waiting for ivf and struggling!

[Pinkie 33]

I'm not sure to be honest. I think I have to be monitored for 6 months from the operation before I can get the all clear. One in ten molar pregnancies leads to the cancer which I would need Chemotherapy for. I would hope they will be able to find this out sooner rather than later.

Must admit I am a bit scared. I keep telling myself the odds are in my favour but then there is only a one in six hundred chance of having a molar pregnancy. Cant even risk any natural conception, so back to birth control which seems pointless and a waste.

I feel like every time I try and move on, I get thrown back into this crap. I hate feeling like this as I am normally such a positive person.

xx

 

[mummy.wannabe]

Hey all

Minxy we go to Cromer a lot as the family caravan is at east runton.
Yes the weather was mostly crap! But we were there to relax and not do a lot.
We love byfords in holt and hubby loves the steak restaurant at the kings head.
Decided to come home today and it was glorious sunshine all day!
Went to the Links hotel for cream tea at west runton. wasn't impressed, as SIL is having her hen do there, just a meal and stay the night with all the women in the family, so wanted to check it out.

I had a check up before we went away and they say I've got slightly higher blood pressure than they like, so ill have to make a doctors appt tomorrow.

Ducktales- does hubby know you have these intentions of maybe moving back?
Are all his family in london?
Norwich is very different to London but not Cromer, if that makes sense.

Minxy I haven't a clue how you feel after your 3rd try, I just know how I felt having to start my 2nd after the mc.

Pinky, I've never heard of that, I'll have to google it.
So the pregnancy wouldn't have carried on?
I had to wait 6months but was allowed to Start 6 months from when I 1st started so that reduced it down a bit.
I just tried to keep as busy as I could and did my house up and it went by fairly quickly.

How's everyone else doing?

Just over 2 weeks until my 20 week scan, it's flying by, it's crazy.
I've started to feel the popping feeling that people describe as the babies moving about.
Feels a bit like trapped wind but you can tell its not.
Can't wait to feel more x

 

[Ducktales]

hi, yes Pinkie I also have to read up as I also don't know a lot about it
mummy - yes, DH suggested we go and look at Norwich as an option - our other option is somewhere in Hertfordshire, but it needs to be cheaper than harrow!
I lived in Norwich from the age of 1-27 and had a house in Norwich but my family house is in a small village between Wroxham and Stalham about 20 minutes from the coast at Waxham which is not so far from East Runton.
we will see what he thinks.....

 

[mummy.wannabe]

Lets hope he likes it then for your sake.
You'll get more help with family x

I think we drove past a few of the places you said x

 

[MinxyChick]

Pinkie - I'm so gutted to hear it was a molar preganancy. I've heard of them before (I research too much), but just had a refresher google. It is such a shame you've got to go back on BCP & wait even longer, I understand how scary and frustrating this must be right now, and 6 months seems forever away. We chose to wait almost 9 months between our last cycles for a new clinic to open, the time did go quickly up to the last 6 weeks before starting but this was our choice, it wasn't forced upon us. I think Mummy's right and you need to try & feel the time with other tasks, you've got a lovely wedding to look forward to. I tried to concentrate on getting myself as healthy as possible. This is a shitty set back but I'm sure you'll get your dream. xx

Ducktales - it would be nice if DH agreed to a move to Norwich, I think its a lovely place to raise a family.

Mummy - we love going to Byfords to. It was the 3 pigs that they also own where we went for our anniversary chill out micro break before this cycle.
The links has been taken over by new ownership in the last few years, hope the hen night is better than the afternoon tea.

AFM: Can't remember my last update but bascially last week I was a zombie, we're still gutted as we had all our hopes on this cycle but I'm starting to act normally, and even did some cleaning last night for the first time since the week before EC, so I can feel myself getting there, though as to be expected I'm still having little cries. I had a session with the councilor Monday evening over the phone which was really helpful and has helped me organised my own thoughts. Me & DH have a session with her Saturday together, that should be interesting. I very much feel unless I can be convinced its worth doing another round with DH's sperm we ought to go donnor. 3 rounds and no change in outcome, we've never got to blast, I'm not sure I'm prepared to do it again on luck but I know DH will have to be convinced alot its not woth another shot. Because this time we did long protocall I really physically feel the effects this time and mentally/emotionally its been so much tougher. The earliest we could do another round is Sept, if that doesn't work it would be Feb. Then if that works I'll be nearly 35 before having a child and DH nearly 45. If that still doesn't work its then getting into the realms on deminished egg quality too. Then what if we needed another round anyway just down to bad luck? Then if that doesn't work embryo donor, then adoption (2.5 years)....aghhh! I just think lets get on, get on with being a family and enjoying life, I don't want to keep going round in this loop. Will see what Saturday brings, also hopefully Friday I'll get a date for follow up.

