Waiting for our BFPs! Please hurry :-D

[HappilyTTC]

Hi everyone!! ((Hugs)) to you all!

I think, for me, the biggest thing I've realized from my journey is to use the serenity prayer: serenity to accept what I can't change, courage to change what I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

For me, that meant facing the cancer and having the hysterectomy this year. Stage one cancer was removed and, though we'll never have children, we've accepted that our journey in life was to simply find each other and make a life together.

I know you will all figure out how to make those rainbows happen. I know you will.

In the mean time, hard as this sh*t is, enjoy the journey and the fact you have someone who loves you so much.

Not trying to preach at all. I just know that my loving husband has made my ordeal far better than it could have been and all of you have been so supportive.

Just wanna give some hope or something back.

 

[Nina83]

Happily, every day I try to tell myself that we have each other and in the end that is what matters- our love. Sure having a little bundle would be an amazing addition, but WE are what is important. That's the main thing. I think I said this before, but I'm more sad about what we lost, it's something I knew and felt. I just have to get over that hump and start looking towards the future.

Lady, during my second pregnancy I kept telling myself that if I lost that one I wouldn't be able to go on and I would switch jobs. I felt like my job was very stressful (I don't believe it caused the MC) but it was all very bad. The whole reason I stayed there for so long was to get pregnant (after the mandatory 6 months) The week I lost the baby and told a girl at work, and how much I wanted to switch jobs, she told me not to give up- why switch a job just because of that?
Here I am, 7 months later and still miserable. I feel like I should have listened to myself and looked for another job. I feel like this place is weighing me down, too many crappy memories. I keep telling myself that I don't want to be pregnant here- many that is what's keeping me from getting pregnant. But I feel like if I had left when I wanted to, it wouldn't have been "giving up", it would have helped me close a chapter and move on. I kind of feel stuck, I don't know how to move on from my grief, I just want it gone already. And I wish it was easy as "everyone" thinks it is -"think happy and you'll be happy". It's not that simple.


AFM, I got another false negative. I think I bought IC from a gag store on ebay :s
Thursday I got a "+" a few hours after I POAS. Yesterday I got a negative. Of course I'm telling myself that it might just be because of diluted urine, I drank a ton Saturday.
But I had some nausea Thursday and this morning, must be because of the progesterone dip. (I'm such an expert )
I had horrible ovulation like cramps yesterday and this morning the started as well. I needed a warm compress it was that bad.
Cervix is high and medium soft, creamy/milky/watery CM, but hey, that could mean anything. I feel bloated but that could just be because I gained a kg.
I'm OK though, I'll just hug the kitty and DH a bit tighter if AF comes.

 

[HappilyTTC]

Nina: completely understand. Despite my "sunny" attempt at an outlook, I get into moments concerning the miscarriages, the blighted ovum, and now the fact that my body will never be pregnant. I won't have our baby. It hurts. The loss hurts.

I know to heal it's important to recognize the negative emotions, too.

This mourning stuff is a tough process.

 

[ladyluck84]

Happily I love that mantra. Just need to keep those negative thoughts from popping into my head. Nina my job is very stressful and at times I just keep stopping now and thinking breath relax you body this isn't good for me or my baby. Part of me does think that my mmc has something to do with my stress. So the other day from work when I was feeling it bad I did something I never do ...I just went home and said I was ill!

 

[MrsBroodyPant]

I think u ladies are the only people who actually understand how I feel xxx

 

[Nina83]

MrsB, deep down I do believe that one day I'll have a family, and look back at these days as a "time". Not sure how else to say it.
Right now it's so much easier to try and relax and tell myself- just let go already. It will happen when it will happen. It's not like I'm not trying.
It's easier for me to "give up". I'm not sure how to say it in English, but in Hebrew it's something like- the higher you climb the harder the fall. So why climb so high in the first place?
"giving up" is so much easier and less of a heartbreak each month, and when it happens- it'll just be wow.
It already happened to us more than once- it will happen again. The trick is just learning to deal with it, and if denial, or whatever works for us, let that be the way. We all know we'll never give up

I am seriously on the verge of throwing up.
Stupid body, don't you know that I'm supposed to be sick when pregnant- not gearing up for AF?!

 

[MrsBroodyPant]

Have u been temping nina?

