What not to say:

[GingerPanda]

"Why would you wish a happy mother's day to people who have had miscarriages? They're not mothers!"

https://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/angry-dwight.gif

 

[Sparkle_13]

"Why would you wish a happy mother's day to people who have had miscarriages? They're not mothers!"

Wow I'm so sorry someone said that to you that is so hurtful

I found out I was having my early miscarriage on Mother's Day, that hurt

 

[GingerPanda]

"Why would you wish a happy mother's day to people who have had miscarriages? They're not mothers!"

Wow I'm so sorry someone said that to you that is so hurtful

I found out I was having my early miscarriage on Mother's Day, that hurt

I'm sorry.

I found out I was probably having a second miscarriage on my EDD from my first miscarriage.

 

[Starry Night]

"Why would you wish a happy mother's day to people who have had miscarriages? They're not mothers!"

Wow I'm so sorry someone said that to you that is so hurtful

I found out I was having my early miscarriage on Mother's Day, that hurt

I'm sorry.

I found out I was probably having a second miscarriage on my EDD from my first miscarriage.

That sucks. I had a d&c two days before my previous miscarriage's EDD. It made grieving hard because I didn't know which baby to cry for more.

And I'm so sorry for the very hurtful mother's day comment. Of course you deserve to celebrate mother's day. You are a mom.

 

[Longwait4baby]

Im currently going through my 2nd miscarriage and have actually have someone say to me "at least if it happens again you can get tested to see what the problem is".

Really??? i cant even begin to think about trying again never mind cope with the though of going through this again!!!

 

[Starry Night]

That really was an ignorant statement. How is the idea of future testing supposed to be comforting? Never mind that even after 3 losses you sometimes still have to fight to get your tests or you only get the basics because of lack of access to a true fertility clinic and other times the tests don't show anything abnormal which leaves you even more confused. Really, what everyone should want is that the next time ends with a baby. Not a chance for more scientific experimentation.

I'm so sorry you're going through another loss. One is already way too many.

 

[GingerPanda]

Hugs for everyone!

 

[Topanga053]

Ginger, that comment is ridiculously ignorant. I'm so sorry someone said that to you! The first Mother's Day after my loss, I was SO TOUCHED when we went to a restaurant and the server gave me a rose and wished me a happy Mother's Day. Obviously, they did that for every female customer, but I didn't care. I was so moved. I kept that rose for a long time.

 

[Skye1]

I got told 'these things happen for a reason. It was ment to be'

 

[chistiana]

I got told 'these things happen for a reason. It was ment to be'

Aaaahhhh yes...classic one! "Sure it's written in my stars, thanks this is so freaking helpful!"

 

[nessaw]

This may sound a silly thing to get upset about but I mced twins 4 months ago which everyone at work knows. My headteacher in staff briefing says I have an announcement (someone was retiring) other staff member says ooh you're pregnant (she's 55) she says yeah with twins! Cue silent room followed by me walking out into the toilets and crying. Its the edd of my first mc today. The twins were my 2nd. I didn't go to school yesterday. Seems really silly now I've written it down but...

 

[Nina83]

This may sound a silly thing to get upset about but I mced twins 4 months ago which everyone at work knows. My headteacher in staff briefing says I have an announcement (someone was retiring) other staff member says ooh you're pregnant (she's 55) she says yeah with twins! Cue silent room followed by me walking out into the toilets and crying. Its the edd of my first mc today. The twins were my 2nd. I didn't go to school yesterday. Seems really silly now I've written it down but...

It's not silly at all (hugs)) I'm sorry they were so inconsiderate. That's a really horrible thing to do.

 

[Supersmiler]

Bad thing to say:
"Your a ticking time bomb" from the sonographer after he told me our baby stopped growing at 10weeks 5 days. I can't remember the context or rest of it, but basically saying as I'm overweight (a size 16) and have high blood pressure, then I was a ticking time bomb for it to happen again. Cheers!

Good things to say:
That's really shit.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
If you want to talk I'm here.
Let's open the wine.