 

[bundlesofjoy]

Hi pinkie I am sorry to hear that, i had never heard of a molar pregnancy before just googled it. You have to stay positive. You have a wedding that you can focus on and you will see 6 months will fly by.

Minxychick 2.5 years does seem a long way away but if you get the family olu want at the end it will be worth it. Have you spoken to your consultant about donor eggs what did they suggest?

Mummywannabe I have heard it feels like trapped wind, you will be feeling them all the time soon.

AFM AF came on Tuesday and called clinic will start down regulating on the 15th but need to go in on the 6th to be taught how to inject, well not me how dh will inject I will defo not be able to do it myself. I can't believe things are actually starting now

 

[mummy.wannabe]

Minxy it's not nice to feel like that but crying is good, it's stops you building it all up.
It's good the councillor helped you and hopefully continues to help you and hubby.
I don't think you should be thinking about adoption just yet, you have other options before that.
Suppose it depends if hubby is happy to go with a donor sperm.
I don't think it matters if the egg goes to blast because many people have the eggs put back on day 3 and they aren't blasts then .

Bundles your getting very close to starting! How exciting.
Sorry is this your 1st try or 2nd? I can't remember.

I have the midwife coming round tomorrow to check my blood pressure again as couldn't get a doctors appointment.
Got 1 more day off until my week off Is done.
Starting back on a Saturday sucks but I have a 4 day weekend next week x

 

[bundlesofjoy]

It's my 1st cycle

 

[mummy.wannabe]

So more exciting then.
We need some more good news x

 

[MinxyChick]

Bundles - It is very exciting that you're about to get started. I've always got DH to inject & due to a work thing I nearly tried this time but even though it I don't mind being injected I just couldn't do it myself. I have the same problem with contact lenses. They think my eggs should be fine this is due to my age as they can't really tell egg quality.

Mummy - We'll just have to see how it goes, what comes of these tests & general Dr advice. Though I feel advice needs to come from different Drs as they all have their own slant too...
My problem is I'm too logical about the whole thing and want a plan, and infertility treatments have no logic.

I think Dr's do a day 3 transfer when they don't have a enough embryos to warrant waiting for a day 5, and day 5 is good when you have a lot of embryos as it allows them to pick the best to put back & freeze any others which are blast. I know there is a school of thought that embryos do better inside the body, which was another reason why we went for the day 3 this time. IVF seems so complicated cos it brings together 2 people potentially with their own set of problems to make a baby, I find it really hard that so much is actually guess work cos no 2 people are ever the same, and what works for one set might not work for another.
I feel that if we were going to get to blast it would have happened by now out of 46 eggs the best we could get was a moreulla. to me the writing's on the wall and I hope the tests will prove or disprove (but I need to realise they might not be conclusive either way). I wish this was an egg thing not a sperm thing as to me DNA doesn't matter but that's easy for me to say its not my eggs in question, I might feel different if they were.

I have gone through all my previous test research and I think the key test is the DNA Fragmentation which is an eye watering £520! (but ICSI is £6k a pop). We basically hit 5 out of 9 reasons to have this test:
arrested embie development, poor blastocyst developments, multiple failed ICSI, advanced age (is almost 43 advanced?), poor sperm parameters. The annoying thing about this about this and the other 2 sperm tests are the causes - we only hit one - advanced age again!!! But DH does nothing to make himself age prematurely, when he had his wellman age 40 check up he had the health of a 28 year old!!! He has been taking the vitamins to combat this for 2 months but vitamins don't seem to help us.

I am going to see if we can get the test done before our WTF appointment, so we can go through it as the time. We can't see they could say anything that would mean we wouldn't want to see the outcome of this test. Plus don't want to go back too much now we're not NHS as its a license to print money! I'm still annoyed they never did any blood work on DH under NHS and I'll be bringing it up.

Will keep you posted.

 

[Pinkie 33]

Minxy, I should def push for as many tests and investigations you can get. I realise they are pricey but you need as much information as possible to make informed decisions about your path from here. Following what has happened with us, I will be asking for screening/tests or anything that can prevent this happening again. Our last two cycles have been privately funded and I think its worth the extra to ensure the best outcome xx

Bundles - how are you doing, not long now!