I used to think I would have a family one day but now I really truely believe it probably won't happen. Can't see me ever getting to full term. There are too many obstacles for me. I won't ever give up trying but I need to think of a different future for us x

 

[Nina83]

No, I'm not temping. It doesn't really matter, my temps usually go down the day of or one day before AF, if even. The only thing that actually means I'm pregnant will be a HPT test, LOL!
Seriously, this cycle has been less stressful. I even caught myself forgetting which DPO I was the other day.
If only my body didn't give me way to many signs.

You'll get there, don't worry, it might take longer than others, but we'll get there and it will be so worth the wait, and pain we went through

 

[MrsBroodyPant]

Did u say u have had positive hpts? X

 

[Nina83]

I had one that came up after a good few hours, a definite pink, but it could be an evap. The one yesterday was white.
I really don't want to take another one and see a negative. Denial is bliss.
I just had some spotting, could this be the much talked about implantation bleeding? I'm much rather be in that club than the unfortunate MC one It's a day early if it is AF, and very early, because the past months it's been longer and longer, it's only CD26...
I really want to throw up and then just lie there and sleep. Yes, I say that every month, and yes, I am that disgusting. I absolutely hate feeling this sick 2 weeks out of every month.


Hilslo dear, how are you?

 

[MrsBroodyPant]

Those ic hpt are always tricking u. It's hard to trust them either way. I had implantation bleed with my first pregnancy but not the second.
Good luck hun xxx

 

[ladyluck84]

Good luck Nina!

 

[hilslo]

Nina - if the spotting lessens tomorrow then go and buy a frer. I know your body is particulately cruel at giving you false hope so I can understand not wanting to test but like you say, it will happen one day so fingers crossed your day will start soon!
I don't know how I would have got through the last nine months if it wasn't for you guys. I don't know if this is my rainbow or not ( given by my 100% failure rate thus far I'm certainly not thinking it will be. More just waiting for the disaster to hit) but I know you ladies will be there for whatever happens, good or bad.

 

[Nina83]

We're here for you every step of the way hun

 

[ladyluck84]

I feel the same I would have gone crazy without u guys!

 

[Nina83]

Good morning Lovelies
while I was looking for a goofy new years picture to send my mom I came across these

https://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Sj_55Gz0Jqo/TSHjXDAHg6I/AAAAAAAABoA/usLIhEU139E/s800/join-closing-out-latest-new-years-ecard-someecards.jpg


Finally, 2013 is behind us!
I hope everyone's 2014 is amazing!

AFM, I'm not announcing anything quite yet because I am slightly worried. I am telling myself all sorts of things, and still don't know if I should have bloods or not, if they're low- there's nothing I can do to make them higher.
I was nauseous all yesterday and woke up at night because of it. It's bad today. Hoping that's a good sign. No sign of spotting.
So I'm just staying positive, and going to tell DH tonight, he's working late and I told him to take the car and I'll take a bus. If he knew he would never let me take the bus, but I really don't want him coming home at 23:00 on a bus! So tonight it will be.
I read somewhere that "this life deserves to be celebrated, even if for a short time".
My HPTs were quite light, and I'm telling myself the urine was diluted (which in all honesty it was, plus evening urine) yada yada. Praying this sticks and I have a little fighter

 

[ladyluck84]

Nina eeekkk! I'm praying too. come on 2014... Make it a happy one!!

 

[MrsBroodyPant]

Nina I hope this is your rainbow.

Happy new year everyone. Shame how it still feel so bad lol xxx

 

[hilslo]

Oooooh Nina - I have everything I can cross crossed for you! Evening hpts will always be light early on so try not to worry (note to self - listen to my own advice!).
I really hope this is it for you. 2014 IS going to be our year. All of us. It just has to be.

 

[Nina83]

Like I thought, something is off.
This morning there was nothing, and no nausea. Was yesterday just my progesterone dropping?
I talked to DH last night and we agreed we would just continue on right now, to not stress about it, but I guess there's nothing left to stress about. AF does not look like she's on her way. I felt so bloated and heavy last night, like someone was blowing up a balloon. I'm just so tired and wish I knew what was going on.
If I wouldn't have tested I never would have known. Maybe that would have been better.

I also had a nightmare last night. I'm known to have bad/scary dreams, but nothing like this. It was so real and I woke up, well, DH said I was yelling, but I know in my dream I was screaming. It was so vivid and horrible. Nothing gory or anything, but scary because it's happened to me IRL, and before I was too scared to say anything at the time, but during my dream I got the guts to yell out. I couldn't believe I was going through it again and it's still hard for me to believe it was just a dream