 

[klouise1993]

Bad thing to say:
"Your a ticking time bomb" from the sonographer after he told me our baby stopped growing at 10weeks 5 days. I can't remember the context or rest of it, but basically saying as I'm overweight (a size 16) and have high blood pressure, then I was a ticking time bomb for it to happen again. Cheers!

Good things to say:
That's really shit.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
If you want to talk I'm here.
Let's open the wine.

Hi supersmiler
So sorry for your loss I had the nurse say pretty much the same thing to me cause I'm slightly over weight being a size 20 (without being big busted I would probably be about size 16 also) and when she felt my stomach she said "is this your normal weight?" I could of flipped there and then. The student nurse that was with her also was pulling faces when the nurse had to check me down there and to check my cervix as I lost a lot of blood so I was mess down there (sorry if tmi) " I actually said to her as she started to really p*** me off "if your training to be a nurse you really got to get used to this, if it's a problem p*** off!!"
The one thing I hate is when people say "these things happen" or "it just wasn't your time"
Those quotes that's in your post are PERFECT!!
So so sorry for everyones losses
Hugs to all of you xxx

 

[Supersmiler]

Klouise, that's awful, I would have been annoyed with the student nurse too!

I often wonder if healthcare professionals have much training in how to handle the way they communicate with patients during miscarriage, loss and stillbirth. They have all the right knowledge, terminology and medical understanding, but seem to lack the empathy and ability to make the patient feel better or even just to make it seem less clinical. I guess it's just their job and they need to get it done, but a little more compassion would make a huge difference. The way you remember a situation when you look back at it, especially during a difficult time, stays with you forever. A kind word would help, instead of adding to the misery of it all.

 

[mjemma]

My mum: "Well at least I won't feel so bad about going away for 2 months now"!! Thanks mum.

My SIL said: "That sucks. I wish I had better words, but that just sucks." which was strangely a really good thing to say as yes, it does just suck.

 

[GingerPanda]

My doctor: "I'm sure it was just bad luck. You've only had two miscarriages. That's more common than you might think. But really, I'm sure it was just bad luck."

Well, doc! I'm glad I demanded testing after you said this, because I just tested positive for lupus anticoagulant syndrome!

 

[skyesmom]

My SIL said: "That sucks. I wish I had better words, but that just sucks." which was strangely a really good thing to say as yes, it does just suck.

i personally find something like this very comforting, much more than stupid comments that tend to deny and diminish the whole thing and always look for something "positive" in the situation...

..this acknowledges it at least, and while there is NO magic word to say to make us feel good, at least stating this openly and recognizing the difficulty and helplessness of it is human, empathetic and in the end, if it can't help, at least it doesn't cause further damage kudos to your sil

 

[macydarling]

Im not sure if it has been said yet but---any variation of "Everything happens for a reason."

Man, I cant tell you how many times I heard that when I lost my mom and then shortly after my 1st/only pregnancy. I would rather people say they dont know what to say!

Also had someone tell me there must have been something very wrong with my baby so it's for the best. Wtf? Insult me and kick me while Im down why dont you?

And, finally, people telling you to get over it and/or move on. Yes, it has been 2 years now, no I dont cry everyday about it. But yes, I do think about it sometimes and still feel sad and sometimes I do think about her and how old she would be now, etc. I know I m/c quite early (14 wks) and other people have it worse, etc but I am human and allowed to have my own emotions. Dont judge me or my situation if you havent walked a day in my shoes. Does that make sense?

 

[chistiana]

Macy it totally does. My husband kept comparing my situation to other peoples...like he would say "well at least you have 2 kids, imagine those women that mc n don't have any kids..just be thankful and stop crying"....geeee I know there are women out there that have it worse but what does that have to do with my mcs???? He s a fanatic ultra marathon runner so I basically said "ok if one day you lost one of your legs would it be ok if I said "ow at least you have one leg left think about those people with no legs, be grateful n stop crying" ?? But it didn't make any sense to him. Hugs

Mjemma I totally agree with the "that sucks" comment. After my 3rd mc everyone had a stupid comment to make n everyone made me feel so much worse... Until I told a very good friend and All she said was "I m sorry, you ve got a lot of shit on your plate, it sucks"! That comment just made me smile for once!