Hope everyone else is ok.

AFM, I have tested negative which means it looks like the molar was removed in the op. Finally some good news. I still have to send samples to Sheffield every two weeks until its confirmed that I am ok. I'm hoping this will be less than six months but we'll see.

 

[mummy.wannabe]

Pinkie what have you got to send samples of? Urine.

Back to work tomorrow. Not looking forward to it x

Hope everyone has a nice weekend x

 

[YearningHeart]

mummy - When do u leave for maternity from work? All the baby movement must b very exciting.
Ducktales - How are you? I read u were not feeling well, headache. Are u planing to move to norwich forever?
Pinkie - Glad to hear good news that the molar pregnancy not there. Im gonna google it, Iv never come across that.
Minxy - Lots of hugs for u! I hope u manage all the horrible news and become a super woman!
Bundles - Heyyy how are you? What stage are you at? Keep updating. Exciting! Hope its all good news!

ATM - Im feeling better now after crying like a baby. I just found out few hours ago that my SIL is pregnant. There was just 3 SIL of mine who gave birth 4-7 months ago and now this is the last SIL to get pregnant. Im obviously the odd one out! Soo sad,Just to talk about it makes me cry. There is babies around me everywhere without exaggerating.. Im the only one in the family without a baby. I feel so crap! My heart broke in million pieces and there was like something stuck in my throat soon as I read on my message of her pregnancy announcement. I wish well for her, she is a nice person but I feel so jealous, do u know what I mean? Im jelaous that all my family have beautiful children and I have waited 5 years but no sign. I know I shouldnt get upset since I start my IVF pill in 2 weeks but its just sad, its just so hard not to cry.
Tomorrow was planned that me and that SIL of mine go shopping for wedding outfit but now that I heard of her pregnancy I feel so rubbish, I feel so down that I dont wanna go shopping with her tomorrow coz all im gonna think about is that shes so lucky, she gonna b a mum. I just dont want to see her. I want few days without seeing her or talking to her. But I dont know how to cancel tomorrow when it was planned 2 weeks ago and she reminded me today about going shopping tomorrow to which I said 'Of course!' (I didnt she was pregnant at that time)

I dont think Im gonna go to my inlaws for the next few days coz all im gonna hear is bay talk and its gonna make me mad and sad. I dnt wanna kill their special momment. I just dnt knw what to do. I just want a baby.

 

[YearningHeart]

OMG... sorry didnt realise how long my complaining was. xxxxxxx

 

[bundlesofjoy]

Hi yearning heart don't apologise about the length we are here to hear it it must be hard when you are the last one, just think in two weeks you will start your process to having a baby of your own.
I am the beginning stage so waiting for my day21 which will be on the 15th and then start injections

 

[mummy.wannabe]

Yearning it's hard when you see everyone around you falling pregnant etc but I had to tell myself it's there right to have a baby too, no matter how much it upset me, it wasn't going to change the fact we were struggling.
Am I right in thinking you haven't told your family about Ivf?

This is perfect example of why we told family, so that when we got invited to things and I wasn't up to it, they all understood.
My friend told me about being pregnant just before I started my last treatment and said I'm here if you want to talk about it, I said no that I needed a little time to let it sink in.
There's no way I could have gone to see her.

You just have to keep positive about starting your cycle soon and sharing the pregnancy experience with her and having cousins all close in age for your child which will be lovely.

I start back with today! After a week off, I start back on sat morning. Blurgghhhh
My poor little feet are going to suffer.
I start my maternity leave on 27th August and ill be nearly 28 weeks.
I've read that's normal for twins and going my job.
That should give me 8 weeks off before any signs of the babies arriving so I have plenty of resting x

 

[Ducktales]

hi everyone
Yearning Heart - I totally get where you are coming from - we were in the same position, all of the cousins (all of whom were married long after us) have already had babies and we were the only ones not to have a baby. I'm not sure if for us it was made worse by the fact that my DH's family is Indian (muslim) and obsessed with having babies and had no idea of our struggles.
Whenever I found out that yet another one was expecting, I avoided them, I was crying for hours and refused to go to any family functions where they would be there - my DH called me selfish and told me I needed help but for me it was the only way I could deal with it inside, avoidance.
I really feel for you, but some advice that I was given that I think really helped me was to forget about other people, this is yours and DH's story and path and your private journey together - who cares what everyone else is doing, life isn't a race and when it is your time, it will be all the more precious. You need to be strong and positive for the IVF - I think it makes such a difference. Big hugs, it is a shitty situation.
We are going to look at Norwich with a view to moving there so not sure yet but something has to change - our mortgage and bills is all of DH's salary and half of mine every month and it is crippling and will force me back into full time work to pay for childcare and take home about £300 per month which is pointless in my view.

