So it's him, and not me. 3% normal morphology. Good motility and counts. They can't tell me if the previous m/c's were due to fertilization with the abnormal sperm, or if they were random genetic anomalies. So we have no way of knowing if we CAN get pregnant if a viable sperm gets there first, or if we're destined for continued M/C's. Dr's orders: there is no reason you can't keep trying. Great. Thanks for that Doc... I hope the Province of Ontario paid you well for that complex, in-depth analysis.
I asked what they could do for treatment, they gave DH a vitamin and said keep doing what you're doing. Well clearly that is NOT WORKING. She said IVF (even with ICSI, which I've read can help with male factor problems) is not an option, as we're not 'infertile' we just suffer from 'repeated miscarriage'. And even that, she said since 1 was suspected ectopic, that it's possible I've only had 1 m/c and I'd have to have more miscarriages for IVF to be an option. Like SERIOUSLY? Her advice was go home, have more miscarriages, come back later. I mean, come on. That's inhumane...
I really would have preferred that the problem be me, then I could at least hold myself accountable... I can't allow myself to be angry at him (tho sometimes that's the natural feeling, but I'm trying not to feel that way) cause that's not fair - he didn't choose this either. He has none of the lifestyle factors that could cause his problem... If he was a pot smoking alcoholic maybe I'd have a reason to hold him accountable. He's very healthy otherwise; t's just the way it is. And it f*ing sucks.
I'm totally dejected. I need to shift my thinking to 'maybe we'll never have kids', than if it happens it's a miracle, instead of having TTC dominate my every thought. My problem now, is where does that leave me? There is LITERALLY nothing I can do to make this better. And being a bit of a control freak, this is very stressing. It's truly, completely out of my hands.
Now, to force myself to look on the positive, that could mean that with only 1 m/c we're still technically "normal", with no increased risk of a second m/c when we try again. But, with only 3% of the swimmers 'normal' the odds of that seems unlikely. Yet, we've gotten pregnant twice, so who knows. I don't know if every fertilization with 'abnormal' sperm will result in m/c. I don't see any reason why a sperm with a wonky tail could still not technically successfully fertilize an egg, as long as the genetic material in it's head is perfect. I'm really not sure - I don't know if the morphology thing essentially means I can only get pregnant with 3% of his sperm... or that it'll just be harder. I wish I had the answers, and that my Dr. was more interested in answering them. In her defence, I was in such shock sitting there listening that I couldn't think of the right questions to ask. And I don't feel like she has any intention in seeing us again in the near future. So, off to Google to answer my questions.
What a shitty week...
But selfishly I am so worried, so many women went for there scan to find their baby stopped growing. Argh, its so unfair, I'm so scared. Scan next Tue afternoon, will only be 10 1/2 weeks then too, so it's before the important 12 week mark for being less likely to mc. Sorry for the negativity, just loosing it at the moment.
