this? Is it a situation where he is going to have to chose between his wife and his family? If he doesn't want to do that, you are going to have to prepare yourself for them being involved in your life. You can't have a child with someone and then not allow them to share the child with their family if they clearly want to do that. Even if DH chooses you and the baby over his family, there is going to be a *lot* of resentment coming from several different directions.

The other option is to not have a baby with him. I would hate to see you let people you don't even like to have such an influence over what direction you want your life to go in. It's the equivalent to wanting someone to die, but swallowing the poison yourself. It will hurt you a lot more than it will hurt them.

A third option would be to continue to let them be involved in your life, but only superficially. It will be harder to hurt someone if the only conversations you are having with them are about the weather or the sports scores.

I am not nuts about OH's parents either. I have a set number of things i will talk about with them. If the topics get off course and into areas i don't wish to discuss, i steer the conversation back to something more appropriate. The best way to change the subject is to give a compliment (even if you don't mean it)....'Is that new since we've been here last?, Do you have any suggestions for dinner recipes?'. People are usually more than happy to drop what they are talking about if the conversation makes a turn and is now focused on something wonderful about themselves.

 

[babyzoe]

Thank you for you calm response. Sometimes I feel like a raging b*tch overreacting over nothing, but then I think about each thing they've done in the short few weeks and I come back to the same conclusion: they really screwed the pooch on this one.

First off, how does DH feel about this? Is it a situation where he is going to have to chose between his wife and his family? If he doesn't want to do that, you are going to have to prepare yourself for them being involved in your life. You can't have a child with someone and then not allow them to share the child with their family if they clearly want to do that. Even if DH chooses you and the baby over his family, there is going to be a *lot* of resentment coming from several different directions.

Obviously, he doesn't like the idea...of course, I haven't really broached it with him yet. I want to get my BFP before having the discussion. (Deceitful, I know, but I'm not tricking him into fatherhood, so I like to consider it a gray area). And I'm okay with resentment from his family. Even a tenth of the stress/pain/tears I had to endure due to them wouldn't be anywhere close to what they'd feel if I cut them out of 90% of my life. I know they'd want to see the baby and I haven't thought that far in advance, all I know is I'm not even happy about the thought of announcing a BFP to them anymore, and I don't want them at my baby shower.

A third option would be to continue to let them be involved in your life, but only superficially. It will be harder to hurt someone if the only conversations you are having with them are about the weather or the sports scores.

I don't think they'd get the hint. With my luck they'd think I was genuinely interested in what kind of flowers she's gardening. LOL.

I don't know...it's just..I've spent over 8 years trying to be a part of that family, giving up holidays, parties, MY HONEYMOON, to help them out. And then they go and walk all over me. Each of them. Even DH. And know that I want to have a baby all I can think about is why the he** am I trying so hard to appease them. I shouldn't have to bend over backwards to get them to like me and fear that I'll burn bridges if I don't oblige. It's just way too much.

 

[popchick75]

It sounds like you've given all of the options some consideration

I can only encourage you to discuss it with DH before the BFP gets here. Remember,
as bad as their craziness and interference is now, it will be 100 times worse once you are pregnant, plus, with all of the raging hormones, you will be less able to deal with it. As hard as it is on you (believe me, i *do* understand), it is harder on DH because he's fighting the battle on both fronts (you plus his parents) and playing referee. I'm guessing that's not what he envisioned when he thought of starting a family At the very least, maybe sit down with him and set up some boundaries.

 

[krissie328]

We (both DH and I) don't speak much to his parents. We have coped by moving a state away and having biweekly scheduled phone calls. Most of all we have limited actual in person interactions. We see them 1-2 times a year. We also discussed past problems (hubby didn't talk to his mom for several years) and then mutuality agrees to move on and dropped it. Plus mil got some extensive counseling and that has helped.

When it comes to kids we anticipate sending pics, probably even some Skype but again still not going to go out of the way to meet in person.

 

[babyzoe]

Yeah, that's how it is with my mom. neither of us talk to her that often and limit in-person time. It's just so hard with his family because he doesn't think the situation was that bad. (Long story short, MIL was supposed to house sit while we were away and she went behind my back to invite people I barely knew to stay over in our absence....and then she offered them to sleep in my bed. I yelled and screamed about it, but the only compromise I got was that the strangers got to sleep on air mattresses, but still got free rein in my home. I feel like my home should be the one place in the world where I have control and I make the rules, and she took that away from me.)

I know he's not going to be happy but what other choice do I have? I could divorce, but then I'd have to start over with someone new and who knows how long that'll take. I know my DH, and we're comfortable together. argh, why does life have to be so fricking difficult!!!