Bundles - not long now at all, it all goes so fast once it starts, just slow whilst you are waiting.

Pinkie - great news that you tested negative. How are you coping? are things getting a bit more bearable? xx

Mummy wannabe - baby movement, that sounds very exciting, I can't wait for that

Minxy - how are you? any plans for the weekend?

we go on holiday on Monday to Greece
I can't wait
xxx

 

[Pinkie 33]

Yearning - I'm so sorry you have to cope with this news at the moment. Its so hard trying to cope with IVF whilst it seems so easy for everyone else. One of the most difficult things to balance is feeling (and expressing) happiness for other people when your own situation seems so unfair. And it also makes you feel bad for feeling that way at all. But it is completely natural to feel the way you do. Don't be too hard on yourself. If your SiL knows your situation, I hope she behaves sympathetically. It will be your turn soon, you need to be in the best place in your head for IVF, try and stay positive xxx

Mummy - hope work isn't too bad today. Not long until your maternity leave

Ducktales - have a fab holiday, I'm very jealous! Really craving some sunshine at the moment!

Yes, its urine samples I have to send in the post. Since I found out about the molar I couldn't help but think the worst. I dreamt about having Chemo and my hair falling out before my wedding. It was such a relief when I tested negative. Although its a rare condition I'd convinced myself that I would have it as molar pregnancy itself is only a 1/650 chance in the first place.

I'm going to investigate egg screening as in our case, the egg had no chromosomes. I'm really worried that this might happen again. I feel like every time I try and move on from what happened, I get thrown back into another drama to deal with. I just want to put it behind me and move on to the next round but I'm in limbo until I get the all clear.

My SiL is due to give birth on 10th July. I know I am going to find it hard, especially as she announced her pregnancy to me the day I found out the first IVF hadn't worked. I still haven't really forgiven the insensitivity of it and have struggled with her since. Having my own baby has never felt so far away. Just trying to stay positive and focus on the wedding, but its not easy.

xxx

 

[mummy.wannabe]

Ducktales it seems crazy how much it costs. So sounds like a move to somewhere cheaper is a good thing.
They say Hertfordshire is expensive but no where near as expensive as London.
Our mortgage is £1100 and as we would be here for 2 years in October our mortgage goes down to £700 so that extra money will be great and at a great time too.
I was working out my maternity pay and I think it will come as a shock to me but I'm sure ill get used to it. It's when your pay stops after the 40 weeks that ill really find it hard, but I want to look after my babies.

You'll really enjoy your holiday.

Pinkie it must be hard but if its so rare I'm so the odds are even higher for it happening again.
The egg didn't have chromosomes? That must be rare.
Glad you tested negative after tho x

 

[MinxyChick]

Ducktales - hope you have a lovely holiday, you deserve it.
Mummy - glad all seems well with you, roll on 28th August!
Yearning - It must be awful with everyone falling pregnant around you, I think everyone has made some really good comments which apply to us all, but it is hard sometimes to try and focus on our own journeys sometime when others seem to get what we so desperately want so easily. I try and remember that they must have other struggles in their lives which we haven't got, to try & cheer myself up.
Bundles - Glad you'll be starting soon, the time will fly by.

AFM: we were meant to see the councilor yesterday but she had a really bad cold, will try & see her next Sat. DH & me have made a lose plan of action, have follow up 7 August (forever away), ask to be referred to the Andrologist (will make an appointment with him anyway, now we're private we can do that, he's booked up til August), see what he has to say, ask to have all the sperm tests, then from the results decide what to do. This is so hard, will try to enjoy the summer as much as possible.
Going to move DH onto Zita West vitamins as the Mariliyn Glenville ones made no difference (the formulas are a bit different), I'll just take cheapies as we're pretty sure this isn't an egg thing. Just fed up of all the time being wasted, would love to be able to get on with life and stop avoiding people with children and just be happy.

After today am going to stop hiding in the house, get back on the healthy wagon, get back to exercise and lose my massive 9lb IVF belly so i can wear my clothes again & feel good. Not sure why any weight I gain goes straight to my tummy IVF or not! Need to be fit & healthy for IVF4 in Oct.