 

[krissie328]

Yea that is definitely a big situation for me too. I would have been livid. I do have to agree though that starting over would probably hurt you and dh more in the long run then his parents.

 

[hopefulfor1st]

"I know he's not going to be happy but what other choice do I have? I could divorce, but then I'd have to start over with someone new and who knows how long that'll take. I know my DH, and we're comfortable together. argh, why does life have to be so fricking difficult!!!"

This sounds a little off to me ... Do you not love your husband?! Your just comfortable with him and wanting a sperm donor asap?! Perhaps his parents have picked up on this attitude and its the source of your arguments, they are obviously going to be overprotective of their sons feelings.

 

[babyzoe]

My apologies for sounding like that. We've been married over a seven years so we don't feelthe need to sugar coat things any more. Neither of us believe in soul mates....rather there are hundreds of people in the world you can be compatible with. We know that we are compatible. It doesn't mean I think any less of him I was just making a logical statement: if we separated I'd have to start from square 1.

I mean...if it weren't for my age, we'd be perfectly happy just staying childless at the moment....that's how much we value each other's company...so no, I don't think he's just a sperm donor.

 

[tammym1974]

babyzoe...I totally understand what you are going through right now. I am on speaking terms with the in-laws...but barely. My problem is this...his parents treat my husband and I like we are second-class citizens...it's almost as if we aren't "good" enough to be associated with them (the rest of her family (MIL) THINKS they are high-class and hence, so does she.

My husband and I are constantly being excluded from everything and anything family related...except of course for the token holidays (Christmas, thanksgiving, etc). It's like we don't exist any other time of the year for whatever reason.

My husband is an only child. So if we don't have any kids...she won't have any grandkids. She's the type of person who dotes on all her nieces and nephews...they all love their great Auntie.

Here's my thinking...if I ever get pregnant she's going to try to be the "Grandmother of the century." A title which she doesn't deserve...after all, shouldn't you have been a good mother first?

I'm where you're at...why not just cut them out completely. Is that spiteful? I feel like a selfish bitch for feeling like that...but she shouldn't get all the glory without earning it, right?


Sorry so long.

 

[babyzoe]

Here's my thinking...if I ever get pregnant she's going to try to be the "Grandmother of the century." A title which she doesn't deserve...after all, shouldn't you have been a good mother first?

I'm where you're at...why not just cut them out completely. Is that spiteful? I feel like a selfish bitch for feeling like that...but she shouldn't get all the glory without earning it, right?

Exactly. I keep thinking that she needs to understand the consequences of her actions. I wasn't the one who overstepped boundaries here...she did. I don't think it's spiteful. Is person A smacks person B and person B punches them back, it's not spite...it's called getting what was coming to you...lol. At least that's how I look at it.

Now that I think of it, DH is always getting the short end of the stick. His older sis can do no wrong and is perfect in every way and his younger sis is the baby of the family and gets her way all the time, if she doesn't she throws a tantrum (no, she's not a child). I think I'm just gonna take your advice and limit communication from here on out...but how do you deal with the BFP announcement? Do you just tell them casually, or do you include them in the special reveal? I wanted to do something really special but now I'm just so over it. I'm just going to do something special for my mom...and then for the in-laws I don't care anymore.....i'll probably let DH tell them how he sees fit but I don't want to be present for it.

 

[tammym1974]

I'm just going to do something special for my mom...and then for the in-laws I don't care anymore.....i'll probably let DH tell them how he sees fit but I don't want to be present for it.

That's what I would do. Give your mom the big reveal that she deserves and let your husband deal with them.

I forgot to mention that this is especially difficult for me because both my parents have passed on...so if I get pregnant the in-laws will be the only grandparents. So to completely deny them is out of the question. I wouldn't do that to my child...a child deserves to have grandparents. However, I'm certainly not going to bend over backwards for them in any way, shape, or form. They certainly have lost that right.

It just makes me so mad...I understand if you have a problem with me...fine...I get it...not everyone LIKES everyone else. But to treat your own son like that? What kind of mother doesn't put their son first. I know I certainly would...and probably would inflict serious bodily harm on anyone who ever disrespected my child.

And...Get this...they live next door, about 100 feet across the lawn.

 

[hopefulfor1st]

I think all MILs are crazy.

Mine abused me on the day of my sons christening for planning it outdoors (it rained, I had a pergola area booked but it bucketed down sideways, she took off and all the food for BBQ was in her car, we relocated the event to my mums but still she refused to come back (she lives less than 5 min from my mum) and husbands brother had to go pick up her car with food (it was a ute with a huge ice box on back) then she had the right to complain no one saved her a piece of cake!

 

[tammym1974]

I think all MILs are crazy.

Mine abused me on the day of my sons christening for planning it outdoors (it rained, I had a pergola area booked but it bucketed down sideways, she took off and all the food for BBQ was in her car, we relocated the event to my mums but still she refused to come back (she lives less than 5 min from my mum) and husbands brother had to go pick up her car with food (it was a ute with a huge ice box on back) then she had the right to complain no one saved her a piece of cake!

Wow! Talk about a control freak. She sounds a bit childish.

I think that's what it boils down to in the end...control. Because when we married their sons they lost the control and they take it out on us.

I hope one day if I'm lucky enough to have a son or daughter I never turn into a monster-in-law.

 

[hopettc3]

Hi! I just wanted to give my two cents too! I don't get along with my in-laws much. As soon as DH and I married, I was constantly compared to my brother-in-law's wife and I never even came close. MIL once told me that she didn't include me in the family and when I called her on it, she freaked! This happened when I was pregnant with my first daughter. She didn't talk to me my entire pregnancy and when she found out I was going to have a c-section, she invited me and DH over the day before. When we got there, I was yelled at for being such a horrible person to ever think that MIL could ever say anything against me. I was crying so much and getting braxton hicks like crazy! I was too upset to speak so DH and I just left. The next day after I gave birth, my in-laws showed up laughing and smiling as if nothing had happened. I never spoke to her the same after that.
I should mention that this is DH's stepmother. The only reason we speak to in-laws is because my FIL has cancer. DH's mom died from cancer so I could never keep him from speaking to his dad. We only call them every two weeks and see them maybe a few times a year, mostly holidays.

 

[babyzoe]

yea, maybe it is a control thing. It sucks so bad...in his family, his older sis is married and so my brother-in-law (that's what it's called right?, the husband of my SIL?) never comes over for holidays and rarely participates in family events but is the star of everyone's eye...meanwhile, I go out of my way to be part of the family and I still get shit on. and to think I used to brag when we first got married about how I was the one of the few who had a good relationship with my MIL. LIES, IT WAS ALL LIES... LOL!

hopeful and hope, that really sucks about your experiences. i'm sorry to hear you had to go through that...how did DH's take it? did they stand up for you or MIL..or did they try to remain "neutral"

 

[hopettc3]

hopeful and hope, that really sucks about your experiences. i'm sorry to hear you had to go through that...how did DH's take it? did they stand up for you or MIL..or did they try to remain "neutral"

My hubby was super upset. He actually cried and I've never seen him cry before. He kept telling me that if his mom had been alive, none of that would have happened. He doesn't want to say anything because he doesn't want to stress out his dad. He tells me that I can say whatever I want to her and he will support me. He knows she was wrong. She just thinks that because she is the mother that she can tell us what to do with our lives and we'll just listen. I'm like we're 30 years old, I think we know what we're doing, but if we need advice we'll ask for it. Her favourite saying is "we're the parents and we know whats best and if you don't know it then to he!! with you!" That is literally what she says. She now knows that I won't take it so she actually hasn't said anything to me besides regular conversation for the last 4 years.
I think if I didn't have hubby's support, things would be very different. If we ever do have any issues, I get hubby to talk to his dad. I try to stay out of it because I know I would say something that would cause a huge argument.

I really hope things work out for you. I can't believe your MIL would do something like that! Your DH really needs to stand up to his mother on your behalf.

 

[hopefulfor1st]

Mine didn't talk to his mum in about 3 weeks...even then it was not the same! Many things were said but he did tell them that he of course would take my side over her

 

[babyzoe]

you two are lucky. my DH just didn't want to fight over it...so he kept turning everything around on me. ugh! I always feel like the MIL will win over me every time....the only "wins" I get are compromises. pft.

 

[AniMo2202]

I must say,I'm lucky as far as my MIL goes,she's a good person who doesn't butt in on our lives,she always is on my side and mostly annoys me because she wants to see us all the time,lol,but it's fun,because she and I have a good laugh over a glass (or 4 of wine.I have more of a problem with my FIL and my one SIL.My FIL has some very outdated views on life (he's one of those quiet racists.He never outright says anything,but randomly you will hear him say something completely horrible).My SIL is the bitch supreme.She has always hated me,and will one visit be super nice,and the next ignore me completely and actually insult me,always in sort of a 'joking' way,but I know she means every word.We once had a party for the whole family,and when she walked in the room,she kissed and hugged and greeted everyone,but when she got to me,she just stood back and said "ooh,are you eating JC's meals as well as your own?!" My husband,JC,is tall and thin,and I am fat,but he loves me the way I am.I choked back the tears,and since the music was loud,no one noticed what she had said.When hubby and I got home,he asked me what was wrong,and I told him.He was so mad,he didn't speak to her for nearly a year.